I'm a 16 year old female looking for some advice on my OCD situation.
If you want to skip the background and go straight to what I need advice on, go to the part where it says "Now this is where I need advice" .
Just a short background on my OCD, I've had it for as long as I remember. I believe I was 7 or 8, and I remember I was at the mountains with my family. My sister ran on the other side of a large rock, and I went around the other side, and I remember my parents calling for her- as she was still by the other side of the rock and I already walked passed the rock- so we were waiting for her. When she did come around a few seconds later, I had this thought say that somehow she switched with someone else while she was on the side of the rock, and thats why it took so long. Like I thought some alien/ twin sister just came and switched places with her, and that she wasn't my sister. I still think back to that, 8/9 years later and sometimes I still feel like it could be true (though I know its not, It's just that I was so young and scared by the thought that the feelings of it being true still stick to me)
I remember being in elementary school and having to stuff crumpled pieces of paper in my pocket- if I didn't I would have more anxiety than I was already experiencing. My pockets were literally overflowing with paper, and I wouldn't take them out till I got home. I also remember having to touch school doors repeatedly until it felt right, though I don't remember if it was because of magical thinking OCD (which is something I now recognize and have suffered from it for 5 or so years)
And in middle school, I remember having to repeat actions or "redo" them, because if I was thinking a bad thought while doing the action and completing it, the thought would come true. So I would have to continuously redo the action until I didn't think of a bad thought. (I still do this to this day)
I suffer from GAD, OCD, and I think I'm forming a mild depression from both. My OCD has been through the roof ever since I got out of school for the summer, but so has my GAD. I had a panic attack on one of the first days of summer- it was also the night of my birthday, so that wasn't fun. I remember I had a heart palpitation and that made me panic and produce so many more panic attack symtoms- and my ocd then sprouted to me having to redo actions or repeat them without thinking of a bad thought, in this case that I would die in my sleep, have a heart attack, develop a brain tumor, etc. I began to realize my OCD took form of my biggest fears. I also realized that the magical thinking OCD thoughts , after a few weeks, developed into another thought. I've had thoughts attacking my religion, saying I'm going to he*l , even though I didn't do anything wrong- I just picked up a water bottle and walked out of the room while thinking this thought- this sent me into a full blown crying party. I bawled my eyes out for a half an hour, so scared that I actually was going to go to he*l. So, after my OCD went to my religious thoughts, I stopped having as many heart palpitations and weird head sensations. This just comes to show that my anxiety is creating these symptoms, or at least I hope.
Now this is where I need advice. I was given fluoxetine for mainly my GAD, 10mg , once a day at night, but it's been about 2 and a half months and I still can't bring myself to take them. Over the past 2 and a half months my GAD sky rocketed, as well as my OCD. I'm 400% worse now than before I got out of school. Every waking second I'm battling the ocd thoughts in my head, or trying to reassure myself that I don't feel out of it (I suffer from dissociative disorder, I have derealization/depersonalization a lot, and it always happens when I go out, so I've stayed home basically the entire summer, which Is not good at all, I know- and I've stopped eating healthy and exercising, and my sleeping habits are not good.) However, I will say, since school is starting, I have fixed my sleeping habit- and I'm beginning to eat healthy again and exercising.
Anyways, my OCD has been revolving around suicidal obsessions for a few weeks now. It's rarely about any other thing, just suicide. It freaks me out. I am terrified. I know I don't want to do it, which is probably why my OCD is making such a big fuss over it. Back in my first therapist session a few weeks ago, my therapist asked if I was suicidal. I told her no, as I wasn't at the time, and thought to myself "Geez, I don't see how I'm not at this point, ive been through so much) And I feel like I jinxed myself. The next day, my OCD began revealing around suicide. It's been nearly a month now, and I seriously think its why I'm beginning to form some type of mild depression, along with my GAD. I can't do so many thing anymore, without the thought telling me "I'm suicidal, or "Im going to kill myself" , etc and if I think that while doing an action, any action at all and complete the action, I have to redo the action completely until I don't think of that thought anymore. It's draining me so much. I feel so hopeless. Sometimes I can ignore it, but a lot of times I can't. It's controlling me. And I've felt like "I don't want to live anymore" , and have thought about what it would be like to just end it all. But, and please listen closely, I get a lot of anxiety when I think these things. It freaking me out, I don't want to think like that. I am not happy a lot anymore, and I blame my OCD for everything. Before my OCD was this bad, like during school, I was at least happy- though I was struggling everyday, worrying about my DP/DR happening during school, I never thought or obsessed about suicide. And now it goes through my mind, hours on end. I don't want to. Could that be why my thoughts are always about it? Because it knows its one of my biggest fears, knows how much its stressing me out, and subconsciously keeps it in my mind all the time because its my brains way of some sort of twisted, sick defense mechanism? I don't know what to do anymore. I am so scared, so lost, so hopeless. I can't open the fridge, put down a cup, close a door, turn on a light, pick certain objects to use or buy, etc because while doing this action I have the thought that if I go through with the action, I will want to kill myself. It's so stressful. I had to cancel two orders online because when I bought them I had the thought, and once I went through with the order but it was so stressful, I was sitting for an hour or two just trying to decide whether I should let my OCD get to me and cancel the order or not. And then another hour spent crying because I didn't cancel the order. And well, I'm having those thoughts anyways so I can't help but feel like its because I canceled the order, or because of the several times I do ignore the thoughts. I can't go 2 minutes without having the OCD thought pop up while Im doing an action, and its very very stressful. Usually in the morning, I'm somehow happier, so I can ignore a lot of the compulsions. But in the afternoon and night, I get sadder/ depressed and I can't ignore the thoughts. I sometimes stay up for a half an hour or hour just repeating actions so that I don't wake up the next day and want to kill myself. I am pathetic, and I'm realizing this as I write this. But I don't know what to do. Like I said, I spent a lot of time doing these compulsions over and over again because the thought JUST WONT LEAVE, and even when I do i still sometimes feel suicidal- but like I said I get a lot of anxiety when I feel like this, so maybe its just an intrusive thought and I'm thinking its real, after all it does feel so real? It makes me think I want to. I never would ever want to though, yet sometimes I convince myself I do. I have never had these thoughts before, ever. I don't know what to do, how do I make them go away? How do I resist these compulsions? Every day, minute to minute, I'm trying to stop myself from having these thoughts- and I can like feel the friction in my mind, my trying to push the thought away and the thought desperately trying to come into my mind and get my attention anyway.
Back to the medication, I was prescribed fluoxetine, 10 mg a day, once a day at night, mainly for my GAD- but I've heard it treats OCD as well as depression. I got this back in june, but never took it, as I'm scared of pills- especially ones that do something to the brain. Do you think I should try it? I don't know what else to do. I've heard people say how much their anti anxiety meds help them, along with therapy of course, and how most people are almost, if not recovered. It gives me a lot of hope. Of course, I also hear stories about how it made them feel worse, or that SSRI's should not be given to teenagers because they're at higher risk for developing suicidal thoughts or actions while taking them, and well I already sorta have suicidal thoughts/obsessions and I don't need them to get worse. But I can't sit around and not try something to help me anymore! I've done that for three months, and look where thats got me. Please, do give me advice as to how to ignore these compulsions, or just let the thoughts "be" , and if I should try medication or something else.
Like I said, I have magical thinking ocd about suicidal thoughts/obsessions, and a lot of the time when I'm not doing the compulsions, I'm thinking about trying not to think about my becoming suicidal. But sometimes the thought slips through anyways and I think about what it would be like to just not feel anything anymore. I think about killing myself, but like I said it gives me a lot of anxiety and I get freaked out by it, so I don't know if this is me actually thinking about me wanting to do it, or some type of intrusive thought. I would say more but , my OCD is acting up and I can't, and its really frustrating but its all I can manage right now.
Sorry for making this so long. I'm really , really sorry!