Contemplating giving up work......: Im at the end of my... - NRAS

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Contemplating giving up work......

girli1111 profile image
78 Replies

Im at the end of my tether, in terrible pain in my hips and exhausted..... after the luxury of 6 weeks summer leave, I’m an Early Years Practitioner in a school reception and nursery.... I’m two weeks back and I’m on my knees health wise. This is despite working just a three day week ( a compromise I was able to make two years ago). I’m 50 years of age and my levels of fatigue and pain have sky rocketed, despite my blood inflammation levels looking good.

I just don’t know what to do for the best. I love my job, but I honestly just don’t think I’m fit enough to do it anymore, added to this I can’t bear that I feel like I’m letting my colleagues and the children down.

Financially, I haven’t really worked out where I stand yet. I have a supportive husband who earns a reasonable salary, and our home is now mortgage free thank goodness, so I guess I’m well placed, so I don’t imagine I’d be entitled to any benefits as such, however this would be a massive impact on our family finances. I haven’t taken lots of time off sick.... and I can’t contemplate going onto long term sick leave because of the impact that such staffing uncertainty would have on my colleagues who are my dear friends, also I can’t imagine there’s much in the way of an early pension in the pot for me even if I was even to be eligible.... and I imagine I’d have to be off sick for a very long time before any such mechanism would kick into place?

I can’t even think straight because I’m so very tired and in pain. I don’t know what I’m asking really.... I guess it’s, what have others done?! I don’t think this is just a flare or just a blip.... yes, I AM having a flare at the moment, but I honestly can’t recall the last time I felt well. Compounding the issue is having to deal with an increasingly frail mother who is an extremely unpleasant and emotionally abusive person... I’m terrified that if I give up work she will decide that I’m going to be her full time carer, and I just can’t possibly do that - physically or emotionally....

Sorry, just don’t know where to turn right now!

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girli1111
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78 Replies
Sal-1 profile image
Sal-1

Do what's best for you. I gave up my job as an early years manager due to the physical demands. I'm now working part time in an office as I couldn't afford to give up work completely but I even struggle with that some days. You have to put yourself first though. Dont worry about letting others down as they are not in your situation.

Ali_H profile image
Ali_H

I would firstly speak to your Union and a pension advisor because you may be entitled to early retirement on Ill health grounds which could ease things also speak to rheumy dept as clearly your current meds are not working well for you.

All the best

Ali

(Sorry it’s a short reply.... knackered!! Off to bed early 😴😴)

Is there (on top of the replies given already) a way that you could do half days or down to 2.5 days for a while to get you some relief. Your health has to come first as no one will thank you for it in the long run but try to look at as many different possibilities before taking that huge deicsion,

Feel for you as I feel I might need to drop to 4 days but with hubby off sick and no SSP I am holdingout for as long as I can x

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to

I only work 3 days as it is..... great understanding colleagues, but it’s really not going to be reasonable for me to ask for any more concessions as it impacts on everything else.

AgedCrone profile image
AgedCrone in reply to girli1111

Have you spoken to the CAB ?

They have specialists in all sorts of situations like yours. I know when you are feeling really down & are in pain and especially when you feel you are letting your colleagues down it just seems easier to walk away from it ....but please do take some professional advice- a few years down the line you may be pleased you did .

Also as advised by hh, do apply for attendance allowance for your mother ASAP. If she is difficult about it....you can fill in the forms yourself and her doctor can sign them. But one word of advice - do try to be there if they send an assessor. I was responsible for an elderly aunt who was first assessed when no family was there ....and when the report came back - on a lady who had not left her house for 10 years- it said she did her own shopping and had a bath every day-she couldn’t even get up one step let alone into a bath!

Also, depending on how things go there might be some non means tested allowances that you are entitled to....the CAB can help with advice on all this.

Don’t push yourself to go to work if you can’t manage it without pain.......surprisingly enough your place of work will survive ...but you will only make yourself worse .

Good Luck! Let us know how you get on.... tell it how it really is don’t try to put a brave face on it .

helixhelix profile image
helixhelix

I feel for you - particularly elderly parents who can be very draining.

Talk to your employers as once you turn 50 some places allow early retirement (others are 55). You might then be able to get a pension straight away based on the contributions you’ve made but it wouldn't be enhanced.

Otherwise you’d have to hold on for medical retirement which is much harder to get, but you would get an enhanced pension (the reason why employers are so reluctant to agree it).

And look into attendance allowance for your mother, that way she can pay for a bit of help from someone other than you!

Evaflo10s profile image
Evaflo10s

You could apply for PIP. It’s not a means tested benefit . May help you contribute a little something financially at home , or pay for someone to help your mother occasionally so you can concentrate on giving yourself the care you sound like you need .

in reply to Evaflo10s

Ive applied for pip it says it is not means tested but that’s not happened to me. I posted my experience on this my application is still on going.

KittyJ profile image
KittyJ in reply to

It isn’t means tested J1707 😊

Black2 profile image
Black2 in reply to KittyJ

I agree. I recently had a pip assessment and they didn’t ask about my salary. As far as how the assessment went... if it isn’t approved m, I’m not going again. The assessment questions felt like they were trying to determine whether I was a worthy candidate of the millions they’re going to bestow upon me?M! Don’t know if anyone has survived the pip assessment?

KittyJ profile image
KittyJ in reply to Black2

I survived 😊

Mmrr profile image
Mmrr

Firstly you need to look after yourself, you are not responsible for your work colleagues, that's your manager and the organisations job. Continuing to work whilst you are not able may have long term consequences for your health, and you do need to consider the effects on your work performance (I'm not implying anything, just raising the point).

I was off sick for 1 year before being medically retired. I would have gone earlier, but it took months for OH and HR to get my application together, meanwhile I was paid my salary then half salary. Like you, I had little sick leave over my working life before this, but that's why we have sick pay, to support people unfit to work.

I was successfully medically retired and also applied for employment support allowance (ESA) at 57 years old.

If you are not able to work I would recommend it, it has made a huge difference to me.

I’m only 52 and I’m in the same position as you . I now only work 1 1/2 hours a day and last Friday I worked 3 hrs to cover a colleague . I spent my weekend totally zoned out don’t remember speaking to my partner or son. I don’t know if I can continue to work as it has become such a struggle . Although I earn very little it does mean we can have a holiday . I gave up work 16 years ago to look after my mother as she had cancer(a labour of love)and I was pregnant with my youngest son( very much a shock as my older children were 15 years old no plans for more but glad we did)I always planned to go back to work but my mom lived much longer than anticipated (11years) then I started to really struggle with fatigue the rest is history and full time work became impossible we have still a large chunk of our mortgage to pay the plan was to have it paid off by now. I’m a burden to my family and dread making things more stressful for my husband .

What do we do??? Continue to make ourselves ill and work or take the pressure off ourselves but make things financially difficult....... I don’t have the answer. But off loading the negative thoughts help. Hope you find your answers.

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to

Your position sounds very similar to mine. I’m sorry to hear about your mother, my situation with my mum makes me desperately sad, but that’s not something I can change, but I know it must sound very selfish to people who have had good parent relationships. I know I’m really too unwell to continue to work in this job, but somehow would still feel like a fraud for ‘going off sick’ .... and its not like taking any sick leave would make me better as such.... I hope you find your answers too x

in reply to girli1111

Like you going off sick makes me feel a slacker. I don’t have a great relationship with my dad and like you if I gave up work it would be replaced with looking after my dad( he is more than able to look after himself) as he sees it as our duty..... would rather work 😉😂😂

Evaflo10s profile image
Evaflo10s

Yours does sound a horrible experience but I always think it’s worth a go . Some people have better experiences than others . Shouldn’t be like that but don’t imagine it’s going to change anytime soon sadly.

Pippy25 profile image
Pippy25

My heart goes out to you Girli1969 and I hear every word you are saying. Please think of you and your health and while I am sure you want to be loyal to your colleagues, but you and your health are important. Take it from someone who knows, as loyal as I was to my colleagues and my job it at the end of the day got me no where other than being very sick. Doing this whilst trying to look after two ill elderly parents and now one ill elderly parent it all takes it's toll. Everything must feel a bit of a whirl right now and you can't see the wood for the trees so to speak. Take care and sending some warm wishes to you right now.

Frankiefocus profile image
Frankiefocus

I know how you feel I'm 51 and finally threw the towel in about 3 moths ago. I just could not take the fatique and knee pain. My job had me climbing stairs and doing 12 hr shift and I thought if i ate a good diet no probs but the legs just packed in and I nearly ran out of road with fatique going to work. Your health more important then your wealth, sure i had to take a massive pay cut as ESA is only £113 a week but to be honest I'm not that sad about it as I did my bit working my back side of all my life and if this is my lot well I gotta suck it up and get on with it. I hope next year maybe get a part time job but for know I'm just taking it easy till I get my medication sorted as I still flare up . So please dont beat yourself up to much and try and keep yourself busy if you do quit.

KittyJ profile image
KittyJ

It’s a horrible place to be when you enjoy your job and want to work but you physically can’t and suffer the rest of the time that you aren’t at work because of it. I know it’s difficult but you must think of yourself as others have said. You will only run yourself into the ground and end up being off sick anyway.

You don’t mention any rheumy appointments coming up or what meds you are on, could you speak to your rheumy nurse too so she knows that your RA isn’t controlled? Maybe try and get a short notice cancellation appointment.

I was in a similar position and tried to struggle on when I probably shouldn’t have but it got to the stage that it was impossible to work and I was eventually medically retired after being on long term sick. I received my pension early (very early ) so I have never been able to claim means tested benefits but you may be able to. I would definitely tell your employer what you have told us, if they don’t know you are still struggling then they can’t help. See what they suggest but I wouldn’t resign, see what the next step with your employer is. Giving up your job doesn’t mean you won’t be able to do another job ever but once your health is better then you can look at what you could do instead.

Sorry for waffling on and I hope that you feel able to take some time off. I think you need it. Sending 🤗 and keep coming here for support x

Pippy25 profile image
Pippy25 in reply to KittyJ

So true. It is hard when you enjoy your job, but I agree you will run yourself into the ground and end up being off sick.

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to KittyJ

Thank you. I actually had rheumatology appointment less than a month ago, so won’t be seen again for another 9 months. my bloods were good and inflammation low at that time.... but I described my constant fatigue.... which is referred to in a letter back to my GP as ‘mild fatigue’..... what a joke that is! Since then I’ve flared up really badly... had a steroid shot via GP. My usual Meds’ are 20mg of methotrexate and 400mg of hydroxychloroquine sulphate. I know if I head back to the GP again they will suggest antidepressants... but this is not depression... I currently have two colleagues off on long term sick leave and I just don’t want to be lumped in with them as frankly they’ve behaved very badly as far as I can see, I could be wrong, but they seem to be off because of a long standing grievance with our management... I just wish I could just hide away right now, I have a good husband and wonderful daughter, but I feel like they’d be better off without me. I am cancelling plans all the time because I can’t face the exhaustion that they bring. I feel like a shadow of my former self, and even my brain doesn’t seem to function properly anymore... I struggle to keep track of my thoughts let alone remember details... sorry, I’m ranting! Just helps to hear from people who know what I’m talking about.

Mmrr profile image
Mmrr in reply to girli1111

It sounds as if you need some space to get yourself together. Be kind to yourself and try not to worry what others think, their views don't matter. Just concentrate on being as well as you can be.

Work is important, I'm not saying it isn't, but like everything once you've gone, you've gone after a long enjoyable, successful career I rarely think about work now. Life moves on.

Pippy25 profile image
Pippy25 in reply to Mmrr

So true. After 30 years working full time I was devastated as I had been so dedicated to my work, but life does move on and with your good work ethic you will find ways of giving back, only at your pace and when you can.

benjijen profile image
benjijen in reply to girli1111

I'm sorry to hear you're so unwell but can assure you that your family would not be better off without you! I applaud your work ethic and it's good to see you're considering the problems long term or intermittent sick leave can cause to your colleagues\friends. I think you are probably right to consider giving up work, I'm sure you'll feel like a weight has been lifted once the decision is made. Try applying for benefits and speak to Citizen's Advice for help with that. I also understand about your mother, mine has dementia but insists she hasn't and refuses to have anyone else come in. I used to go in daily after work. To keep my sanity I've had to say I will go in twice a week but feel totally drained after I've spent time with her. You can speak to Adult Social Services about her if you haven't already, although I've never got anywhere with them as even though she has dementia if she says no-one in then they accept it! When my thoughts become muddled I find that writing them down helps me put things in perspective - worth a try? You've already begun to do that here. Let us know what you decide and good luck. P.S We all need a rant now and again so rant away!!

Dobcross1 profile image
Dobcross1 in reply to benjijen

What a great reply Benjijen. Everything I was thinking you've just clearly written!

Mmrr profile image
Mmrr in reply to benjijen

Like you I too have to step back from my mum, she is very demanding , not just of me but everyone who is contact with her. I'm an only child which doesn't help either.

Mum is a dependent personality, who has a very good knack of getting others to do much for her, including decorating, shopping, repairs, gardening...always has had. She lives several hours drive from everyone in the family, but will not move nearer any of us, saying if we really want to visit her we would find the time.

None of us have 5-6 hrs to do a round trip, stay overnight, do all the jobs she wants done whilst you are there, there is always written list when you arrive of jobs to be done. Then get dressed to go out for expensive meals in the evening (which she doesn't pay for and organises without asking !) anymore than a few times each year.

I can't do the drive, so I'm dependent on others taking me, and I don't do well sleep wise when not in my own bed, so I'm exhausted when I get home. We are made to feel so guilty, it's awful. But I've learned to step back a little as the whole situation was making me ill.

She just doesn't understand the whole RD thing and how unwell people can feel.

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to benjijen

Thank you, and I’m sorry to hear about your mother.

lizardlover64 profile image
lizardlover64 in reply to girli1111

I must admit I quit work 2016, just couldnt do it anymore. I find GP's and Rheumys have no understanding of these illnesses. I have Fibro, Lupus, Antiphospholipid Syndrome, Stage 3 Kidney Disease, Hypothroidism and now a stomach infection that doesn't seem to be responsive to Antibiotics. My blood levels for infection are only ever slightly elevated tho I test positive for antibodies but only slightly. They say I am a conundrum dont fit the mould but admit something is going on. I suffer with anxiety but am not depressed as such tho being ill all the time makes you down. I have runny sore itchy eyes too. Look after yourself that's the main thing. It doesn't matter how you look to others, I am at the stage I am at because I overdid it. You can get PIP and maybe not ESA but it's worth a try but definitely PIP no matter what income. You have to prove you cant do certain things.

Hope you feel better soon xx

Sue

Eiram50 profile image
Eiram50

Hi

Sorry to hear how tough things are for you at the minute.

I haven’t read through replies so I may well be repeating all that’s been said!

Firstly, I would contact your union and HR Department and find out where things would stand re medical / ill health retirement etc

Secondly, ask to be referred to occupational health. There may be adjustments that can be made to your working day - your employer is duty bound to make reasonable adjustments to support your well being and capacity to remain in your role. This might include your work load, frequent breaks from your desk, a desk assessment etc -all of which can have a positive impact on your ability to get through the day.

Lastly, is your employer aware of things. Sometimes an honest conversation can start YW process of change.

I’m a social worker in a busy locality team and like you, I had to reduce my hours due to my health. It’s not easy but I would encourage you to seek all advice and supports available, before making any concrete decisions.

I wish you all the luck in the world, going forward .

Marie

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to Eiram50

Thank you Marie. I know you’re right about contacting my union etc.... does it make sense if I say I’m too damn tired to even do that?! I just want to hide away right now.... I should be asleep but can’t stop crying. Think I might just give in my notice tomorrow

Eiram50 profile image
Eiram50 in reply to girli1111

Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that and yes, it makes perfect sense.

I know that you’ve said how you keenly feel the weight of responsibility with regards being off sick and letting your colleagues/ friends down and trust me, I absolutely understand that. But, you count too and if they’re your friends, they will understand this and wish the best for you.

Maybe the best. Thing right now is to take some time off- a couple of weeks and chat with your GP/ Rhuemy about your meds and just give yourself some breathing room before deciding anything.

I’ve been in a similar place myself in a couple of occasions and tried desperately, like you, mostly for the sake of others, to keep going and the price was a heavy one, leading to hugely damaging flares and many surgeries and replacements.

Please think about a little time off and space and be kind to yourself. You matter x

Pippy25 profile image
Pippy25

I can imagine it is all very hard to take in right now but the wanting to hide away, crying, not being able to think straight, the loyalty towards your work which you love and colleagues are all things I know the signs of all too well. Please as Eiram50 says think about taking a little time off and having some space to think things through in your own time and be kind to yourself. Don't worry about the colleagues who are already off sick, this is about you, your situation, your life and your health. Don't give up or give in your notice, people do care and want the best for you. Take care x

lupus_01 profile image
lupus_01

Although i dont have RA, i have AS, I know where you are coming from. There seems to be something with menopause and long term stress that really ramps up these diseases. I was originally full time at work, went to four days a week, then three days a week ( it helped a bit but i still was expected to do the work of a full timer). Eventually i spoke to pension company and got exact figures of what i could get (fortunately i could take early pension at 50 although i lost a bit). At the time i dont think i could have got a disability pension.

I retired nearly three years ago and wow what a difference to my health. It took four months post retirement basically sleeping all day to recharge after all the stress. I have aches and pains but can live with them.

My husband also retired at the same time and we managed financially until he got his gov pension this year.

Scary time to think about but worthwhile if you can manage it

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to lupus_01

Thank you. Did you have to take sick leave ahead of qualifying for your pension... I’m thinking do I have to ‘proove’ I can’t work by actually not being there?! I want to be able to walk away with my head held high, not shuffle out after having to be off on sick pay if possible. I want to give them a chance to recruit to replace me. My team have been through a lot recently, and I want to be fair to them

lupus_01 profile image
lupus_01 in reply to girli1111

I had periods of sick leave over 6 years hence my hours kept dropping to accommodate me. Occupational health were not overly helpful at work and my unison rep not helpful so it got to the point where i had just had enough. Sat down with hubby and had a long chat and we decided to change our lives together. Scary!

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to lupus_01

I have just over 20 years of local authority employment in different schools. I’m also a Unison member and I was thinking of contacting them today as it’s my day off.... but your experience with them doesn’t sound so promising! I’m also just over 50, so now wondering if there’s anyway way I might be able to access a reduced pension..... it won’t be much I’m sure, but every little helps! I’m sure I’d not be entitled to benefits as husband earns reasonably well and we have savings (which is really my husbands future pension pot as he’s been self employed for most of his working life). He is fortunately incredibly supportive of me and just wants me to be as well as I can possibly be. Over the years my hours have reduced at my request because of the fatigue, and I had hoped this could work, but I honestly think the time has come now to just stop making myself more unwell. Thanks for your replies

lupus_01 profile image
lupus_01 in reply to girli1111

I was lucky in that because i had been in pension scheme for 25 yrs i could access pension at 50. They had changed the scheme after i joined so minimum age was 55. I lost 4% for each year i retired early (so 40%). But i still get a pension i can live on. So its worth talking to pension company to get figures.

GranAmie profile image
GranAmie in reply to girli1111

you must put yourself first , not employers / colleagues. if employed by an Ed authority and with a record of illness leading to sick leave etc and l/term condition you cd [down the line] apply for early retirement on health grounds and gain an enhanced pension . if you are known to be off sick with a debilitating condition which is not going away then they may decide themselves to retire you on health grounds. this is something you cd explore with your union [without prejudice] but you need to accept that you may need help. Marie has put it much better than me. x

M45984371 profile image
M45984371

Hi

I am 58 and have the same levels of fatigue. Despite you being too tired to do anything, you must get a full understanding of what your employer's retirement on ill health policies are, tied in to their pension provider's policy on what they regard as evidence needed for an enhanced pension. My employer uses the phrase "gainful employment" which they define as 30 hours a week over a 12 week period. If you are not capable of doing gainful employment, then you should be considered for an enhanced ill health pension. If you are a Union member, let them do some of the work advice for you. All decisions are subject to professional medical opinions. Talking to your employer about how you are now is important so that they can offer assistance where possible. In the end your health is far more important than how your absence affects your colleagues. A drop in income is scary, of course, I am facing the same situation now. My wife and daughter would prefer me to be well before anything else. You have had lots of helpful replies on this, and I wish you well for the future.

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to M45984371

Thank you, and my husband, like your wife, would like me well first and foremost too, so it’s a massive blessing to know he will have my back whatever I decide

Jeppy profile image
Jeppy

Hi just to say my heart goes to you and like others do understand, we are in this together

For me I drastically had to reduce working hours (as a single parent it's tough Rd as I wasn't given pip and I rested in between each work call and halved wage)

Just to say, I came out of the other side financially when moved and there IS light at end of tunnel however you feel right now, your body is saying look after me now, I learned we aren't infallible and to respect myself first as hard as it is as I always put others first and still put my adult children first out of love and habit

.....agree, you have to do what is right for you. For me I actually took care allowance at some point and supported mum which I had promised myself I'd do, it's all about being true to yourself in challenging circumstances, and this is not selfish, it's surviving through it, until one day a lot of it is behind you -

if try the mindfulness u tube videos, it helped me keep perspective of life, and lowering stress and worry is always a good thing - my groin pai. Is less after it :)

Lots of good wishes, and good advice above xx

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to Jeppy

Thank you, there’s a glimmer of hope in the notion of surviving it until most of it is behind me, so thanks for that x

Floralqueens profile image
Floralqueens

You need to request via your Headteacher an appointment with Occupational Health. They will then discuss with you your current position (health/work) then may have some suggestion. As a retired Headteacher, the advice and guidance OH give schools is very powerful and schools need to act on the information to help/assist the employee.

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to Floralqueens

Thank you. I would do this if I thought there was anything that could actually be done, but there are only so many reasonable adjustments that can be expected when you work with 3 year olds..... pint size chairs and picking things up off the floors are a non negotiable part of the territory really! My head is actually better informed than most about RA as her husband has the same condition, and I’m aware that he has just returned to work after a long sick spell, so I do at least have her comprehension of some of what I’m going through. I just don’t want to be that unreliable person..... I never was, and I don’t want to start now. My hours were adjusted two years ago down to a three day week, which at the time was great, is now another whole level of exhauation

Floralqueens profile image
Floralqueens in reply to girli1111

An appointment would not be wasted and may help your case if you should need to give up work. Any additional information on your career/personal record is valuable. When I was a mainstream teacher, I was in Early Years, the chairs are tiny and then so is everything else! Good Luck and I hope life improves for you.

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to Floralqueens

Thank you. I will ask tomorrow for an appointment to be arranged

Floralqueens profile image
Floralqueens in reply to girli1111

😘

TheBoys profile image
TheBoys

Hi..

A year ago I was in a similar situation

Inflammatory Arthritis, waiting to see a Rheumy and living on Naproxen for relief. I d soldiered on to the point I also had a slipped disc, tooth abscess and finally a BCC on my face.. my partner had a cantankerous old dad to boot which took up her time. I also had a job I loved.

I was going into work on Saturdays to catch up and I suddenly saw myself as others did ..a wrecked person in pain. That was it, I went sick. I m not a skiver so after a couple of weeks when i inevitably came under the auspices of HR and their sickness management, i confounded them and resigned..giving my full three months notice. I was in such pain i thought b#$$@&ks to this and decided this wasn't living.

We d paid the mortgage off and next year i get my reduced pension at 55 but in the meantime ww are doing fine financially. Her dad got carer support every day as he had terminal cancer and passed away a few months ago. If your mum needs it, she can get carer support but dont let yourself be used by her.

Now, a fter a year , the fatigue has lifted, RA is generally under control apart from a few side effects and moans.. to the point that I have joined a gym. My next challenge is my weight as i have hit the biscuits a lot.

So in nutshell, start living your life for you.. we never have long. Sod the job,put your notice in and relax a bit and look after yourself. Let some one else have a turn now. Dont worry about money, things always work out .believe me x

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to TheBoys

Thank you so much! I think I’m going to have to look into the ill health pension aspects before I just resign, as I don’t want to cut off my nose to spite my face as it were! I won’t have a big pension as I’m on a small salary, and have worked part time at several points in my working life, but altogether I must have about 20 years service in the local government pension scheme

Bookworm55 profile image
Bookworm55

I do feel for you. Working in Early Years is so demanding - physically and emotionally.- as I know from my own experience. I was diagnosed literally the month after I retired at 60 but am sure I developed RA some 5 years at least before that. I had spent years visiting elderly, ailing parents 60 miles away most weekends and felt truly ‘burnt out’.

One thing I would say is that advice (via a nurse friend )that getting ‘on top’ of the pain is paramount to be able to think clearly. The same is true of fatigue but that is even more difficult.

RA2002 profile image
RA2002

Really sorry to hear your story - I had a demanding job and was having constant flare-ups. When the opportunity came I took redundancy which gave me a bit of cash and time to re-assess things. I was about the same age as you btw. What I did find when I was ready to return to (part-time) work was the prejudice against someone of my age. It did take me much longer than I thought to get a suitable role but I persevered and now I work in a completely different environment where there is a great deal of physical effort required but lots of interaction with the general public and every day is different. The job ends when I leave the building and that is brilliant. My flare-ups are so much less frequent now even though I am always on my feet and I have the time to do lots of swimming which I am convinced helps enormously. Beware having too much time on your hands if you do decide to give up work - people are all too ready to fill that time for you and not necessarily in a good way!

BonnieG123 profile image
BonnieG123

So sorry for your pains. Is there any hope of a hip replacement?

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to BonnieG123

My hip hasn’t even ever been looked at.... hip pain is quite a new symptom for me

Chester02 profile image
Chester02

I was in this position albeit a different career when I was in my 30’s due to RA. I was struggling so much and having long term sick leave that eventually the Occupational Doctor called me in and after discussing my health issues declared me “clinically depressed” and didn’t comment at all on how it was the RA which was causing the problems! Hopeless! I was so gobsmacked but was able to retire early on health grounds. I’ve had a few jobs here and there for short periods of time but it was just too much. Mentally we want to work in the job we like but physically it sometimes isn’t possible.Im around your age and I think you’ve done extremely well to have been working as long as you have. Only you can make that decision but ideally I think you would be better not working. Good luck in whatever decision you make xx

Allije profile image
Allije

I too was in early years, but having had RA since I was 27 (now 62) I knew what was coming and had lots of years to plan ahead. I took opportunities for further training and education along the way and am now working as a part time SVQ assessor for childcare students. Their work is online so I can access it when I am able to and for short periods at home.

I do occasional visits to childcare settings for observations but I can plan for these and pace accordingly the previous days.

I am lucky to still be working after so many years of RA and there is no doubt in my mind that keeping busy and feeling 'productive' is wonderful for my mental health.

As I write this I am just home from foot surgery and will be out of action for 6 weeks, but I will dip into my assessing in a few days and mark some work which will distract me from the pain (and boredom of being stuck indoors).

With all your early years experience you will accrued a wealth of knowledge and skills that you can take forward with you and while further training or education may not be available to you perhaps a change in direction is possible.

For me it has been important to stay busy and also stay connected to people, which my present role has allowed.

When I think about giving up work I can't imagine what I would do with my time as, like you probably, I am not fit to join walking groups or go to classes and such like.

This may not be of any help, but I want you to know that there other opportunities out there and it sounds like you too are not ready to give up on work yet. Good luck with whatever road you decide on.

KittyJ profile image
KittyJ in reply to Allije

This was me too at 27 Allije except I had to take early retirement then too. I now do some very part time work but it keeps me sane. We all have skills it’s just redirecting them into something that doesn’t affect our health. It took me a long time to get to where I am now, starting with voluntary work but I did get there in the end 😊

rab1874 profile image
rab1874

Do what’s best for your health, I had to give up my work at 50 with the local authority after 23 years and struggling at work last couple of years I’m 54 now and it’s the best decision I’ve made for my health having RA,OA and Angina, I can plan my day accordingly and am not letting my work colleagues down, it’s a big decision but your healths a priority, you could apply for pip and esa maybe go to citizens advice or even phone the NRAS helpline and they will give you good advice, good luck xxx

Veesley profile image
Veesley

I have a feeling you are defecienr in some minerals or vitamins. I am so serious when I tell you this happened to me. You need to get tested by your Dr. but if you dont you can still add these supplements to your diet without any harm. B12 and magnessium are very important, and we start to deplete over the age of forty. Have you had your iron checked? I am a female and my symptoms were the same. B12 is for our red cells, energy, and magnesium is for our muscles. \i do not know where you live, but I buy B12 over the counter. You have to get the right kind. B12 - Methylcobalamin 1000mcg. You put it under your tongue. Daily. If you are taking a blood thinner speak to your Dr. That is the only medicine, if you are taking it, that can cause a problem, maybe. I buy my magnessium at the health store. When you are depleted in either of these supplements, it caused the symptoms you are experiencing. Iron should be checked for sure by the DR. The pain is for sure magnessium defeciency and B12 is lack of energy.

KittyJ profile image
KittyJ in reply to Veesley

Veesley girli1968 has RA and is in a flare you really can’t diagnose her with a deficiency. I have these symptoms too but I am not deficient. By all means suggest she gets checked but please don’t say that you’re sure it is that. 😊

Lynnca34695 profile image
Lynnca34695

I have been using Medical Marijuana in pill form fir 3 months now. I found that taking the pill at night helps me sleep incredibly well. It calms me down to be able to sleep.

No more drugs other than Humeria and Methotrexate and I am easing down in methotrexate. Take folic acid every year.

Lynnca34695 profile image
Lynnca34695

Every day!! Oops!

Leics profile image
Leics

I also had to make the hard decision of finally giving up my job at the age of 49. I loved my job it meant everything to me but I got to the stage where you are now. I was so exhausted and the pain I was in was totally off the scale. I think you have to be honest with yourself and do what is right for you. In my case I was medically retired due to ill health and I worked for the NHS which I suppose helped. I had to bite the bullet and go on sick leave for about 6 months and then attend a tribunal which was a formality although you do find out that the colleagues you thought were friends were not. After I was retired (I was kind of pushed into it but they were right). I applied for ESA which I got straight away and was put in the support group. I also get my pension which was at the rate it would have been if I hadn’t retired early. I have also been moved over from DLA to PIP and have been awarded it for 10 years. My 1st thoughts are that although I still miss my job even after 7 years I know that I would have had to leave and should have earlier than I did. I know I will never be able to work again but at least I’m able to pace myself and at least can enjoy a bit of family life even if I’m mainly housebound. If there’s nowhere else to go with your rheumy and doc to help with the suffering you are having to endure, go get a sick note and take care of yourself please, eventually you will look back and won’t regret it. You don’t have to make a hasty decision it will give you time to take stock discuss it with your family and move forward. I had a great work ethic and given a choice I would still be at work every day and not have to get benefits but I can’t help that I have uncontrolled RA amongst other things and neither can you. No-one is irreplaceable at any job and the children will still remember you fondly and your friends will still be your friends if that is indeed what they are and not just colleagues. Time to care for yourself and not think of others for a while at least.

Veesley profile image
Veesley

I am truly sorry, I did not see the RA diagnosis. Thank you for pointing that out to me.

KittyJ profile image
KittyJ in reply to Veesley

No problem😊

Veesley profile image
Veesley

I am a little to fast to share what I have experienced. But yes, B12 and magnessium are a very important supplement for everyone. Drs. when they test you will say that you are normal because the range is so large. But here in Canada BC. I am connected to my results and see when I have dropped in any of my minerals or supplements, so I take the bull by the horns and have looked after myself and feel amazing.

GranAmie profile image
GranAmie

really feel 4u have just seen your post,.but am gonna be practical.

1 are you part-time termtime pro-rata pay etc. as

2. p/timers can have diffs re sick pay/sick leave..

3. u have a union to advise you?

4 apply for PIP with CAB help - ASAP

5. your mother needs to be told that you have a serious disease

and cannot support her physically etc .... and someone else shd tell her [family members frequently dismiss it all].

6. who could help YOU on a practical level?

7. Surviving this is about pacing yourself, as well as meds.

i cd go on and on, but will later

gentlehugs XOX

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to GranAmie

With respect, my mother knows I’m ill, her personality is such that if someone else is ill, she’s more ill.... it’s very sad really. As for family.... one brother emigrated, and she’s managed to alienate every one of her 9 siblings at various times. Two years ago I had several medical emergencies in quick succession, I had two emergency surgeries and I had a day.... her response was to come and ‘look after me’ which meant sitting on my sofa across the room from me telling me what a spiteful man my father was for hours on end, . a man who she split from over 25 years ago, but she lives in a constant state of high stress. My bloods before this episode were ok. I had another blood test Friday, and I left message of advice line, but they’ve not returned my call yet. I am in a union, but doubt I’m sufficiently ‘disabled’ to qualify for any support or early pension.

I’m not going to work this coming week and beyond that I’m in discussion about an alternative role for me.

GranAmie profile image
GranAmie in reply to girli1111

ok, wish u an early resolution to all yr probs

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to GranAmie

Thank you x

Fruitandnutcase profile image
Fruitandnutcase

First of all if you give up work would you need to tell your mother? Unless she lives with you then if I were you I would just not mention it!

I gave up teaching full time when I was 50. There were all sorts of things wrong in our school and I had just had enough.

I liked the staff and was very good friends with several of them but once I was out of it we drifted apart! I developed Graves Disease which probably contributed to us going our separate ways. I used to feel sad about it but I do different things now - I just think of the saying ‘friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime’ and decided that my teach8ng colleagues weren’t friends for a lifetime.

For two years I volunteered with a charity for three days a week then I took a part time 20 hour a week job with a library.

All this was back at a time when teaching was particularly stressful - isn’t it always - and a lot of people in nearby local schools were getting medical retirement on enhanced rates. Back then I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing that but looking back I probably should have done, I was as stressed as any of the people I knew who did it and my GP would have supported me but I didn’t want to be seen as ‘weak’. So I just left. Looking back I sometimes think ‘silly me’ but I really had had enough of how things were going.

I remember being totally amazed when I worked in the library that when it was time for you to go home - unlike teaching where I worked at home every night and always on one day at the weekend, not t mention keeping at it until things were done. So you could ‘retire’ and find something part time that you would enjoy doing and that is far less taxing than teaching and most likely without the responsibilities that go with teaching.

Just keep quiet about it and don’t tell your mother - especially as she is unpleasant and abusive - no reason why she should find out.

gailyb profile image
gailyb

I went through the same dilemma, I work in a busy pharmacy and was on my feet all day in work. I felt guilty asking for help. I was absolutely shattered, I even had my hours cut but was still trying to fit everything in .My boss finally sent me to occupational health and both they and my Rheumatologist told me that I'm never going to improve unless I quit work, I didn't want to finish, I've been with the same company for 23 years, Anyway I've just given up work a little over 6 weeks ago and already I feel better in myself. Its just not worth the pain. We have to look after ourselves as no one else will. Also I have applied for pips and just got it on Friday. So that helps me.

girli1111 profile image
girli1111

Thank you. What you are saying makes lots of sense to me right now, I don’t think I have the fight in me to try for early pension etc, and I also think I could be capable of work, just not classroom work! As for mum, the thought of not telling her has occurred to me... will have to think that one through.... we live in the same town and I don’t want to live a lie and be a prisoner in my own home for fear of her seeing me out and about! Lots to think about, thanks for replying

Fruitandnutcase profile image
Fruitandnutcase in reply to girli1111

You’ll discover there’s a whole new world out there without all the stresses and demands of teaching.

Bit tricky if your mother lives in the same town and gets out and about - if you did bump into her you could always say you are on a training course or have something catching and that she wouldn’t want to be in contact with you for.

You have my sympathy, my mother could be a very difficult and at times unpleasant woman but fortunately she lived 400 miles away. Good luck with it all anyway.

girli1111 profile image
girli1111 in reply to Fruitandnutcase

Thank you. My headteacher has been superb - her partner has RA- I’ve taken sick leave this week to take some pressure away, and moving forward there is a possibility of a role in school for less hours, and far less physical involvement, which I think could work for both me and the school. It’s a bit of a taboo to speak about ones own parent in such a negative way, and those who haven’t experienced the stress that such a relationship can bring are most fortunate in not really having a clue about how conflicted this feels. Thanks for your time and your thoughts. One thing I’m absolutely clear about is that I need to remove some stress from my situation with immediate effect.

in reply to girli1111

Things look more hopeful for you now. Rest and recharge this week . So happy things have taken a better turn.

So get you with this parent thing.

Fruitandnutcase profile image
Fruitandnutcase in reply to girli1111

That sounds really good. Like you say removing the immediate stress will be a huge help to you. Relax and enjoy your time off, rest, be kind to yourself and do things that make you feel good - don’t feel guilty and don’t think about work - I know what teachers are like 😉 and hopefully you will end up in a new role that will do the trick with your health.

Agree with J1707 below - I think you might find a lot more people than you imagine understand how things can be with a difficult parent so don’t feel bad about it.

KittyJ profile image
KittyJ in reply to girli1111

I’m glad you have taken some time off girli. It will give you space to rest and think about things going forward x

GranAmie profile image
GranAmie

yes - and put so well, hope girli will listen x

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