Hi, I literally cannot believe I'm in here....
On new years eve I had absoloutely no plans to stop smoking, whatsoever. In fact 24 hours ago, I was still smoking. I have been smoking since 13 and i do love smoking. But recently, I've felt the disadvantages have outweighed the advantages:
1. I am a teacher. I'm one of the few at work who smokes. I feel that I smell of cigarettes near the kids and near other colleagues who lean towards me. I'm very self-conscious about this smell, I worry about people leaning over near me, and it affects my confidence.
2. Money. I'm due to move out into my own flat soon. An extra £160 a month would do nicely, ta.
3. Psychological dependency/anxiety. I am obsessed with cigarettes. I LOVE smoking and have to smoke at set times like after dinners, etc. On boxing day i walked 2 miles in the snow looking for a shop after i ran low. I need cigarettes and I feel anxiety at the prospect of things like school trips where i can't get a break, or can't get out. As we were talking about quitting, even whilst smoking, I was pacing up and down, and literally panicking and i felt like i wanted to cry. I can't remember a day without the fags, and i fear how i will cope. I see myself as 'a smoker' - it's part of my identity.
4. Erm... I've met somebody... problem is, he can't stand smoking. Hates it. The smell, the look.... We haven't even been on a proper date yet, and I've been dreading him seeing me smoking. He lives 50 miles away so, he has heard me on the phone smoking and seen me go off, but not seen me doing it. He says I have disappointed him that i can't even talk to him without going off smoking. I went the other day for one and he said to me, 'you know what, you know all about the health risks, early death - what did your dad die of? I said 'cancer - so are you saying oh that was just because he smoked???' He said 'And did he smoke, then?' I said 'yeah, but its not just that that causes it on its own!' ' no, but what are one of the big causes of that type of cancer?' 'And yeah ok it might not be the CAUSE of it, but it contributes to early death. You know that, and carry on.' He keeps going on at me...
That i could spend that money on other things like those shoes i want. That it's not nice to care about somebody who is sitting there killing themselves. Then it hit me randomly that my dad said once 'look, you don't wanna smoke..it's no good..' I heard him saying it in my head.
After New Years Eve, I woke up feeling like crap after smoking 25 cigarettes. My friend and I started talking *about* quitting smoking. Over christmas, I had been smoking for smoking's sake - waking and starting on my first few fags. I kind of got sick of it. The mere conversation about 'quitting' induced a lot of anxiety in me and I started pacing about, even whilst having a fag, saying ' i can't, i can't!!!!!!' I felt sick at the prospect, as if i could never enjoy anything again. this compounded the feeling that i had a very strong addiction. i said ' look, lets do it now!! come on' So off to asda we rushed. The woman there was unhelpful, so we went to sainsburys and got 25mg nicorette and an inhalator.
We ate a chinese, had an inhalator yesterday at about half six-ish, seven, to give it a try and then a fag. We found we didn't really want the whole fag, so chucked it and i gave the cigarettes to my housemate. I didn't want a big deal to be made of ' the last fag'. i don't like emotional goodbyes...
I spent the entire night talking to this guy, and sucking on an inhalator like a dummy, so i had somebody with me and went to bed dreading this morning. I cried this morning as i felt so desolate without a cigarette and felt i was letting myself down by going for one and letting myself down by not if i felt so upset.
I'm only getting 50% support. Some people are being great, but most aren't understanding how hard this is. My mum's reaction wasn't very good. People don't understand this is agony for me. People think it's a fad, or they just think quitting is just simple enough. But it's permanently there, this feeling. I feel desperate. I havent not had a cigarette in 15 years, but they act like it's this simple thing. Mum just said 'Good, i should think so, about time.' I wanted people to understand how big a deal this is for me. I'm struggling. It's nearly 24 hours since my last cigarette. First time in 15 years.