Nicotoddler Hired A Hit Man...LOL

Day 18 yesterday & no, I didn't smoke. But boy, it's been quite a while - smoking or not smoking that I've had such a miserable day. I've been getting a grip on cravings & triggers... the day to day stuff we all go through.

What I didn't expect yesterday was a protracted visit from all my old demons & past emotional traumas. I was stuck in a smokers stew filled with lumps of loathing, diced dysfunction, hunks of hatred, little bits of 'not good enough' floating in there & all seasoned with sadness, fear, despair... oh, it was a LOVELY day!

I was very glad I was working alone because I couldn't stop the tears streaming down my face. When I wasn't revisting old childhood traumas, (really nasty childhood), I was regretting bad decisions as an adult, going through the 'if onlies' & of course I wanted to smoke. I was rational enough to know it wouldn't make me feel better but it would have been FAMILIAR.

Funny how when we're miserable, we can dive right back into behaviours & attitudes we know in our saner moments don't help one bit. But we KNOW these behaviours & we KNOW teir consequences - bad or good. I think I have a lot of fear of the unknown tucked away inside me - even if it's good unknowns. I more than suspect I have more than my share of fear of success too. I'll have to watch that as I progress - it might lead to attempts at self sabotage.

Don't know how I got through yesterday - I just wanted the day OVER. I met hubby at the supermarket after work - we wanted to get the last of the 'big' shopping done. That badly needed doing but it was another ordeal. The store was overly hot & crowded. I ended up with a horrid attack of claustophobia & I'm not prone to that! Never did it feel so good to pay & walk out into cool evening air.

Made it home, got our meal made & was in bed by eight thirty - I simply couldn't stand being around myself anymore. I didn't sleep right through - kept waking up in full on pout/sulk mode... a classic case of the 'poor little mes'. I stayed in bed. Got up around four this morning to get a drink, then went back to bed until eight.

I feel much better today emotionally but I'm tired of being tired. That's the one thing about this Quit that's surprised me - just how tiring it's been. I don't think about smoking/not smoking 24/7 but it's in my mind a LOT. I think that's some sort of phase my brain has to work through. But it's annoying & as mentioned, very tiring.

I really didn't lose a lot of Christmas prep time yesterday.. we're keeping the holidays fairly low key this year with the two of us being very new, fragile quitters & two of the three adult children are away. I'm glad it's a small Christmas. I'm not sure how easily I'd handle anything too festive.

3 Replies

  • Hi Sue

    Sounds like a nightmare - I can remember a few of my early days going through some similar "head" issues, which isn't like me at all.

    But like all the physical symptoms, it is so worth gritting your teeth and getting through it in whatever way you can. You will come out stronger on the other side, and will have added to your toolkit for beating those feelings next time they visit.

  • Hi Sue,

    I wish you were down the road and we could meet for a drink!!!

    Self sabotage! Yes, I know what you mean and I am so close.

    Tonight spent the evening with mostly non-smoking friends and told them all how my quit was likely to fail. They were sympathetic, but not really understanding. I walked home and spent 5 minutes outside the garage staring at the tobacco. A part of me urging to go in...ohh it'd be so nice..inhaling that lovely smoke. The other part of me ..knowing what? What do I know really?

    I am a smoker. It's so difficult Sue. I almost want to fail. Smoking is what I know. I don't want this battle in my head. As you say, it's tiring.

    I don't know how I'll get through the next few days. I'm trying not to think too much...just react to what is happening.

    I wish you all the best for day 19. Hope it's a better one. Keep at it!!


  • I totally understand what you are all saying, it is a nightmare - but imagine my plight. I am going throught the same; I just want to strangle non-smokers and argue with fire extinguishers and the cat, everything is grey at the moment.

    However, I am doing this at the same time as being Santa for the past three days. I was asked by a friend to stand in for his garden centre's regular santa who has jetted off to visit his relations abroad.

    I have to be really nice and jolly for 6 hours of the day. I am doing it well for the kids but it's bloody hard.

    I just keep trying to kill my elf!!!!!!

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