I had forgot

Started chemo Wednesday for my 1st recurrence,I had so forgot how bad it makes you feel,it's Sunday now and I feel sick,I am aching all over and just to top it off I can't stop crying its like someone's turned on a tap.I hate this f**king cancer,and I also might punch the next family member who tells it's a small price to pay if it cures me.anyway sorry to burden you ladies with this but you are the only people I know who understand,bless you all love yvonne xxx

39 Replies

  • U will feel better tomorrow , when I look at stroke victims or mental health issues I think , to hell with that , day by day step by step , take care xx

  • Hi Yvonne,

    I know just how you feel I will have number 4 in week half second line. I feel my summer has been stolen from me as I sit indoors keep out of the sun be good. Your not alone it horrid and I hate it too. Hope u pick up soon xx

  • Hi Peanut2,

    You can still sit in the sun as long as you avoid 11 - 3, wear a wide-brimmed hat and wear factor 30 or more. It will do you good.

    S x

  • Hi. Lol I do go outside but have been told not to sit in the sun . Yes I kow the sun is good for you . Thanks for the advice x

  • Hi Yvonne

    That's exactly how I felt when I started chemo for my recurrence, you almost lose the will to live, but you are in the middle of the roughest week right now so it will definitely get better, and when you come to have the second round you will be more mentally prepared for it. Just think, that's one down, and one step nearer to being back in remission and getting your life back. I read on here that the steroids cause depression, so this might be the drugs making you feel depressed on top of the physical side effects. Hope you feel better soon, sending you a massive virtual hug and know how you feel! xxx

  • Hi Yvonne, I get exactly the same about three days after chemo. I become very negative, depressed and irritable, everyone gets on my nerves and I cry at the drop of a hat. Even though I know the feelings will pass it doesn't feel like it at the time. Virtual hugs and I hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you, Kerry xx

  • HI Yvonne, I think really when the yucky feeling hits you after a few days, you just want to cry because you cant do what you want to do. You feel your freedom is gone and you are too ill to get out, its cabin fever. If I come out of it during the day, I would get someone to take me out where there is people just for a cuppa, it actually helps. Just a tip, I am just on Avastin at the moment and it does knock you are times but not as bad as chemo does. Look you have got your first one done and five more to go and keep on a countdown as the weeks go along. It is normal to feel upset, and angry. I would also kill some one who would tell me well the treatment is doing its work and I should be thankful. People probably dont know what to say to us really, It is a hard road no doubt about that but you will have good days and do something nice on the good days.

  • Thankyou girl's iam so glad your here to chat,although I would rather none of us had it xxxx

  • Oh don't feel you have to listen to any $£"$ such as 'it's a small price to pay' or even .."you coped so well before you will manage again this time"..... I have cried and cursed when I am sick following chemo, and then when the sickness passes I begin to feel normal : if there is such a thing as normal .

    So just wanted to send you love & hugs and warm wishes.

    lots of your friends are here to listen (virtually anyway) - so any time you feel down or fed-up - let us all a post and love will wing its way to you.

    Love, Daisies xxxx

  • Hi Hon. I remember how easy it is to forget how crap the chemo makes you feel, the sickness, the aches , the tears. stay strong, its sh**e but you got through it before and you can again. bet you feel like smacking me for saying that lol. Day at a time, days become weeks and eventually you'll feel stronger and better xx Big big virtual hug xx Kathy

  • Dear Yvonne,

    I too know how all that feels! My oncologist suggested that if paracetamol didn't help the aches then she could prescribe stronger pain killers - so don't suffer unnecessarily!! Also, I used to feel very depressed once I stopped taking the steroids and again my oncologist tapered the dose so that I did not have a dramatic fall - that helped too!! Sending you best wishes and lots of support xxxxx

  • Hi Yvonne sending virtual hugs and I can imagine how you feel when family and friends say it's a small price to pay especially when it's not them having to pay it

    Like the other ladies have said try to take a day at a time and look upon it as one down out the way x closer to being over with and back in remission x

  • I have days when i feel like crying all day and sometimes i do, then days when the positivity shines through. So hard to explain to anyone who is not going through the process, or has been. I have only really just started on this journey, I will fight every step of the way, but can't promise that there wont be many bad days along the way. Don't know what I would do with out the support and encouragement of health unblocked. Keep strong xxx

  • Hi Yvonne

    I do understand as i'm on my 6th lot of chemo in 11 years and every time I think that I'll never have any more but somehow while I still can I decide to go ahead. Its shit I know and the 3rd and 4th day after is usually the day I feel like you sounded in your post. I too feel like punching people who say things like, well I it always seems to work and you must be used to it by now and you can't just give up! The worst is chin up which really winds me up. Unfortunately until you've had it I don't think anyone can understand how awful chemo is. Fingers crossed this week will be better for us both. I had mine last Monday

    Love and hugs Francesca x

  • Hi Yvonne

    Can only imagine how hard it is facing into chemo again and dealing with all the mental issues as well as the physical ones . Think it's impossible for family members to support us fully as they can't possibly understand hiw difficult it all is not having ever experienced anything like this themselves . Take heart in that they mean well and want to support you . Is there a professional ie cancer nurse /counsellor you can access . I have decided to explore that route. Have been put off up to now as support nurse that works with my onc is useless ...or worse than that seems totally uninterested/uncaring . Must be lots of other people that can help ..just need to find them. Like many of the ladies who post here you are so strong..you just need to access that inner strength sgain and you will get through this and come out the other side feeling like yourself.

    Fingers crossed next round is easier on you in every way

    Take care


  • Oh Yvonne, youyr post takes me back to when I was going through first line chemo, I was grand day of chemo and the next one and a half days and then bang, the pains started, paracetamol did nothing for them, I'd have been better tazki g smarties lol. Really strong pain killers irritate my stomach and I just wanted to curl up and die it was so awful. As the other ladies have said I don't think those around us know what to say and they really have no idea what those side effects feel like.

    Maybe we should all get together and write a book "What not to say to a Chemo patient" lol.

    You could ask your oncologist for additional anti-sickness meds rather than just a couple of days worth. If I remember correctly I didn't start to feel better until about the Tuesday afternoon when I'd had chemo in a Wednesday. Some good DVDs to watch and curl up on the sofa with a soft throw, don't feel you have to cook dinner, let people look after you until you get through the rough patch. Sending you a big hug. Ann xo

  • I like that idea of a book, "What not to say to a Chemo patient" it should be published and given to all family members and friends and neighbours

  • Hi Yvonne, I can't add much to all the great advice but wanted to show my support. Day 3 and 4 were my worst days. I had these as ' indulge days' to merely exist and do nothing except read magazines (couldn't concentrate on books ) and sleep on and off all day. Keep going, it will pass sooner than you think. Sandra x

  • I am so sorry you are having to start this all again. Hope you don't mind me asking but how was your reoccurrence diagnosed and how long before you started chemo. I finished avastin in June n CA125 starting to rise already. Next check up in sept. I try not to let it worry me but it is in your head all the time and night times are the worst- I lie awake thinking about it and then can't sleep! But a friend of mine was diagnosed with reoccurrence in March but still not starting her chemo yet! It so messed with my head. We put on a brave face most of the time - but it's not how we feel inside - and like you say - people then say the most useless things out of well meaning but it actually becomes irritating when you feel like this. Virtual hugs to you that you are having to go through this all again ... If only there was an easier way xx

  • Hi,in short,I woke up 1 morning at the at the end of May feeling rotten pains in pelvic area and under left rib.with 2 week's my hair,nails and general health got worse,so I went to my gp god love him he's the best,he sent me to have my bloods done and gave me a full examination,2 week's later exactly a year to the day of finishing my first lot of chemo it was back,CA125 had risen gone from 19 to 180.

    Had a scan then went to see onc,to my shock and horror it was on my bowel,spleen,pelvis and liver.

    And with 2 weeks back on chemo,I don't know if everyone will agree with me but it's a different kind of ill that you feel,something inside you knows.

    Now on a weirder note I have a border collie who the first time round and this time did not leave me alone apparently he can smell it(bless him his names Ron and I kiss him every day)

    Hope this has helped love yvonne xxx

  • Thankyou for sharing that with me. I hope all goes well for you. It's a cruel cruel disease xxx

  • Chemo really does suck.i only had a two and a half month break.now on weekly chemo many a time I say I'm going to pack this in who wants to feel like this.but I don't you pick yourself up and you carry on..you forget the bad few days till the next time but even when you feel youl never get through the next lot you do because you want to feel well again and pick up your life and enjoy things and you know youl do it and come out the other end because we are fighters and we don't give up.hope today is a better day and the sun is shining.

  • Just maybe see it as one of life's rogues. It will not go away but you have much in life on which to focus and actively enjoy!! Keep up a good mental spirit. Hopefully that is working for me, I am fortunately or unfortunately not on any medication because the stabiliser drug has bad side effects for me and there is no other available for licence in the UK. Fortunately I am well and I just hope this will see me through. Try not to get down and try to make choices about your treatment. It should make your life more tolerable.


  • Hi Yvonne I too felt just like you second round of chemo. I have just finished 3rd round and somehow I wasnt so bad physical side effects not good, but psychologically better. I think reading from this forum you become a stronger person and I take a lot of tips and reassurance from the others on here. I have had very little remission time between chemos but reading Franchesca`s response to you and then trying to help you has also helped me. My cancer is back in lung and abdomen but I am wait and see this time. You will feel better again but when you dont and you want to be angry and fed up thats very real too, if you dont acknowlege the bad days how can you appreciate the good days. Lots of love Bridie xxx

  • Hi Yvonne

    Sorry to hear you are feeling so ill and miserable. I wish I could take it away from you and all the other wonderful women on here. I am replying to you from the DTU where I am about to have my first cycle of Carbo/caylex for my first recurrence, not that I have ever been completely cancer free, but it began growing rapidly in the last two months. I wish you luck with your treatment and hope that the side effects wear off quickly. Jo xxx

  • Hi Yvonne,so sorry to read you've had recurrence.I laughed with your discription of your cancer as I have said those words numerous times.Im awaiting app for 2nd line chemo and then on to parp inhibator.My family and friends have also said "a small price to pay"I think it's more the psychological aspect of this disease that's the hardest to cope with.Positive Mental Attitude may seem an easy thing to do but it's very difficult.You know you will feel better from the drugs in a few days time.Then give the cancer a two finger salute and get up,have a shower with nice scented shower gel,put on your make up,an outfit that makes you feel and look good.Get a relative or friend to take you out ,even if it's just a sparkling water,a walk on the beach or sitting in the park watching the world go by.Hugs to you.xx

  • HI Annie, I am sorry you are obviously starting on round two soon. What are the Parp Inhibitors? I didnt realise they were available here, that is interesting. I am here on the forum biding the time for my apt with the prof in an hour. Lucky for me I live about 20mins away by car depending on traffic. I will prob have a scan in a few months or less and could also be back on the band wagon. I asked my hubby last week why was he not taking my illness seriously, he replied and by god I am waiting for a while for a reply. What he said was, well you have never taken to the bed so in his mind I wasnt ill? Men and their logic.

  • Hi Suzuki,Firstly I hope you got on well today.The parp inhibator is a new drug to be used in advanced o.c with BRCA 1/2 positive.You have to be on 2nd or third line chemo to get it.I think I will be the 4th woman he has put on this.Raging it has entered the bowel and as he said due to Avastin the reading from scans all along wouldn't have picked up much as the Avastin upsets the blood supply.

    I know,men think ,we get out of bed,do some shopping,cook the dinner so,I Cook,Therefore I Am! Lol

  • Had a strange day, part of the South closed due to leak somewhere or other so clinic moved to oncology unit. I got the Registrar and she is a tough no nonsense lady. But I didnt back down and she had to go to speak to the boss. So she wanted me off Avastin as from now, I said I wasnt happy as I didnt want a relapse. I also said I didnt want colonoscopy. She said I had to have it. So she went off to speak to the prof, and came back nicer. I have to do the scope and he who must be obeyed is keeping me on Avastin until my two years are up. Lady who I meet on treatment was told the same as she had clinic today as well. Two years is the limit as they can put you back on it if needs be after your body recovers. So my scope had been cancelled as list duplicated and it was left in the air until I my apt today. so I must ring tomorrow to say I can have scope without biopsy only.

  • A relief to stay on the Avastin,especially as it's working so well for you.I think I too will be going for colonoscopy but won't know for a few weeks.The oncology unit must have been packed today.I think I know which doctor your talking about and yes she is a tough cookie and I'm so glad we have the prof on our side .

  • Hi, just catching up with the posts and was delighted when I read how you handled a tough doctor. We should never be fobbed off....it was not our brains that were treated.

    I know the reasoning about 2 years, and knew about the PARP inhibitor and of course I did not fit the diagnosis.

    So AnnieH - i hope all goes well with drug.

    Just got a burst of energy for a while and that is now wilting: so off to throw myself on a chair to relax.

    Love to all.


  • Get outside for 15 minutes. It helped me. Also drink lots and lots of ice water. I drank Fanta orange in the glass bottle too. My fellow patients liked it also. No nausea meds worked for me. Your doctors can give you meds for the mood swings and depression. Ask. I had to go on morphine tincture for non stop diarrhea. When I started screaming for a happy meal (kids meal) at McDonalds, my husband got me the happy meal and backed the dose down. Lol. You will get through this. Don't hesitate to ask for help. This is about YOU.

    {{{{{big hug}}}}}.

  • Hi Yvonne,

    I'm sending prayers and love and hugs to you. One day at a time.

    Thinking of you...


  • Hi Yvonne

    I feel for you. I had also forgotten how bad we can all get. I am on my 5th line of the horrid stuff and have felt so ill .It takes a week before I feel better.

    I have asked friends not to call me because I do not have the strength to speak to them

    but the phone never stops ringing! people do just not get it........next time the phone with be off the hook! I do hope you feel better soon best wishes Georgiex

  • So sorry you are finding your reoccurrence so difficult. Hopefully you are starting to feel a bit better today. I finished treatment for my first reoccurrence in April and was ok for the first couple of days then had 2/3 days feeling rough. We're all different but one thing we can agree on is the when the tears come and don't want to stop! You need to let go and get it out of your system (as they say!). Try not to punch anyone, family and friends don't know what to say and usually end up saying the wrong thing - but they do care.

    Really hope you are feeling better and get to feel 'normal' in between treatments.


    Annette xxx

  • I have a client at the moment who is having chemo after a double mastectomy. She is up and down, it reminded me how I felt. It's not just the chemo it's the journey that brings you down, the worry and the hope.

    Look after yourself. It's hard on the outside looking in and trying to understand, you have to have walked the same road to know.

    LA xx

  • Hi Yvonne. Just read your post and I want to add .to the group hug. People don't mean to be tactless but you do get angry when someone says " I could get run over by a bus in the morning " or " ah . Sure none of us knows ! " the good thing is that every single woman who posted here can totally feel,your pain and is rooting for you. The other thing is that for many women they don't lose weight and just because you take the trouble to put some make up on you can be told you look great when you feel really rotten. I expected to be sent for a scan last week but instead I was told I was being discharged by Oncology and will just see my gynae every 6 months. I am not sure if there is anyone else out there with stage 3 PPC who went over 4 years without recurrence but I have serious doubts. Now everyone thinks because the word " discharged " was used that I have had a miraculous cure.

    Yvonne . I am sorry I came on here to comfort you but somehow turned it around to me. I am now like those people who when someone wants to talk about this rotten disease , starts to tell you about their hip replacement. That doesn't happen on this forum. Someone suggested a psychologist who deals specifically with cancer patients. I would not have got by without mine. You may have one already but if you don't maybe you could consider it.

    I do hope as your treatment progresses and your system adjusts that you will feel better and know that the chemo is wiping out those horrible Cancer cells. It did before and it will again.


  • Thankyou,and I had forgot about the bus,that's just made me laugh,the worse 1 that has been said to me is(cancer I know it's not good but more people died of heart disease)didn't make me feel any better lol xxx

  • Hi Yvonne

    There is no doubt that chemo sucks!!!! I am on 9 rounds of Taxol/Carbo after having debulking surgery. I had 9 rounds before the surgery. I am finding it much more difficult this time as well, and just another reminder that I have this dreadful disease. I find that I cry so, so easily and sometimes for no reason at all. I just start crying. That is what is so wonderful about this site. You get to talk with others who truly understand what you are going through, and want to support you, and you don't feel so alone. I hope it gets easier for you as time goes on. Week one can be so difficult. One day at a time....I find this works for me. Big hugs to you Kim xo

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