Feeling sorry for myself

[Juleswhee]

So the chemo for my recurrence went Ok on Friday and Saturday was going to be a take it easy day , just a potter and housework if I felt up to it and I did but early afternoon my lovely elderly Mum passed away , not completely unexpected but after dealing with the awfulness of altzheimers with her for the last four years the end was swift .I have wanted to talk to her so much this last year since I have been ill and haven’t been able to , making jokes and telling white lies about where my hair had gone and then why it was no longer ginger was as close as I got .I hadn’t seen her since my recurrence two weeks earlier so now I feel guilty .Thanks for listening , trying to work through the guilt .xxx

[Katmal-UK]

Awww Jules, to be going thru what you are and have to cope with your mums illness and subsequent loss is such a lot to deal with. Cut yourself some slack in terms of the guilt. I speak from a place of total understanding as my Dad died of cancer whilst I was going thru chemo. I totally get how you are feeling and hope you can come to aplace of peace with the way you are feeling. I doubt your mum would want you feeling guilty for one second. Sending you a big hug xx Kathy xx

[Juleswhee in reply to Katmal-UK]

Thanks Cathy , I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but it’s so hard when your feeling a little bit down after chemo isn’t it .Her quality of life was awful so I am just greatful the end was so peaceful .xx

[Kryssy]

So sorry to read your post my lovely and completely understand the guilt feeling. I put off calling my Mammy Betty one day. I usually phoned 3 or 4 times a week as we were in separate countries. She died that night at the age of 92 but still as mentally sharp as a teenager, but her poor body was letting her down. It was about 2 years before the guilt went away and to be honest, I punished myself unnecessarily and wasted precious time on "what if's" and "why didn't I". I hope you can diss off the guilt as it sounds as if you've been a good daughter, despite your mum being so poorly. We can only do what we can do and I put off the phone call when I was fit and healthy but you have your own worries right now. I now focus on all the good times and the happy memories of my Mammy Betty and not just the one day when I put myself first. I hope you can do the same and not feel bad. Perhaps, in a weird way, it was kinder not to tell your mum everything.

Be kinder to yourself. xxxxx

[Juleswhee in reply to Kryssy]

Thanks Kryssy , I know it’s irrational to feel guilty but I have looked after her for 17 years since my Dad passed and more so since 2014 when she was diagnosed.The last year I have left it mainly to carers and my brother but feel if I hadn’t taken my eye off the ball she wouldn’t have deteriorated so much , untrue I know , she had many other health issues and she was 88 xx

[Kryssy in reply to Juleswhee]

Stop that now missy. You are in no way responsible for how much or how little your mum deteriorated. You know it deep down but it's early days as you have only just lost your mum and you are trying to rationalize why she has died. It is not your fault and in time you will know that. Just grieve for your precious mum, the way that you are supposed to, and put the bad thoughts where they should be. In the trash can (see I know you are in USA). Imagine what you would say to someone who felt guilty about losing you when they had no need to. It can be a natural emotion after a loss and I'm sure you would tell them that it is silly and time wasting. Look in the mirror and tell yourself the same thing. Don't waste time beating yourself up, as I did. I wish now I had listened to everyone else who told me not to feel guilty. I would have had that extra time thinking of the happy times instead. xxxxx-

[Juleswhee in reply to Kryssy]

Hi , Yes your so right , not like me to wallow , I’ll be Ok tomorrow .One thing your wrong about though I’m in London lol.xx

[Kryssy in reply to Juleswhee]

Oh bugger! I thought Mount Vernon was in USA. Blame it on the chemo brain. That chemo brain comes in very handy sometimes. xxx

[Lyndy]

Oh Jules....poor poor you.chemo is quite enough to deal with...I feel so sorry that you are also having to deal with the death of your Mum too. One step at a time...you will find out you are one tough cookie ❤️ Lyndy x

[Juleswhee in reply to Lyndy]

My friend says you only get as much to deal with as you can handle but today I feel like screaming “enough” .Tomorrow I will be fine I’m sure.Thanks for your support, I love this group .xx

[Coldethyl]

Sorry to hear this -don’t let guilt ruin your memories of your mum - everyone does the best they can in difficult situations and you have to put yourself first sometimes - your mum would have understood this had she not had dementia and would have wanted the best for you - take care xx

[Juleswhee in reply to Coldethyl]

Yes that’s just what my husband said , she certainly would have been devastated to know I was ill , at least she never did find out.Thanks for your reply it means a lot .xx

[Yoshbosh]

Ah Jules 😕 I am so sorry to hear about your lovely mum. Don’t blame yourself or feel guilty. Like Kryssy says, remember the happy times and try to smile.

Sending you a gentle hug, Vicki x

[Juleswhee in reply to Yoshbosh]

Thanks for the hug , I haven’t had any bad side effects from the chemo so tomorrow I am going to throw myself into helping my brother with the things that need to be done for our Mum , I am sure that will help to work through it.xx

[lesleysage]

This forum is just so good, Jules, isn't it? The 'virtual' arms of understanding wrap around us. Warm wishes as you move forward. Lesley

[Juleswhee in reply to lesleysage]

This is a brilliant forum I am so pleased to be a part of it , all the girls are great with hugs, love and advice .xx

[BeeWild]

So so sorry for your loss Jules 😪

No one like your mum and hey lady you’ve been a superstar for taking care of her so well all this time, your mum was blessed to have such a devoted daughter 💖

You’re right to scream enough I think it’s time you were given a break from trauma after this x it’s bad enough being on the OC rollercoaster so like Kryssy said remember the good times and the laughs you had with your mum, be sad she’s passed but do not feel guilty you’re fighting for your life and your mum will want you to win this battle xx

Hugs and lots of love

Bev xx

[Juleswhee in reply to BeeWild]

Sorry for tardy reply, just been mooching around sorting through Mums bits and choosing music for her send off .The musics the killer. This forum is great for support and I really do know I shouldn’t feel guilty. Thanks for your kind words. XxxJulia

[BeeWild in reply to Juleswhee]

💖💖💖🦋🦋😘

[Solange]

Oh Jules, how sad for you. Please do NOT feel guilty. You've done such a lot when you could. It must have been very tough for you, especially with you being ill. I know how guilty I felt when my own Mum died and all the 'if only' and 'what ifs' went through my head. That was eight years ago but they still pop into my head at odd unexpected moments but I now know it's a normal reaction when grieving. Just remember all the happy times. It's good she went swiftly but obviously sad for you. Not seeing her since your recurrence is nothing compared with all the love and attention she's had ffrom you for all those years. It sounds to me as though you've been a very good daughter.

With love and sympathy, Solange

[Juleswhee in reply to Solange]

Hi Solange , Thanks for your warm comforting words . I really lost Mum in 2014 when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I am trying to focus or what she was like before that time .....My Mum xxxbest wishes Julia

[gmc920]

So sorry for the loss of your mother. I’m sure she always felt your love, and I’m wishing you comfort and peace in this difficult time.

xx Gina

[Juleswhee in reply to gmc920]

Thank you Gina , being amongst the teal sisters is a comfort for all things at the moment , proud to be one of them xx Julia

[KBM22]

Just sending big hugs and love. Deep breaths and be kind to yourself xxx

[Juleswhee in reply to KBM22]

Hi , feeling a bit more settled today , most of the arrangements are made . Thanks for your support xx Julia xx

[Maus123]

Aw Jules. So sorry you had to experience that double whammy and that your mom is dead.

I know what that feels like though. My healthy and fit 73 year-old dad died very suddenly a few years ago, from a blood clot. The years prior to his death, I had kept in touch only very loosely. Could pull out the old 'lived thousands of miles away' excuse, but that doesn't hold water in the age of phones, email and social media. It was laziness more than anything, to be honest, as I wasn't diagnosed with OC until later. Still feeling somewhat guilty and rotten about it, several years on, but I have to hope he forgives me.

That said: Please try not to feel guilty. You were sick after all and that means the biggest part of your focus had to be with yourself. In combination with your mom's illness and the added pressure of having to keep your own suffering secret, I don't know how else you could have born it, to be honest. Medical treatment is only half the battle. I believe it's quite important to keep a positive mindset too, in order to get through and out the other side after treatment ends.

So please please do not feel guilty. Grief as you must, and as other said, remember the good times and the love above all else. All the best with your chemo. Hugs, Maus.

[Juleswhee in reply to Maus123]

Hi Maus, Sorry for tardy reply , been sorting through Mums bits and making arrangements . I know I did the best I could for Mum and only gave in to carers when my own health dictated and she had so many things wrong with her that even if I had been around 100% of the time I couldn’t of saved her so the guilt is irrational . Thanks for your wise words and kind thoughts xxLove Julia xx

[SCWI]

Dear Jules

So sorry to hear about your Mum. The other ladies have put it so well. My Mum is 87 and I feel guilty that I don’t see enough of her as she is a long drive away. I am sure she knew how much you loved her. Big hugs 🤗 Sophia x

[Juleswhee in reply to SCWI]

Hi Sophia , feeling a bit more settled today , I know guilt is irrational but we all feel it at some point about something . Thanks for your kind words .xxJulia

[delboy4me]

Oh Julia I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty your mum didn't notice, I can relate to how you are feeling having just lost my dad a few weeks before I knew about my need for more treatment this month. My heart goes out to you though, so many mixed emotions. No more suffering for her now, she's at peace, try & find some comfort in that. ( I start my carbo/ caelyx tomorrow). Thinking of you, Pauline xx

[Juleswhee in reply to delboy4me]

Just to say the Carbo Caelyx wasn’t as bad as feared , just the dreaded rabbit poo to contend with , Thanks for your words , so kind xxx

[Debonair1]

So sorry for your loss. Your mind must be in turmoil at the moment.

Watching and caring for your mum on the last 4years must have been so hard.

Hope when things are more settle you will see what a fantastic daughter your are.

Xxx

[Juleswhee in reply to Debonair1]

Hi , Thanks , more settled today , have sorted some of Mums bits and made some funeral arrangements so keeping busy . Thanks for your kind words . Julia xxx

[bamboo89]

My mum passed a couple of years ago - she'd been bedridden for some time, nothing physically wrong, all caused by vascular dementia. The person she was disappeared at least five years before she died, and frankly, when she finally lost her swallow reflex and couldn't swallow the antibiotics for her UTI, we chose not to have her transferred to hospital for IV antibiotics yet again. She couldn't see properly, she couldn't hear, she knew no one, spent almost all of her time asleep, and we were just grateful - grateful she passed easily, grateful to see her languishing in such a condition finally over, both for her and us, it's agony to watch, it's a pity it took 8 years. We felt she'd been released after a long period of suffering... and I think that's what has happened to your mum. And absolutely don't feel guilty - life ends, for all of us, at some point, and often its a relief to the dying person. And I'm very glad you managed not to burden her with your own illness, although that must have been hard, given she was probably the very person you might have shared it with in earlier, better years.

Remember her with fondness, and try to be glad she's been released... miss her though you do. Take care of yourself..

Miriam

[Juleswhee in reply to bamboo89]

Thanks Miriam , l know it’s a release for her and the end was very peaceful . Feeling stronger today Ready for my own battles xx Juliaxx

[Elizabethe]

Dear Jules, I am so sorry for what you are going through and I’ve got tears rolling down my face as I write. When my Dad had Alzheimer’s a friend said to me as your friend said to you, you only get as much as you can deal with in this life, but I didn’t find it helpful! and what you are dealing with is so, so much to bear. When my dad was in the late stages of Alzheimer’s - for years before he died - it was heartbreaking. To be a bereaved daughter, caregiver, and also to be dealing with your own diagnosis and treatment is more than I can imagine. From the way you have written about your mum and the last year of caring for her while being unwell yourself you sound like a truly amazing, loving, and selfless woman who has had the strength to keep going in a very difficult time. Sending you deep sympathy and continued strength and support

X

[Juleswhee in reply to Elizabethe]

Hi , Thanks for this . I should be grateful that her Alzheimer’s battle only lasted four years , shortened by her many other problems.I am so grateful that the end was as peaceful as it could be xxJuliaxx

[ellseybellsey]

Jules I am so sorry to read your post and my heart goes out to you,please do not beat yourself up I did that when I lost my mum. Mum had end stage renal failure and both her and Dad lived up in Liverpool, I traveled every weekend a round trip of 520 miles working full time as a regional manager and living in Berkshire, it was a friends wedding and told mum & Dad I wouldn’t be up that Saturday.

Unfortunately for me mum passed away that Saturday and I wasn’t there, I was eaten up with guilt. I wasn’t going through anything what your trying to get through, so please give yourself some love and know that you have done everything possible. I am sending you virtual hugs.

Love Ellsey xx

[Juleswhee in reply to ellseybellsey]

I can feel the virtual hugs , it is lovely being part of this group . We all have other things to deal with outside of our shared diagnosis , it’s just so sad and I guess some days it’s easier to cope than others. I am not a natural “letter goer “ but am learning how to ....fast .xxJuliaxx

[Caroles1]

Oh love,

Please don’t feel guilty, you were coping with a lot and I’m sure your mum didn’t notice anything was different.

My mum died 8 years ago and there isn’t a day goes by I don’t feel guilt, but I have to pull myself up and tell myself I couldn’t have done anymore, others failed her.

Truth is, I lost her 2 years before she died, I missed her then and I do now.

It does get better, don’t beat yourself up, you need to take care of yourself now,

Lots of love,

Carole xxx

[Juleswhee in reply to Caroles1]

Hi Carole , It’s hard isn’t it ?. I will get through this it’s just knowing she isn’t there anymore which is silly because we haven’t had a meaningful chat in four years . I will take each day as it comes and focus on those still around me xxJulesXx

[Caroles1 in reply to Juleswhee]

It is hard Jules,

I don’t have brothers or sisters and my Dad died 6 months after her, I miss picking up the phone knowing they were just there for me, good times and bad.

I am lucky , I have good friends and a son and daughter, husband and grandkids, you will find your own way and look back and remember the good times,

Carole xxx

[dryden1]

Jules, I am so so sorry about your Mum and I have total empathy with you. My MUm died in Feb she was 91, I loved her very much. I think no matter how old the person is if they are very special to you there is still a void in your life. Like you I didn't tell her about my reoccurence and I became very good at little white lies and deception. My brother found this poem which was read at the funeral and it so sums up how I HAVE STARTED TO FEEL ABOUT HER and acknowledge she lived a good life ans she was an awesome mother who left me with some many special memories. I hope the same us true for you

You can shed tears that she is gone,

Or you can smile because she lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she Wil come back

Or you can open your eyes and see what she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you cannot see her

Or you can be full of the love that you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she us gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry close your mind, be empty and turn your back,

Or you can do what she would have wanted,

Smile,open your eyes,Love and go on.

Hope this resonates, Love Chris

[Juleswhee in reply to dryden1]

Hi Chris, Oh it does , how lovely, Thank you Jules xx

[Mptelesca]

So very sorry to hear about your mom. Thank God she is in peace now and you need not feel guilty (hard to convince otherwise) Just your mere presence I'm sure lifted her in a way we will never know. During my initial journey in 2015, my dad also took ill. He just couldn't understand why I couldn't take care of him. I, too, felt so guilty. No escaping the feeling, but, as time goes by, you always make sense of things. My dad passed in 2017 and my recurrence was in February of 2018 so I was spared more guilt. I always feel guilty about not being able to run after my grand daughter and just join in on all the family fun, but, they always understand.

Sending out hugs to you for a speedy recovery. Stay well.

XOX

Marisa

[Juleswhee in reply to Mptelesca]

Hi Marissa, Thanks , getting on with the practicalities now so no time to be guilty . I am trying to feel her peace . XxJules