Enough already

[honiton]

Hi you marvelous ladies,I read everyone's posts every day but every seldom write anything,but today I need to,sorry that iam asking for help instead of giving it,I finished chemo in November I have had 2 recurrence since 2014,anyway here goes mostly I Bob along doing normal every day thing's but then comes that little tap on the head which brings me back to the fact this disease is shit,I went down with a tummy bug Sunday and felt dreadful all week,i have in now been in doors alone for 5 day's,today I woke with a why me head on,in floods of tears feeling every sorry for myself,iam so fed up with the aches and pains the constipation that never goes away and the dreaded thought it may be back.does anyone else ever feel the need to go out on the rampage and hit thenext person who says you look so well after what you've been through or should I be grateful that at least they are making a comment when those who are ment to be close to you don't even ring,ie my daughter,I would never had treated my mum the way she treats me,I will leave it there I think,iam sorry I have wrote when iam down but you lovely ladies are the only people I know that I can share all this with.God bless you all yvonne xxxx

[ValB2]

Hi Yvonne,

We wouldn't be human if we didn't have days when we feel overwhelmed by all of this - hell people who ate going through this have the need for duvet days.

Yes, I get p¡¡¡%¡d off when people say how well I look or how my bald head suits me!

Allow yourself some down time...

Rest & recover.

Val x

[TrishLey]

Dear Yvonne,

These are the hardest days but you are not alone we are here for you. I'm glad you wrote, I've been feeling very similar lately. Maybe you should visit your GP and have a chat especially as you haven't been too well recently and you might be lacking minerals/vitamins  all of this effects our mood and how we cope. Sending you big gentle hugs xxx Trish 

[Katmal-UK]

Oh Yvonne I think I speak for all the ladies when I say we have all had those days where you just feel so down.. I don't think I have ever told ANYBODY but one day I felt so down, so alone, I laid on my bed, feeling rough, crying like anything on the phone to the Samaritans just to hear a friendly voice.  I daren't ring my hubby because he'd have been home from work in a flash and I daren't ring my daughter because I didn't want to worry her, soooooo there I was sobbing my heart out and to be honest I'm not even sure what triggered it, I just think I got fed up of everything, felt so rough, aches, pains, breathlessness, total fatigue. Sending you a massive hug, and hoping you feel better soon.  Kathy xxx

[honiton]

Thankyou all so every much for being my shoulder to cry on xxxx

[Hidden]

HI Horniton, I am sorry you are having a bad day.  Yes it hurts when you meet friends and they ask how you are and say you look good.  Then they dismiss it and go on about their holidays and their cars etc.   I have one person who does that constantly so told our other friends how she made me feel.   I know those friends will listen if I want them to and not be dismissive.  I am extremely lucky to have a younger cousin who is so kind to me.  My own daughter and husband and my son think I am the Duracell Bunny!!!  I felt like having a good melt down recently and just couldnt and then I had it over something stupid.  I did feel better after it though.   The constipation is horrible but try prunes in juice often works for me, also a soak in a bath with a half cup of epsom salts, that also helps me go for some reason.   Because we are tired and our bodies have been through a lot, we do feel the colds and tummy bugs more.   I hope you go to the doctor if you are still unwell.   Ruth the Ovacome Nurse is very kind also. I know they moved office and the line was changed but it should be sorted by now.   I found going to a Counsellor and speaking to someone outside the family has helped me.  I am lucky there is a good Cancer Support Service in Cork but really they should be in every Hospital.  I did ask my husband one day why he wasnt concerned about my Health and the reply I got was " well you are never in bed" which is true.  I get up and about and go out for walks or to the shopping Centre, sometimes it is nice just to be on your own and sit down without the need to chat to anyone.  Best wishes 

[honiton in reply to Hidden]

Cheers Suzuki,strangely I think we may sharing the same family my daughter's most famous gob smacking quote when I finished chemo last November was(wouldn't be nice if this time you could stay clear for longer this time because it is annoying it affects everything we ever try to arrange,it's stressful)and then if that wasn't enough she said sorry if I've up set you but it is what it is.Bless her x

[Hidden in reply to honiton]

Oh my god, I have my sons Wedding Saturday week and they are on about matching suits for both Dads.  Brides Dad has been treated for Prostate Cancer and was unwell recently but its not a recurrence, its Rheumatoid Arthritis and possible stress, I am adding the stress diagnosis myself,  Both Dads want to wear their own suits to feel comfortable in, so I said to my son during the week, the bigger picture is that both of us are alive and well enough to be there for their big day.  All they are worried about is that photographs will give out the right impression.   I think this calls for Jeans and Sketchers dont you haha????

[phia]

It is very hard Yvonne, and many of us know exactly how you feel. I am still in bed this morning, having had the tears, which are never far from the surface. Tell your daughter how you feel, or just send her a text.  Don't keep it to yourself or you'll build up resentment and that's what you don't need at the moment.

Phia xx

[Lily-Anne]

This is a great place to let off some steam, I have a stroppy teen currently living with her Dad 80 miles away and not talking to me. I have had quite a few sleepless nights trying to work out why, but my conclusion is hormones. The more I worry the worse it is for my health, it would have been nice if she had asked how I am or how chemo is going but she is too wrapped up in herself, I probably was at that age too. I have decided to just rise above it. I send her a message every week, how are you etc etc sometimes she replies, sometimes not. When my mind wanders to her I stop myself and make myself think about something different. Stress is bad for us. My son is the polar opposite.

It's a lonely place having OC, I have never watched so much TV in my life! When people tell me I look well I think they are trying not to say, wow haven't you put on weight lol. I don't mind them passing comment, I think it's an ice breaker before the how are you question.

Chin up, it's hard to be positive sometimes, but what else is there, if the negativity gets too bad the cancer has won and we don't want that.

LA xx

[honiton in reply to Lily-Anne]

O my that is so what's happening to me accept my daugther is 40 but she has been like that all her life never a care for anyone but herself I like you try to rise above but some days I would just like to slap face,and my son is a diamond.

Thanks ever so much for your reply xxxx

[Caroles1]

Hi Yvonne,

There is no rhyme or reason to how we feel, we have all been through a lot and I think we deserve a little cry occasionally, the only people who really know how we feel are the lovely ladies on this site.

We all have friends ect who think they are doing their bit by saying how well we look ,I can't be doing with people who give you outpourings of grief and say they will be in touch and you never hear from them.At a support group I went to I was told to get rid of the dead wood and so I have.I have a so called friend who has been experiencing panic attacks so she feels she can't contact me as my problems are so big, I have the feeling her panic attacks are down to me!

My daughter hasn't been very supportive or sympathetic, I think she deals with my situation by ignoring it,we are quite close, but it is the Elephant in the room and I also feel I bore all around me by just mentioning the C word,because they think Ishould be over it by now.

The reality is, we will never be completely over it, there isn't one lady on this site that wI'll tell you they never think of it 

[honiton in reply to Caroles1]

That's so true xx

[Caroles1]

Posted before I finished!

Just wanted to say, all you feel is normal and we are allowed our meltdowns, I think I have become very difficult to live with, but if I think I am too much I take myself off for a nap,or to spend time on my own.

If you feel it's more you can cope with, post here or find a support group or counselling,but I bet after your rant your mood will improve and you will be on your onwards and upwards mode,

Ido wish you all the best,

Carole xx

[doodoolatrice]

Oh Yvonne, Bless you, I'm feeling like that myself as well today.  I had my three monthly checkup last week and my Ca125 had risen by three points which I know is such a small number and whilst I've tried not to dwell on it its had knocked me back.  It isn't helped by the fact that hubby is considering changing jobs and I know he's worried about making a wrong decision..  Monday night I had to really come down on our 12  year old as he was behaving like a spoiled brat and last night I had a massive row with our 17 year old.  He was rude to me and I totally overreacted because I was half way down a bottle of wine (my midweek treat) after a busy tiring day at work and I really shouted at him and I'm ashamed to say I nearly hit him.  I'm not proud of it and I've apologised to him repeatedly but he still won't speak to me today and I can't say I blame him.  I'm very tired today, I'm fed up with worrying and like you I've hit a real low.  I just want to have a good cry but I can't as said 17 year old is here and doing a really good job of making me feel like the worst mum ever.  I've found having this disease a very lonely experience which sounds strange because I'm surrounded with so many wonderful family and friends but this is because I never tell anyone how worried I really feel some days.  I understand exactly how you're feeling so I just want to send you a cyber hug.  I hope you're feeling better soon, Kerry xx

[honiton in reply to doodoolatrice]

Hugs and love right at you Thankyou xxx

[Jackie0]

Just read your post and the replies. Makes me feel sad that alot you are treated badly by family and people who should know better.

Thing is, most of them are scared, and they don't know how to handle cancer. Despite all the progress etc it is still a taboo subject that most people don't or won't recognise. Maybe they are scared its round the corner for them, Or maybe they don't want their day spoiling.

Most of the women on this great forum are the backbone of their families, and still keep soldiering on regardless. I remember crawling downstairs to cook dinner during one of my worst chemo times. Thing is? It's what we do and alwayshave, not to say though that we musnt make plenty of time for ourselves! 

I don't tell people that I have cancer, only my closest relatives, as I don't want the patronising looks and platitutudes and being told how great I look!! Takes a lot of effort to keep going!! But that's what we do!!

Waffling stopped now

Much love toall my lovely sisters and kindred spirits on this forum

Jackie O xxx

[Beth25]

I was at my oncologist yesterday and she remarked on how well I was looking. Then she told me that my CA125 had jumped 200 points and my white cell count hadn't wasn't in great shape. But I look ok, so that's fine. Words fail me. 

Beth x

[ellseybellsey]

Hi Yvonne,

I only start my chemo on Monday, but get what you are sayingI was in agony last week with fluid and sever constipation and a work colleague said you look great today you wouldn't think you have cancer, I could not even answer her and had to walk away.

I am very lucky although my only daughter lives in Scotland and has a five month old baby she calls every night to see how I am, however I left my son a voicemail two weeks ago to tell him I had my oncologist appointment and have still not heard from him.

You need to think about yourself and you have every right to cry I wish I could be there to give you a cuddle, but I also know that I have gained so much strength from all the wonderful ladies on this site and it has helped me so much these past couple of weeks. Keep posting Pat xx

[Emalou71]

Hey 

Its okay to rant and get it out there, I think people think they are saying the right thing but have no concept of how wrong they actually are and yet I find myself smiling and saying thanks whilst in my head I'm like ahhhhh!! I wonder if your daughter knows how yourfeeling not sure but might be good to give her a call and have a chat let her know how you feel, it could be she's struggling to? 

I have off days I'm currently on watch and wait with scans every 8 weeks and the fear every now and then really grips me and almost takes my breathe away & like you I do think why me 😢? I hope you have a better day tomorrow big hugs to you xxxxx

[thesilent1]

Hi, I just wanted to say hang on in there. We all have our down days and days when we just want to thrott!e someone, we wouldn't be human if we didn't.  You've had some lovely replies.  We understand so don't worry.  Sending you a virtual hug. Ann xo

[honiton]

Thankyou everyone,I don't think it's helped that I have hospital on Tuesday when I finished my chemo in november there was still some left on the bowel which my onc doesn't same to be to worried about just watch and wait,in the end yesterday I rang a friend and burdened her with it all bless her,she said she had a temporary cure so we are meeting today to drink wine.Hugs,love and kisses to you all,ps I very seldom drink so quiet looking forward to a self inflicted headache lol xxxx

[Meatsy]

So get it. I have had a reccurence and am getting towards the end of this bout of Chemo, I find a quote from Elizabeth Taylor helps me, I just put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking. There are days when even that is too much but there will be more good days to come xx

[honiton in reply to Meatsy]

X

[rjhs]

Oh My, this certainly strikes a chord with so many of us ladies.  We can 'big' ourselves up for the important days, the appointments, chemo, scans etc and deal with it but it is the constant drip drip of no energy, worry over every niggle, constipation - our new 'normal' which can really get us down.  It also becomes normal for our families and friends etc so they really do take us at face value when we say we are fine because we don't want to become a health bore.  It doesn't make us saints though, my husband has recently been quite ill with the nasty cough virus that has been doing the rounds and I am ashamed to say I was not particularly sympathetic towards the 'fuss' he was making and heard myself saying, 'at least it is not going to kill you!'  Totally unfair as he is supportive, I just did not have the energy to deal with it. 

It seems to be nature of cancer treatment that while it gives us extra time we feel guilty if we are not using it productively and for women that is constantly struggling to keep things as they were and blaming ourselves when we fall short or seem to be wasting it by feeling we cannot cope.

Rita  

[honiton]

I so agree x

[LesleyGreengran]

Sorry to hear you've been feeling so low, Yvonne, and hope your friend has cheered you up. I find it hard to ask for help as I was quite independent before all this happened. Indo have a partner but she's at work all day and I find friends so important. I lost some friends when I got ill but have made others during my remissions who keep me cheerful through chemo though I don't see them on my worst days. We all have down days and it seems so unfair when we get other bugs as well.

At least we have each other !

[IrishMollyO]

Hi Honiton

You could have written that for me apart from a few details. I have spent 2 days crying mostly with frustration at the lack of empathy from a team who seem to see no urgency in my situation. Long story which I won't bore you with. You have said it all . The stress of constant constipation. The people who mean well and tell you how great you look while they are ignoring the very large elephant in the room with you. Speaking of elephants I have the added frustration of gaining 2 stone when I swear I am not stuffing my face with cream buns ! I do go to a support centre when I can and write a journal which gets rid of my anger. I try to excuse friends and family not contacting as I think they may be afraid to upset me. Your daughter may not know what to say that won't upset you. I think a book should be written by one of us telling friends and family what to say and what not to say ! Hope you feel better having got it off your chest

XXX

[Eleni]

hi honiton. I've just had cycle 4 of 6 for this recurrence and know exactly how you feel.......as does everyone else who's replied. My tears are never far from the surface and I feel so much anger at this disease coming for me again! No matter how much of a supportive network one has, cancer is still the loneliest place to be and this is a good place to share everything with. I find that when I feel miserable or want to scream (!) it's best to just go for it; get it out of my system and then try and have some sort of treat; chocolate, a walk, anything to lift my spirits back up again. Try and be kind to yourself and know that the ladies on this forum understand. Wishing you strength....x

[honiton]

Thankyou x