Hello ladies.
Not had the best of weekends, through the queen celebrations and the sad sad loss of lizzie I have found it very difficult to be upbeat. I also havent been feeling very well and have been extremley tired . I just hate the way that every bad day brings on the fear!!
I hate the way my life is now. And I wonder if it will ever get better.
X x
Dear Suzanne
I am sorry you are having a bad time at the moment... It is understandable....
I feel very guilty that I am a lot older and you're so young going through this terrible disease... we all feel sad for the loss of lovely Lizzie..... It has knocked us all for six.... I feel sure she wouldn't want that though.... her legacy is that she was so upbeat even though she new her prognosis....and really was a great support to us all.
I also lost a very dear friend ( last Tuesday ) to Oc her funeral is on Thursday..
it has been a bad week for me.... I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I am sending you my love and prayers .... I hope that things will get better for you.
love x Gwyneth x
Dear Suzanne
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low and poorly. The fear can be so all-consuming when it strikes. I hope there is someone you can talk to. Do any local cancer charities offer a counselling service? It sounds as if you need more than just online support just now. I hope you will be able to access some help and that you ail start regain some composure. But do let us know how things go.
Thinking of you
Linda
Thanku gwyneth. Ur words are kind and mean a lot. Im so sorry to hear about ur friend. It makes me feel so bad that I am feeling so sorry for myself. X x
And linda im still waiting to be accepted on my gps councelling list. This is something I have had to search for myself. I have never actually been offered any.
You may be right in saying that I need a little more than this forum but in truth id be so lost without it. X x
I was never offered any I had to ask and chase it up but it was worth it. Not feeling so good today myself. Had an ultrasound on my gall bladder this morning and I'm at the hospital tomorrow for my 3 monthly check up
Hi Suzanne, you're so right that losing Lizzie has knocked us all for 6. She would be the frst to say, keep your chin up though. Did you have contact with a specialist nurse at your hospital? After a diagnosis of cancer, they can put you in touch with someone who can talk through all the issues with you. Maybe that's just my hospital, but I would have thought it's pretty general. Ring your CNS and ask about it! You need someone to talk to.
Love Wendy xx
Dear Suzanne
You have every right to feel sorry for yourself..... I don't blame you at all... It is very understandable... and a very natural way to feel... we are after all only human.. you must feel as if the whole world is passing you by... we have all been there at some time or other...... it is good that you can write down your feelings on here...please don't stop we totally understand.. If we don't who will?
Love x G x
Thankyou so much. Your right I do feel like life is passing me by! Its just a constant barage of hospital appointments. And waking up wondering how im going to feel today.. I know im not alone and that everyone on here knows exactly how it feels. I am grateful to you all.
X x x
We are all saddened by our loss of Lizzie, I think by your previous posts you are in remission ? please make the most try and enjoy whatever you do, easier said than done but it really helps. Love Sue x
Dear Suzanne
I hope the morning finds you in better spirits. It has been a very tough time for us all knowing that Lizzie didn't have long to be with us. I think you are speaking for us all when you say you've been feeling low.
I do hope you can get some professional counselling help very soon and that the site here, your friends and your family bring you some comfort. You've had such a lot to deal with alongside your diagnosis and I often wonder how you are getting on.
Sending lots of positive wishes to you.
xx Annie
thankyou annie. xxxxx
Dear Suzanne,
I know what you mean about the fear. I am "in remissio" but have had a few bad nights lately, unable to sleep and the fear gnawing at me. I know this will be back & that hangs like the sword of damocles! I went to a party yesterday, ate some stuff I usually avoid and ended upfeeling nauseous? Hence another bad night! Unusual for me to let it get to me as I am determined to live every minute as fully as I can while I can but even I cannot keep the black dog at bay all the time.
I hope you manage to cage yours again soon!
Love Margaret
thankyou margaret.. i do find it upsetting that we have to fight the bad days when we have already had so many of them. And even though in remission we have to be so positive and try not to worry about the curse coming back... i find it so hard some days. I want more than anything to snap out of this..
maybe it will get easier.
xxxxx
At least on here people understand! I live alone so I do not have to be careful not to upset a partner or children. My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, she has had a lumpectomy and radio therapy and is awaiting the result of tests on a lump in her neck. All this on top of a shredded achilles tendon and MRSA. her husband is now exhibiting signs of severe depression and I am sure it is because he has problems coping with her illness. She is finding that very hard to handle! At least when I feel bad I can weep to my hearts content.
I comfort myself with this mantra "I've been here before, I got through it! I'll be here again and I'll deal with it. For now just hang on!"
Perhaps a very unhappy 33 year marriage, for 20 of which I took antidepressants served a purpse, it made me strong enough to copewith this!
Good luck! I hope your black days pass quickly, I usually find that good weather makes it easier to bear it all. Roll on some more sun!
I sometimes feel that women on here must get a bit pissed off with me mostly playing the "be positive" card, when they are feeling worried and scared. I do know what it feels like, I only do my Pollyanna act to give some hope that there can be a more positive future for some of us. I know the outcome is not good for all of us, and I may yet to be facing that. If you feel like having a wobbly day, it's important to go with the flow sometimes and give yourself time to worry and feel sorry for yourself, ....... just so long as it doesn't become a habit 
Whatever you feel like, don't be too hard on yourself. We all need compassion, not least from ourselves
Love Wendy xx
You are so wise wendy. X x x
As we're all feeling a bit down let's write a list of THINGS TO DO TODAY that will make us feel better.
I'm feeling a bit grotty after a poor night's sleep - so to galvanise my day I shall:
Take the dog for a long walk along the river. His water antics make me laugh. Crazy animal.
Take my passport application in to the Post Office to be checked and sent off to celebrate the fact that I intend to take a holiday this summer.
The Riverfords Box arrives today. I'll look up their recipes and cook something special for my husband's supper tonight.
I think I feel better already. I wish you all lots of joy. xx
as i have to work today 
i shall try and get on top of my work load and try not to think about how tired i feel..
i will hopefully finish work feeling like i have lightened my work load..
have a nice supper and try and sleep through the whole night.
xxxxx
Dear Suzanne - I hadn't realised you're struggling to go to work. Is there any way you can reduce your hours - or the work load? Do you have a decent manager you can talk to about your work and how tired you feel? No wonder you're feeling exhausted. What sort of work do you do?
I've only done a 3 day week since going back to work last March. I had a lot of holiday leave accrued and have been using this up. Work colleagues are a source of huge joy and companionship. Last week they organised a cake sale to celebrate the Jubilee and they decided the funds would be donated to Ovacome. We had a great day, ate a lot of cake, and I think we raised over £150.
I'm in rather a different situation to you. When I went back to work my boss's wife had been given my management responsibilities. I miss that element of my job. They had assumed I'd retire and had written me out of the budget altogether. The new arrangement is spectacularly wasteful at a time when there are mass redundancies in the public sector and I'm not good at being bored and wasting my time.
Let us know how it goes.
xx Annie
Hi Annie..
I work in a dental surgery, and I am the manager.. unfortunatley we are onky a small practice so every member of staff is crucial. including myself.. My boss was very understanding while i was having my treatment and i feel i had enough time off then.. But i am still very very tired and do struggle some days i just keep waiting for it to get easier as i am sure one day it will.. I am going to try and have a week of in july.
suzanne.. xxxxx
Dear Annie & All
I like your post Annie ... But I am sitting here feeling sorry forr myself...in other words ( balling my eyes out)) I have just slipped in the bath, pulled the shower curtain and rail down with it...don't know where I hurt the most...my husband as gone out this morning to let in the gas man at my son's house.......I don't want to make him feel quilty for not being here... he hardly ever leaves me.... ..rung my daughter.. ( not answering her phone ) so this is the next best thing... and when I have stopped shaking...I shall attempt another shower minus the shower curtain...time for some smiley faces 
that's my lot lol
Love x G x
oh no Gwyn.... I hope you are ok... you need to sit and take it easy for the rest of the day... thats an order..
big hugs....
suzanne.. xxxxxx
Oh dear.
I hope everyones day is now improving. Especially Gwyn and Suzanne.
I decided to have a lie in this morning and didn't get up til 12 o clock!So have managed to stay out of trouble so far.
This evening have got hoards of 19 year olds descending on us(my daughters birthday). Wish me luck!
Hugs to all
Juliex
thankyou julie...
i hope you evening goes well it will be distracting if nothing else..
hope you have fun
lots of love
suzanne
xxx
Oh, Gwyn! Poor you. Have a look at my earlier post on this thread. There are some times when we need to feel sorry for ourselves and we need to have a good old howl. I hope that by now you are feeling a bit more like picking up the threads ...or getting someone to pick them up for you, when he gets home. Aren't families wonderful!
Love Wendy xx
Dear Gwyn
I'm so sorry you're having such a horrible day so far. Isn't it just the final straw when you feel down anyway that another calamity comes hard on the heels of the first.
I'm sending my love and a massive hug to cheer you up. xxxx Annie
Oh Gwyn! What a horrid experience! I was so frightened of that happening that I replaced my bath with a shower! I asked social services for help and was offered a bath board! Had to laugh! If I sat on a bathboard and swung my lega over the side of the bath I would spray the room with s**t! And I told them so! I now have less fear that the lack of feeling in my feet will leave me lying naked in an empty bath for days before anyone notices I am missing!
I believe hot sweet tea is supposed to be good for shock! This siteb is better though! You can say what you want knowing we understand and you do not need to worry about our feelings!
Love Margaret
Dear Margaret
Your post did make me laugh. I hope it tickled Gwyn too. You are good at lifting the spirits. I thought of you and your lovely walk-in shower when Gwyn said she'd fallen earlier this morning. I've had a shower installed quite recently and can't say how much better it is than vaulting over the side of a bath with wobbly feet.
xx
Exactly! Add a stoma and you have an interesting reinterpretation of personalising your home decoration! Now I just keep a bottle of bathroom drain clear handy for those troublesome little accidents and my lovely plumber has made sure shower and washbasin are connected to the foul water sewerage system via the soil pipe! Next step learn to irrigate! LOL!
I feel rather Panglossish today! As in Candide! "Alls for the best in this best of all possible worlds" said in the face of horrendous disasters! LOL!
It's obviously one of those mornings. Mine didn't go according to plan either and I let somebody down.
But I thought you all might find it interesting/distracting to hear what I'm involved with at the minute. A lady who lives in my area was a train bearer at the Coronation and she has preserved the dress she wore in beautiful condition. I am sec of our local historical society and we are putting the dress on display for 2 days during our civic festival later this month to raise money for children's charities throughout Ireland. At the moment I am organising a rota of volunteers to supervise the exhibition and make sure nothing happens to the dress - wouldnt that be awful?!
Then at the end of the festival week I'm organising a wine tasting evening, this time in aid of a local OC cancer charity and Ovacome.
And in between times my niece arrives from Sweden for a week!!
So if you don't hear from me for a while you'll know I'm running around like a headless chicken trying to make sure I've done everything I'm supposed to.
Wish me luck
Linda
good luck linda.. xxx let us know how it all goes..
its a shame you cant post pictures on here id love to see the dress..
hope all goes well..
suzanne
xxx
There's a photo on here that will give you an idea. Lady Moyra Campbell is on the left. news24h.info/a-hartnell-gow...
Hi Suzzane- i have just recently been diagnosed and half way through treatment . I know how you feel as every symptom real or imagined you think it is the oc rather than the treatment or something unrelated . I do not think life will ever be the same for us all again but hopefully we will be stronger from it and learn to deal with each day. Hope is a great thing and also we are here and fighting on ! each day is more time to enjoy our family and friends and may there be lots of it to come for us all .
yes your right every little thing you feel you think it is related to the cancer... i feel really ill at the moment feel weak and sick!! and keep going light headed.. when i think back to pre diagnosis and pre treatment i do wonder wether i will ever feel that way again.. i have trouble coping with the way i feel, unhealthy and unwell all the time.. and so so tired.. I have rung my doctors today even though i feel im wasting his time i just want to feel well agian..
xxx
Hi Suzanne, I am sure you will get back to feeling normal again, but your body and your soul have been through so much. It's only about 18 months ago you had all your op and treatment, isn't it? It takes us a long time to recover from all this. Just be gentle with yourself and try to chill out as much as you can. I know it's not easy ..... also, you'll be thinking about your check-up. Whenever I was coming up for mine I used to convince myself that it had all stared up again. I remember one oncologist telling me that they could open me up again if I wanted them to, but it would be a waste of funds, their time and my time too! He gave me the kick up the a*** that I needed. By the way, I feel better than I ever have now, ........except for the odd arthritic niggle and back pains and occasional migraines ....Oh well, that's life when you're getting older
However, if you need something checking out, get some advice from one of the Ovacome helpline nurses, they will point you in the right direction. They are on 0845 371 0554 (10 till 5 on weekdays)
Take care
Love Wendy xx
Thankyou wendy. Ur right in every thing you say. And I have a check up coming up on the 2nd of july. It is worrying.
I am hoping that I get the counselling I need soon. Im just fed up of feeling so unhealthy.
Thanku again wendy.
X x x
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