An other one to get us through the rest of the day

An other one to get us through the rest of the day

A man walks into a big London fruit and veg shop and tries to buy half a cauliflower.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

'Some bamstick oot therr waants tae buy hauf a cauliflower.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'An this gentleman his kindly offered tae buy the ither hauf.'

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Glesga, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Glasgow ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothin' but whores and fitba players up therr.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Glasgow .'

'Christ, ye're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play fur?'

58 Replies

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  • yeah really good 1

    i thought it ended at line 6 and didna ge i tuntil i read the whole of it

    really good when the scots can take a joke against themseves

    me - i am originally from

    GODSO OWN COUNTY YORKSHIRE and no one can take that away from me

    ther eis a hilarious u tube "yorkshire airlines" which is funny and funnier each tiem fo wathcing

    love jill

  • Hi I`ve seen that "yorkshire airlines" on you tube and it is soooo funny!!......heres another "yorkshire joke for you and I`m sure you`ll understand it aswell Al

    A Yorkshireman goes into a jewellers and asks "can tha mek a gold statue o mi dog?" to which the jeweller replies "of course sir would you like it 18 carat?" the man says "ney yer daft bugger! I want it chewin a bone!"

    Hope you like that one and by the way I`m from Gods own county...Yorkshire...Sheffield

    Andy

  • Lmfao :-D

  • how do you do a smiley??

    love jill

    i am from the Norht riding Redcar originally not the west ridijng

  • I press "shift" then press the "colon" then "underscore" button then for a smile press the right bracket button or for a laugh press the capital D and a smiley comes out like this :-) or :-D

  • hiandy

    i shall try ::_[D

    WILL NOT DO IT

  • or shall try th eright bracket

    :_}D

  • press : then - then either ) or D :-) :-D

    to make any smiley wink just press ;

  • will try

    ;-)

  • i got it i got it!!

    thanks andy

    :-):

  • Yay!! :-D

  • A man walks into a butchers and asks "have you got a sheeps head?" the butcher replies "no its just the way I part me hair!"

  • So we have a compitition now , to see how can tell the crapest joke

    Al

  • A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad woman standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"

    The Scot hoarsely croaks, " Yes, please, I haven't eaten a bite of food for a week and I am very hungry !"

    She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a basket of food. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"

    " Oh, yes ! That food has made me very thirsty and I would very much like a drink!"

    She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad woman leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

    " Oh, you beautiful woman, don't tell me you've got a golf course here too!"

  • A man walks into a pie shop and asks "can I have a steak and kiddley pie please?" the shop owner says "don`t you mean steak and kidney?" to which the man replies "that`s what I said diddle I?"

  • or i said kiddley diiddle I ?

    :::::::::::_]D

  • Its my favourite joke :-D

  • The only joke I know is 'What's big and red and eats rocks...." if you don't know the answer I can only despair!!

  • Would that be, A Big Red Rock Eater,

    How you doin now that you are a married woman?

    Hope life is good for you and yours

    Al

  • Whats pink, wrinkled and hangs out ya trousers?

  • Oh Its your MUM

  • yay!!

  • AndyC once attended a Temperance lecture given by Sheffield’s top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

    The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"

    Andy piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

  • An American entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.

    After they had chatted for a while the Scot asked, "Where are you from?"

    The American replied "I'm from the finest country in the world."

    The Scot looked skeptical and replied "Are you? You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

  • An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims " May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony". The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: "No, thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here".

  • Last one for tonight i think?

    An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.

  • Ok Very Last one and one of my favs,Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home. When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

    He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently. "Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

  • I got a step machine from santa , just done 1000 steps with out falling , not bad i am thinking, at least if i fall it wont be in middel of road or in a garden, i'm bloody knackerd though, must soldier on and get my fitness back, seams that the answer to keeping health,

    i have not done any exersice for years , i used to be supper fit , spent a long time in the forces and have over 4,000 para jumps logged , miss it loads , some time i just drift away and think of all the good times and the situations we found our selfs in

    Ah memories.

    good night to all in the UK hope you sleep well, am still not tierd so anouther night shift on Requip XL

    Cheers

    Al

  • I have an elliptical machine and find that my legs hurt more after using it than before. It is difficult for me to know if the soreness is because I am returning to the machine or it is not the proper equipment for a PD patient.

    I exercise with a video and Xbox and don’t have that problem.

  • Don't Quit

    When things go wrong as they sometimes will;

    When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;

    When the funds are low, and the debts are high

    And you want to smile, but have to sigh;

    When care is pressing you down a bit-

    Rest if you must, but do not quit.

    Success is failure turned inside out;

    The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;

    And you can never tell how close you are

    It may be near when it seems so far;

    So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-

    It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

  • Thanks to everyone for making my day start with a smile. I am not a morning person at the best of times especially at 5,30am. Going to look after my grandaughter and get her to school!

  • It`s what we are here for :-)

  • I know and would not have it otherwise, but don't take my first tablet until 7am. Luckily my grandaughter is 7 so does not need a lot doing for her. I am usually up and running, not quite, by the time she goes to school. Then its dog walking time!

  • Al

    some great jokes mate....especially the one involving me! lol ( ironic as I was christened a methodist!! ) and what a lovely poem too.......I love this community!

  • Chees Mate,

    the things we do when on this site

  • Shakespeare walks into a pub and orders a drink....the barman shouts "hey get out yer Bard !! "

    Quasimodo walks int a pub and orders a whiskey...the barman asks "Bells alright?" Quasimodo replies "mind your own f****ng business!"

    Two Aardvarks walk into a pub....the barman asks them "why are you so miserable?" the aardvarks reply "we`re not miserable" the barman says "so whats with the long faces?"

    Thankyou you`ve been a wonderful audience!........I`m here all week :-)

    Andy

  • you people are great, what i say to young people when they say stupid things and really believe it.IS THAT YOUR HEAD OR DID YOUR NECK BLOW A BUBBLE. they never no what to say after that have a good day Bob

  • Morninn bob,

    Ah the youth of to day have no fecken idea

    Al

  • Mornin Bob....and afternoon Al

    Soooooo true about the youth of today......they are clueless......for instance how many of them would get the Shakespeare or the Aardvark joke.

    :-D

  • Not Fecken Many, by the way who is Shakespeare ? here have some Burns

    talk soon

    Al

  • An English doctor, being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.

    He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims" "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!" The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

    The next patient sits up and declaims: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi' murdering prattle!"

    Well, says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague. "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."

    "Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrects him. "this is the Serious Burns Unit!"

  • Lmfao :-D

  • And Some Burns for our pals across the pond

  • tha tis a bi]rilliant 1love it

    jill :-)

  • Ballad On The American War

    1784

    When Guilford good our pilot stood

    An' did our hellim thraw, man,

    Ae night, at tea, began a plea,

    Within America, man:

    Then up they gat the maskin-pat,

    And in the sea did jaw, man;

    An' did nae less, in full congress,

    Than quite refuse our law, man.

    Then thro' the lakes Montgomery takes,

    I wat he was na slaw, man;

    Down Lowrie's Burn he took a turn,

    And Carleton did ca', man:

    But yet, whatreck, he, at Quebec,

    Montgomery-like did fa', man,

    Wi' sword in hand, before his band,

    Amang his en'mies a', man.

    Poor Tammy Gage within a cage

    Was kept at Boston-ha', man;

    Till Willie Howe took o'er the knowe

    For Philadelphia, man;

    Wi' sword an' gun he thought a sin

    Guid Christian bluid to draw, man;

    But at New York, wi' knife an' fork,

    Sir-Loin he hacked sma', man.

    Burgoyne gaed up, like spur an' whip,

    Till Fraser brave did fa', man;

    Then lost his way, ae misty day,

    In Saratoga shaw, man.

    Cornwallis fought as lang's he dought,

    An' did the Buckskins claw, man;

    But Clinton's glaive frae rust to save,

    He hung it to the wa', man.

    Then Montague, an' Guilford too,

    Began to fear, a fa', man;

    And Sackville dour, wha stood the stour,

    The German chief to thraw, man:

    For Paddy Burke, like ony Turk,

    Nae mercy had at a', man;

    An' Charlie Fox threw by the box,

    An' lows'd his tinkler jaw, man.

    Then Rockingham took up the game,

    Till death did on him ca', man;

    When Shelburne meek held up his cheek,

    Conform to gospel law, man:

    Saint Stephen's boys, wi' jarring noise,

    They did his measures thraw, man;

    For North an' Fox united stocks,

    An' bore him to the wa', man.

    Then clubs an' hearts were Charlie's cartes,

    He swept the stakes awa', man,

    Till the diamond's ace, of Indian race,

    Led him a sair faux pas, man:

    The Saxon lads, wi' loud placads,

    On Chatham's boy did ca', man;

    An' Scotland drew her pipe an' blew,

    "Up, Willie, waur them a', man!"

    Behind the throne then Granville's gone,

    A secret word or twa, man;

    While slee Dundas arous'd the class

    Be-north the Roman wa', man:

    An' Chatham's wraith, in heav'nly graith,

    (Inspired bardies saw, man),

    Wi' kindling eyes, cry'd, "Willie, rise!

    Would I hae fear'd them a', man?"

    But, word an' blow, North, Fox, and Co.

    Gowff'd Willie like a ba', man;

    Till Suthron raise, an' coost their claise

    Behind him in a raw, man:

    An' Caledon threw by the drone,

    An' did her whittle draw, man;

    An' swoor fu' rude, thro' dirt an' bluid,

    To mak it guid in law, man.

  • Love it mate....

  • Erik The Red

    Crossed the Ocean

    Oar Sweep

    On a notion

  • Nice one joealt, wee bit of burns maybee

  • On A PD note,

    just done 3,000 step up on my machine, head is spinning legs sore , but no fall i know all the jokes and stuff might make you think that we are uncaring , far from it, we care very deeply about every one on this site, we just want to spread some happyness and a wee smile , to take us on our journy with PD

    if I or Andy have offended any one then we are sorry

    Regards

    Al & Andy

    If Not we shall charge on and entertaine you all

  • My sentiments also folks...

    maybe not everyone will understand my Sheffield accent or Als Glaswegian accent so if you need any translations please do not hesitate to ask us...we are at your service :-)

    Anyway I must love you and leave you now......I have to go back to my part time job.....I work with adults who have learning disabilities

    Talk soon

    Andy

  • cheers Mate , i dont go back to work till Monday, cant wait been off tooo long

    Al

  • u nade me weep a little

    silly or what

    tears of laughter and then a llittle weep

    ge4t o =n with the day jill

    :-)

  • In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal.

    In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas".

    "Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"?

    "Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".

  • Lmfao :-D..............he said the same about Yorkshire he he

  • Brilliant, hows work? I cant wait to go back iv been off scince nov last year

    doin my f@@ken head in

  • A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  • --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal:

    'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry:

    '9.'

    Principal:

    'What is 6 x 6?'

    Harry:

    '36.'

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

    Harry: 'Pants.'

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

    Harry: 'Shake hands .'

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

    Harry:

    'Firetruck.'

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the

    teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  • V GOOD ONE

    I LIKE IT

    LVOE JILL :-)

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