Nowadays any kind of complexity sends me in a spin, and it doesn't take much. Take the dishwasher, my kitchen monster. I open it, and stare at the contents, knives, plates, dishes, pans, a whisk, a wooden spoon ... I sigh, where does it all go. Looking around my kitchen. all those cupboards and homes for things. I look back at the dishwasher and it overwhelms me. I shut it. If we washed only cups, I could cope, one cupboard, one shelf. Simple.
Then I turn to my to do list, it is rammed. I don't miss deadlines, but my 'to do' list stays in my head. If I attempt to write it down I would implode. Did I really commit to so much? do I really have to do all that this week, and how will I get through today?! I would curl up under the duvet if I faced it in its entirety. So I keep it floating in my head and hope that I keep enough wits about me to avoid failure. I only pull forward one thing at once, do it, 'cross it off' and then pull the next activity forward. Simple has to be my operating code.
I am finding more and more that busyness also stops me functioning such as a supermarket aisle filled with stuff I go 'product blind'. I see everything but can focus on nothing. A clothes shop, my favourite, I will select something, then another, then another put back the first, select 3 more, swap the second for a different colour, put back the last, pick up the first again..... and then buy nothing! Exhausting? yes it is.
What is most frustrating about all of this is ..... I never used to be like it. I was always clear, direct, decisive. To be reduced to a quivering jelly by the thought of a dishwasher would seem preposterous to the old me. The new me accepts it albeit with some reflective sadness, and ultimately I have to smile, who wants to be clearing up pots anyway!