Hi all !
Not posted for a while , I’ve been sooo low and suffered from stress myself recently. Even though everyone said how unbelievably hard this all is and how “ not to expect anything as near to “normal “, for at least 12-18 months , you never really comprehend what they mean .....but OMG , I naively thought that pre -op Chemo and the Ivor Lewis itself , was the hard part! but no one can ever , ever prepare you or tell you what to really expect afterwards.
I never thought I could feel as heartbroken and helpless as I have these last few months. Tony looked just the same, in fact he tolerated the first Chemo and surgery amazingly....but now , I long for the man I once had and I’m dreadfully sad to see him go through how he is now. He’s tiny , like everyone I know ...but 12stone 2 down to 9st 8 is awful. He is about to have his 5th “ stretch” since Sept ! because the stricture constantly shrinks ! Last time back to 1mm ! If he’s not bringing up bile and food that’s stuck then it’s the damn “dumping syndrome “ !!!!
And now just to add to it during his last admission he has “dropped foot” , when WILL it ever end ?????!!! I never thought it would be this bad , and all the time he thankfully stays positive while I try my hardest to keep smiling and not feel resentful of other couples out doing “normal “things like eating and drinking and having a good time ....especially this time of year . I feel awful for feeling like that ...but I can’t help it . It’s almost like grieving but then I feel guilty and stupid for complaining when it could be even worse !!