Idk, sometimes I just feel like there are so many problems with my mind that I'm just now figuring out. Through reading this board, I've gathered that a lot of these issues that I've brushed off in the past (like constant thoughts of falling on a nail cheek-to-floor first; constantly (and I mean constantly) having a song in my head which will switch to another song and then back again &c.). I've been aware that I probably have OCD for about two years now, however I do remember being a kid and my dad telling me to stop touching my leg all the time - I used to hit it with a specific part of my hand until it felt right. Whenever a compulsion isn't fulfilled or rather listened to, I feel so much dread, as if everything good in my life has just left. I've had moments where I've re-written the same text message to somebody for 15 minutes straight - with the only reason I stopped being that I was starting to annoy myself. I'm just lost. I've had a lump in my throat since I found this website and I don't know why, I'm not sad, I'm not happy. The girl I've been madly in love with for well over a year just left me, I'm starting to despise work and the people I work with, I'm always running out of money (which isn't helped by my dislike of work) and truth be told I don't care at all, but at the same time I know I care. I should care, I should be cutting myself like I was the other weekend when she left, I should be curled up in a ball crying, but I'm not. I think this feeling I have right now is the feeling of sadness. That's another thing, sometimes I overthink so much I start to question absolutely everything. Not your stereotypical existential thoughts, but rather "why am I feeling emotion right now, like how the fuck do chemicals make me feel this way, how is my brain working, do I actually feel sad right now? Am I acting depressed because that's who I am? Did you actually mean it when you told your mom you loved her?" Sometimes I also feel forces outside of my body. I can't describe it other than it's like I'm in a ball of energy and certain surfaces of that ball are touched (in my mind they turn white) and idk, I can just feel a feeling come over me. Doing it now (with the white thing at like a 45° angle to my forehead), it kinda feels like something coming over my head from behind until it reaches the point on my head). I just kinda felt like I needed to write this, sorry if I bored anybody :((
Realising things. : Idk, sometimes I just feel... - OCD Support
OCD Support
Realising things.
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That's always a lot to deal with, being dumped. It leaves you feeling pretty miserable, broken hearted and low on self esteem. People deal with it in a variety of ways, and there's no 'should'. But don't cut yourself! It's best to give yourself a chance to recover by not being too hard on yourself, not demanding too much of yourself, and dealing with it your own way.
It sounds as though your are also dissatisfied with your work. A job demands a lot of us and putting in the hours and not getting paid much is frustrating. Is there anything you could do to get a better, more fulfilling job? Take a different direction?
Perhaps consider retraining or taking a course in something that really interests you. Check out the courses at your local college of further education for vocational opportunities, or your local university for a degree course or post-graduate courses. Many colleges and universities allow you to study while still working and earning a living.
It does sound very much like OCD, and it's worth getting help for it. Go to your GP and ask for a referral to a CBT therapist. Overthinking is common in OCD, but perhaps your mind is overactive partly because it's underused. I've had boring jobs in the past, and they made my OCD worse because I wasn't able to use much of my brain and it got frustrated!
There is help out there, so take a few practical steps.
First of all, thank you for the reply it really means a lot to me :). I've always been quite a smart kid I guess, I have almost double the average qualifications and was meant to be going to uni (but anxiety and low self-esteem stopped me ultimately). My job is just a simple convenience store job so perhaps this is what's making me feel a lil low at work - that and other things ofc. Truth be told, I've kinda been abusing substances like mdma without fully realising the long-term effects such a very low Serotonin levels. My doctor prescribed me Zoloft which is an SSRI so now I'm a lil worried I might end up with slight Serotonin Syndrome. I guess I'm kinda stuck in a rut, I've gone from constant educational fulfilment to basically being a stoner for a year straight and whilst the weed definitely helps, I find sometimes I can become depressed if all I do is lay in bed all day and smoke on my days off. I'll try and find some new friends perhaps, try and stay steady with drug use from now on. Thank you again for taking the time to read my longer anecdotes previously, have a nice night 
Lay off the drugs! I'm not being moralistic here, just concerned that it could damage you. People inclined to mental illness are particularly vulnerable to substance abuse. Many people use drugs with no harm, but drug use can really mess with the brain.
Marijuana is, I think, a depressant, like alcohol. It may be relaxing, but it can also cause psychosis. I'm on sertraline, the same SSRI as you, and it's best not to mix it with recreational drugs as it can reduce the effectiveness.
I'm not surprised that working in a convenience store is getting you down. For a bright person to do a job that doesn't exercise the brain it can really get to you. I know just how it feels. I did some really boring jobs in offices for some years, and quite honestly, they drove me crazy and brought on my OCD. I had done well at school, but did the wrong course at university and found I was no good at it. Then I decided to go back to university and get the degree I should have done in the first place!
Do consider going back to education. Make sure it's something you're genuinely interested in, not just something to qualify you for a job. It can be university, or it can be a practical vocational thing. Just something you enjoy doing.
I'm sure that with a little bit of effort and direction you can sort yourself out!
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