The longest in 15 years without fags....AARRGGHHH!!

Hi, I literally cannot believe I'm in here....

On new years eve I had absoloutely no plans to stop smoking, whatsoever. In fact 24 hours ago, I was still smoking. I have been smoking since 13 and i do love smoking. But recently, I've felt the disadvantages have outweighed the advantages:

1. I am a teacher. I'm one of the few at work who smokes. I feel that I smell of cigarettes near the kids and near other colleagues who lean towards me. I'm very self-conscious about this smell, I worry about people leaning over near me, and it affects my confidence.

2. Money. I'm due to move out into my own flat soon. An extra £160 a month would do nicely, ta.

3. Psychological dependency/anxiety. I am obsessed with cigarettes. I LOVE smoking and have to smoke at set times like after dinners, etc. On boxing day i walked 2 miles in the snow looking for a shop after i ran low. I need cigarettes and I feel anxiety at the prospect of things like school trips where i can't get a break, or can't get out. As we were talking about quitting, even whilst smoking, I was pacing up and down, and literally panicking and i felt like i wanted to cry. I can't remember a day without the fags, and i fear how i will cope. I see myself as 'a smoker' - it's part of my identity.

4. Erm... I've met somebody... problem is, he can't stand smoking. Hates it. The smell, the look.... We haven't even been on a proper date yet, and I've been dreading him seeing me smoking. He lives 50 miles away so, he has heard me on the phone smoking and seen me go off, but not seen me doing it. He says I have disappointed him that i can't even talk to him without going off smoking. I went the other day for one and he said to me, 'you know what, you know all about the health risks, early death - what did your dad die of? I said 'cancer - so are you saying oh that was just because he smoked???' He said 'And did he smoke, then?' I said 'yeah, but its not just that that causes it on its own!' ' no, but what are one of the big causes of that type of cancer?' 'And yeah ok it might not be the CAUSE of it, but it contributes to early death. You know that, and carry on.' He keeps going on at me...

That i could spend that money on other things like those shoes i want. That it's not nice to care about somebody who is sitting there killing themselves. Then it hit me randomly that my dad said once 'look, you don't wanna smoke..it's no good..' I heard him saying it in my head.

After New Years Eve, I woke up feeling like crap after smoking 25 cigarettes. My friend and I started talking *about* quitting smoking. Over christmas, I had been smoking for smoking's sake - waking and starting on my first few fags. I kind of got sick of it. The mere conversation about 'quitting' induced a lot of anxiety in me and I started pacing about, even whilst having a fag, saying ' i can't, i can't!!!!!!' I felt sick at the prospect, as if i could never enjoy anything again. this compounded the feeling that i had a very strong addiction. i said ' look, lets do it now!! come on' So off to asda we rushed. The woman there was unhelpful, so we went to sainsburys and got 25mg nicorette and an inhalator.

We ate a chinese, had an inhalator yesterday at about half six-ish, seven, to give it a try and then a fag. We found we didn't really want the whole fag, so chucked it and i gave the cigarettes to my housemate. I didn't want a big deal to be made of ' the last fag'. i don't like emotional goodbyes...

I spent the entire night talking to this guy, and sucking on an inhalator like a dummy, so i had somebody with me and went to bed dreading this morning. I cried this morning as i felt so desolate without a cigarette and felt i was letting myself down by going for one and letting myself down by not if i felt so upset.

I'm only getting 50% support. Some people are being great, but most aren't understanding how hard this is. My mum's reaction wasn't very good. People don't understand this is agony for me. People think it's a fad, or they just think quitting is just simple enough. But it's permanently there, this feeling. I feel desperate. I havent not had a cigarette in 15 years, but they act like it's this simple thing. Mum just said 'Good, i should think so, about time.' I wanted people to understand how big a deal this is for me. I'm struggling. It's nearly 24 hours since my last cigarette. First time in 15 years.

10 Replies

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  • You can do this

    Hi ,

    Well to start with I can relate to most of your coments particularly the reaction of other people when you tell them that you have stopped smoking. My own wife(smoker) only admited that she was proud of my no smoking after I was six month stopped?? I was a smokier for 35 years and have now stopped for over a year so you can do this, and the many things that you talk about are correct the smell on your clothes and justy wait to you have stopped for even two weeks and a smoker stands near to you when talking,the smell is not nice. Like you I always believed "once a smoker always a smoker" and this is true, if you allow it to be. I won't prattle on but the best advice I will give you is to get really involved in this forum by reading and supporting the other members,do regular excersise (I do a 20 minute walk each day)but in the early stop period we are all here to support you.

    And yes you will find that you have more money in your pocket as I have saved over 2k in this first year quit, but the biggest reward I got was to realise that I could walk up stairs with out getting out of breath (I can now run up them like a 15 year old, well almost like a 15 year old.

    Over a year ago I was attending a meeting and had to climb 3 flights of stairs and at the top I thought that I was going to have a heart attack as I was trying to catch my breath.

    Everyone of us would say the same as you that we loved (if that is the right word?) smoking, but is that us just justifying the reason to smoke? anyway we are all here to help you , so the bust of luck and remember your target is the first year where all of us who have managed to stop for a year will be waiting at the bar in the Penthouse.

    Best of luck

    Dannyboy

    only ad Hi, I literally cannot believe I'm in here....

    On new years eve I had absoloutely no plans to stop smoking, whatsoever. In fact 24 hours ago, I was still smoking. I have been smoking since 13 and i do love smoking. But recently, I've felt the disadvantages have outweighed the advantages:

    1. I am a teacher. I'm one of the few at work who smokes. I feel that I smell of cigarettes near the kids and near other colleagues who lean towards me. I'm very self-conscious about this smell, I worry about people leaning over near me, and it affects my confidence.

    2. Money. I'm due to move out into my own flat soon. An extra £160 a month would do nicely, ta.

    3. Psychological dependency/anxiety. I am obsessed with cigarettes. I LOVE smoking and have to smoke at set times like after dinners, etc. On boxing day i walked 2 miles in the snow looking for a shop after i ran low. I need cigarettes and I feel anxiety at the prospect of things like school trips where i can't get a break, or can't get out. As we were talking about quitting, even whilst smoking, I was pacing up and down, and literally panicking and i felt like i wanted to cry. I can't remember a day without the fags, and i fear how i will cope. I see myself as 'a smoker' - it's part of my identity.

    4. Erm... I've met somebody... problem is, he can't stand smoking. Hates it. The smell, the look.... We haven't even been on a proper date yet, and I've been dreading him seeing me smoking. He lives 50 miles away so, he has heard me on the phone smoking and seen me go off, but not seen me doing it. He says I have disappointed him that i can't even talk to him without going off smoking. I went the other day for one and he said to me, 'you know what, you know all about the health risks, early death - what did your dad die of? I said 'cancer - so are you saying oh that was just because he smoked???' He said 'And did he smoke, then?' I said 'yeah, but its not just that that causes it on its own!' ' no, but what are one of the big causes of that type of cancer?' 'And yeah ok it might not be the CAUSE of it, but it contributes to early death. You know that, and carry on.' He keeps going on at me...

    That i could spend that money on other things like those shoes i want. That it's not nice to care about somebody who is sitting there killing themselves. Then it hit me randomly that my dad said once 'look, you don't wanna smoke..it's no good..' I heard him saying it in my head.

    After New Years Eve, I woke up feeling like crap after smoking 25 cigarettes. My friend and I started talking *about* quitting smoking. Over christmas, I had been smoking for smoking's sake - waking and starting on my first few fags. I kind of got sick of it. The mere conversation about 'quitting' induced a lot of anxiety in me and I started pacing about, even whilst having a fag, saying ' i can't, i can't!!!!!!' I felt sick at the prospect, as if i could never enjoy anything again. this compounded the feeling that i had a very strong addiction. i said ' look, lets do it now!! come on' So off to asda we rushed. The woman there was unhelpful, so we went to sainsburys and got 25mg nicorette and an inhalator.

    We ate a chinese, had an inhalator yesterday at about half six-ish, seven, to give it a try and then a fag. We found we didn't really want the whole fag, so chucked it and i gave the cigarettes to my housemate. I didn't want a big deal to be made of ' the last fag'. i don't like emotional goodbyes...

    I spent the entire night talking to this guy, and sucking on an inhalator like a dummy, so i had somebody with me and went to bed dreading this morning. I cried this morning as i felt so desolate without a cigarette and felt i was letting myself down by going for one and letting myself down by not if i felt so upset.

    I'm only getting 50% support. Some people are being great, but most aren't understanding how hard this is. My mum's reaction wasn't very good. People don't understand this is agony for me. People think it's a fad, or they just think quitting is just simple enough. But it's permanently there, this feeling. I feel desperate. I havent not had a cigarette in 15 years, but they act like it's this simple thing. Mum just said 'Good, i should think so, about time.' I wanted people to understand how big a deal this is for me. I'm struggling. It's nearly 24 hours since my last cigarette. First time in 15 years.

  • a huge hug and a massive well done !!!

    I know it feels like the loss of an old friend... I felt like that too... I am on day 7 and feeling totally amazing, if someone would have said I would feel this way a week ago I would have thought them deranged.

    I know what you mean about the smell.. I used to push my little boy away from me as he did not know I smoked and I didn't want him to smell me. He has since told me he knew I still smoked as I smelt 'revolting' and he was embarrased by my smell. He told me that he hated every morning when I tied his school tie as my hands made him feel physically sick and that he would hold his breathe. All of these thinks I have only just learnt in the past week. On the plus side I have had numerous cuddles and hugs from him this week, he does not shy away from me ( I thought it was just him not being 'cuddly' but the truth is I stunk enough that my baby couldn't bear to hug me)

    Be really strong, read and read on here... you will realise that we are all in the same boat and here for one another... it does get easier and you WILL feel & smell better xxx HUGS xxx:p

  • More hugs

    Well done to you monster magnet.

    It sounds like this is your first serious attempt- make it your last too- because you dont need to waste another second/penny on that crap.

    I identified so much with what you said about the embarrassment at work- I'm a social worker and kids really hate the smell. Sometimes I would be talking to parents about their smoking, drinking/drug use, feeling like a total hypocrite because like you, to be without ciggies left me utterly panicked. Heres the thing- smokers believe they smell a little bit immediately after a smoke- so not true, I can even smell it on letters written by smokers, on their children- even in their pee if I go to the toilet after them, and it is not a pleasant just lit tobacco smell, it's a massive ashtray full of butts with a bit of cold tea thrown on top.

    I feel properly clean for the first time in my life- I can still catch a faint whiff of the peppermint foot lotion I used this am, but I wash less often and change my clothes less- no need to scrub under a shower twice a day for a short lived effect.

    Oh and the money- loads more than the price of cigarettes- I stopped going out at lunchtime and had time to make a packup, I go out less at night and drink less- even with Christmas when I overspent on presents, i am finding some cash left at the end of the month.

    I was also really taken by your sudden recollection of your father's words. My Dad died of lung cancer at 46. Yet whenever I was asked if I knew of anyone whose health had been affected I said No and thought that was an honest answer.

    I wonder if there is a class thing going on here- this forum is full of articulate people- wonder if we are representative of the smoking demographic. I have a degree and a profession but come from an impoverished background- sometimes I wonder if smoking is about, at least in part, being true to my roots. If it is I maybe need to find a better way to honour my ancestors. Sorry I have blathered on, just meant to be supportive.xxx

  • Well done to you monster magnet.

    It sounds like this is your first serious attempt- make it your last too- because you dont need to waste another second/penny on that crap.

    I identified so much with what you said about the embarrassment at work- I'm a social worker and kids really hate the smell. Sometimes I would be talking to parents about their smoking, drinking/drug use, feeling like a total hypocrite because like you, to be without ciggies left me utterly panicked. Heres the thing- smokers believe they smell a little bit immediately after a smoke- so not true, I can even smell it on letters written by smokers, on their children- even in their pee if I go to the toilet after them, and it is not a pleasant just lit tobacco smell, it's a massive ashtray full of butts with a bit of cold tea thrown on top.

    I feel properly clean for the first time in my life- I can still catch a faint whiff of the peppermint foot lotion I used this am, but I wash less often and change my clothes less- no need to scrub under a shower twice a day for a short lived effect.

    Oh and the money- loads more than the price of cigarettes- I stopped going out at lunchtime and had time to make a packup, I go out less at night and drink less- even with Christmas when I overspent on presents, i am finding some cash left at the end of the month.

    I was also really taken by your sudden recollection of your father's words. My Dad died of lung cancer at 46. Yet whenever I was asked if I knew of anyone whose health had been affected I said No and thought that was an honest answer.

    I wonder if there is a class thing going on here- this forum is full of articulate people- wonder if we are representative of the smoking demographic. I have a degree and a profession but come from an impoverished background- sometimes I wonder if smoking is about, at least in part, being true to my roots. If it is I maybe need to find a better way to honour my ancestors. Sorry I have blathered on, just meant to be supportive.xxx

    No, Sandy, seriously, what you said resonated with me so much. I think that's it - we're both from the same town - and it's like part of your roots. My dad was from Manchester, smoking un-tipped fags since 13. He was a joiner, he drank, he smoked, liked a bet. I was the daddy's girl. My Dad was always the cool, great guy everybody liked. The other side of my family are all big smokers. There was this certain defensiveness, like 'non-smokers are middle class ponces'. My dad once said about my cousin's boyfriend 'Doesn't drink? Doesn't smoke? What's up with him? What kind of bloke is like that?' I have this attitude too. I simply think theres something poncey about men who moan about cigarettes and smokers. That's how I've been brought up. Now, i feel that there's something kind of poncey about me, with my Arts degree and my school holidays and my Merlot and my non-smoking. The fags was my one concession to that. I liked it when people said 'I didn't expect YOU to smoke!'. I don't know. I'm on day four now and feel like another person is inhabiting me.

    Nikki and Danny. Thanks for your answers. I came on here in a moment of weakness and reading this has helped - i've forgot about fags reading your answers. I simply fear that I won't ENJOY coffee or breaks, or pubs again now. But people saying this about the smell and also the distrust of you stopping, has helped me so much. Thanks! x

  • HUGE welcome and well done!!

    Monster, your first post could've been written by me, i swear!!

    Quit on the 13th Nov, complete and utter spur of the moment after having a chest infection and going to the stop smoking clinic while i was at the drs. Even as i got home i had no intention of putting a patch on, opening the inhaler packet or binning my fags. 7 weeks, 3 days down the line, and no cigs have passed my lips since. And do you know what, i LOVE IT!!!:D

    I always associated my smoking with the bit of rebel, the bit of bad in me. I'm a little punk-rock, a little off-the-cuff, or so i've always liked to think. Work for a company who allow me to express who i want to be (hair colour, tattoos, dress sense etc) and part of my 'image' has always been a cigerette. I'm not proud of that, but whatever, it was a security thing maybe. Pleased to say my 'image' is still there, albeit less smelly and minus the flemmy cough ;)

    I strongly believe that the only way you can be truly successful in your quit is when the time is right for YOU. No-one can tell you when or how, it's gotta be 100% selfish. It's sad that you're not getting full support from those around you but don't let that be an excuse to give in - use it as the drive to proof them all wrong.

    One last thing: this site and, more importantly, the people on it, were and still are a godsend through every stage of your quit. Look at some of my previous posts and you'll see i used the forum in the early weeks to rant rubbish when i was getting cravings!:o

    Good luck and don't be a stranger :)

    Jen xxxxx

  • You know what, it's funny you say that....

    At the time I started smoking on the Marlboro Reds, I was a G'N'R fan and into heavy rock and metal. We all smoked. It was part of the culture. Its still in me. It's funny these associations we have with smoking.

    Smoking is defo my security blanket - the idea of going out on a date or to an interview armed without cigarettes is terrifying. It's what I've always done. My fear is that I'll always want one somehow, that i'll never be able to say i don't.

    :(

  • Smoking is defo my security blanket - the idea of going out on a date or to an interview armed without cigarettes is terrifying. It's what I've always done. My fear is that I'll always want one somehow, that i'll never be able to say i don't.

    :(

    It is or should I say was mine but just over 8 weeks smoke free and not having to use my inhaler once in that time has made me feel 100% that I am NEVER going to put one of those white sticks in my mouth again!

    I dont need my security blanket anymore Im a big girl now :D lol

    Good Luck with your stop your doing great.

  • I've just finished listening to a Bob Dylan song called 'you're a big girl now' AArrgh! Its a sign to quit! :D

  • "Now, i feel that there's something kind of poncey about me, with my Arts degree and my school holidays and my Merlot and my non-smoking. The fags was my one concession to that. I liked it when people said 'I didn't expect YOU to smoke!'."

    Ohhhhhh yes. Please see my post - 'new here' - posted today. Said pretty much the same thing. Know exactly how you feel.

    The thing you have to question, is what's so effing great about identifying yourself with cigarettes? Over the years this foul habit has become the exception rather than the rule, and the fact is, NOBODY else thinks it's in any way cool. And I don't know why the teenager locked inside me thinks it is, but the teenager locked inside me is a pillock, like most teenagers :)

    You can do this. We can do this. Hang in there.

    H

  • Good for you Hels, you tell it. Amazing how mentally beating & shouting at the monster makes you feel SO much stronger. We will control IT & not the other way round from now on ;):p:D

    Gaynor x

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