THE OPPOSITE SEX

I have a question: are you all happily married? Your writing seems to say that you are. My experience with the opposite sex and my PD is difficult to put into words, and i'm a writer. I've been divorced for about 13 years and i find that its difficult to get a non-PD of the opposite sex to want to get involved with me. Very few women want to become caretakers and living with a PD wll take you down the 'dependent caretaker' road eventually. i'll ask about your sex lives at a later point. One step at a time.

LET'S STAY HONEST WITH EACH OTHER.

41 Replies

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  • I have been married for 35 years and was diagnosised with pd 7 years ago at the ago of 45. The depression has been rough and now i can barely drive and have a lot of trouble moving around and my husband has had to start helping keep the house up which he has never had to do before. He also has to help with grocery shopping. Unfortunately, yes, he is becoming my caretaker and I am sure that sooner or later it will make it harder on our marriage.

  • I've been widowed for 7 years. I got diagnosed with Parkinsons Dec 2010. I completely understand how you feel. Before I had Parkinsons I used to love to go to social gatherings and I enjoyed dating. Now it's very hard to meet anyone. When they find out that I have Parkinsons I don't hear from them. I have 3 children, 20, 16 and 13. I do everything on my own. According to my Neurologist I have the beginning of Parkinsons. When I get nervous, upset or I'm off schedule with my medication I do have tremors. I have Parkinsons in my left hand and leg. I saw that you said you will ask about our sex lives at a later point. There's no need to ask if we don't socialize LOL.

  • I was married for 15 years, single for 20 and now married to my second husband for 13 years. My husband's first wife was sick a lot of their marriage and when he met me I was in one of my healthy "up" periods. He fell in love with a "different "me" than I am today.

    I feel bad that he's got to play this roll again, but it is what it is. What I can do is be as good a companion as I can, get the therapy, go to the classes etc. I dated a lot when I was single but I truthfully don't know how it would be to be involved with someone with PD - whether I could take it on,

  • I should have added that he and I have a blended family of 4 children, 10 grandchildren and

    2 great grandchildren. Also our ages of 72 and 78 enter into the equation - some of what we are dealing is age related.

  • Personally I don't see PD as a barrier to finding a partner nor indeed keeping one. That is any more or less than any struggle we may have. In life we all have something illness is not special. Nor can we avoid ageing everyone becomes dependant to some degree. I think this is about self worth, value and pride. My husband who is illness free says he'd rather have 5 good ( ish ) years with me than none at all. I know I contribute a huge amount to his life. I might not be able to cling to the back of his bike anymore but I can be in his fast lane in many other ways. Don't under sell yourself! Remember you, we we are like the L'Oreal advert ' because I'm worth it' teehee

    C HH x

  • I have been married for 22 years nearly. Dx for 2.

    I can honestly say my marriage is better now than it ever was. My husband changed after my Dx, doesn't take me for granted any more, does the shopping and some of the cooking, he even does the washing!!! (All previously unheard of). Sex is better than ever despite a few niggles ( Cramp can be a real passion killer!!!!). We go on lovely holidays (again previously unheard of) and he is much more affectionate now.

    Caroline x

  • You are extremely lucky that this disease has given you more than it has taken away. I am so happy for you.

  • when I was told I had Parkinson about year ago my marriage went down and today I am divorced my son 39 that was laid off moved in with me. my ex husband is know trying to tell me he will be there for me if I need him

  • I agree with H-H. I had started the best relationship of my life when I was first diagnosed. He was older and after 5 years he passed away from lymphoma . We had several ups and downs with our health, but mostly we had fun. Now I'm lonely but it's because I miss my kids. Trying not to call them "unless it's an emergency" :D I have lots of friends in various circles. So I don't rule out another relationship but at 72 I'm not out beating the bushes (as if that ever worked!)

  • If you want honesty, I will give it to you. PD Changes everything. The wife husband /dynamic, becomes a caregiver/ patient relationship. Many of us that have said for better or worse are living our own private wars. It is hard to watch the everyday losses that come with PD. At the stage my husband is at , there is no more laughter, no more stimulating conversation, no more little arguments, no more long walks, or short ones for that matter. He can no longer make good decisions for himself or dress himself or bathe himself or bathroom himself. It is very difficult to hold on to what you once had. Or to start new relationships.

  • thank you for being so honest. i think we PD people need to know what others have to go through. i would imagine that from this day forward our Pd will progress. Boy, this sucks.

  • I'm married 27 years, diagnosed 2 years ago. My husband is an only child and when his dad died 5 years ago, we built an addition to the house and moved his mom in with us. We were supposed to take care of her, but she takes care of me. We have a strong marriage and have been through a lot, including the loss of a child. I'm truly blessed to have him and his mother in my life.

    We love to go camping and traded up to a motorhome. We've decided to make the most of the good years I have left and enjoy our time together. BYW I'm YOPD, only 50 years old

  • I went as far as removing a PD article I wrote and that Google printed. I was getting too many rejections. A friend told me that in this new age a potential date 'checks' you out first on Google.

    Its a problem.

  • My husband of 26 years isn't the empathetic sort. He feels screwed because I have this. He gets annoyed by my fatigue and in his meaner moments has yelled at me for being clumsy. Never asks how I am. Gets annoyed by me having to take medications. Wish it wasn't so.

  • I apologize for his boorishness...

    I wish you wellness and some great joys..

  • This sounds alot like my husband. From the day I was dx he always said he would e therre for me but sad to say he has hurt me often with his words and deeds I reallly do think it is jelousy because he knows deep down that he will never be as strong as me and could never go through what i have been through this past 12 years

  • I was diagnosed at 45,10 years later my husband of 20 year told me he couldn't take care of me. More like he didn't want to take care of me. I left him 2 years later. I'm 63 and I had no doubt when I left him that I would be alone, living with disease. I have met no one that is interested in me. It is hard living without hugs, kisses and sex. I am a very warm, loving person. I don't feel sorry for myself, what I chose to leave, I was protecting myself from an abusive alcoholic that would become more abusive as I got worse. I made the right discision but I still miss having a man in my life.

  • i think this is honest. we talk all the time about our symptoms and our meds, but we never discuss the REAL important issuses like love and sex.

    one more quick topic...living alone has uniqe challengers. give me an idea of what youre planning for caretaking

  • I'm 52 diagnosed 48, sociable person I think, divorced & single. I find I avoid getting involved with anyone else on a personal level as I feel its bad enough my future is screwed, but definately don't want to burden anyone with my probs, do really miss the intamacy & comfort of lovely lady :-(

  • My observation is that living with a chronic progressive medical condition like PD tends to heighten the fundamental characteristics of a relationship. If the relationship is built on understanding and support, PD will probably not change this. If the relationship is built on independence and personal strength, unless the partners are committed to redefining the relationship, it is unlikely to survive intact or in a mutually satisfactory way.

    My marriage was the second type and it did not survive my YOPD diagnosis. I am divorcing after 25 years of marriage because I choose not to stay in a loveless marriage. Life is too short. I would like to embrace joy and happiness while I can.

    I am starting to date. I've found that PD is not a relationship killer unless it is presented as such. For me, it is simply one of many facets of who I am; it is not all of who I am. I am a person on a date who happens to have PD. I am not a person with PD who happens to be on a date.

    I believe there is someone out there for me. Maybe that someone will turn out to be me. I don't yet know. That's OK. Finding that out is all part of the journey.

    Best of luck to all of us.

    Tgrrrl

  • Terrific attitude. I hope everyone reads your words.

  • California

  • I have been married for 27 years to the love of my life, following two horrible marriage experiences to alcoholics - didn't know of their problem before hand. Very cleverly covered up. My man is an absolute God-send. Before PD, we helped each through some very stressful times. Now, that I am very dependent on him, he has stepped into the roll of caretaker without looking back or showing resentment. I think the difference is that I was healthy when we met and with the encouragement he gives me, I feel that I am far better off in the progress of PD than I would be without him. I won't call him St. David because he, like all of us, has his faults. Who doesn't?? But he always considers my limitations and puts my welfare first, encouraging me all the way. I guess you might find a "significant other" at Parkinson Help Groups. David attended a few meetings at a local support group until he figured out he knew more already than what was being taught. He did meet some very nice people.+ So, you might give it a try.

  • My wife has has had PD for several years. We have been married for 49 years and eleven months. We have our ups and downs but I firmly believe her having PD has drawn us closer. on her good days she spoils me and on her bad days I spoil her. We plan on retaking our Marriage Vows on our 50th anniversary. If you really work at it your marriage can be a success.

  • I have a crazy idea. It's probably not feasable to say the least. But after reading your responses to my question about your marriages a thought came to me. Wouldn't it be great if we as a PD community got together, let's say once a year, and helped each other. I sense the same saddness in many of your lives that I have in mine. There's a social saddness that we share. i'm not talking about med stories or 'what's your latest symptom' bullshit or listening to boring PD lectures. i"m talking about a week where there is no one to judge our shaky hands, a week where more than two bowel movements is considered showing off. A week we're we can be what we once were. A week where we can boogie on down. A week where tremors are normal and the rest of the non-tremor world can just go to hell.

    I know, I know, it's crazy, BUT i sure would look forward to that week.

  • I am packed and ready to go !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    so set it up............

    one whole week of just being ourselves and no excuses about anything...

    yahoooo

  • Sounds Great! Count me in...when and where?

  • My ex and I split in 2003, my symptoms had started prior to that. He would complain about the sound of my voice, the look (mask) on my face, that my shoulders slumpped and tremors that he saw as anxiety. He was a physician, numerous affairs, no empathy and really did not care about my health. When I confirmed his last affair, I filed for divorce.

    For several years after the divorce I did not even consider dating, then at my daughter's urging I decided to give it a try. I have met a lot of guys, nothing that stuck.

    When PD was diagnosed, I was not sure how to handle telling someone I was going out with. I have had various reactions. Some just say they cannot handle the thought of it and that is the end. There are a couple of guys that I date casually who I talk with about the PD. They say it is not an issue, but I have a hard time believing they truely mean it. They have not seen me when I am really bad.

    It is tough to say what the right thing is. I know many people with PD do have spouses who will love them no matter what. It is just hard to find someone who is willing to get to know you as a person with PD having the symptoms it does.

  • I hear ya. After about 3 years of this uphill climb my loving and forever wife, or so I was lead to believe came home from one of her business trips and informed me that I was no longer needed or loved. Good by crip! That was about 6 maybe 7 years ago. Since I managed to get my youngest son through and graduate High School . And now into his second College. But in say the past 3 years I have made some type of attempt to have a relationship with someone. But after they figure out what is in there future with a PD human they bail. So at this point in life I just hope to see my son walk across the stage and get this degree and then go on to a productive business life. He has accepted the future roll of care giver.

  • I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO LOVES ME VERY MUCH. PROBLEM BEING, SHE WAS JUST THE CARE TAKER FOR HER MOTHER FOR 10 YEARS AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BECOME MY CARETAKER...SOMEDAY.

    RIGHT NOW, ALL IS GOOD. MY MEDS WORK, AND I FUNCTION WELL, BUT THERE'S THAT 'PROGRESSIVE' WORD.- SHE SAW HER MOM FADE AWAY AND DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME STRUGGLE AND GET WORSE - SHE'S ASKED ME IF SHE CAN DATE - I HAD TO SAY 'YES'. THE FUTURE IS A FUNNY THING - JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT PEGGED - IT MAKES A U-TURN

  • That is heart breaking, I am so sorry.

  • if you truely love someone it is with that love you want to help and take care of..........

    i took damn good care of my husband for 4 years. I would do it for 20 years....he died at 44 years of age and I was just 35. that was 39 years ago. I took care of my mom and then my dad,..yes in you girlfriends words.......i watched them all "fade away" and I would do it over and over and over..............now I am alone, i am a parky, and I do not want to be a burden to my children........I was diag. 15 years ago, and people still do not know I have it........... If i met someone who would accept me........for sure I would be a gr8 caretaker for them too.

    REMEMBER IT IS FOR BETTER OF FOR WORSE........AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO LIVE BY THAT RULE. if I truly love someone, I can't do enough for them............if I was lucky enough to meet someone at my age..........I would LOVE to make them feel good, be comfortable and happy, I should be so lucky...............

  • I consider myself to be married, sometimes happily. My husband's health is also getting worse so I take care of him, and yes, I spoil him. He is an avoider, never been to the PD doctor with me, doesn't like to hear about it but will listen sometimes, and it doesn't help that he is a Vietnam vet with all the typical stereotypes, but he is here and does help when he feels like it. Things are changing now that he is getting tremors and PD symptoms from Agent Orange exposure. We just muddle through each day together. We have lots of things in common and enjoy doing lots of the same things together. I am fortunate, the VA pays for all my mail order medications after lots of years of buying insurance and high co=pays on tests and meds. One day at a time!

  • I am new on this site..and of course, this question caught my eye..I starting seeing someone last year and he told me from the beginning he had PD. My response was a very honest "no problem." Not knowing I would finally be diagnosed with PD six months later. Our relationship is one of a good friendship and probably would not have been more regardless of the PD.

  • I know a man 68 and a woman 65 who had both lost their partner, one divorce , one widower, and they both have PD. They met at PD support group meetings. They now live together and successfully support each other and are planning for many more years together. They each understand what the other is going through. Yet another reason to join a support group near you.

    Birds of a feather ......

  • WHERE DO YOU LIVE??

  • howell nj

  • no my wife left me after 23 years because of parkinsons, wanted to "go find someoe else while shes still young and pretty.

  • single here and yes even men run away from a woman with PD..........shocking I know, but it is true................

    where do you live?????

    :-)

  • I was dx 4.5 years ago. My meds work ok, so I am slower and my left side moves a little funny. The symptoms are more pronounced when I'm tired. About to be a grandma for the first time. I have a large, supportative family and I'm still dating. It's different. I have had a few really passionate long distance relationships and then it seems to burn out. Not sure if parkinson's has anything to do with it. No one has had the "balls" to say I just don't want to end up being a caretaker. If I were healthy, I'm not sure I would want to take this on. I'm a selfish person and understand it if someone wants a healthy lover. So, I will probably end up alone. Trying to accept that if it's the way things shape up.

  • so, plan a party. maybe some love connections can come from it. id love to grow old with another pd person. who knows better?

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