I have no idea what to do, I have been divorced from a hoarder for over 5 years, and all we have is our house, but the attic is full, there are 6 sheds packed in the garden, and every cupboard is filled. I cannot escape? Please any advice? I am on the verge of a breakdown
How do you cure a hoarder?: I have no idea what... - OCD Support
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How do you cure a hoarder?
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Mairihelp
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Being a hoarder myself, I have every sympathy with your ex partner. I take it your ex no longer lives in your house but has left you with their things cluttering it up. I have every sympathy for you, as well! No one really likes living in a cluttered house, including hoarders, and for those who have to live with other people's clutter it is pretty rotten.
Start off with the areas you want cleared most immediately. Tell them that they must clear those areas or you will get rid of their things yourself. They need three categories: keep, recycle or give to charity shop, throw out. Encourage them to get rid of things, but don't, if you can help it, stand over them and demand they get rid of things they genuinely want to keep. It can break down the whole process.
I am currently sorting out my own living area which is full of junk. I have just filled up the paper recycling container so full that I can hardly move it, and have ready another lot to go in. It is actually quite satisfying to clear things out.
They are likely to move if you threaten to chuck it out yourself, but try not to interfere too much while they do it. As they go on, it will become easier to get rid. If I can do it, anyone can! Don't let them stop until they have sorted everything.
Hello, this is the first time I have posted anything on here. In fact any blogs anywhere, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in having been related to someone who has a hoarding problem.
My mother is a severe hoarder and has been for many years. She will not let me help her clear anything. I have made numerous attempts over the years and as she is now in her 70s and suffering with both physical and undiagnosed mental health problems - undiagnosed because even when I have reached out to her GP for help on several occasions, I am told that my mother has to admit she has a problem before they can help. She won't admit she has a problem, despite her constant complaining about her physical lack of health and her inability to concentrate. She is in a self propelling downward spiral, like a vortex she sucks my emotional energy, but when I try to get help she says I am causing trouble and being nasty or spiteful - which couldn't be further from the truth.
I really wish I could give you some answers or advice but every corridor I try to follow to help my mother, seems to always have a large heavy door at the end of it, being slammed shut by the very person I am trying to help.
As I say, I don't have any answers, but being the close relative of a hoarder is an incredibly lonely place to be. It is a small comfort in a strange way to know that I am not the only one.
I sincerely hope you find the previous ladies advice helpful, and that you manage to get the house cleared and move on to enjoy a happy and peaceful life.
Daughterwitzend, omg, you have terrified me! And I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. So much love sent your way. The reason we kept the house as the kids wanted us to stay together, I had to take a couple of years out to care for my Mum, and by then I was trapped, the attic is so crammed I cannot get in. The garden has 7 sheds all crammed, there are 13 bikes all round the house and every door I open bits fall out.
He cannot see it and blames me!
Like you, this is the first blog or post I have ever gone on. I just felt so alone. Literally I feel imprisoned, our house is all I have.
Thank you for replying, Mx
Hello Sallyskins,
Thank you for sharing your very inspiring story. May I ask, if it's not too personal or painful a question what was it that triggered you to act?
No amount of coercion;or gentle persuasion; not mentioning it; explaining the benefits of clearing; offering to clear for / with my mother; and at times (I'm ashamed to say) shouting and crying in sheer frustration, exhasperation and exhaustion, seem to trigger her acceptance and willingness to clear or allow me to clear.
It would be very interesting to hear what 'flicked the light switch on' in your case.
Thank you very very much indeed. I will understand if you don't feel comfortable in responding.
Peace and happiness to you.
Thanks! It's really nice to be called 'inspiring'! It's just that I hate living surrounded by clutter and garbage. I long for clear spaces and order! But it is very difficult helping someone else. However out of control they feel with their own clutter, relinquishing control to someone else to clear it is quite scary. A hoarder and their junk are not easily parted.
It is very frustrating, I know, trying to help someone who refuses help. My own mother had a drink problem. Trying to get her off it and keep her off it was hard. She refused to admit she had a problem and shouted 'leave me along' at all efforts to help her. After she went into hospital, having fallen down drunk on the stairs and broken her hip, I found bottles hidden all around the house.
Different problem, similar attitude to help! I can only suggest that you try to help her in a way that leaves her in control as much as possible. It's not likely to be easy, and I'm sure you've already tried every which way to help her, but if she can feel sure that you won't just throw her stuff away she might feel less protective of her junk. It helps to clear one small area before moving onto the next, so maybe start with a bag or cupboard or whatever she will agree to. It gets easier as you go along.
It must be so distressing for you to watch your mother suffering, and for your relationship with her to become so fraught and antagonistic. GPs aren't much help, as they are not allowed to interfere without the patient's consent. I do hope that you can persuade her to accept your help. She is lucky to have a daughter like you!
Sadly, we are still living together, we cannot sell the house until it is cleared! He insists we keep the house as a “home” for our children (aged 21 and 15) all that means is they cannot ever bring friends home and I never meet their friends!
I currently feel I am just one of the ‘things ‘ he is hoarding!
That really makes it worse! Divorced and stuck with him still! It sounds as though he is wanting to hang onto the house and hoarding gives him an excuse. I don't like to be cruel to hoarders as I know how difficult it is, but it sounds like you need to threaten to hire a skip! It is not fair on you, and if he is using hoarding to manipulate you into either staying with him or letting him keep the house, then you are within your rights to fight back in whatever way you can!
Yes, I am beginning to think he is taking hoarding to new limits, just getting so tired trying to be happy all day and coming back to a new pile off stuff, I did not want! But also so glad you got started talking.
Do you live with your Mum or just visit? Mx
It must be extremely stressful, and must make it difficult to move on with your life, being stuck with someone you are no longer in a relationship with, and all their stuff!
Perhaps the first place to start might be to stop new junk coming into the house. Hoarders often can't resist buying more. How about for every new item he brings in, five old ones must go? Easier said than done, I think, but it might be worth trying!
Perhaps discuss it with your children about what they want and what you want. If keeping the house is what you want and they want, then do so! I know how hard it can be to give up a place you love. And the upheaval of moving is stressful in itself, and perhaps you don't want that.
I don't know if there are family liaison services you could get in touch with. It might help to have an outside agency helping you.
I lost my mother seven years ago, but I was living with her and doing my best to care for her. In so many ways she was a wonderful woman and I loved her very much. But an alcoholic in the family is never easy to deal with.
Thank you so much for sharing your story so openly. I am glad you found the strength to tackle and clear, and it's wonderful to hear you're enjoying the good feelings associated with getting a bit of order back in your home. The tone of your messages is uplifting and inspiring and I wish you continued strength and much happiness.
Thank you sincerely, once again.
That is so kind of you! I still have a long way to go in clearing, but it is very gratifying to have some empty spaces in the house and not to have to step and climb over things so much! Thanks for your encouragement and hope that you can improve things with your mother.
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