"I'm Worried"

Third attempt at this Blog. The other 2 went off into cyber space, somehow, somewhere!

Recently, under my Doctors care, I went off my antidepressants. The antidepressants were making me feel groggy, spacey, and slow, like I was swimming in mud. It took over a month of weaning off the medication before I started feeling more like myself! But it was tough and I suffered through a lot of strange side affects, but now my mind is clearer and I am feeling more aware. I am able to take on a few more responsibilities and contribute more to my household. Last night “My Robert” said to me, “you’re different now”, “You’ve changed, I feel like you don’t need me anymore”. But I do need “My Robert”. He is my anchor, my friend, my confidant. He is the Love of My Life and I waited what seemed like a lifetime to meet him! This damn disease, it just eats away at you, he’s right I am different. I am silent more these days, afraid to engage in conversation, knowing that the words that come out of my mouth are not the same words I had in my head, I avoid crowds, they don’t understand I have only one speed. SLOW. I don’t go to the movies because I can’t concentrate or sit still long enough to grasp the plot anyway. Most days I wear frumpy, comfortable clothes and wander about the house working on several different project. It will sometimes take me two or three days to psych myself up for a scheduled Doctors appointment or shopping trip, mentally preparing for the stares, the pointing, the pushing aside and the questioning yet knowing looks that just brings those pitied eyes.

I want “My Robert” to know now while I can say it clearly, I need You, I Love You and I do not want to Live without you! These feelings will never change, no matter what the Parkinson’s lets show on my face, or the vile words that may come out of my mouth, I will always, always Love you. I will fight as long and as hard as I have to for myself, to remain true to myself and not let the Parkinson’s consume me. But it wears on you, it just wears on you…

Jupiterjane

14 Replies

oldestnewest
  • i jane

    your robert does need you and you him

    i have the similar probelm with my partner in that he did not kmow me b4 the diagnosis with the psp

    and he thinks i give nothingto ohim and just take from him

    |But u r so rihgt it is difficult to put thoguhts into tte words i do want to say and the negative ones come otu of hte mouth b 4 i realise it

    i am never free fo the psp and am the only one who cannot ever get away from it - some man said that on the blog - respite care for everyone but hte person wiht hte illness

    i cnanot be much help btu feeel the same as you

    and it upsets me so much

    lets all attend the valentines party and let our hair down a little

    love jill

  • Oh Jane, I am so glad to hear you dropped the anti-deps. Your Robert had enough sense to love you in the first place, he will figure out the new you.

    Thanks, Jillann, for your comments too. I learn a lot from you all. I am still new to Parkinsonlandia…and I must admit that I am tired of it already.

  • I also feel like a different person. I am very blessed to have a husband who is always there for me.

  • Your Robert met and fell in love with YOU, you are still YOU and you always will be YOU. Parkinsons can never change that no matter how damned hard it may try. True enough you may not be able to do certain things as you used to but at the end of the day you are still and always will be.....YOU!!

    (this sounded better in my head)

    Love and support always

    Andy xx :-)

  • I will love my husband of 54 years for ever , but I do sometimes miss the husband that was .

    Although it is still there ., Parkinsons does seem to have taken away the ability for him to show me the affection he use to .

    Then I pick myself up and get on with loving the husband who is still with me ..

    I have to say it must be very difficult. for any couples who are not as happily married .

  • Thanks everyone for your kind comments and your support! I always send a copy of anything I write that mentions Robert to Robert for the simple fact that it is easier for me to write it than to say it and because it gives him a chance to reply publicly or privately, I like the private ones better, and because he knows how important it is for me to say whats on my mind. He just called to tell me how much he loves me. He really is the only one for me.

    Jupiterjane

  • Now you are going to have to find something else

    to worry about. Good luck!

  • here here to all the great comments and loving help given here - you are all wonderful people and just so needed by us parkies - fom parkie to parkie i send love and see you all on valentines day !!

  • We are all blessed to give or receive comfort and support from those who love us or those we love. Spouses, partners, family, friends, and PWP's. This is a wonderful site for us to be able to express our feelings. I hope everyone has a great day. Hugs and love to all.

  • You mention the vile things you say to Robert. Do these words just come out or do you really mean them at the time. My husband has said some very cruel things to me recently and they hurt very much. I believe it is not the real him saying these words and I ignore them but they still hurt very deeply.

  • No, those words are out of my mouth before I even know it. When I was coming down off my antidepressants I was very moody, well, extra moody and touchy, and with the addition of Parkinson's I was just mean. I really didn't know what was going on I was just a little crazy. I don't think your husband means any of the mean things he says to you. When he talks like that to you it is the Parkinson's talking, it's the disease, not your husband. You are a wonderful, kind, caring loving wife, that I can tell just by your words and your worry, and I love and respect you for being there with your husband while he travel down this unknown and scary path.

    Thank you and don't ever forget that your husband is still in there somewhere loving you!

  • Thank you for your kind words. I keep telling myself, it is the PD and not him saying those things. It is hard but I keep my mouth shut and walk away. I don't want him to see the tears in my eyes. We have been married over 41 years and we will stay together till the end. I pray each day they find a cure or at least a better medication to help the symptoms. Thank you again.

    I am glad I found this gorup.

  • My mom has day time grogginess/sleepiness . Both my Dad and I have beenh wondering whether it is the long term effect of the anti -depressants .. but their GP said no to disconuning. Do the Doctors even know anything ..

  • You obviously know your Mom better than the Dr. and I suggest you bring up the subject of antidepressant again. If the Dr. still isn't listening perhaps you should talk to her General Practitioner or find a Parkinson's Doctor who listens! If the Dr. doesn't listen to his Patient and the Caregivers then he's not getting the whole story. How can he be a caring Dr. if he doesn't listen.

    Hope you get some answers.

    Thank You for loving and caring for your Mother!

    Jane

You may also like...