Hello guys, Lisa here - hope you are all well and fighting fit!
I am coming up to five months and this is getting easier and easier.....I have now fallen in love with chocolate as well and can't believe what I have been missing. It is a good job I have taken up daily exercise otherwise I would be in for trouble.
Anyway, confession time - I have cravings today and have had since Saturday night. I went to a friends birthday party and felt really left out of things when the group I was with kept disappearing outside to smoke.....they looked like they were having a good laugh as well! I know, I am looking at this all wrong but I can't seem to stop torturing myself!
Anyway, that evening as I went to go to the "powder room", I thought that it would be nice just to have a couple of ciggies that evening and to just smoke socially every now and then........then I woke up! I know if I have just one cigarette it would:-
a) Knock me sick
b) Make me dizzy
c) Make me stink
d) Make me anxious and quilty
e) Make me hooked again!!!!!
So as I stood outside the loos looking at the laughing smokers, I remembered to feel pity for them and each one of them will have to go down that long, hard road called "stopping smoking street" whether they like it or not.
I think at this point I realised I am a non smoker because I chose to be but now the choice is out of my hands. I just cannot afford to smoke, even if I want to, I can never go back because (time for another list):-
1. My asthma has gone - I don't need my inhalors anymore.
2. I am so fit now and was the only person jumping around on the dancefloor for an hour at high speed!
3. I can't afford to smoke, literally! I have now acquired expensive tastes for clothes/restaurants/exercise equipment/treats since I started to care about my well being so there is no way I can afford a fiver a day to kill myself slowly!
Basically, the head says "no smoking" but the heart is still yearning. I know it is a no brainer and I won't smoke but it is so annoying sometimes!
Yesterday, the day after the party, I had a very small "mini" hangover. Much less than they used to be because I don't have the smoking sore throat hangover and because I don't drink very much now......anyway.....normally, I would nurse myself through the day with cigarettes......which used to make me feel worse by the way.
So why did I smoke for twenty odd years and why am I here bleating on about not smoking? Sometimes, I physically feel like there is a hole, a gap inside that I cannot fill up - not with coffee, chocolate or chips or anything else I force down my gob! Why did I ever start????
There is a still a little part of me that wishes smoking was not harmful so I could go back to it.....even though I don't need to smoke anymore! I am such an idiot sometimes and still can't accept that I can never smoke again. Botheration!!!! Boll****! Fishooks!
Thanks for listening, feeling a bit tired today and a bit sorry for myself but still glad I DO NOT SMOKE!
And, it is No Smoking Day this week so we can all hold our heads high and breathe a sigh of relief that we are not killing ourselves anymore. Besides, I got me a new addiction - shopping!
And as Tony says, keep the faith my non smoking pals!