Third attempt at this Blog. The other 2 went off into cyber space, somehow, somewhere!
Recently, under my Doctors care, I went off my antidepressants. The antidepressants were making me feel groggy, spacey, and slow, like I was swimming in mud. It took over a month of weaning off the medication before I started feeling more like myself! But it was tough and I suffered through a lot of strange side affects, but now my mind is clearer and I am feeling more aware. I am able to take on a few more responsibilities and contribute more to my household. Last night “My Robert” said to me, “you’re different now”, “You’ve changed, I feel like you don’t need me anymore”. But I do need “My Robert”. He is my anchor, my friend, my confidant. He is the Love of My Life and I waited what seemed like a lifetime to meet him! This damn disease, it just eats away at you, he’s right I am different. I am silent more these days, afraid to engage in conversation, knowing that the words that come out of my mouth are not the same words I had in my head, I avoid crowds, they don’t understand I have only one speed. SLOW. I don’t go to the movies because I can’t concentrate or sit still long enough to grasp the plot anyway. Most days I wear frumpy, comfortable clothes and wander about the house working on several different project. It will sometimes take me two or three days to psych myself up for a scheduled Doctors appointment or shopping trip, mentally preparing for the stares, the pointing, the pushing aside and the questioning yet knowing looks that just brings those pitied eyes.
I want “My Robert” to know now while I can say it clearly, I need You, I Love You and I do not want to Live without you! These feelings will never change, no matter what the Parkinson’s lets show on my face, or the vile words that may come out of my mouth, I will always, always Love you. I will fight as long and as hard as I have to for myself, to remain true to myself and not let the Parkinson’s consume me. But it wears on you, it just wears on you…