i am the nicodemon

as a newcomer to these forums i did as most of us did, reading the posts and following the threads of conversations, finding that some of the posters were having surprisingly similar experiences to myself and finding reading and re-reading about them invaluable for my quit.

'my quit' of course was not what i would have called it before joining the forum; i'm not sure i would have consciously called it anything at all, i may have managed to vocalise 'i'm giving up smoking' from between clenched teeth on occasion in the first week, but the forum gave it the name, the forum allowed me to own 'my quit'.

when we can name something we gain the first chance of control over it. that could be due to communication, once named we can read about how others dealt with the thing, we can ask for advice. but it also allows us to begin to understand ourselves.

names are surprisingly powerful things.

'don't listen to the nicodemon', do you remember first reading something like that? what a great name, that's just how it feels, suddenly we can separate off this insistent self defeating, self destroying desire to light up just one little cigarette, we can name and shame the nicodemon, and now we can name him, we get the first chance to say no to something we recognise, even if we don't understand. it works and it works well.

kick him in the balls, punch his lights out, silly little nicodemon.

problem is though, the nicodemon is me. or a part of me. thats my voice wanting to light up, wanting to hide from reality so much that i'll take a slow and painful death as the price. and yes i do remember making that choice, over and over again.

that's a powerful voice.

i can package it up as the nicodemon for a while, just like i can ignore that pile of unopened mail in the corner of my room, but sooner or later i'm gonna have to go back and do a better job.

gonna have to answer that mail, and i'm gonna have to listen to the nicodemon and find out what's bugging him so much he wants to kill me like this.

3 Replies

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  • Absolutely....and hallelujah to your recognition of the process. Of course it's all personal too because each person's quit is specific to them...you. We are all unique...although there are broad similarities to the process of quitting. The thing is the nicodemon is in our heads.

    At one point you describe 'it' as you...or one facet of you. Nope, that's not on cos I presume that you don't have some unholy wish to poison yourself, slowly conjure up your last grasping wheezing of an end.

    Nicodemon IS not of you, IS different from you. It's just so happens that nicodemon has been in your head, in your psyche for so long that the tangled theads have become closely aligned to your synapsis...and that's possibly why you feel that Nicodemon is part of you.

    By the way, Nicodemon is neither male nor female...it's without sex.

    Could I humbly suggest that you read into the links that various of us have in our sigs and you will find an awesome amount of further information.

    Oh and...Hi 5mol<er...I'm Cav :)

  • Loved this post 5mol<er, thanks for that :)

    You're right in saying that naming something helps. It also helps to know that you're not alone... This weekend someone asked me how I managed to quit smoking (its only been just over 6 weeks but still going strong!) and although I did a few things (like writing down my reasons and chewing lots of gum) nothing helped like this forum!

    The sharing of information that is actually RELEVANT is amazing.. There's so much stuff out there on the internet that it helps to have this site to point out the useful bits. Its tailored to everyone's needs no matter how they decide to quit!

  • hi Cav, i'm with you on the gender thing, just that in the text i had to kick him in the balls :)

    glad you liked it sofia, i did a lot of gum chewing on my last quit attempt, but i found i was chewing so hard i was always biting my tongue - sooo painful lol

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