This is maybe my 8th attempt in the last two months.
Today I feasted with 18 espressos and X cigarettes.
I already miss the neurotrasmittorial orgasm from all of this ****.
From tomorrow I'll be a masochist and ****ing hate myself all the time and hate the world because I really love to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and I would pass my whole life doing just that.
I will make this website my home and post every single **** that comes to my mind while I walk into the very depths of hell.
In ten years I've been living my life inserting nicotine in my body like a coin into a vending machine.
I already want a smoke but I smoked my last one like 15 minutes ago. And this is just the beginning.
I already imagine my brain when tomorrow at 3:00 pm it's gonna be saying **** like: COME ON DUDE, YOU CAN SMOKE ONE, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE IT. YOU ARE REALLY A RETARDED BECAUSE YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOUR IMPULSES. LOOK AT ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO SMOKE ONLY OCCASIONALLY. YOU CAN DO THAT TOO, MATE, COME ON, DON'T BE TOO HARSH ON YOURSELF, YOU ARE NOT LOVING YOURSELF ENOUGH IF YOU DON'T DO THAT. AND ANYWAY THIS **** IS SOMETHING THAT YOU CANNOT GO COLDTURKEY SO STRONGLY ON, YOU REALLY DAMAGE YOURSELF, YOU ARE NOT RESPECTING YOURSELF DUDE, COME ON, GO BUY IT, SMOKE ONE AND THEN STORE IT SOMEWHERE. YOU KNOW YOU ARE GONNA ****ING LOVE IT, YOU'D PREFER SMOKING A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW THAN HAVE SOME HOT WARM SEX WITH A SMOKING HOTTIE WHO LUSTS AFTER YOU. COME ON DUDE, GO SMOKE.
And then I'm gonna come on this website and act like a little bitch and write everything that comes into my mind and how I hate myself and how I only want to have a coffee and light up a fag.
nope
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Ireally hope you get sick and tired of harvesting those dimps from the bin. You probably dont even think its low life behaviour . I didnt, except when i saw one of my neighbours doing it. he looked a proper scroat bag . I bet i did too, well i know i did. and stunk like a skunk proper offensive. but there was always a cigarette to hide behind. Ispent weeks ummin and arrrin. should i stay or should i go now, Well i went and im glad i no longer sit on the fence. At the end of the day smoking has absolutely nothing going for it . I too used to love coffee and a cigarette ,just one then another one. I kept telling myself .the truth hit me like a high speed train one day did i really want to continue smoking all of those hundreds of thousands of cigarettes and only ever enjoying one or two of them.? i told myself yes then gave myself a slap . the truth is was and ever shall be .the fantasy is always better than a real cigarette . I hope you get it soon.
Ireally hope you get sick and tired of harvesting those dimps from the bin. You probably dont even think its low life behaviour . I didnt, except when i saw one of my neighbours doing it. he looked a proper scroat bag . I bet i did too, well i know i did. and stunk like a skunk proper offensive. but there was always a cigarette to hide behind. Ispent weeks ummin and arrrin. should i stay or should i go now, Well i went and im glad i no longer sit on the fence. At the end of the day smoking has absolutely nothing going for it . I too used to love coffee and a cigarette ,just one then another one. I kept telling myself .the truth hit me like a high speed train one day did i really want to continue smoking all of those hundreds of thousands of cigarettes and only ever enjoying one or two of them.? i told myself yes then gave myself a slap . the truth is was and ever shall be .the fantasy is always better than a real cigarette . I hope you get it soon.
M
You seem like you exactly know what I'm talking about.
Anyway on what should have been Day 1, I threw everything out of my car.
Then went without problems or worries until the next day. I was so relieved that I had no chance to reach for tobacco.
Then on day 2 I visited a girlfriend and I started borrowing her tobacco.
Then on the way home I was so cool and relaxed I stopped at a pit stop and bought everything again. The evening went on chain-smoking.
On the day after (today), I was so ****ing damning my life for the **** hole I'm finding myself in right now, with various professional and private problems, and fighting with toxic shame where I believe that anything I do will always be wrong. Now I just flushed all this **** down the toilet since I am convinced my caffeine and nicotine addiction is promoting the neurosis I've been finding myself in for the last 3 years.
I think it was the Jesus dude said a divided house will not stand. all that ummin an arrin will cause mad mental conflict. back and forth chewin up good smober time. get a quit on the boil and just give it and yourself a chance . Its no sacrifice its wanting something better. Been there done it turned the t shirt into an oily rag which i clean my bike chain with.
Eventually gave in again at the top of the cravings 2 hours ago.
I could feel that I could resist it but I told myself, **** it, I may as well get a nicotine rush cuz otherwise I'd do nothing all day anyway I'll just be bored etc.
Smoked it and jesus, it was so ****ing awesome. Now I'm smoking the second one.
Anyway I noticed after the rush I get really tired and stomach cramps.
About Allen Carr. Tried the method together with a friend 4 years ago. The friend got fully brainwashed and stopped smoking and started publicizing the method to everyone. Since I'm an arrogant retarded **** full of myself, obviously, since the method is mainstream I couldn't allow myself to buy into this mainstream ****. I instead cared much more of proving my intellectual superiority (which is actually retardedness) being a snob and a gayass hipster etc. and obviously I was already convinced that the method couldn't work for me.
Long story short I lit a cigarette 48h after watching an Allen Carr video (didn't read the book, it's the same principles anyway about emotional phasing etc.). I simply felt empowered that I could go on without smoking and without feeling the need to smoke and just lighted another one in total nonchalance.
This is also called the sad insecure nerd syndrome where you always feel the need to validate yourself as the smartass superior, where everybody is instead thinking that you are just a stupid retarded snob.
Anyway I'm simply puking bull**** right now. I could as well not think of all this **** but as I stated I'm having a **** period and I feel the necessity to act like an attention whore and shout all the self-hating **** that comes into my mind. This obviously identifies how much non-real all this is, and how much we are simply slaves of emotional states that were instilled to us as children, and often just feel the need to produce thoughts starting from those emotional states.
I could feel that I could resist it but I told myself, **** it, I may as well get a nicotine rush cuz otherwise I'd do nothing all day anyway I'll just be bored etc.
If you feel like that, I think you need to ask if you do intend to quit.
If you do then you need to plan it, decide what NRT to use (you clearly can't do cold turkey) and so on. If not, well that's up to you.
Please don't brag about smoking though, this is a quitting forum
For me to be on day 11 and feeling great is just crazy. Like you, I have NO willpower! I use to givein to the urges and the crazy talk in my head all the time. Until now, I actually believe I can do this!! I've told myself I no longer want to be a smoker, I hate smoking and everything about it. I do not want to be an addict that lets a substance control my thinking!! I will no longer be a slave to nicotine.
Easier said then done.. Yea.. I've had some BAD days!! I'm using an electronic cigarette and it is helping!! I know I want to be completely free within 30days.. but to break the habit it is my crutch and I'm finally finding myself becoming free!!
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Day 9 -The Struggle Continues
Day two and still feeling good
