Apathy

Apathy

When I had BC/chemo 7 years ago, I spent about 6 months afterwards struggling with apathy/depression, and then I won a competition to see and meet Alice Cooper - someone I was obsessed about in my youth (1972), and have followed ever since. I was ecstatic at the time, but still found it hard to come to terms with going to a concert, when I hadn't been to one for 35 years, and I was nervous and worried, right up to the minute before he came on stage. And then, my god what an eyeopener!!! I was immediately energised, entranced, ecstatic, filled with regret that I had wasted 35 years not going to gigs. Since then I have seen him 35 times, been all over Europe, and US, following him on tour whenever I can. It was, and is an unbelievably amazing journey for me, like reliving my youth, and I have met him countless times since then. Last year I went to Slovenia to see him, although I was struggling with acites at the time, and as soon as I came home, I started chemo again, this time for Ovarian cancer. Turns out I have the defective BRAC2 gene........

I've had 6 months chemo for that, and am cancer free 5 months later, but my doc keeps saying 'most people get it back' so I am struggling with my feelings of the inevitable return atm. I am feeling incredibly apathetic some times, like, what's the point in bothering? Although I struggle to maintain some semblance of normality for the family, I sometimes feel like just giving up, I am in tears while writing this.

I have 7 Alice gigs booked this year, the next one is in about a month, and I am hoping it will do the same for me this time, as it did before.

I am rambling, I know, but it helps to get these feelings down in writing,

take care, everyone

Penny xx

7 Replies

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  • Hi Penny. I can relate to the 'whats the point in bothering' feeling. When I was originally diagnosed I was told I prob had a couple of years and that it would come back and would shorten my life. After a while I managed to turn the 'whats the point of bothering' on its head and decided to make the most of the time I had left. Sod it, I wouldnt be able to do what I wanted when I wasnt here. So Ive been to the places I wanted to visit ( not all,but most) and plan to get to the rest. Have you considered counselling? Hopefully once you get to the gig you'll forget your worries, enjoy the time and start to move away from the apathy you are feeling now. Kathy xxx

  • I've had counselling before, but it doesn't really work for me. I think I'll be ok once I get out there touring again!

    And there are so many places I want to see! Just have to get the hubby organised, he is so, 'well, next year', he doesn't get that I need to do it NOW!! But I think he is getting the message....:)

  • You are a star Katmal!! You always have a positive view and, even though I don't come here that often, I always look out for your posts when I do, thank you for your inspiration xx

  • Hi, I sometimes think I comment too much lol and people must think, 'oh god not her opinions again' but if my views help just one person then I'm happy because I remember those early days after diagnosis, treatment etc and its a scary place but perhaps my story can give hope xx

  • Jealous...I love Alice Cooper xx

  • Penny you go to all your concerts, I have been told it will inevitably come back, and will have a scan shortly as my ca125 is slowly rising, however I currently sat on a train from Gatwick airport on my way back from spending a week in Berlin.

    I am starting a new job in a couple of weeks and intend to live my life to the full, the thoughts are with me sometimes but nine months NED and it is getting easier.

    Hugs Ellsey xx

  • Sorry you are feeling low. It sounds as though you'll get to those gigs if there's no evidence yet that it's coming back. It does tend to move slowly.

    And it's one of those dilemmas. Whether to book ahead and risk missing or not to book and therefore miss anyway. It sounds as though you really need to see the guy again though so make sure you get everyone to help you get there.

    I'm in Scotland now on holiday but I would have cancelled if everyone around hadn't cajoled me into coming. And I love it.

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