Can someone please help me? I think I have OCD and have no idea what to do? I’m losing my grip on my sanity! 😢

[Mellowyellow100]

Dear all,

I had an incident happen at work over 20 years ago. I’ve lived with what happened and tried to cope each and every day ever since and my nerves are at breaking point. I’m 51, but feel like a 10 year old girl just constantly full of fear. My problem started when I was at work one day. I was 31, worked for a company for almost 10yrs. I adored my job and the colleagues I worked with. I would always try to make them laugh or be a good listener if anyone wasn’t happy. Compared to everyone else I was quite common and everyone used to call me Eliza Doolittle ... I loved the thought that they felt comfortable having banter with me and me them, never nasty or malicious. Well this particular day my perfect little job, turned out to be my worst nightmare! When I tell you what happened, I guarantee you won’t of ever heard of such a problem before! My company was quite big and very modern. I was admin for the dept and there was another three other people, but this particular day, it was just me and another lady, who I think was about 55. She sat at the desk that was at least 3 feet away, side by side and generally talking about redundancies that we’d not long had a meeting about. All of a sudden she stood up, grabbed her bags and said she had to go home, no explanation or anything, just very flushed and in a panic almost. I carried on working thinking how bizarre and that I hoped she’d be ok. Next day she came into the office acting really strangely again. I asked if she was ok and she just seemed strange and nervous. I let it go and thought well she knows where I am if she wants to talk. Then she got under the desk, started unplugging computer, phone, printer.... faced it towards to back wall cupboard. She didn’t speak, only one word kind of answers. This went on for a few more days, until I noticed every time she spoke to me or walked by my desk, she kept covering her chest in an awkward looking way and finally the penny dropped with me. Her sister worked in HR and very rarely would she come down to our office, but she came down and went to the far end desk that was free, then after their long chat and whispering, she left and came passed my desk (usually had a joke with me) but she also held her arms up to her chest and hardly spoke either. I’m the kind of person who would try to deal with an issue head on and so I asked if I could have a private word with them both. I asked if I had said or done anything to offend her, I still can’t believe I actually asked outright if I had inadvertently looked in that direction for her to be acting so strangely. Of course they both looked at each other and denied anything was wrong. From that moment on, other colleagues were coming down into our office and deliberately doing the same thing. I was so petrified if ever I did anything that would make someone else think the same thing, so I avoided eye contact and please believe me, I still to this day cannot bring myself to make eye contact with anyone, because now if I do try to I’m scaring the life out of people, to the point that even it’s a male or female I’m petrified and I mean absolutely petrified if another person ever thinks the same of me. I left my lovely job, went on to work at another company for 5 years and then another for 8 years, but even in those jobs I’d have great work appraisals, but desperately trying to hide the fact I couldn’t keep eye contact. It only happened if I was stressed, so as long as i didn’t have time to even think about it, I could have a ‘normal’ day. I have since given up work 2012-2014 to care full time for my very sick parents, until they both passed away. Ever since I’ve tried to hold down part time jobs, but where my eye contact problem kicks in, I’m giving off an extremely frightening stare or something, because I must come across all nervous for no reason, whilst trying to be jokey and try to cover it up, but as paranoid as I seem along the way of all the jobs I’ve had, even friends and family, I’m leaving a trail of destruction behind me and making people feel very uncomfortable. I’m currently not working, I rarely go out, because at least at home I can feel safe where I can’t stare or whatever it is I’m doing wrong. I would never, ever intentionally cause or want to cause upset to anyone. I’d give anyone the last I have, my heart if they needed it, literally. I have never come across anything like this in my life, but all I do know is if I carry on like this for a single minute longer I’m going to drive myself literately insane. I’ve been with my husband since I was 14 and he’s my only reason I keep wanting to get ‘normal’. I can tell it’s even taking its toll on him too now though because even people or family we know have noticed I’m not right. He used to have a slim, smart and funny wife, but now he comes home from work and sees a fat, depressed wife who some days can’t even get out of bed. Someone told me it could be an under active thyroid, which I’ve had private bloods done and they believe it is my thyroid, but my nhs tests with my GP state it’s not, so I can’t get help there either. I’m trying to get help with CBT but I’ve got to wait at least 12 weeks for my appointment. I am tortured 24/7 and have been for over 20 years. I can’t get the poor people I’ve frightened out of my head. The look of fear in their faces still haunt me. One minute they’re giving me top marks for my quality of work and the next where my lack of confidence gets me to the point that I burst into tears and have to go home. This has happened at three part time jobs now and I’m no way putting myself or others through it ever again. I can’t find a cure for this condition or whatever it has done to me. So please please can someone help, I can’t take it much longer. I’m 51 and feel like a lost child. I want to be and feel normal again. Thank you in advance for anything you can help me with. I’m very sorry for the long post too. 🌻