Does anyone not think this is funny?

The Things I Owe My Parents

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside...I just finished cleaning."

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't cut it out, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're hit by a tram."

7. My Parents taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all those peas are gone."

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it."

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like a goose!"

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My Parents taught me ESP.

"Put your jumper on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My Parents taught me HUMOUR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?"

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

35 Replies

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  • Hi drew

    Good ur back on the site

    I think ur jokes r really funny

    Lol jill

    :-)

  • Cheers Jill

  • I believe we had the same parents!

  • It appears to be more or less universal!

  • Nice 1 Jane

    Lol Jill

    :-)

  • The equivalent of a $120,000 college education, and it's all free!!!!!

    Thanx ,Drew!!!!!

  • LMFAO :-D

  • What he said !!

  • What they said!

  • Just to round off the week then - I promise - no more for a while :

    Only the British would get this one!...........................

    Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

    It was just After Eight.

    They got off at Quality Street .

    He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a

    Wispa.

    'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

    He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

    Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

    He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

    Soon they were Heart Throbs.

    It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

    But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

    Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had

    Allsorts!

  • Heard this one many times but it is still funny! :-D

    Anyone who needs a translation myself or Drew will be happy to help :-D

  • For our American cousins, if you have not guessed, this tome is about using the names of sweets and choc bars on sale in UK to create the story. Not the same when you have to explain it though.LOL

  • Have just joined this site, busy scanning through & what do I find...brilliant!!

    We couldn't stop laughing . My parents taught me is soooooo true. Thanks

  • Welcome to the site :-)

  • Hi Goof55y, we have our more serious side but not always! Welcome aboard

  • Hi drew - these are hysterical and most of them I heard from my mother!

  • Hi Drew, you missed out one,EMPLOYMENT-

    "You hit the nail on the head"

    The Aussie get the 2nd one too. Remember we were and still are a Commonwealth country, vat u got over there, we got 2.

  • Thank you for completing the task! LOL

    Have a good day Aussie

  • My mom is Swedish American and went to same parenting school. For me it was Don't pick your nose or it'll get stuck that way (?) and Shut the door. Were you born in a BARN? (our agricultural roots!) Laughing out loud! My mom also taught me STOICISM "what's the use of saying anything? It's like talking to a brick wall." and ACCEPTANCE "You made your bed, you lie in it." and finally ? "Patty, you always have to have the last word." "No, I don't". happy mothers day (here in states on 13th)

  • Maybe the last lesson is SELF-AWARENESS. :D

  • I just love it - keep 'em coming!

  • I love them all Drew. I remember most of them having used many on my own children. My personal favorite is #13. My son would say #25 is what he got. LOL!

    Terri

  • Drew are you my long lost brother, mum and dad said the loot and more

  • I think I'm so screwed up because my brothers told me had garments on my back, pupils in my eyes and worst of all that my epidermis was showing..waaaa

  • WEIRD LOGIC. Don't do as I do, do as I say!

  • I think parents must be the same wherever we live. I have said most of these things to my children and expect they will say them to their children. Reading them brings back many happy memories of my childhood. Thanks Drew and great to have you back. One my mother used to say to me was don't look like that cos if the wind changes your face will stay like that.

  • My mom told me the same thing and I was going to shape up, but before I could, %$*&(*^, the wind changed!

  • There is a saying in Finland at least, that I'm using , too, in situations when I just can't get my boys to do anything and nothing is progressing: - this is like dragging a sled full of stones.(I'm not sure of the translation.) and another one is when they don¨t bother to clean up there mess is ---you are living like in a field --do not sound good translated..I don't know if you get the idea--.

    All the sayings here have been familiar to me,also most of those britsh candy ones.. I guess we all humanbeings go through the same things ...and the good candies are known everywhere..:-)

  • They sound just fine. I know what you mean about the translation - something seems not quite right. Your English is better than mine - I'm Scottish!

  • Hi Drew!! I'm happy you are back too! We have heard those here in San Antonio, TX USA! Heehee!! Wow!! We are ALL the same!!! My hubby says he was told most of those all the time growing up!! My mom only told us that the crossed eyes would stay that way if the wind blew into them!! I'm copying this and sharing it on my email to my family and friends!! Love it!! Thanks!! Mary

    :-D

  • You are welcome. San Antonio, what a great name. I got an abuse report on me for those funnies would you believe? There's no pleasing everyone. They will probably trip over their halo! Y'all have a good day from a rather cold North East Scotland. Oh, one more - "I'll take my hand off your face!" It wasn't the coming off that bothered me it was what came before. Ouch. Be proud Mary.

  • WOW???!!! Abuse letter???? Gezzzzz!!! Silly silly people!!! I don't know why everyone is soooo uptight now-a-days!!!

    Never heard that extra one!! Sorry but I don;t get it either!!! Woooosh!!! Right over this head!!! LOL!!

    North East Scotland???? You live there? Wow!!! Isn't technology just fantastic!!??? Wish I could vist!!!! San Antonio is a geat place to visit too and lots of people who do never leave!! Haha!! Getting crowded here!! Ever been?

    Take care Drew! :-)

  • Hi Imbanni, wanted to send you a private message but you are not listed in the directory. This not the place to have a chat. Be well, Drew

  • Sure I am! Don't know why this isn't the place for chating though..... isn't that what we are all doing? :-O

  • yes of course. I tend not to give out personal details to everyone. Have a grand day.

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