Is that what the sense of loss is? That smoking is dead for me? No idea. I was trying to explain to my lady that smoking belonged to me, it was my thing done only by me and f*** anyone else's opinion. Now I have a hole where smoking once was; it's like grief and I "know" it'll go away with a fag. But here's the paradox - I never ever want to smoke again one day at a time. So why the hell am I not enjoying being a non-smoker?
I am 51 years old and started smoking when I was 16; I have tried Hypnosis, Accupuncture, Zyban, Patches, CT, Gum, Reiki, Allen Carr (both books) urgh it feels so shaming to look at all these failures over 35 years. This is the only time I have ever felt that I might just have a chance but it is so sad that whenever I think of enjoying myself my mental picture shows me smoking and smiling. It's not good.
I feel so lost in the mornings. I used to get up before everyone else, let the dogs and hens out then sit on the back step with a coffee and a fag - my favourite time of day. Now I lay in bed awake for an hour until my lady wakes up and we go down together. An hour laying there trying not to think about how I don't know what to do with myself.
I have put up some right miserable-arsed posts lately and I sincerely apologise for the tone but I am where I am at the moment.
The good bit: Not had a single puff for 5 weeks.