What is wrong with me

I had a beautiful girlfriend for the past two years inside and out but I failed to show her any love or appreciation I took her kindness and positivity for granted.

I met her at work straight after a permanent break up with my ex girlfriend and baby mother, which looking back was a rebound at first.

At first we wasn’t a couple she use to just come round to keep my spirits high and give me company, I knew she fancied me for a while as we worked together and she was always concerned about my moods and problems.

After a while of her coming round as friends (4 months) I realised she deserved more effort from me so I suggested a relationship. She was so happy. All those times she sat with me depressed thinking about my daughter was worth it in her eyes.

If I’m honest I was just happy to be over my ex and I know it makes me sound like a horrible and nasty person maybe even using this wonderful lady but I got with her even though I didn’t feel like I fancied her or she was even my type, I now realise I was blind to it or had difficulty allowing my brain to show emotion.

She treated me like a king and my daughter like a princess but I never made her feel loved hardly complemented her or told her I loved her, yet there she was for me when my car broke down driving to my side driving me miles to find a new one. The list goes on. When I walked into work I’d catch her massive smile and I felt it was a bit much and wasn’t sure able to appreciate the love.

In August I split up with her to her sadness and although it didn’t make me happy I felt it was only fair on her if I didn’t love her. By September she was coming round again, I made clear it was just as friends and she said she didn’t want a relationship with me she was just happy to have me in her life. Again I took it all for granted and I am hating myself for it and am wrapped in guilt and regret.

Just before Xmas I asked if we could get back together as I realised she was in fact the girl of my dreams and I have no idea why I treated her with such little interests and made excuses from access to daughter to not being loved like this. She said it was over and she wasn’t going to come round anymore. I sent flowers, gifts and letters telling her if she loved me when I was so uninterested imagine what I’d be like now I realised I do actually love her. Respect to her she grew a back bone and stuck to her guns she obviously felt she was used and was embarrassed to allow herself to be.

Now this is where after research I believe OCD comes in. All through jan I have chased her and begged and now I can’t have her all I do is think about her and mourn for her. All day and all night she is on my mind and what she use to do for me. I do leave her alone now as asked but seeing her at work is killing me so much so I’ve been signed off for two weeks. I know I love her the feelings are so strong and rejection is getting me in a hole. I don’t sleep or eat she is literally on my mind constantly.

It’s an obsession, but I want to know why I didn’t feel like this when she was with me and all the depressive times I had with her. We did obviosly have fun times too and a connection but I just felt I couldn’t commit. I knew I deserve what’s happened and she deserves more but I just wish I could turn back time and show her what she means to me as I know I could and would if given the chance.

I don’t want to take medication I just want my brain to think of something else, even for an hour. I know I’m being selfish I should let her go but I just don’t understand why I only feel like this now and didn’t wake up to it when we were together.

I have a meeting for therapy next Wednesday am willing to pay whatever it costs to make this feeling go a way. My thoughts are not normal when I start thinking of her and another man so I know jealousy and rejection is a big part of my emotions as well as guilt. How could I love her if I treated her like this?

I do expect criticism and deservedly so but if anyone feels they can say anything helpful to make me stop feeling so down I’d appreciate it - and I do deserve karma etc maybe time is the only healer