So for many years now I have been having so much trouble with every day stuff. Everything to me is a number and sheer frustration.
I feel as though I have to do everything 18 times to feel “safe”. When I get up in the morning I even have to blink 18 times before I can get up off my bed. I can’t do anything 6 times, 3 times or 13 times. 6 to me seems an unlucky number. Half of 6 is 3 and then 3 6s are 666 which to me is a bad number. 13 I just find unlucky. When the date is the 3rd, 6th or 13th I just feel in danger the whole day. I isolate myself that whole day and try to hide from everything.
If I don’t open my door by touching it in a certain place and opening it slowly and repetitively, I feel my mum will fall down the stairs or just that something bad will happen to her. Sometimes I will get so frustrated at not getting this ritual “right” that I will have to hurt myself in order to feel “safe” and “calm”.
School is so difficult. I have to take off my pen lid either 18 or 88 times to be able to write. I have to think what I am going to write 8 times before I can write it. I have to open and close my school books 8 times as well. There is so so much more than what I have listed. Even my footsteps have to be counted and the way I do things is always a ritual.
The strangest thing is, nobody has actually noticed me doing these things. I have kept it hidden as best I can. Sometimes I will stop myself with all I have in me to do things a certain number of times but, then that will involve me having to self-harm in order to punish myself for not doing what I was “meant to do”.
I don’t know if this is OCD or me just being strange which I have always felt that was what it was. This has taken over my every day life and has been extremely hard to deal with and it’s actually put my life in danger so many times. Any advice or tips would be very helpful.
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Rachael_xoxo
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This sounds like pure ocd,i have this it is intrusive thoughts and internal rituals and going over things over and over again.look at the wikipedia article for pure o and google pure o and see if that sounds like how you are.the therapy is cbt therapy and medication,i have been on medication and it helped me enormously and i have had 2 lots of cbt therapy and that helped me too.see your doctor as soon as possible,there is a lot they can do for you.very often pure o has “themes” that cause great distress,guilt and anxiety-they revolve around sex,harm or relationships,or religion,so,when you see a doctor make sure they know about pure o,also if you see a therapist they have to be a pure o specialist.hope this helps.
It's a hidden disease, is OCD! Many of us try our best to hide or disguise it, because it is so difficult to explain to people. At least more people have heard about it now.
It does sound like OCD to me. It involves a lot of guilt if you don't do the rituals, but forcing yourself to go against them is part of getting over them.
It also sounds as though you are exhausting yourself with doing things over and over. I developed a counting ritual when I was about eleven, and I felt uncomfortable if I didn't do it each day. I had no knowledge of OCD! It became such a chore and exhausted me. Eventually I managed to break it down and shorten it, and I can still remember the day I decided I could ditch it altogether!
Do go to your GP and get a referral to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist. Medication can help as well, though if you are under eighteen your doctor may be reluctant to prescribe it. Also try getting some self help books which can help you get started on your recovery. Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a good one. It has a section on the symptoms you are experiencing. As it says, 'They are just numbers!'
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