Cauatiously optimistic, I think.

[Heatherslade]

Hi everyone. Not posted recently but as mentioned a little while ago have been for 2 weeks away in Egypt for some much needed sun and relaxation. Finished chemo beginning of January so needed a break. Had a Ct scan at Christies day before going away, more to do with diagnosis of bowel cancer two years ago and subsequent operations and chemo to treat that. It was only after cytoreductive surgery last June that OC was discovered, 3C, hence chemo again but this time for the OC. On my return good news was CT scan clear and no evidence of residual disease. CEA (bowel) and CA 125 within normal ranges. This is great news but why am I feeling depressed. I should be feeling quite upbeat at present time and just after a break away! Its as though I am waiting for the next bad news, which may not occur. I also lost my close friend of many years 4 months ago, who had same bowel cancer as myself so maybe that is contributing to my depression, I wish I knew. For two years I have kept my spirits up so its quite hard to accept this downward trend, especially when results are good at present. Love to all fellow warriors and sorry If I appear to be a whinger!

[Katmal-UK]

Hi I know what you mean it's like it's all too good to be true and you are waiting for the axe to fall.....it is difficult to explain and people who haven't been through what you have maybe won't understand why you aren't feeling happy. It does sound like you are depressed and you certainly aren't whinging, you have been through so much. Have you thought of counselling? I do hope your good spirit returns. Kathy xxx

[minard]

Hi Heather

I certainly don't think you sound like a whinger (is that how you spell it anyway??)! We all go through such a lot during treatment. Our thoughts are in a whirl around the next appointment/results etc so much that sometimes our emotions are left behind a little. It's only when we get time to ourselves, which in your case was your lovely holiday break, that we let ourselves think back, relax and take stock about the "what ifs". Personally I think it's only natural to get down a little when we consider the enormity of the changes our lives go through, without anything we can do. For so long, we are almost at the mercy of others and their direction, then suddenly we are left adrift with what's seen as Good News. This, together with the sad loss of your friend, is definitely one of the reasons that you're suddenly feeling depressed.

Allow yourself this little luxury, and as long as it doesn't overwhelm you, take it as the first step to getting back to your new normal.

Caroline x

[Mrs_Atko]

Hi Heather - well firstly great news on your latest results! And secondly, i'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your close friend. That must have been very difficult news for you, especially after your own journey. But I don't think how your feeling is in any shape of form unusual. I'm sure others would suggest the same, but have you thought about some counselling? There seems to be a few on here that have found it beneficial and can be offered through your medical team. To have already been through what you have is one thing, but it's the constant worry about the future and that is bound to play on your emotions. You wouldn't be human if it didn't. And sometimes, it is utterly exhausting always remaining upbeat and positive about everything when quite frankly, you just want to scream about how sh*t is has been! I'm sure others might offer some other pearls of wisdom, but if I were you, I might look into some counselling sessions to at least see if they helped. And of course, in the meantime, you can always have a good whinge on here Thinking of you.

Jemima xx

[Lily-Anne]

Chin up, it's so difficult to accept that things are good after being so bad. Maybe some Mindfulness or counselling would help?

Can I ask about CEA levels. For the first time this is included in my bloods, what exactly is it for, and what are the normal ranges?

LA xx

[Heatherslade in reply to Lily-Anne]

Lily-Anne, In answer to question about CEA this is measure of tumour marker for bowel. Normal range I am told is 0-3. CA125 is for OC normal range 0-35. These are used as guides only as CT scans. MRI/PET scans are used in conjunction to get a proper picture. xx

[Lily-Anne in reply to Heatherslade]

I'm wondering if they have asked for CEA as have large parastomal hernia. Will look out for numbers as usually just CA and the regulars 🤔

[chrissapam]

think you probably need something else to look forward to. Remember many people dread old age and you have every excuse to make the most of every day(!)

given more time than you expect can be such a bonus but when others die somehow it is a real bummer. So glad you enjoyed Egypt.... what have you always wanted to do?

Hope I don't sound like pollyanna but you've made it so far and obviously have more time to enjoy...counsellors can help, particularly to help you determine what you are most scared of is it bad news?... and then work out a strategy in my experience...we are all rooting for you..love xx

[January-2016-UK]

I guess the loss of a close friend from the same cancer as you had has undoubtedly contributed to your present feelings. Also, you were probably involved in a degree of planning for the holiday in Egypt, even if nothing more than trying to decide what clothes to take while it's still cold here. Now you've had the holiday, you probably have more time to dwell on things. You have had two rather severe shocks affecting your health and that, together with the consequent operations and chemo, has probably knocked your equilibrium sideways so to speak.

Mindfulness may well help you bring your spirits back up. Or a new hobby?

Hope you enjoyed your holiday in Egypt. I've always wanted to go and I hope to, one year.

All the best!

[Katsmum]

The way you are feeling is not at all unusual! I think we expect to feel elated and are very confused when we don't. It is very hard to let the guard down and relax into a period of normality as the constant knowledge that the journey may not be over is nagging away. Give yourself some time to get used to the results and I am sure that in a week or two you will begin to feel a bit more upbeat! I do hope you enjoyed Egypt, so nice to have wall to wall sunshine. Love and hugs.

Jane x☀️

[Tesla_7US]

Hi Heatherslade, Tears have different chemical composition depending upon the catalyst for the cry. Our tears are not always sadness, they do not necessarily indicate depression. Spontaneous tears from a cancer patient is appropriate. Tears of stress and grief are filled with cortisol, a powerful stress hormone. Crying helps us to rid our body of cortisol. So, having a big massive weep can actually help you to feel better.

One of chemo's side effects is emotional lability. This means we are simply not able to filter or suppress our feelings. After 34 weeks of chemo I cry simply being grateful to be alive! There is nothing that cannot make me cry. Every single emotion can evoke tears for me: joy, awe, appreciation, relief, regret, fear. So, whilst mindfulness is a generally good perspective, it cannot quell spontaneous tears at the power of life's every day happenings. I am thinking that you are absolutely exhausted from all that is occurring around you and TO you. Counseling is always a good idea. With love, Tesla

[Heatherslade in reply to Tesla_7US]

When I read all that you have been through a bigger op than my cytoreductive surgery etc I feel a bit of a wimp. Yes it is a very emotional time and you are right I think you do get exhausted with it all so probably less able to pull yourself back up to a more or less stable emotional level. I do find that it helps reading all the positive postings on this site, you have done so well after a bad diagnosis but you have obviously been lucky with your oncologist/treatment etc. Love and hugs xxx

[Tesla_7US in reply to Heatherslade]

Heather, you are right about this site. The insight of the women on this forum can be refreshingly blunt. People here are remarkably generous with their learning. They make their own experiences even MORE valuable by sharing with the rest of us. I am grateful to be here. I only wish I could meet them all in person.

[Cropcrop]

There's nothing extra I can add on top of what all the lovely ladies have already said, I just wanted to send you lots of love and big hugs ❤xx Jane

[ShropshireJo]

Hi. What a superb range of advice from the lovely ladies here. For what it's worth, I've just had some counselling through our local cancer support centre and it is really helping to refocus my mind after the emotional turmoil of second diagnosis and treatment. It is a little easier at this time of year with signs of Spring starting to appear and a lovely sunny morning. Jo 🌺🌼🌺🌼

[IrishMollyO]

Hi Heather

I am not surprised that you feel that way . You have been through so much and you are most definitely not a whinger . To have fought two types of cancer and get your good results

[IrishMollyO]

So sorry Heather. My last reply went too soon. I just wanted to continue to say it is all bound to be like an anti climax. You have been told you are fine but our minds and emotions start to act up after a few days just when everyone expects you to start smiling again. At least that was my experience . Family and friends expect you to act like it never happened as they are so relieved. I found counselling very helpful and I also joined a Cancer support group. Of course the death of your friend is the worst of all and your counsellor would deal with that too . It's not that long ago since you completed your treatment and many of us feel isolated and worried when treatment ends and all the support systems of the hospital aren't there anymore. The other lovely ladies have given you great advice si I hope that soon you will be able to relax. Take care

XXX

[thesilent1]

Your not a whinger! Your mind now has the time to process what you have been through and it is very normal to feel like you are currently feeling. I did and had to seek help. I had some counseling and my GP proscribed me with an anti anxiety tablet, low dose, but it helped. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Ann xx

[Clearcell-lady]

Dear Heatherslade,

It must be tough to lose your best friend and noone doubts the anguish and void you must be experiencing.

Having just finished your chemotherapy last January is also a reason why you're not so upbeat. I find it took me a couple of months to shake that dragging feeling of sadness and lethargy that one's left with when treatment comes to an 'end'! As all cancer survivors know, it's our turbulent thoughts that we must keep in check. This site has given me much needed courage and strength as I've read so many uplifting stories about brave women who have ridden the crest of these stormy waves and lived to tell their astounding tales!

Keep positive, keep focused and remember you are not alone.

Much love, M'Anne. X