What is it with us 3 monthers at the moment? Seems that on top on dealing with the 3 month craves - life is just dealing pretty bad blows to people.
And after battling monster craves for the last few weeks, and other personal problems - things came to a head on Saturday morning when I was driving to the supermarket. Some person got a bit impatient and tried to occupy the same space of the road that I was sitting in. I was already upset from things that had happened earlier that morning and unfortunately someone bashing into my beloved Mini (an old one NOT a BMW one) was just the straw - and I bought a packet of fags and smoked one....and threw the rest away.
It was horrible- taste was bloody awful, my lungs were screaming 'what the hell are you doing', felt sick, felt high (and I HATE feeling high) and once that had all calmed down, my energy levels had dropped ALOT. Oh - and my car still had a dent and the problems of Saturday morning hadn't been resolved either.
Saying all that though - I am really glad I had that cigarette. Cigarettes had started taking on this slightly rosy glow - I missed the times when I could just light up because I was upset, excited, depressed, happy, drunk, hungover, sober, tired, not tired. But now I know - cigarettes are just vile! My last memory of a ciggy is not very nice! And from that point - my cravings for a smoke have really just gone.
However - I still have cravings for nicotine. And I realised that the craving for a cigarette was in part due to associations but also because that is how I am used to getting nicotine - via a cigarette. So from now on (and this goes against the rules for Champix users) - if the craving gets really bad, then I will have a nicotine chewing gum. Still getting the nicotine hit - without the revolting issues of a cigarette.
I am still an addict - always will be - just have to live with that. I have a bone-marrow disease which will shorten my life (I do know that for a fact - having been told it), I won't get to live to ripe old age - so I am going to enjoy my life. I do know that smoking is NOT enjoying life (I can tell you how strongly I feel that - cigarettes are EVIL) - but if I have a craving that is particualy bad, then I am not going to sit there and just battle against it, when I can do something about it (ie.chew a nicotine gum - or whatever - as long as it doesn't involve a cigarette).
I made all these decisions on Saturday - and my OH noticed yesterday that I was just happier - the happiest I have been since I gave up smoking. He comes from a family that is very much involved in medical stuff of all sorts (doctors, scientists etc) - and while he agrees that nicotine is a bad drug, having the odd chewing gum is not going to do a huge amount of damage and SO much better than smoking. I think he is just relieved to have his old wife back who is happy and laid back and relaxed and not continually fighting cravings whilst dealing with all the other stuff that has happened recently (including some bad news regarding the bone marrow disease).
Sorry for the length of this post. But - it will probably be my last post on here. I think I can qualify as a non-smoker (time will tell on that one - right now I hate the damned things, but I am not so arrogant to think that I will never ever have another one - or at least be sorely tempted) - but I am no longer fighting the nico-demon quite as much as I should and I am going against the spirit of this forum.
This forum has been fantastic - so supportive in so many ways. I will be popping in from time to time to see how the Octoberians and others are doing. We all have our own journeys to follow and I wish you all the very best of luck and good fortune on yours.
A very MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all - and I do really hope that all your dreams come true in 2012.