Day 18 yesterday & no, I didn't smoke. But boy, it's been quite a while - smoking or not smoking that I've had such a miserable day. I've been getting a grip on cravings & triggers... the day to day stuff we all go through.
What I didn't expect yesterday was a protracted visit from all my old demons & past emotional traumas. I was stuck in a smokers stew filled with lumps of loathing, diced dysfunction, hunks of hatred, little bits of 'not good enough' floating in there & all seasoned with sadness, fear, despair... oh, it was a LOVELY day!
I was very glad I was working alone because I couldn't stop the tears streaming down my face. When I wasn't revisting old childhood traumas, (really nasty childhood), I was regretting bad decisions as an adult, going through the 'if onlies' & of course I wanted to smoke. I was rational enough to know it wouldn't make me feel better but it would have been FAMILIAR.
Funny how when we're miserable, we can dive right back into behaviours & attitudes we know in our saner moments don't help one bit. But we KNOW these behaviours & we KNOW teir consequences - bad or good. I think I have a lot of fear of the unknown tucked away inside me - even if it's good unknowns. I more than suspect I have more than my share of fear of success too. I'll have to watch that as I progress - it might lead to attempts at self sabotage.
Don't know how I got through yesterday - I just wanted the day OVER. I met hubby at the supermarket after work - we wanted to get the last of the 'big' shopping done. That badly needed doing but it was another ordeal. The store was overly hot & crowded. I ended up with a horrid attack of claustophobia & I'm not prone to that! Never did it feel so good to pay & walk out into cool evening air.
Made it home, got our meal made & was in bed by eight thirty - I simply couldn't stand being around myself anymore. I didn't sleep right through - kept waking up in full on pout/sulk mode... a classic case of the 'poor little mes'. I stayed in bed. Got up around four this morning to get a drink, then went back to bed until eight.
I feel much better today emotionally but I'm tired of being tired. That's the one thing about this Quit that's surprised me - just how tiring it's been. I don't think about smoking/not smoking 24/7 but it's in my mind a LOT. I think that's some sort of phase my brain has to work through. But it's annoying & as mentioned, very tiring.
I really didn't lose a lot of Christmas prep time yesterday.. we're keeping the holidays fairly low key this year with the two of us being very new, fragile quitters & two of the three adult children are away. I'm glad it's a small Christmas. I'm not sure how easily I'd handle anything too festive.