Struggling with my partner.

[Milk0]

Hi, my name is Sean. I had to have a gastric bypass 4 weeks ago because my acid reflux was so high. I own 3 pubs and between myself and my girlfriend (9 years now) we have 6 children (5 living with us) I found myself back to work in the pubs straight away doing basic stuff but a lot of driving around and repairs. I am 44 and have drank my whole life. 2-8 pints a day plus whisky. Amazingly That isn't a problem. I am a trained chef and Kirsty struggles cooking. So Within a week I was back cooking for her and 5 kids. That isn't a problem. It's my mental state. I'm struggling with there food mess or when they moan if I want to do something quick like hot dogs. They all have to be told to clean up plates / food mess. They are all in a habit of leaving the mess of putting there plates to one side. This makes me feel sad and sick. Also I was the one who went out for meals / drinks with Kirsty. She has be out for 3 meals with different people in the first 4 weeks after my op. I'm finding this depressing. I got an infection after a week in my main wound. It took 2 courses of antibiotics for 2 weeks to get rid of it. 2 week after my op We fell out and Kirsty suggested I move out. The flat above my other pub is freezing but I spent a week there alone and happy. I move back home after a week. I don't feel like the support is there for me. Most of the kids are fantastic. Kirstys12-13 year old has always been a pain (mainly at meal times) but now when I see her eating chocolate waffles for breakfast or 2 thick slices of freshly cut bread smothered in jam and licking/ nibbling/ messing with her food it drives me up the wall. Kirsty tried cooking sausage and chips for the pool team. It took her 6 hours and the upstairs flat and pub stank of burn fat for 2 days. I felt so sick. This was 1 week after surgery. I have made 2 Curry's for them since. I'm struggling to eat soups and protein shakes. I recently started bringing up phlegm. Pints of the stuff. I have gone from 17st 10 to 15st 5 in 4 weeks. I am into my 5th week. I can see a future. But it's far away. Am I being selfish expecting my family to clean up food mess. Why do I feel so depressed when Kirsty goes out for a meal. I get told all the time "we need to eat". I know they do. I'm happy cooking for them. It's just the mess and the way it's done. I feel alone.

[patchworker]

Sean,

Sometimes families don't understand how we feel unless we tell them. Perhaps you should talk quietly to them, or maybe let them read your post.

I hope things work out for you.

[Milk0 in reply to patchworker]

Thank you

[chris_usa]

Sean,

I think that sometimes the issues with food and eating are just a stand-in for the deeper problems with relationships. It seems to me that in your case that there are many problems in your relationships that the surgery has brought out into the open.

You say that the alcohol isn't a problem, but I would be careful before just writing it off. Alcohol damages the body and it damages the soul. It has likely worsened your reflux, and the second-hand smoke in a bar has made it that much worse.

I think based on what you wrote that after the surgery you need to focus on the positives, and only keep those around you that are positive as well.

Those around you may not understand your problems with food, but I think that those issues are a symptom of a larger, deeper disease within your relationships.

Please forgive my candor, but I think that you are a person who likes to hear it straight without any sugar-coating.

[sportsman in reply to chris_usa]

What you have done is amazing but clearly not appreciated. An adult who cares for you cannot fail to have understood what you have been through. It is harder for children who I am assuming are fairly young. Draw your own conclusions but I know what mine would be.

[Hidden]

I do think that this surgery will probably affect the way you regard food and eating, and it is a big thing to come to terms with it all. It is probably difficult to understand how you feel yourself so it is not surprising that the others in the family struggle with understanding it.

I think you should ask the specialist nurse back at the hospital about the phlegm because it will probably need a bit of medication to help with that side of things.

[Milk0 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks.