I saw this on "the British Lung Assoiation " posted by ABERDEENMAN . I am hopping that saying all that will allow me to re-post it here. It does not seem that we have anything to equal it .
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
There is much more light hearted banter in the PSP Association and there is no reason that this should be . I think I will ask Aberdeemnan if I can steel some of his large number of daily jokes and post them here.
comments ??
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
What a great idea! On these grey days when most news is sad or bad, a little humour is to be welcomed.
Below is a true story which is still continuing to this day. I hope it will raise a smile or two .....
Remembering Jo-Ann.
It must be about fifteen years since I first ‘met’ Jo-Ann, a true Texan lady if ever there was one. In her mid seventies, she was a member of the first PD forum that I joined, an American website known as SPARKLE, which is an abbreviation of Smiling PARKies Live Easier.
I do not recall how the subject of cats came up, but I had a serious aversion to the feline species, since we were surrounded by dozens of neighbourhood moggies digging up our garden or sneaking in through an open window, so I made a few derogatory comments tongue in cheek suggesting that cats were the work of the devil, beginning a thread which was to run intermittently for almost eight years.
Jo-Ann was a cat lover. She had a large and very hairy Angorra named Fritz, which, from her descriptions sounded more like a goat than a cat! Many ‘discussions’ about cat ownership, and cats’ place in society, if indeed they had such a place, were to follow. I posted a couple of cat recipes, one for Chat-au-Vin and the other for Chat a l’orange which, surprisingly I thought, Jo-Ann was unwilling to try. I also came up with a few things cats could be useful for, such as being used as a floor cloth, or for practising shot putt, or some other fiendishly devised activity. Sparkle members apparently found this sparring quite entertaining, and some joined in. One member once took me completely seriously and berated me for animal cruelty, until I explained that even I couldn’t go that far!
There were several other long term threads running on Sparkle; one concerned the antics of Phread, the phormidable, phantastic, pherocious, phornicating phrench phrog, and another the doings of Carole and her clone Elorac who kept a house full of ghouls and travelled everywhere by broomstick. Jo-Ann persuaded Elorac to place a ‘hex’ or curse on me, promising that one day catkind would seek and get retribution for my sins against them! Of course I took this with a grain of salt and continued my attacks on that despicable species, often with an idea drawn from that wonderful tome “101 Things to do With A Dead Cat”.
Jo-Ann went into hospital for surgery on her knee. Having had major heart surgery only a few months prior, this was to be nothing more than a minor inconvenience, but sadly Jo-Ann died during the procedure. As one of the most prolific, witty and innovative posters on Sparkle, she left a great void there that could never be filled, and is still remembered and missed to this day.
Time passes, and life goes on, and the memories of those crazy conversations were pushed to the back of my mind as new ones took their place – until some seven or so years later when something happened to bring them all flooding back.
On a typical English summer afternoon, late August 2009, a cat was found outside our back door, seeking what little shelter it could from the driving rain. My animal loving younger son, Robert, insisted that this bedraggled feline should be brought into the warm and dried. One thing led to another, and since she was found to be very skinny and probably pregnant, she was offered some sustenance which she disposed of rapidly. We recognised her as a member of the menagerie of animals that lived two doors away – a collection that included dogs, cats, ferrets, rabbits and poultry – but her shabby condition indicated that little care was given for her well-being and she had to fend for herself. Over the next few weeks, she gradually became a more frequent visitor, and, with worming and regular feeding her condition improved dramatically. It soon became evident that our suspicions about her pregnancy were correct as her underbody got closer to the ground!
On 29th September, she arrived as usual around mid-day for her daily feed, but seemed unusually clingy, and when her normal departure time arrived she tucked herself away in the old clothes basket she had commandeered underneath the kitchen table. It was delivery time – the moggie-sprogs were on their way. Robert assumed the role of chief midwife, and by midnight we had two kittens with a third arriving soon after. This was a major turning point, because she has made this her home ever since. The kittens were all healthy and the mother was very good with them. She periodically tried to move them, but we always managed to round them up and return them to where we could get at them, which ended up being my bathroom! We soon learned that one kitten can do as much damage as a dozen human toddlers in the same time period, so three just about wrecked the joint. Eventually, they were old enough to be re-homed, and we were fortunate to find three excellent homes for them, one of which is just next door. Robert was quite upset to see them go, especially his favourite ginger tom! It was good to get my bathroom back though, and we vowed never again would that cat be allowed to breed, so we took the little s**t to the vet for “the operation!”
It was several weeks later that for some reason I remembered Jo-Ann, and her ‘hex’ that would turn me into someone who liked cats. I had to admit that ‘Mog’, as she had been imaginatively named, did have a lovely nature and was no trouble at all. She showed signs of having been ill-treated, but as the weeks and months passed her confidence grew as she took over the position of ‘boss’, and we became her staff. We are unsure of her age, but if the vet’s estimate is correct, she was born somewhere near the time that Jo-Ann died. That Jo-Ann had promised so forcefully that I would pay for my crimes against catkind made me feel a bit ‘spooky’ now to say the least. Is Mog really Jo-Ann reincarnated, and here to ensure I pay my debts?
I am treating her with the greatest respect, just in case!
Cats rule. Not better than dogs just way different.
I know a cat lover who will love this! thanks !
I think humor is just what most of us need and appreciate the funny stories.
Benefit without a med. how wonderful is that?
Cats eeewwww
We don't have one. But most neighbors do. They harass my chipmunks, kill the birds, dig in my flower beds, come in through the open garage door where it stinks of cat pee. When we had a cat (my son's) it did not do those things in my yard or garage , it went down the street to a house owned by an old fuddy duddy named Arny, and did it there. Arny and his bride had bought the house 30 years before we moved into the neighbor hood and was retired. Arny complained a lot about the cats but no cats were defecating on my property , so I did not understand his problem. A couple weeks after the cat died, Arny asked if it was ok because he had not seen it for a while. Then Arny passed and new owners moved in with their two cats. When the new guy called me a bit of a complainer, it finally hit.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."
Paddy shouts into the phone,"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutsd apart!". "Is this her first child?". "No", shouts Paddy, "This is her husband!"
I went over to The British Lung Association here in Health unlocked when every one was sleeping and stole some more jokes from Aberdeenman.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each left 5,000 pounds by a rich man on condition that after his death they would each put 100 pounds into his coffin in case he needed it in the afterlife. The Englishman and the Irishman duly put in their hundred pounds. The Scotsman took out the 200 pounds and put in a cheque (check) for 300 pounds.”
Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen, and two Irishmen were stranded on a desert island. It wasn’t long before the Scotsmen started a Caledonian Club and were playing the bagpipes, tossing the caber and eating haggis. The two Welshmen started an Eisteddford and were soon competing against each other in a song and dance. The two Irishmen started a Ceilidh and downed a few pints of Guinness. The two Englishmen went to opposite ends of the island and would not speak to each other because they had never been properly introduced.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went to a party. The Englishman took six bottles of beer.
The Irishman took six crates of Guinness.
The Scotsman took six friends.
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were all stranded in a desert and somehow manage to find a deer. They all wanted their fair share so the Englishman said “We’ll sort it out by who you support”. The Englishman said “I support Liverpool so I’ll have the Liver”. Then the Scotsman said “I support hearts so I’ll have the heart”.
The Irishman said “I support arsenal but I’m not that hungry!”
OK last ones I steel I will find or remember one from Canada
PS: I am what happens when you mix 1/2 Irish 1/4 Scott and 1/4 English ancestry keeping in mind that the Scott includes some Danish and Laplander and the Irish includes Roman and French and the English includes French Huguenots and German and that I am a descendant of Gangus Kan and I am here in Canada where most people have a similar heritage but don't really care, therefore most would not get the jokes.
There was a duck, he walked into a chemist shop and asked for some condoms. As the chemist was wrapping up the package he asked " shall I put this on your bill?" Duck replied " don't be stupid! I know what to do with them! "
I love comedy and I avoid the TV news which is there to scare us.
On the radio so one mentioned that comedy is the new rock & roll, for me it always been there and it what keep us going
The East End of London has always been a poor area and it where I came to nurse in the 1960s and fell in love with the sense of humour.
Just yesterday I was talking to my family about a comedian who opened with this line The day the war broke out my wife said to me what are you going to do and the words went something like this.' I said my mate George and me will go to Dover to stop the Germany army'.
Victoria, sounds like a Robb Wilton sketch; "The day war broke out" was his catch phrase. Maybe this is the clip you remember: youtube.com/watch?v=775DE0Y...
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
General MacArthur
"You, you, and you .... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
Clean it, if it's Dirty.
Oil it, if it Squeaks.
But: Don't Screw with it if it Works!
USAF Electronic Technician
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
USAF - Ammo Troop
"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death
I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude:
Latitude is Where We are Lost,
&
Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There!
USAF Navi-guesser
--------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine air plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and
"Oh S..t!"
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation.
We never left one up there!"
"Flying the air plane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
A cowboy arrived before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a group of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest & most tattooed biker & smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, & ripped out his nose ring, & threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now back off or I'll kick the s..t out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago." answered the cowboy!
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B1 and madopar experience
Rytary switching, tips from your success?
