Anxious

Hi ladies... I feel so bad putting this post up when there are so many of you going through what you are.. But I don't know what else to do. I am currently waiting on a scan after waiting for 4 weeks on my CA 125 results coming back. It came back as being elevated and Dr has put me forward for an ultrasound... The appointment has come through for 3 weeks from now and I am currently finding myself in quite a dark place. I feel so alone.... Everybody keeps telling me to think positive but I'm really struggling... I can only focus on the what ifs at the moment. After I finally got my bt results I felt so positive but I don't honestly know what has happened to me in the last couple of days.. I can't concentrate on anything other than what I might have.. I honestly don't know how all you lovely ladies cope with what you do.. And I will feel so stupid if I'm making a huge fuss over nothing...but it just seems so real for me at the moment....

[lorraine71-Australia]

Hi, Don't feel bad about posting this is why we are here I'm sure most ladies on here have felt the same, I know at times I'm still in a dark place and all I can think of is how long can I continue, this is my 6th treatment in 4 years, people say how brave I am but it's not about being brave it just keep trying.

I think you have had to waite the first time fore your125 and now waiting again for your scan it's never easy , I said to you before as soon as you have the results and have a plain in place if needed you will feel better,

It would be good if you are making a fuss over nothing.. take care Lorraine xx

[Hidden in reply to lorraine71-Australia]

Thank you Lorraine - like you say it's the waiting that's the worst. I've decided I'm not going to wait 3weeks... I have health insurance so have started the process to go private.. So just waiting on hospital phoning with an appointment.. That should speed things up! I cant imagine how things are for you... You do sound very brave btw... I know what you are saying though... It's just something that you've got to do. I wish you all the very best and thank you so much for your kind words xx

[lesleysage]

Hi Suziem,

To me, you sound really normal and healthy; I'm sure everyone on this site would say the same. If it helps, try not to feel 'ashamed' but notice, with amazement, at the sheer power of anxiety and fear to slip into any minute of any enjoyable day which you thought was steady. When I started observing how 'devious and clever' these emotions are, I watched at how it could devastate me and then, strangely, because I 'acknowledged' it, somehow it gradually faded for that few hours and left space for me to notice all the joyful bits in days too. It's not easy, but I've found it worth practicing. My latest CA125 was last week - after 7 years of them all the fears and anxieties popped up again. Thankfully, it came back as stable but I now never believe I'm immune to the fear and anxiety.

Please be kind to yourself, don't be annoyed with yourself.....in my book you are simply wonderfully human!

Warm wishes for a good day. Lesley

[Bonnie11]

Hi , The waiting is horrendous and cruel. Having to wait 4 weeks for a ca125 result is disgraceful. You need to be very proactive in your care and follow up all test results. In the Beacon I had my ca125 done in the morning and was phoned with the result in the pm. (it cost me but it was worth it). While on Chemo I was given Ativan for nausea but it had the added bonus of relieving anxiety, it would be worth seeing you GP for short term antianxiety med while waiting. Good luck

[MarieRB]

Hi - yes the unfortunate necessity of waiting is a real bugger, and allows the imagination to work overtime! I'm currently going through a second session of chemo, having been clear for about five years. It's much harder. But the hardest bits of all are the 'waiting' to have the CT scan, and then the 'waiting' to meet with the specialist two weeks later. And then the worry comes. It's an effort to practise what in my line of work we call 'the sacrament of the present moment', but actually that is all we really have. Worrying about the future actually robs one of the present. I found giving that myself a severe talking to now and then helped - 'There are things to be done TODAY, and things to be enjoyed and appreciated TODAY - put the worry on the back burner until tomorrow (repeat this prescription tomorrow!). It's about pushing/shoving/squeezing the worry into its proper place and keeping it there. If, like me, you're a reader, then make sure when you wake at odd times in the middle of the night that instead of lying there and fretting (in my case, composing my funeral service!!! - It's my line of work, as I said!), picking up a book and reading, making a cup of tea. Stress also contributes to breaking up routine, and certainly during treatments and waiting periods, if you can relax into an odder schedule to get you through, then that's good. Being heroic and wonderful is not part of the package! Use all the distraction techniques you can think of and you'll find one that works best for you. One of my big mantras at the beginning of all this (back in 2011) was "I may have a serious life-threatening cancer, but it's not going to rob me of my life (that is, my living from day to day).

And this forum (which I only joined about four days ago) is proving to me to be so worthwhile. We can share things that perhaps we wouldn't wish to share with family to spare them further anxiety. It's only folk who have been/are on that strange and difficult journey of cancer treatments who really really understand. Many blessings, Marie

[Coldethyl]

Beautifully put Marie. I am currently in midst of tests for possible recurrence as CA125 went up slightly- there seems no sense of urgency on their part yet I am like the proverbial headless chicken, running round in my mind all the worst case scenarios. I had a scan and obviously the lovely registrar had ticked all the red alert boxes after my meltdown in her office so thankfully the CNS called after the MDT to say that was clear. That alleviated my worries for all of five minutes then I was back on the what if super highway worrying about my follow up blood tests and meeting my rather cold fish oncologist. All I can suggest is filling days as much as possible with nice things- a walk out in sunshine, some new lipstick if that's your thing - anything to try and be kind to yourself. I do a lot of mindfulness meditation via a free app called Insight - lot of short ones that just help to refocus mind on the here and now. As Marie says, the danger is losing our lives in trying to guess whether we will have some theoretical time in the distant future. I know we all thought we would have forever but that was never a guarantee even if it seemed to be so. Wishing you a more peaceful time until your appointments x

[Nancy222]

Hello,

This IS all very real and can be so very overwhelming. Don't hesitate to post here. That's why we're here.

You've been given some very good advice which helps the entire community.

I can't add to what the wise ladies have written, but I will tell you that meditation has helped me tremendously. It relaxes my mind and gives me a break from my concerns.

Best wishes and keep us posted. We can go through this together.

XXOO

[Hidden]

Thank you so much ladies for your replies.... Has helped so much having you guys to calm the anxieties. Decided to go private in the end so I now have my scan today... Will keep you all posted xxx

[Jomorphey]

Hi there! Have you had your scan results yet? Xx