Back to day one

So here I am back at day 1. I never in a million years thought I would end up back here, but hey ho that old nico demon is stronger than I gave it credit for.

One of the strange things I have encountered the last fw days is fear. I wasnt scared when I stopped last time but this time I am terrified. I think its because the demon beat me last time.

The one thing that comforts me is you. You were all so supportive until my stumble and I know that I have this great network of online friends who will pull me through the first few difficult days.

So I have reset my quit counter, although the money I saved in the last few months did me well with my move, it paid for a man and a van and a nice new bed.

I know Im trying to be positive but Im so angry at myself, you cant believe how angry I am. I, and no one else, am to blame for being back at day one. I can justify it all I want, but the simple explanation is that I CHOSE to smoke. Im scared, after nearly 3 months I CHOSE to smoke and that scares me more than anything.

Lillie

8 Replies

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  • Hi Lillie

    Well...I smoked half a fag on Wednesday. I chose to smoke it and I liked it. And though I haven't smoked since, I really want another. And to be honest Lillie its only a matter of time. I feel weak and not caring. Not caring whether I do or don't smoke.

    I'm not a good person to respond to your post!!

    You've committed again to not smoking. You didn't smoke for 3 months which for us is bloody good, so don't be too hard on yourself.

    Try and forget the blip.

    Don't be scared. Don't look too far ahead. One day at a time!!!!! (As we say to everyone!)

    Keep in touch.

    LizzieX

  • Good luck lillie star on your new quit ;)

  • Hi Lillie I am so sorry that the nicco demon found a chink in your armour, but remember you are a mere mortal and he is a really talented black knight who knows to wait on the side lines for a weak moment and he found yours, you however are showing him and yourself that you are so much stronger than he is because you have got straight back on the smoke free road and because you are scared that will help you to overcome him the next time he has a tug at your memory board and says Hi you would love a ciggy just one want hurt you, you now know it will and this will give you the will power to stay quit for good this time.

    I am sure that this forum will also help as it has helped you for the last 3 months.

    Have a great Chriggy and a smoke free new year.

    PS the 3 months milestone was nearly my downfall but I was lucky and managed to get past it with a lot of help from some great members on here.

  • Hey Lillie,

    Please don't be scared. I am finding the second time around a lot easier than the first time, in spite of the awful things that have happened in the last few days, I don't feel like smoking cos it doesn't solve anything.

    This time you know what to expect instead of going on a journey into the unknown, and you will be well prepared for it. You will know what is happening to your body and that the withdrawals pass fairly quickly. You haven't forgotten everything you have learned during your 3 month quit, and now is the time to build on it.

    And you have a nice new bed to loll around in ;) let's hope you get some good company soon too :D

    Zoe xxxx

  • Hey Lillie

    I really admire your strength and courage. You have been through all sorts and yet you have come straight back and quit again. I honestly don't think I could have done that. Last time I broke a quit, it took me six years of doing more damage before I could face it again.

    So you have nothing to fear. If you can come through all of this, you can certainly pick up your quit from where you left off. No real harm done.

  • Sorry to see you posting in day 1. If you want you can look on it as a blip, don't think you need to reset your counter. I had a cig last on 13 Oct, remember it well and the remorse that followed!!! I just chucked the rest of the pack away and carried on. It didn't feel like day 1 again and I don't suppose yours does either. The fact that you felt angry with yourself for doing it means you most certainly DON'T chose to smoke. If you did you'd be at the shop ordering another pack of 20. You slipped up and it may have knocked your confidence but continuing your quit will prove just how much you DON'T want to smoke and make you stronger in your quit.

  • Thanks everyone xxx

    Joc I have to go back to day one, nearly over. I had one cig on the 12/12, if I had stopped again then I would have said it was a blip, and it was for a few days, but then I fell off the wagon completely, so now I have to go back to day one. Not just for me but to show to newbies that we have these setbacks but we have to go one from them.

    I really do need everyones help now. I feel that I cant stop, that the nico demon is too strong. It got to me in my month 3, I have to stop it getting to me again.

    I hope you will all be there with me, pulling me up day by day.

    On a brighter note, a lot of my furniture was delivered this week but I still have to wait for some till after the new year, I have bags and boxes filling the spare bedroom,its mad. Im not going to touch anything after 6pm Christmas eve. Im going to relax and enjoy the Christmas break.

    I wish all of you a happy and healthy Christmas and New Year, and may you all remain smoke free.

    Wishing all of you all of the best,

    Lillie xxxxxx

  • Thanks everyone xxx

    Joc I have to go back to day one, nearly over. I had one cig on the 12/12, if I had stopped again then I would have said it was a blip, and it was for a few days, but then I fell off the wagon completely, so now I have to go back to day one. Not just for me but to show to newbies that we have these setbacks but we have to go one from them.

    I really do need everyones help now. I feel that I cant stop, that the nico demon is too strong. It got to me in my month 3, I have to stop it getting to me again.

    I hope you will all be there with me, pulling me up day by day.

    On a brighter note, a lot of my furniture was delivered this week but I still have to wait for some till after the new year, I have bags and boxes filling the spare bedroom,its mad. Im not going to touch anything after 6pm Christmas eve. Im going to relax and enjoy the Christmas break.

    I wish all of you a happy and healthy Christmas and New Year, and may you all remain smoke free.

    Wishing all of you all of the best,

    Lillie xxxxxx

    Hi Lillie,

    Please don't feel down with yourself... its not as bad as u think it is.

    U did 3 months which is fantastic!! The last bit of nicotine was leaving your body and it hooked on for dear life. U know the mistake u made for falling back into the trap. Now u have the knowledge to not fall for that trap as second time. We gain strengh from our weaknes's.

    Its a few days left of the year and u can kick start the new year 2012 as a non smoker for life. Look forward to the new year coming as its your new start, u will never fall for that horrible smoking trap again!

    Don't mope or feel down just feel excited that u have made it out of this trap.

    I have just set up a youtube account and i will post the videos online later which i hope will help u :)

    U can do it!!!

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