joke time

a horse walks into a pub and asks for a pint of bitter the landlord says why the long face.

i've just come back from the pub i had a game of snooker with my russian friend you might know him he's called inoff the red.

while i was there one of my mates asked if i wanted a game of dominoes i said yes and sat down at the table were he proceeded to pull out of his bag a set of diamond encrusted dominoes i kid you not they were amazing anyway we started to play, but im ashamed to say greed got the better of me and i put one in my pocket only to find when i got home and looked at my ill gotten gains i'd only gone and nicked the double blank.

i did have a bit of luck though let me explain.....i was in the pub last week when this man came up to me and asked if i wanted to buy 3 homing pigeons he had in the back of his van well i jumped at the chance as i've always fancied owning some the trouble was when i got them home i let them out for some exercise and that was the last i saw of them but heres the lucky bit the same bloke was in the pub again today and he sold me another 3 pigeons he had in his van .........how lucky was that

while i was walking home from the pub i saw this man looking under the bonnet of his car i said to him everything ok he said no piston broke...........i said join the club mate so am i....

i woke up next morning to a knock on the door i knew it was the mother in law...because the mice were throwing themselves on the traps. i opened the door to a torrential downpour and i said dont stand there getting wet .......go home.

i dont suppose she's all bad why only the other day she paid me a complement ...she said i was a perfect idiot.

a rag and bone man called at her house the other day and asked if she had any beer bottles do i look like i drink beer she said in disgust the man looked at her and said so do you have any vinegar bottles? ,

11 Replies

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  • LMFAO!! :-) Some old classics there!

    A man walks into a bar....OUCH!!!......It was an iron bar!

  • A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, he goes to order a drink while the giraffe goes and lays down in the corner, the barman asks "whats that lyin there for?" the man replied "its not a lion its a giraffe!" :-)

  • bloke goes into chemist buys a packet of condoms all different colours, he goes back in afew months later and asks the assistant if they sell maternity bras yes he replied what bust, the sodding blue one i think !!

  • A man walks into a butchers and asks "can I have a Steak n Kiddley Pie please?" the butcher replies "Dont you mean Steak and Kidney?" the man replies "That what I said diddle I ?" :-)

    A woman goes to the doctor with a bit of lettuce tucked into her knickers...the doctor says "That doesnt look very good" to which the woman replies "Thats just the tip of the iceberg!!"

  • Its good to laugh thankyou

  • what do you call a man with a seagull on his head...............cliff

    what do you call an indian karaoke singer.........gerupta singh

    what do you call an indian with a sheep .........mohamed asalamb

  • A man walks into the doctors with a steering wheel down his underpants....the doctor asks "whats wrong with you?" to which the man replies "I dont know doctor but it`s driving me nuts!!"

  • Thanks you guys! Wish I could remember jokes! Love brit humor (sorry humour) :D

    :D

  • Quasimodo running down the street being chased by loads of kids, eventually he stops, turns round and shouts "Look I havent got your F***ing ball!" :-D

  • quasimodo his face rings a bell

    man goes into the fish shop and says fish and chips twice please the bloke behind the counter says i heard you the first time.

    did you hear about the bloke that could'ent cum ........he sent his brother!

    lone ranger and tonto are out on the great plains hunting,tonto is off his horse with his ear to the ground when he looks up and says kimosabey 3 men on horse back and a stagecoach have just past this way thats amazing says lone ranger how can you tell,because the've just run over my head says tonto

  • What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A Ba..BOOOOM!!

    A man goes to a B n B knocks on the door and the landlady answers "can I help you?" She asks.... the man says "I want to stay here please" the landlady replies "well stay there then!"

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