A blip, a slip and a revelation

Okay guys. Having been a member of this forum for some time I have kept the majority of my posts simple. Doing this I have made a lot of friends and I think they will be friends for life. I hope you will indulge me with this post. I am a naturally creative person and one of the ways I express myself is through writing. It’s amazing how much you can get off your chest through writing and it also allows thoughts that may not otherwise be expressible.

The first 6 months of this year were total hell for me. And the cause of the hell was my ex. I was in a relationship were he was in full control and it looked to the outside world like I was happy. The only people who saw through this were my true friends and my family. It took me a year of being with this man to realise what her was doing to me. When I finally finished with him, after catching him cheating for the 3rd time and being put in hospital by him, I decided that my life needed to change. I decided that the real me was coming back and that I would never be controlled again. This is what led me to quit smoking.

I am just back from Dublin where I went to see Kelly Clarkson in concert. It was her latest album got me through the roughest time in my life. I was meant to go with my ex but rather than waste 2 tickets and let him ruin something I enjoy I decided to go alone. This was a mistake in one way but not in another. The reason it was a mistake was that I had a blip – yes, after 8 weeks of not smoking I had a smoke. Normally this would be the end of the world for me but this time it isn’t and below are my reasons why.

On my previous quits when I failed I would have automatically went right back to smoking and continued until I got to my next quit. This time that is not even an option. My brain just won’t let me think of myself as a smoker. My blip caused a revelation. I am a non smoker. I do not smoke. I have no desire to smoke and certainly no need. I did have times when I thought I was missing something but all it did was show me that I am missing nothing. I did not get one bit of enjoyment, real or false. Neither did I get a sense of relief. I have now seen through the trap that is smoking and I think I can safely say I have conquered it.

As the last song in her set Kelly Clarkson sang “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. I have now realised this to be true. Not smoking is not going to kill me. Not smoking does not cause me any discomfort. Not smoking doesn’t mean I miss out on anything that smokers get. In fact, not smoking is the best present I can give to my body, my heart, my mind and my soul.

I know there will be those who say that I slipped and should go back to day 1 and I say now that you can have your opinion and are more than welcome to share it. I am not going to get in to any arguments over what day I am on because in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. I don't mean to be disrespectful to peoples opinions, this is just how I feel. What matters to me is that I have now seen myself as what I truly am… a non smoker.

Years after reading Allen Carr’s Easyway to Stop Smoking I now get what he means. You get a moment where everything clicks in your head. This is what I imagine Magic is feeling when he posts. I am not a person who posts positive messages like his… he is just a positive person and someone who I hope to class as a friend on this forum for a long time to come.

I realise that this is quite a post and thank you for taking the time to read it. I won’t be as active on the forum from here on out but I am by no means leaving it. I have made a hell of a lot of friends here and this is the way that we communicate. And I would like to offer support to those who need it. And I have a great deal of gratitude for those who have helped me in my journey. Stay strong and you will get there guys.

16 Replies

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  • Now you listen here mark, you are not - i repaeat NOT going back to any day 1 ok! that is not going to happen. You are a true olympian and we need and want you in our group! Who gives a monkeys chuff what day anyone is on anyway? No-one has the right to judge so dont worry about that.

    You are also damn right that you have me as your friend, i hope i have you as my friend too.

    I admire you so much for writing that. :)

  • Ahh bless you Mark if i was able too give you a great big hug i would you such an inspiration and a gem

    I have been in two controlling relationships in my life and so can relate to where you come from

    The fact you have managed to sort yourself out and in the process stop smoking shows what a strong man you are

    I say BRAVO For not letting a moment of indulging in something that used to be a big part of your life and being able to walk away again and not get hooked back into smoking shows how much you have changed for the better

    Dont be a stranger my friend even if its just to take a peek at my cat pics

    ;)

    :p

    :)

    SENDING YOU ((VIRTUAL HUGS))

    XXX

  • Whole-heartedly agree with what the others have said. It's a thought-provoking post and it's brilliant that you have had your Eureka moment as far as cigs are concerned. Oh and as far as the controller is concerned too. You are well out of that relationship, just as much as you are well out of the one with the cigs, actually.

    I just love Kelly Clarkson. She writes from the heart and what she knows ,I believe. The one that gets me is "Because of you". I was that little girl in that video.

    Hugs

    xxx

  • A slip is very different from a fall.

    Shame you won't be as active as many would benefit from your experience.

    All the best

  • Get right back on that horse and make sure it doesn't happen again!!!

    Its when a slip turns into slips and then back on its what i've found.

    The monster'll tell you just one you've already proven that you can just have one... dont listen to it!!!

    Huge congratulations on ditching the man too... sounds like a complete nobber, which you are not. Happy Freeeedom....

    You rock... he does not... simple

    Biiiig hugs xxx

  • Hi Mark, Thanks for posting that. I will read that again and take it in more. You have been lovely on this forum in a quiet and dignified manner, It really upsets me that you were once in a controlling relationship because I know how that feels and it is not good, However good for you for getting out of it. Thanks again for being there and sharing your experience with us!

  • Now you listen here mark, you are not - i repaeat NOT going back to any day 1 ok! that is not going to happen. You are a true olympian and we need and want you in our group! Who gives a monkeys chuff what day anyone is on anyway? No-one has the right to judge so dont worry about that.

    I admire you so much for writing that. :)

    I would have said what he said but probably not as well!

    :) You won't be defeated Mark.

  • I admire your strength and honesty Mark, what a post!

    Like you I too have been quit for 8 weeks now (I am also an Olympic Quitter) and although I don't post very often I frequently look in so I do know how well you have done.

    I would say that you should just forget the 'blip' now, it sounds as though, if anything, it has only reinforced the fact that smoking is definitely a thing of the past for you now.

    Best wishes

    Linda x

  • Mark,

    That was such an honest post, from the heart. You've been down, but you've gotbup again. Sending you a hug, and today I'm smelling of lemon shampoo and conditioner, a lavender lenor cardigan, coconut hand cream, chanel chance and M and M Peanut breath, previously it would have been a stale smoky hug!

    Fi x

  • Hi Mark

    Thanks for your post. It may be long, but not too long by even a single word. It is very insightful, and means a lot to me. I know it's going to contribute a lot to my quit in future. Well done on reaching this point in your quit!

    Shanita

  • Hi Mark

    Such a heartfelt post... Made me want to give u a hug ... Good on you for dumping your now ex and dealing with quitting too.. Glad uv came out stronger after ur blip... It's good for the forum and the members that uv acknowledged how much it means to u and the support given by them... As it does for me also... I understand where ur coming from when u talk about how important the day is to u and the thought of going back to day 1...well unthinkable really eh .. Glad to hear ur back on track and wish u all the best .. Hope to keep up with future posts on how ur doing :)

  • Well well well, I disapear for a few days and come back to pandimonium!! Mark, what can I say ? You slipped up, you had a cig, after all this time ? so fxxking what!! you took a drag, so non smokers have never had a fag before ? this does not mean yhour back to day 1 it means your human and your discovering you own ways of life, learning on how to be you as a non smoker and if you want to re-confirm why you stopped by smoking and knowing how bad it was ? then you do that! move on and forgot it :-)

    I am so proud of your acheivements and I understand exactly your past and why you need to find yourself as a person. ( wont go in to detail but you can PM any time you need to chat! )

    Keep going your growing mark your are free from not only cigs but free to live the life your want and so deserve..... never look back.

    D xx

  • Thanks for all your lovely messages guys. It means a lot that so many people care.

    I'm afraid to say that writing everything down brought up some emotions which had been buried inside and I have given in a few times over the last week. I am man enough to admit it. I'm human, I slipped, I need to start again. I had considered knocking a month off the quit time but I don't think this would be fair to everyone who has done so well. And I want to do it right. So tomorrow I come back to the forum full time and I go back to day 1.

    I still have this thing in my head that I feel like a non smoker who has messed up. I am sure this makes this quit easier for me. I have only told my current partner and my mother that I am back on them again and they both know that I will be going back off them soon but they don't know when.

    The big positive that I am taking out of this is that I have finally managed to get rid of most of the emotional bagge I was carrying with me from my ex. I am free of it all which means he no longer has any control over me. And I still find that a cig turns me, I want to vomit. I am disappointed in myself and will continue to be for the rest of the day only. Tomorrow I come back at it full swing and full of positivity.

  • Hi Mark, I know just how you feel. I too went back to day 1 and that was over 4 months ago. I think it is one of the things that stopped me from giving in again.

    I wish you all the very best and know you can do it because you did so well before.

  • Don't beat yourself up Mark. You've been through such a lot but now it's time to put the past behind you and move on.

    As for the quit, well I'm sure you'll soon be back on track - just keep your chin up.

    Linda x

  • Mark good luck today my friend.

    I just want to remind you that you are still very much an Olympic Quitter and you are not allowed to leave our group. I have a letter from The PM saying so as i lobbied him and he agreed ok?

    As for yourself, i am so pleased for you that you are seeing through the fog of a shitty past and moving onwards. Massive repsec, bruv! (god i hate people that talk like that! - innit!)

    :):D

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