Who is that?

I caught a glimpse of myself in a store front window the other day and I could not believe the "me" I was seeing! I look so old and I can't stand up straight. My body looks like I swallowed, a very Large baloon, and I have what looks like a permanant double chin on my sour pus face. I am shocked and appalled, and I can't stop staring at myself. "Where am I"? I kept repeating over and over! Oh My! A terrifying thought rushes over me, "how could My Robert love me like this"? I am old before my time, in body and mind. No wonder people stare. I look like I'm hooked on doughnuts and I don't really care! My energy is gone, I'm starting to dress like a slob and I am consumed by my pain. I don't like who I am, but I'm afraid I can't change. I simply lack the motivation. I will be avoiding all reflective surfaces for the time being, ugh!

Jupiterjane

18 Replies

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  • I understand how you feel. There have been periods when I refuse to look in the mirror because I couldn't believe how old and haggard I looked. But we badly need self-esteem so please don't loose your motivation. And you are loved! Praying for you.

  • I know exactly what you mean. I did exactly the same thing when I was pregnant, but at least I did get back to 'normal'. Now, however, there is no chance of that happening. I am stuck with the new 'me' and I don't like it at all.

  • Hello Jupiterjane,

    Well, i have read your blog and then went to your about me. Want to know what I honestly think? Judging by your photo and activities you have a lot going for you. May I ask if you follow a specific diet, if so, what is it? Also, how we'll do you sleep? I know to my own detriment that lack of sleep brings you down.

    Also, re the diet have you considered the part your liver plays in your digestion and general health?

    There is an excellent book that I want to suggest to you; it is called 'the liver cleansing diet' by Dr. Sandra Cabot. It even starts off with some testimonies of people getting well from some intractable health conditions. There are cases of some autoimmune cases being eliminated. The diet is for eight weeks initially, but can be continued for life.

    You still have a lot of living to do, so do yourself a favour, get that book, apply it and give yourself a boost.

    Best wishes.

    Norton

  • HI JANE

    YOUR POETRY SAYS IT ALL P U R GREAT! AND DO NOT RUN YOUR SLEF DOWN

    PLZ PLZ THINK GOOD OF YOUR SELF( I KNOW , I HAV E V LOW SELF ESTEEM - ALWAYS HAVE DONE

    YOUR ROBERT DOES LOV EYOU ADN I AM SUR IF HE REA DYOUR POSTS WOUDL B SO PROUD OF YHOU

    HANg ON IN THERE

    LOL jiLL

    :-)

  • Thanks Jupiterjane. Maybe it is bad form but your post gave me a chuckle as i identified with what you write and saw myself through your words. It's the lack of motivation that really gets to me.

  • Yes, I can't see how to get motivated what with all the falling down, forgetting things,talking, swollowing,, scheduled meds, doctors appointment, therapy, dressing, bathing, all those thing I used to take for granted before but now take extra time and much planning to complete, plus you want me to diet on top of it all, Oh please, just give me a handful of mini peanut butter cups and go on!

  • Extra planning. Tell me about it. Thank goodness for my PD classes that get me out and about! I just got new glasses and I hate the way they look so I'm always scowling. That helps, I'm sure! :D I used to take a bath every other day whether I needed it or not. Now I'm not sure. If I weren't afraid of lice, I might skip a few . Up all night with trapped gas. Well, it's another beautiful day in PD land and I'll quit my whingin' now. :)

  • Hi, I wish I could say something to change how you feel but I to am shocked and I don't think it gets better from here. Just try day to day

    Regards'

    From Florida

  • There are times when I want the world and believe I can accomplish it! Then I go to get up off the couch and either go forward just a tad bit, and hoping I won't break my nose, to just plopping right back down where I started. And then, of course, there are those rare times when imanage to get up and standing straight up off the couch only to find myself completely turned around to face the couch. And yet finding the kitchen is a cinch!

    These times when you think i'm complaining, or upset and frustrated, I am, and my blogging, my time to vent, to cry, to fuss and ask "Why"? is the most precious and priceless gift this site could ever give a person who has this crappy disease called Parkibson's!

  • You are the same Jupiterjane that you have always been , that is what YOUR Robert sees .. My John is much the same as you ..I still love him as much as the day we married 54 years ago , 55 next February . No wait , I love him even more now and can look past the the Parkinsons .

    If I am perfectly honest it is just as hard for the onlooker as the suffeer but what is the saying you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover .

  • Believe me I have nothing but respect and admiration for all caregivers! My Robert is my Hero! I know he loves me for me but I just want to be the best me I can be for him. He deserves nothing less than my best and i strive to give him all of me every day.

    Thank You for staying with and remembering the man you fell in love with, he is a very lucky man to have you by his side.

  • Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see the old me. Sometimes I see an old man. I think how I feel inside has a lot to do with how I look outside. Do you take time to pamper yourself? If not, get manicures and pedicures, get your hair done, buy yourself something on a regular basis. Maintain a positive attitude. Finally, when you don't feel pretty, say the following mantra to yourself over and over, either out loud or in your mind until it works:

    "I look great, I act great, I feel great, I AM GREAT!"

  • We are the lucky ones JupiterJane , to have had such lovely people in our lives . Sometimes we reap what we sow ., you must have sown a straight row lol .. Although I daresy you have had afew kinks in it lol. Keep smiling . When my husband gets a bit low , I pull a stupid face and get him to sing along with me . sing me a happy , happy happy , sing me a happy song . . and always look on the bright side of life dadadadadadadadada.

  • I do a lot of pretending that alls well it's the way that I cope . ..

  • Self loathing is one of The Signs of Parkinsons that i hate. It's The Devils Work. Once, when my wife and I were visiting New Orleans, we met a local shaman who told us that when the devil visits to look him in the eye and say "go away demon. I have better things to do". I think that you are a beautiful person. I love your art and poetry.

  • Aww! Thanks Joe! I love you too!

  • I feel that way when I get up in the morning and pass by a mirror on the way to the potty.Then I avoid the mirror for an hour or two, then try to go back to it and try to make a difference for the rest of the day. By the end of the day, back to the lady in the mirror. But its ok, just do the best you can and to heck with thinking what other think of us. They probably are not thinking of us anyway.

  • I hear ya Jupiter.....I try not to look at my reflection too......But as my one son always says....we have more to us than meets the eye.... (and you, my dear Parky friend are one of the most strong PD persons on this site.)....It has to be "mind over matter", even though we may not be clear all the time..We may get depressed at times, but after we "allow ourselves" a little pity-party, we go right on "being determined" to voice our opinions, thus never giving up!

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