WHEN WILL I LEARN

All my life I have been very kind to my family helping them when they have had financial problems and always being there for them when they have had problems. And I am the one who always gets slapped in the face. My brother has 3 daughters one who told a lie about me and the other I was really good to and helped her and her family in a real big financial way they wouldn't be in there home of today if it was not for me. I treated this one like a daughter and she gave me the biggest slap of everyone because when she did I was so very ill and I was still there for her. I would go out everyday with her to get her stuff for her home and at that time I was in horrendous pain and I did not know I had 5 fractures in my spine. The day before I left her she brought me a bottle of perfume. I said my goodbyes to her and made my way to the airport and on my way home I collapsed on the plane and the same thing happened on the way back. Once I got home I received a text message from her to say that she and her family would not be coming for Christmas and that was a massive shock to be after her seeing how ill I was and she said that I had not been very nice to her and myself and husband could not believe this and due to this I got very ill and went into a massive flare and ended up in hospital. Then 2 days ago I said to my brother that if his other daughter wanted to come to my house then I would be ok about it as I thought I would rise above her lie about me. Once my brother arrived with one of her other daughters and he said she did not want to come and we ended up having a massive argument and he said I started it and for the first time in my 61 years I stood up for myself and after he had gone I must admit it felt good as I was not left with it all still inside me. He and his partner split one year ago and I fully furnished his hole house and had it fully decorated for him. This is only a little off what I have had to put up with from my family. So when will I learn to stop being so kind to people and stand up for myself more.

12 Replies

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  • Today?

    I am sorry to hear of your experience Jan , what a difficult time for you. It is so terribly hurtful when one goes out ones way to help people, ezpeciallnclose friends and family, to be treated with such disrespect and disregard.

    I think it may be time to step away and let them get on with things themselves. I have a feeling they'll need you, before you need them but maybe your absence will help them think about their actions and the way they've treated you.

    The best scenario is they will learn from this, genuinely change their ways and you may find yourself able to forgive in time and move on.

    Right now, it sounds to me like you should focus on yourself and your husband and just move away from all the negativity and enjoy life as much as you can - you're worth it!

    Marie

  • Hi Marie thank you so much for your advice. I think that you are absolutely right. I am going to really try and see what the future hold. Thank you so much you have helped a lot. It's really good when you see things from other people point of view. Thank you so much. Please take good care of yourself. Jan101 😘😘👍xx

  • You too Jan and the best of luck with things.

    Marie

  • Hi Eiram50

    I couldn't have said it any better. Unfortunately we learn through experience,and I've had a few similar to the ones that Jan101 has gone through - I think that's why it hits us so hard when it does happens,because we were brought up to treat people as we would want to be treated,so when it doesn't happen,and even more so with very close family and friends,it just hurts so much because we just can't comprehend treating anyone else that way. It takes time,basically because we're the nicest of the bunch,which is why we keep helping thinking they'll change one day,but there has to be a line drawn,and it sounds as though they've shown their true colours now,you have more than enough to worry and deal with without this negativity around you. Focus on you for once,and as Marie says,they'll definitely need you before you need them - hopefully in that time they'll come to realise exactly how spiteful and hurtful their actions have been,if not,it's their loss.... what is it they say.... you can pick your friends,but not your family!! Never a truer word said.

    Concentrate on you,and getting yourself better again,and hopefully everything else will fall back into place over time.

    All the best

    Nicki x

  • Unfortunately, people are often unpleasant to those who help them. They don't like the feeling that they should be grateful for the help that they have received and become resentful towards the donor. They often pick up on any small slight and magnify it so that they can justify being unpleasant. Look how whole nations behave to others who donate - and that is the same for individuals.

    The only way is to feel good about what you have done for yourself. Helping others makes us feel good and improves our own health. But don't expect any thanks!

  • Thank you oldtimer that is very true. I am going to try and learn now. But if it's in your characteristics it can be very hard to change but I am going too really try now. Thank you for your advice. I truly hope that you are feeling as well as you can. Take good care of yourself. Jan101 xxx

  • Couldnt have put it better oldtimer .

    And it seems to be the more you do for people they come to just expect it,and not an inkling of gratitude at all,and the less they think of you.

    I have helped out 2 members of my family on a regular basis over the years,not just financially but giving one of them a home on 2 occassions when they had nowhere else to go.These were supposedly only short term loans but have become donations as there has been no offer of repayment and I brought up the subject once they said its always a bad time for money.

    Yet on a recent stay in hospital they didnt bother to visit me or phone to ask how I was.

    So I decided from that point the purse was well and truly closed.

    I dont expect them to go down on bended knees and give thanks everyday but a phone call after a serious event which put me in hospital wasnt going to cost a lot.

    So Jan101 time to close your purse and start to put yourself first.Perhaps when these people have to stand on their own two feet they may just appreciate what you have done to help,but of course that doesnt take back the hurtful comments and behaviour towards you.

    Take care jan.

    Crusee

    XX

  • Hi Crusee I am really going to try now as I fully understand what you are saying and you also have experienced a similar situation. It can really hurt but we can learn and get stronger and as you say the purses are closed. 😀😀😀 I as sorry to hear that they never contacted you when you where in hospital that is absolutely unforgivable. You take good care of yourself and keep your purse closed. Jan101 xxx

  • Zip is already jammed tight Jan101

    Just waiting for the next loan request to come and I have a feeling it wont be long.

    And good for you for trying to put hubby and yourself first.Together you can be strong,and hurtful words and actions wont touch you.

    Take care.

    Crusee

    XX

  • Thank you Crusee or should I call you zippi 😀 Good for you I will take a good lesson from you. I am definitely going to be strong. No more is my key word. Wishing you good luck when they come around again. They are just what I call takers in life and not even bothered to inquire how you where doing when you were in hospital is really bad. Take good care of yourself. Jan xxx

  • Thinking of you jan as I know all too well how it feels to be s**t on. Remind yourself each and every day that you are the better person. don't swim oceans for those who wouldn't jump a puddle for you. I learnt the hard way and you certainly discover the people that genuinely care about you and your well being

  • Thank you Debba I really need to learn and not be there for them all as I agree with you about crossing the ocean and puddles. I do have some very kind people so I am lucky in that respect. I truly hope that you are feeling as well as you can be. Take good care of yourself. Jan101 xxx

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