When your PWP / dementia hates you

[FRCmt]

Hi all, thank you for being here and posting your concerns. My question today is what do you do or how to cope when your person comes to hate you? My husband had Parkinson’s and dementia... he has always lashed out at me, but last 6 months or so he is especially brutal, calling me insane, mean, bipolar, effed up, sick, wrong, terrible, etc. I go to a support group for caregivers, and some of them have said the same, that their spouses attack them and say they are the worst and to blame for everything. My group only meets once a month and we don’t have enough time to really support one another. So I’m just here now to ask if any of you have been through this as caregivers and how you cope. I am so heartbroken to lose my husband to this, and now to have him turn on me with such anger / mean behavior is so devastating. Any thoughts?

[rescuema]

Please understand that it's not your husband, but PD that's acting out at you. It's always the most loved ones, especially the spouse or the closest caregiver, who get the brunt of the PD hatred. Remove yourself from the room if things escalate towards violence, and try your best to ignore what's said at the heat of the moment to just listen when he vents. It's simply horrible and absolutely not an easy task to be a caregiver. It'll definitely test the strength of your love, but your husband is depending on you and he knows it deep down that he loves you the most.

[rhyspeace12]

Have him get on some antipsychotic drugs. My husband wasn't mean, but he could be unreasonable. He took quetiapine and Remeron. With all you do for him, it sounds horrible to have him hate you. If he was always harsh with you, the Parkinson's has just made it worse. I don't think a perfectly nice guy would do that, they just seem to be an extension of what they were. (My Mom and Dad also had dementia and didn't get mean..) I could also calm him down with alprazolam. He recently died. I don't think once he gets dementia that he lives a long time., which sorry to say, doesn't sound like you will feel real sad when he is unless you can get him drugged up. I was married for 58 years.

I do agree that the person who they love, and who loves them the most gets the brunt of it.

I had to lock myself in my room to get away from him in his crazy times. Then the doctor told me to lock him in his room, but he crawled out the window!

[rhyspeace12]

PS. upping his dose of Atenolol by his psychiatrist who prescribed the drugs, was also calming.

[wifeofparky]

definitely speak to his doctors. There are meds that can help. My husband would do that and later remember how he acted and apologized for his behavior. Not always but I kept telling myself, this is the PD not my husband saying those awful things.

[mktbob55]

I know this won't help.

Same thing often happens with alzheimers. It's the disease.

[Steve1376]

God bless you. That is hard!

[katherinecompton22]

My spouse has Dementia with Lewy Bodies and frequently has delusions that I’m stealing from him, having affairs, trying to hurt him. Being called horrible names is so hurtful, and coming to terms that our marriage, as it existed, is forever gone has been devastating. As hard as it is now, I know it will get worse. I see a counselor, try to practice good self care, and have learned that, by better controlling my reactions, I can de-escalate some situations. There are 2 Facebook forums: Lewy Body Caregivers and Lewy Body Support Group - that I’ve found helpful both in terms of support and practical advice. Please take care, ask for help, stay connected!

[FRCmt in reply to katherinecompton22]

Thank you so much... this is what I’m facing, I fear (lewy body has been in the discussion for a while now ). I will look at those fb forums. Can’t believe this is my life now but I guess it is.