Hi Guys,I rarely post anything but I do read many posts on this site. I was diagnosed 2 years ago with OC and had transhiatial op in athens (I live in Crete) The Op was Successful and I had no fever or other complications. I had 5 months of chemo when I returned to the Island and stayed in hospital 3 days per week as I was on a heavy dose and needed to have over 40 hours out of a period of the 3 days,that over, I had 4 moths of radiotherapy,same senario stayed in hospital as I needed this every day.
I haven't had any treatment now for the last 8 months apart from tablets (omeprozole) however I seem to have hit a wall since my treatment stopped-I feel like I sailed through the surgery/chemo/radiotherapy but now I do not want to go outside the house,I force myself to socialise but know that I would rather be on my own-My wife goes back to the uk every winter (4 months to work) and although I love her dearly and couldn't Imagine myself without her, I am dreading her coming back,I have had depression years ago but I don't know if what I am feeling is depression.I know that i am a very stubborn sod and always thought I needed nobody to help me through anything in my life, I hate being dependent on people and always thought I could get through anything that comes my way alone (this goes back from childhood ) and though I know that I have many people that love me,I have still always felt that I am alone. I hate the thought of people seeing me when I am not at my best,ill,in pain,suffering etc,I am the joker in the pack,I love to make people laugh but just lately I am not Laughing myself,I am not crying either,I certainly don't feel sorry for myself,far from it,I am grateful to still being here and of course i have all the problems that are associated with this condition (well,after reading the problems that people have on this site, I do not have all the problems,Obviously,but I think i have my share) my cancer has not returned (2 scans now,since last of the treatment) I do feel guilty that I am still here,when I know that many have not made it (some that i saw whilst receiving tratment) and I also feel bad that I am not really doing the best for myself,after lots of people have gone out of thier way to keep me alive, I haven't given up,I just haven't done the best for me and I feel so bad about it,of course the more i feel this the more i hate myself for not doing it.
I am working hard (I work on my own) though many say that i am working much too hard but it's all I know. I wonder if I have not addressed the whole Issue of these last 2 years and that I am shying away from doing so.I am scared that i am heading for a fall I am also petrified that the cancer will return but I also beleive that this is normal,all i know is,is that I am feeling like a fraud.