Endings

I want to die alone.

Curled up

with my own thoughts

welcoming the end

with contented bliss.

I don't want to be

circled by my

friends and family

clutching my hand,

reciting prayers,

listening,

listening,

for the last breath.

Most of these people

I don't even like.

Leave me be.

I'm not going

to forgive you,

and I don't want

to be forgiven.

All the sad looks,

and the whispered

platitudes

don't help.

What really matters,

what I truely want,

are more of those times

when we forget

the dying.

When laughter

fills the air,

when stories

are being told,

memories created.

I want to cry

because I laughed

so hard my joy

is leaking.

Life is not

always happy

and the end of life

I suppose,

not so heroic,

but as endings go,

I suspect,

it can be

rather spectacular.

Jupiterjane

9 Replies
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Things I think about...

Reply

You sound so sad in your poem and someone or something will bring a smile to your face!!! :))

Reply

I don't want to die at all

Maybe even ever

It's not that I'm afraid of what comes next

It's that I'm terrified to leave

Too soon

there is something I need to do

you see

There's a daughter

I have to grow

she doesn't even know

And there's more

There are

friends from before

friends from today

and friends yet made

I've got gardens to plant

Seeds to sow

And you know, I move slow

No I don't want to go

Reply

You express how I feel at times. Afraid to go. Afraid to stay. There are so many things I cannot leave. How will I know when its time to go? At the moment the good times outweigh the bad, but I know this may not always be so.

Sue

:-)

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I totally agree sue,although my bad and good times are 50/50,if i didnt have my daughter the bad times would be higher.

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You have said exactly as I feel also....I was with each of my parents when they died, they were both ready ...they knew it was their time. And I'm sure I will too. I am not afraid to die..I am only sad for the ones I leave behind. I have 5 children ...all grown thank God, and they have given me 5 wonderful grand kids! I am tired ..I don't want to grow old with this disease...it has been a very long 15 years...I hurt ...sometimes they have no idea how much...I try to smile when I really just want to cry or better yet just close my eyes ...sleep...and never wake....but I take a pill to keep those thoughts away...right? But the feeling is there still....it isn't time just yet,...but I am ready when it is. It will be quiet and calming.....I won't hurt anymore....

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I realize this is a very emotional subject and we all have our own ideas of what death, our own death, will be like. I have lost many family and friends and being there at the end when they take thier final breath was very tramatic for me. Sitting in my Mothers hospital room, waiting, waiting for the gasping, long drawn out breathes to stop is all I can remember now. My Mother unresponsive, except for her pain,would say the word "no" as she struggled for air- I can still hear it now even now after 30 plus years. It's not how I want to be remembered...

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I too remember my mother's last 2 years of life. Miraculously she maintained an inner dignity while all visible dignity was stripped away. I remember when the drs asked if we wanted to enforce the DNR, and I went alone to my mom and asked her what she wanted. I had to explain several times that if they did not intubate her she would likely die in a matter of hours. I asked her if she was ready. She look into my eyes with the air from the oxygen mask flowing so hard it was moving her hair and even her eyelashes, and she gasped out "yes" and tried to nod her head. I gave my mom my daughter smile and just nodded.

Unfortunately that was day one of the beginning of the last 2 years of life. And this scenario was repeated thrice more.

I'm not afraid of dying, but the process of getting there--mercy.

Reply

Sadness

Your heart is breaking

your limbs are aching

the road you're taking

is covered in stones, not diamonds

I feel it too

and it makes me blue

but what makes it true

also makes it your life.

I want to die

alone

someday

maybe an off day

would be nicer

I'm not a burden

and I'm not alone

I have no wish

except for courage and grace

in the face of decaying

shrinking

stinkiing

Death

Reply

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