I wrote several months ago about a lady I met at the clinic having Keytruda. I hadn't heard from her in quite awhile so I sent her a text to enquire about how the drug was going and how she was. About a day later her husband replied with the news that she had passed a few months earlier. That news with the fact that I have just done radiation therapy and a new port inserted and a second kidney stent is enough for me to say thanks but I have had enough. I go for my checkup tomorrow and with rising CA125 levels, I really wonder if it is time to say enough. I have fought this thing for over 4 years and it isn't getting any easier. I admire all of you wonderful ladies who are fighting on but sometimes my spirit gets really down. I have done so much work on myself mediation and I have the greatest therapist, but when do we say to the doctors I can't do this anymore. I think that people in your countries are extremely lucky to have the option of assisted euthanasia. We aren't lucky enough to have that option when the times draws near. I hope I haven't offended anyone with my post but I look up to the sky sometimes and contemplate these bigger questions. Any thoughts?
Euthanasia or what? : I wrote several months ago... - My Ovacome
Euthanasia or what?
Hello....I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way but having read so much about this disease and it's horrible effects I have to say I am surprised more people don't feel the way you do. No assisted dying in the UK but our hospices do a fantastic job in supporting people at the end of life.
In the end it's your decision whether to go on with treatment...I wish you only the very best whatever you decide.
Love and hugs Lyndy xx
Hi, totally understand your feelings.The suffering and anxiety is at times much to hard to bear. Even during physically well times, the brain is working overtime with morbid thoughts.
All of us make supreme efforts to make the best of our lives, mostly I feel for our families who also carry a burden if grief.
I think every individual has the right to decide their end of life. If any quality of life has gone, U personally would have no hesitation and would be off to Switzerland.
I will soon be restarting another round of chemo, this fills me with horror as I still have nightmares about last time, will give it a go and be hopeful because that's what we do.
Sun is shining today, but not in Manchester where so many lives have been taken too soon.
Day at a time my friends, breathe in the fresh air, listen to the birdsong and enjoy life as we can
Much love to all Jackie O xx
Hi, I'm sorry to hear you are so down it is hard fighting for 4 years I've been on this journey for near 3 years and have been on treatment most of the time, This treatment that I have just started is Carbonplin and Caelyx I so hope it will give me a break. I understand how you feel some times I think the same but then still fight on, Like you I think we should have assisted euthanasia, VIC has just passed a law for euthanasia but it's not easy and you have to have lived in VIC for 12 months before hand, hopefully NSW will do the same in the near future.
I live in the Blue Mountains, Where do you live?
Please fight on and if you need to talk to a fellow Aussie post me, but as you have found out the lovely ladies on this site are also here for you. Wishing you all the best for your visit tomorrow..Lorraine 💙💙
Thanks Lorraine. I am in Queensland. I guess I always get this way before my oncology appointment. I am heart sick to hear more bad news as having to undergo a procedure last week with the stent and rising CA125 levels and pain starting across my chest I just get to the end of my tether sometimes. I promise to stop whining soon. I just need a hug sometimes. My husband doesn't always understand poor love. He has gone through a lot with me so far. Thanks for your support.
Hi, Pleas do not think of it as whining this is the one place we can turn to and know that the ladies will understand, we need to be able to let out all our fears and hopes. do not stop posting what ever you feel. My husband is the same he keeps telling me everything will be alright when, some times I need someone to tell me this is bad ,I think it's their why of handling the whole thing. Good night and keep in touch..Lorraine xx
Hi Airfemale, Thank you for sharing your thoughts regarding when to stop treatment. This is a topic dear to me. I am a pragmatist. I have thought long and hard about the end of my life. I've created a legal trust for my assets, got an updated will, bought three beautiful funeral urns so my ashes can be divided, am currently designing my family grave stone as BOTH of my beloved parents died while I was in treatment. I'm cleaning my house and organizing things, getting rid of old clothes, giving things away that will help someone else and generally tying up all the loose ends. I just planted 6 huge flower pots of bright purple, white and pink striped petunias with light blue lobelia and some kind of creeping lime green vine for my future daughter in law's bridal shower in August. So, while pondering and planning my own demise, I am also planning for future happy events!
I figure it's a miracle that I'm still NED after 9 months, but I also know that could end with my next check up. Luckily, I have very dear, close friendships that I have nurtured over the course of my life. I'm spending time with all of my friends NOW. I am spending time with my dear son and his fiancee.
I am in love with my kind, patient, beautiful husband and enjoying every moment of each day with him. While this may all sound morbid it has brought me great peace. I've even reintroduced my husband to the most interesting, fascinating woman, should he be inclined after I'm gone. I know this kind of talk is upsetting to some, but I'm a big time planner. Planning brings me comfort. So, I'm considering the worst and planning ahead so I don't leave a burden to my loved ones. I'm also having a wonderful time.
I've been present for deaths of loved ones due to cancer. I do not want to suffer. I live in a "right to die" state, so I've already talked to my physician about assisted suicide. I will be ready to go, when the time comes. Meanwhile, I'm getting on a plane in the morning to visit my entire family in New England.
You are wise to ponder your own ending. When death starts to look good because treatment has become unbearable, it's time to stop. I say all of this with the highest regard for every single caregiver, including my loved ones, who have helped me to stay on the planet.
Tesla
I take my hat off to you. I have planned my death and funeral started clearing things out but you are truly inspiring. I am no where near as organized as you. I think I have become comfortable with facing death as it is something I don't fear anymore. I want to live as much as anyone but to prolong pain and hurt is inhumane. How wise of you to become comfortable with the process. I hope that by all of us talking through the fear we can move beyond the finality of it all. It is scary and yet comforting. Thanks for your insightful response. It has helped me to see that I am just as normal as the next person. Lots of love Sharon
I've also planned my final goodbye party for friends and family at my favorite water front restaurant. I want people to celebrate life and share their favorite memories of our times together. Oh, and I'm writing my obituary too. Some people might think I'm maudlin, but I enjoy planning parties and this will just be my last party. May it be many, many years from now. T
Goodness I am truly inspired by you. Maybe I will have that party for all my friends and family while I can still raise a glass of champagne with them. X
I'm a planner too. Before my first chemo, I planned my funeral with my funeral director without my husband's knowledge until later. I didn't want my husband or kids to have to face this after I'm gone. Doctors gave me little hope at the beginning. I was 3 c but cancer was very aggressive. Here I am nearly 2 yrs later still fighting my battle. I believe we've all been appointed a time to die but I realize when we are suffering, it would be easy to lay down and die. No judgment here, just a different belief. I don't fear death cause thru my belief, I believe when I close my eyes the last time, I will open them with the Lord. I do fear the journey of suffering. I guess most people do. Hugs to you.
I guess we all can feel sorry for ourselves from time to time. It was as I feared. The doctor wants to start chemo again. If he had his way I would be there next week. I will take time to decide if this is what I want. I pray each night to my god and I am convinced that I am okay with my soul. So I will make my decision in the next few weeks. Thanks for you thoughts.
I feel exactly the same way as you. I wish we had assisted death in the UK, especially as my wonderful hubby is fighting cancer himself and I could lose him.
I believe we should be able to choose to die when we've had enough.
I wish you peace with whatever you decide to do
xxxxx
Thank you. Gee I am sorry your husband isn't well. That must place eextra pressure on you. Thanks for replying. I hope we all can find peace.
Hi I’ve only just found this page so I’m new to this but have been & continue to fight cancer, I was diagnosed with a rare form of colorectal cancer in 2011, had chemotherapy & radiotherapy, in 2015 it was back, had open surgery and full salvage APR ( abdominal perennial resection) but cancer has spread to lumber sacrum & although the chiselled what they could, I further went through cisplatin & 5FU it stabilised for a while ,but it has since spread to iliac (hip) spine, T5, T12 and more recently my lungs, ... I put on a brave face & my make up lol?? But it is so much harder to plan further treatment when you are fighting for time & not a cure... i truly empathise, I feel that I am no longer fighting for me?? But putting myself through more agony because my family & friends can’t accept me leaving if that makes sense?? , my mum insists bless her on being at my appointments , ( I’m 51!!) my oncologist is looking into getting funding for a chemo usually reserved for stage 4 breast cancer which has proven in some cases as a good palliative option... whilst I am not ready to throw the towel in just yet , my mask is harder to put on, and frankly.. I don’t know how much more I can take, for their sakes too.... I want to leave them with memories when I’m not totally a shadow)
But today is a bad day.. and I’m feeling a bit scared...tomorrow I may feel differently
So whatever you decide, try make sure it’s what you really want don’t rush,
Thinking of you & sending a virtual hug
Xxx
66dj, Thank you for replying. I wrote this originally nine months ago and when I reread this I realised how much more I had gone through since then. I have had another round of chemo and tried a trial drug since this post. My cancer has spread and it has now moved Into my liver and grown around my kidney. So if I was fed up before I am really surprised that I had a bad day and wrote this post. I am sorry your situation is so difficult. I can really relate to feeling pressured and feeling like a shadow. I think there are days when we the patient have to get real and say what we need to say. Unfortunately our love ones, friends and family don’t want to hear us. The best person I have found is my palliative care nurse and my psychologist. My mother is the same as yours not wanting to admit I am failing and saying things like she will die before me. So I just say to everyone that we have to accept and enjoy the time we have now. This whole cancer thing is unfair and brings so many things into prospective. Love and best wishes. Sharon
Hugs on your bad day. We can't always take this on the chin. We need to be honest with ourselves, if with no one else. XXOO
Thank you for your good wishes. As I was just saying to the previous person, this was a post I wrote nine months ago. I have more cancer since then and more to whine about but strangely enough my attitude is more at peace now. I always want to be honest to myself and to my loved ones. Thanks again. Sharon
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