I’m losing my mind: Hi guys. It’s not a... - Weight Loss NHS

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I’m losing my mind

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June

Hi guys. It’s not a positive post. I’ve been thinking of posting in ages but I managed to talk myself out of it. I’m losing my mind, my sanity and myself. I’ve lost all motivation and I went back to my old ways. While I have healthy meals I can’t stop snacking on chocolate and crisps on daily basis. My weight keeps going up and down. Last year I promised myself that by summer 2020 I’ll be healthy weight and after losing nearly 3st which I struggled losing I have given up. Given up on myself. I feel so trapped in my own fat body and my own messed up mind. Every evening I look at pictures of weight loss before and after and I promise myself tomorrow I’ll start exercising and I’ll ditch sweets and that tomorrow never comes. I have no motivation. I’ve been struggling to sleep lately. If I get 4 hours sleep it’s a miracle. It’s never 4 full hours, it’s more like I sleep for half hour and wake up and stay awake for an hour or so then back to sleep. My mind is overloaded with overanalysed thoughts. My mood goes from happy to annoyed or super sad within seconds on daily basis. I hate myself. I started punching my stomach because I can’t look at it anymore and it’s my way of punishing myself for having stuff I shouldn’t be eating. My nearly 3st loss did nothing to my stomach and it’s still hanging and it’s huge. We all have problems and issues. Why can’t I deal with mine? I can’t handle it anymore.

105 Replies
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I think your lack of sleep will be disrupting your weight loss and motivation. You should really discuss it with your doctor. If your doctor hasn't been very helpful in the past, make an appointment with a different one. You say you have lost 3 stones, that's fantastic. Do you know if that was fat or lean tissue? It may be that you were losing muscle rather than or as well as fat, this could leave you in worse physical shape than before. You should certainly be feeling better for losing 3 stone of fat.

Can you think of any positive improvements, such as climbing stairs more easily? A more positive outlook could help you, think of all the good things in your life (no, not chocolate). Try meditation. Above all, keep posting on here, people are with you, don't be one of those who go silent then reappear in a couple of years saying you have put all your losses back on and more.

If you haven't tried low carb, give it a go. It works for lots of people and becomes a way of life, not a struggle. It doesn't have to be LCHF though, I saw one guy lost half his bodyweight in 12 months on a calorie controlled diet, you just need to find what works for you.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to BigRedDBA

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. I lost 3st following slimming world. I went from size 20-22 to size 14 in roughly 5 months. I have days when I feel like I can see I lost weight but most days I look at myself and I think I’m still as disgusting as I was. After having my son 9 years ago I was left with ‘an apron’ hanging so low it covers my lady bits which of course affects my sex life. I have been meaning to call doctor because I believe I might have thyroid issues but I have symptoms of both under and over active. I also suffer with pcos. I can motivate myself but I can’t seem to keep it up. I feel great and positive and then 2 minutes later I’m back to feeling like I want to scream and cry and punch things. I thought about low carb diet but I have very low energy everyday and I’m afraid it’ll make it worse. Also calorie counting I find confusing and end up ditching it after few days. I think I need kick up the bum to be fair. I’m a loner so no friends to share anything with or help motivate me which doesn’t make it easy.

BigRedDBA
BigRedDBA22kg in reply to Pixianna

I think it would be worth going through all this with your doctor. Ask for a longer appointment (standard is 10 mins I believe) Ask them what could be done to help you and when they are going to do it, change doctors if necessary. You say you are a loner but mention a 9yr old and a sex life, so there must be a couple of people supporting you? Anyway, keep posting and pick an issue at a time to focus on, it can seem overwhelming trying to fight too many battles. Here is an article on how sleep can help you lose weight healthline.com/nutrition/sl....

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to BigRedDBA

It’s all phone consultations which make me very nervous but I will make an appointment. I’m embarrassed to admit how I’ve been feeling though. I’m 33 so I should be sorted and think clearly. I do have a husband but to him I’m fine the way I am but to myself I’m very very far from being fine. My 9 year old son has been very supportive through my journey with slimming world but he’s like my husband. He thinks I’m fine the way I am. Thank you for your reply.

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

Low carb has worked amazingly for me. I haven’t just lost weight but I feel brilliant on it. I no longer want to sleep in the afternoon & generally have so much more energy than I ever had. I have a history of depression and exhaustion myself. (there are other reasons why those things are better not just low carb.) BUT that’s just my anecdotal experience. I can’t say it would do that for you. I truly have never been able to stick with a diet where I have had to motivate myself to overcome hunger or food cravings - that’s my concern withSW, it needs so much will power! We have lives to live, we can’t use up spare energy on not eating!

If you are struggling with tiredness then the GP may want to look at your iron and vitamin b12 levels as well as thyroid - done via a blood test

I had a thyroid and anaemia test using medichecks - if your gp is not helpful.

Could you look into an operation on your excess tummy skin? I don’t know anything about this but I understand it’s possible.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Slim_for_good

There’s so much info on low carb diet. Where do I start?

I nap in the afternoon nearly everyday after dinner. Once I’m back from work and I have had my food I’m gone for an hour sometimes less but usually more. I wake up feeling worse than I did before I had a nap.

I have no history of depression but saying that I’ve never thought about it. I guess I could say I have the symptoms and sometimes I do feel like I don’t want to carry on anymore but I never let myself think that there’s an explanation for my emotional state and behaviour. I always tell myself I’m the one to blame cause I’m useless and I’m a failure.

Did you have any cravings during your low carb diet? Like really strong cravings that you can’t fight off.

I did look into excess skin removal but it requires me to have a lot of time off work and I can’t afford that. It’s a very long recovery period and the price is also shocking. I’m not sure if what I have is fat or excess skin. I can’t tell the difference to be fair. My stomach did shrink quite a bit after losing the 3st. I used to measure myself once a month and I could see the fat loss like that.

PandQs
PandQs3st 7lbs in reply to Pixianna

Where do you start? I started by watching a series of short online videos by Dr Robert Lustig, which explain why you might be feeling tired, lethargic and gaining weight. Why our bodies are reacting to the amount of insulin produced by processed food and as such why we need to return to lower carb healthier options in order to get our bodies functioning properly again - weight loss and more energy will be a welcome byproduct of the process. The videos are called "The Skinny on Obesity". They are interesting and encouraging - I wish I'd had a £1 for every time I've recommended them I would be rich by now :) but I am healthier and happier. Your son and husband love you as you are now, and will love you the same no matter what weight you are, but they will surely be happier to see you happy too. Good luck xx

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

Low carb dealt with my cravings. I now have as much interest in a cake counter as I do in a display of power drills. I have lost my taste for sugar and other junk. I treated myself to small packet of my favourite crisps on Sunday. I could not finish them. I just did not like them anymore. Initially on low carb, the first few weeks, it’s going to be hard as your body gives up its comfort blanket of carbs and sugar. I found eating my head off with low carb food managed that. I did not restrict myself at all in how much I ate, and still do not, but ate the right things.

Lots of people recommend cold turkey on low carb. But that might be a bit much for you at this stage. Maybe a phased approach for you. First two weeks, eat anything you like so long as it’s not sugar, chocolate or crisps. I find peanuts a good sub for crisps. Then cut out carbs for one meal a day. Then two, etc.

I find carb dodging.com a much easier source of general info on low carb than diet doctor but the recipes are a bit weird.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Slim_for_good

Thank you so much for your replies. I will definitely read about it and maybe try it for couple of weeks to see how body gets used to it. I love my carbs and sugar but do I need them? In moderate amounts only. I’ll do anything to get myself sorted mentally and physically. Thank you again 🙏🏻

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

Great. I know I said I’d say just one more thing, but... think of sugar and refined carbs as addiction/ like nicotine/coming off drugs. You should expect to feel like crap for a few weeks. Yes right now your body does think it needs them. It’s going to fight you. Just as it would fight you over giving up smoking. I’ve had people who say they would pay to have a body like mine (yep showing off) but they would not give up toast. I think you want this enough to make the changes. I have a feeling you are going to be one of those amazing success stories that brings tears to all our eyes. Xxx

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Slim_for_good

Oh my. Thank you lovely. Once I’ve done my research I’ll start slowly cutting out carbs. Mind you I made myself pork chop today and I ended up leaving the fat out cause I just couldn’t make myself chew on it. Do I have to eat it if I want to do LCHF?

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

Oh dear me no. Don’t eat food you don’t like! 🤣 you don’t have to pour fat down your throat with low carb, (I do pour double cream down my throat but that’s me), but just be liberal with the olive oil, don’t buy extra lean mince if you cook that, Put butter on your vegetables - I fry cabbage and bacon in butter,, add some fajita spices. Yum yum. Keep up the good work with high percentage meat sausages & bacon. X

Soox01
Soox01Restart July 2020 in reply to Pixianna

I’m currently rewatching an old episode of Horizon with Prof Michael Moseley. It’s called eat, fast and live well and it’s on the iPlayer. It’s more about the 5:2 fasting approach but it’s really helping me with motivation.

basten
basten2020 July in reply to Pixianna

Hi I know what it's like to have that overhanging fat which covers private parts. Mine was from hysterectomy many many years ago done the old fashioned way. I too hate my self my overweight fat . I grab it...pull it...say look at you just look it's disgusting. Right tomorrow I'm going to start.....then I dont!! No motivation something is lacking. You did well to lose that weight. Maybe you could start doing some toning up exercises slowly. It's real hard. I've googled, I've read, I know my bad eating isnt helping yet I still do it. You're not alone with how you feel. My moods are full of yes yes let's do, then change in instance to cant do. Its psychological too .

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to basten

I feel like you’ve just described me. No motivation. Yes yes yes for few seconds then no thanks. I’m lazy. There’s no cure for laziness though. I would love to tone up and see where that takes me but to get my fat arse off the sofa now that is an issue.

basten
basten2020 July in reply to Pixianna

I want to go to bed and wake up the size 14 I used to be last year....overnight!!! I dont think its laziness. Could be things get you down.... could be some depression. With that sleep disturbed no motivation self loathing doesnt help. I'm on meds for mental health issues which have caused me to eat eat eat. I hate it . You lost before. See where you started to gain and what eating more of. Sweets chocs trifles all my downfall. Getting of them is worse than when I quit smoking. I've asked questions on this site, read and listened yet still wont weigh myself and make a plan. Yes I've no motivation and rarely go out due to lockdown and no partner. See grown kids sometimes weekends. I have binged unbelievably last 4 days and it's as if I have a self destruct button but using food . It's like smoking...oh it cant happen to me etc but it can and if I dont do something I'm going to have a heart attack or something. I've just had blood test not diabetic but I bet I will be if I dont stop binging . I was an alcoholic and stopped just like that 20 years ago.as it made me sick my kids still have a mum. My brain isnt well although I come across happy chatty yet I'm miserable because I dont know what to do and how to get started. Plus I hate cooking. Always have but will eat anything anyone gives me. I am not creative. We only fail when we fail to try but people dont understand how out mental state affects us or how medication affects us etc. You're not lazy . ....not if you keep a clean tidy house clean clothes do hooveringbetc. It's you that's gotta care for you. Same here x

lismcl
lismclRestart Jan 2020 in reply to Pixianna

Hi Pixianna,

What you said about your thyroid rang a bell with me. I have an autoimmune condition called Hashimotos that causes my body to attack my thyroid. I'm mostly underactive, but for complicated reasons, I can briefly go overactive. I also have PCOS. It might be worth asking your doctor for a full thyroid panel, including antibodies.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to lismcl

Hiya. I also suffer from pcos. I wonder if my doctor will allow me to have blood tests. They didn’t last time but I’ll ring them every day if I have to. Thank you for your reply.

lismcl
lismclRestart Jan 2020 in reply to Pixianna

If they don't, depending on your finances, you could get them done privately. I got a Thriva test last week and it was £40. It's more if you add on other things.

IndigoBlue61
IndigoBlue61Administrator in reply to Pixianna

Low Carb is particularly good for PCOS

dietdoctor.com/low-carb/ben...

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to IndigoBlue61

I’ve been speaking to people who live by low carb diet. They said it’s amazing but the transition is horrible. To be fair I think I’d rather exercise and eat less carbs than ditch carbs almost completely. It’d be a huge change to my lifestyle considering I’m very picky as it is.

IndigoBlue61
IndigoBlue61Administrator in reply to Pixianna

That’s a very sensible plan Pixianna Rome wasn’t built in a day! I also like to focus on what I CAN eat rather than what I can’t, it seems more positive. If you base your meals around your favourite foods then the whole process becomes more enjoyable 😊

As others have said, try the Daily Diary for help with meal planning, and just ask if you have any questions 😊

Hello.

Of course nobody knows you like you know yourself, but perhaps the mental health side of this journey has been neglected. Embarking on a lifestyle and physical transformation is no easy task, especially so when the mind and our view of ourselves is fragile. Just a suggestion- but perhaps you need to spend some time showing yourself some kindness before placing any more demands on yourself. There is only one you and whilst it’s good to have goals and aspirations- you are enough as you are. X

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Officiallyarunner

Hi there. Thank you for replying. I appreciate you taking your time to read my post and replying to it. Perhaps I haven’t thought about how it’ll affect me mentally. When I started losing weight I felt so amazing I thought that was my turning point for the better but the last 6 months have been a mental hell to me. I started having panic attacks not wanting to go out anywhere as I feel like people look at me and think oh my god she’s so fat! She shouldn’t be wearing this because it makes her look worse or she shouldn’t even be out as she’s disgusting. I can’t help it. I feel like I’m being watched constantly and judged. Not just by people around me but myself. I know it’s silly but I can’t get that little voice out my head.

Officiallyarunner
Officiallyarunner2020 June in reply to Pixianna

Then I’d definitely consider if it’s time to make contact with a GP and see what support is there. Just an idea- but perhaps put the brakes on losing weight until you’ve strengthened your mindset with some support. Self care is so important and you deserve it.

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer

This year has been terrible for most of us. It’s bound to come out in severe stress signs - might that be you?

I see you’ve lost lots of weight on SW. I understand that a lot of people find that diet very difficult to maintain. Eventually their bodies go on strike over the lack of fat and they collapse back into the arms of chocolate and crisps - not because they are greedy pigs, but because our bodies need fat. You nay want to look into Low Carb High Fat - it’s quite hard to stuff yourself with chocolate, when you have just eaten a big plate of bacon, sausage and egg, or a lot of cheese or whatever.

Intermittent fasting is supposed to be especially good for stomach fat and reabsorbing excess skin through a process called autophagy. Subtle_badger can tell you more )as I am not a faster myself).

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Slim_for_good

To be fair COVID 19 didn’t affect me as such if that’s what you meant in your first sentence. I worked through it, even worked through Easter making ventilators. Last year was just as bad until I joined slimming world and started losing but after few months my mentality changed and I realised I’m not learning anything new. I basically paid to be weighed and couple of days before weighing I either didn’t eat much (breakfast and that’s it) or I would eat stuff that gave me no energy just to see that loss on scales. I mean that’s not right is it and It was always the same conversation so I stopped going. Since then I’ve been gaining 3-6lbs and losing it. I read a lot about low carb diet. I did try it for few days but my body craved carbs like there’s not tomorrow. The reason why I stuff myself with chocolate isn’t because I’m hungry it’s because after dinner I always want sweet. Doesn’t matter I’m full, I must have it. I always feel hungry. I wake up hungry and after every meal I can yet again within 10-15 mins. I eat bacon and sausages for breakfast or lunch. My breakfast is always huge. I don’t think I could cope with fasting considering how I feel after not having breakfast within half hour from getting up. I’ll read more about low card high fat diet though. Thank you.

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

The first few weeks of low carb are hard. If you still want to eat after your dinner, there was not enough of it and not enough fat. If you still want to eat chocolate, keep stuffing yourself with cream and cheese. Not forever but for the first few weeks. I ate whole camemberts like biscuits to start with. Fasting is dramatically easier when you have been eating low carb for a while. I used to have terrible symptoms of hunger and could never ever ever fast. I would shake, sweat, get confused, lose motor control. 7 months of low carb, I quite often skip breakfast. I don’t especially think about it as fasting, but it is.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Slim_for_good

Cheese? Ew. I hate cheese. I only tolerate it on pizza (I eat pizza twice maybe 3 times a year). I also don’t drink alcohol. Not a drop. I’m very picky if it comes to food but I’m proud of myself for making everything from scratch in healthy way. The symptoms you described is what I get if I don’t have breakfast. I can’t imagine not having it. I skip lunch. So I eat at around 7am and then around 4pm and after that I have chocolate and crisps and that’s it for the day.

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

we all have different things we like to eat. I can only make suggestions based on my experience so if you are a more restricted eater you will need to do your own research. Diet doctor .com is full of free recipes. Ask yourself the question. if your 4pm meal leaves you wanting to eat chocolate and crisps, might it be missing something. You don’t need to answer to me, this is all about you finding you the right answers so you can feel well in yourself. I also used to cook entirely from scratch and also used to top up with crisps and chocolate and sweets. I used to wonder what I would look like if I never ate the top up junk - the answer is my profile picture.

TheAwfulToad
TheAwfulToadAmbassador

If you have been doing calorie-counted low-fat diets for years on end, your predicament is not unexpected. See here:

psychologytoday.com/intl/bl...

One of the reasons I get so damn upset about "portion control" and suchlike is because of stories like yours.

It doesn't have to be like this. Human bodies are perfectly capable of managing their bodyfat at a healthy level when given the chance. We just never given them the chance, thanks to boneheaded advice from "experts". You do not need a "kick up the bum". You just need to start eating proper, healthy food. And to be clear: "healthy" meals that drive you to snack on crisps and chocolate are not healthy. Just because the government tells you that they are doesn't make it true. There's a lots of things the government says that are patent nonsense, and "eat less fat and do more exercise" unfortunately is one of them.

Getting it right will fix both your body and your mind. It's not going to be a miracle cure - more of a process - but it will get you on the right path. This time next year you could be slim, healthier, and most likely happier ... if you want to.

Unfortunately I don't have time at the moment to post a full reply, but if you drop in on the LCHF forum you'll get some good pointers:

healthunlocked.com/lchf-diet

However many of the members there are also members here (eg., Slim_for_good), so hopefully they'll chip in.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to TheAwfulToad

Thank you for your reply. First of all I don’t eat healthy foods that government deemed them as healthy. I eat foods that are low in fat (can’t stand fatty bits to be fair) but as a veggie hater I rely on fruit and only when I fancy it. I do eat some veg but also only when I fancy it otherwise they spoil my meal. I will have a look at lchf however, I read about it before and tried it for a little while and I felt worse than I do now. Thank you again.

TheAwfulToad
TheAwfulToadAmbassador in reply to Pixianna

It's possible you were doing LCHF incorrectly - a lot of people get the details wrong on the first try. Many people don't like fat because they've spent so many years not eating it, but it's possible to "retrain" your tastes given a little practice.

I'll be totally honest here, though, because I don't think there's a gentle way to say this: you have to want to get better. If you're not prepared to radically change the way you eat (more veg, more healthy fats), you will remain ill, overweight and unhappy. It won't be easy to make those changes, but I guarantee the results will be worth it.

+1 to moreless's advice about checking (privately, if necessary) for Hashimoto's. This seems to be incredibly common these days, but was pretty rare 50 years ago. I can't help wondering if this has something to do with the Chernobyl power plant failure in the 80s.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to TheAwfulToad

Perhaps. I’ll educate myself on that matter and see where it takes me. I do understand that I need to want it. I won’t eat more veg though cause I hate them. I won’t make myself eat stuff that physically put me off my meal cause I’ll end up with eating disorder. I always cook from scratch, I use as little fat as possible (olive oil) and I don’t eat fat because I don’t like the taste. My meals are fine, it’s the cravings I’m struggling with. I’m also egg intolerant so that’s out my diet. I want to change but I don’t want it to affect me mentally like slimming world did after some time where I felt deprived and I had to watch every single bite I had and had to say no literally anything I fancied which then one day got out of control.

TheAwfulToad
TheAwfulToadAmbassador in reply to Pixianna

That's OK. Baby steps. A lot of people have restricted eating patterns that make it hard to adopt healthier eating habits. But since your meals have brought you where you are now, I'm sure you know your meals are absolutely not fine. Eating "as little fat as possible" is directly responsible for your cravings - partly because (by definition) you are getting an excessive fraction of calories from carbs, and partly because your body is desperately seeking out something that it needs.

Are you sure you hate all vegetables? They are a wide range of them. Start with ones you hate the least and find nice ways to cook them! Would you, for example, hate Parmigiana di melanzane?

insidetherustickitchen.com/...

If the answer is "that looks nice", then you've already made a good start (that's an LCHF-type meal, ie., lots of veggies and lots of fat). If your reaction is "ugh", then I'm afraid you already have an eating disorder...

Not surprised Slimming World made you go crazy. IMO those guys ought to be shut down.

Anyway, I'll leave it there because I think there's a lot more going on here than can be helped with advice from random strangers on the Internet! I wish you luck.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to TheAwfulToad

I wouldn’t say I hate all veggies. There’s about 6 I really like but I have to fancy them in order to enjoy them.

Yeah, the picture you listen is ew. It’s because of cheese. I hate cheese. I hate the smell of it and the flavour.

Slimming world helped me lose weight while eating loads which was great but at the same time the foods I couldn’t eat made me go into this weird mental state.

Thank you for replying.

elliebath
elliebathMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

Hi, I used to eat low fat for nearly forty years, cuz that was the diet advice from the 1970's to the 2000's . Every magazine and slimming club promoted low fat. It sort of worked briefly but I couldn't keep it off longterm. It was only a few years ago that I learned the benefit of more fats and less carb. I don't really like the fat on meat either, but you can add healthy fat in a way that you don't really have to fully taste it. Add cream to coffee, cook with a knob of butter or olive oil, snack on nuts, and choose oily fish like salmon, kippers or tinned sardines (I like mine with tomato). Do you eat eggs? If so they are a good filling protein and 2-3 eggs scrambled with a knob off butter make a very satisfying breakfast or lunch.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to elliebath

Hiya. I’m considering giving it a go. I can’t eat eggs. I’m egg intolerant 😭 I started using olive oil since Frylight destroyed all my good pans. I do like fish and nuts. I don’t drink coffee but love my tea. I use skimmed milk though. I’ve noticed a big difference in my weight when I switched to low fat, low calorie, low or zero sugar and wasn’t using oil. I lost a lot of weight then. Now I started having white bread every now and then and oil instead of low calorie cooking sprays and my weight keep going up and down (+3lbs usually then back down).

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

I am going to say one more thing here. What you eat today affects what you want to eat tomorrow. What you eat for your meals determines what you crave. Cravings are not independent of your normal eating, theres no separate part of your body determining cravings. If you eat chocolate today, you will crave it tomorrow. If you eat low fat this morning, you will crave fat in the afternoon.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Slim_for_good

Interesting. I never thought of cravings like that. Perhaps you’re right. I know that when I ditched chocolate when I started sw journey I was losing 1-2lbs a week and felt great but then my body started telling me that I can’t deprive myself. That I should eat what I want. I also noticed I lose the most weight when I have takeaway (once sometimes twice a month).

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

On slimming world, you aren’t ‘craving’, you are just hungry....

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Slim_for_good

That’s true. But I’m always hungry. I wake up hungry and I go to bed hungry. I eat a lot but I don’t overeat.

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

If you are always hungry it’s because you have lost the ability to hear your appetite control hormone leptin, and can only hear your appetite boosting hormone Grehlin. The only way to shut up ghrelin and hear leptin, is to massively reduce your insulin production which you do by cutting carbs. Producing large amounts of Insulin over time prevents your body from hearing leptin - which is actually produced by your fat cells to tell you you do not need any more food. Obese people have huge d amounts of leptin washing around in their blood stream, it’s like the body screaming ‘stop eating’, but we can’t hear it.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Slim_for_good

I have never heard of that. How do you know so much? It’s very interesting.

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

People on the low carb part of HU pointed me in the right direction then I did some reading. I had terrible hunger symptoms so it was really important to me to find out what could be causing that.. ‘The art and science of low carbohydrate living’ was very helpful but it is very Science dense. The way my brain works, I need to understand why a diet works for myself. And it does!

moreless
morelessAdministrator

Hi Pixianna,

I think it's quite likely that you may have thyroid problems. Hashimoto's Disease can cause symptoms of both hypo and hyperthyroidism and also depression, anxiety, panic attacks, lack of energy and weight gain. My advice would be for you to also join the Thyroid UK forum healthunlocked.com/thyroiduk

If you also have PCOS, then a low carb way of eating will help that, especially as a gluten free diet is often recommended for hypothyroidism. Have a look at these dietdoctor.com/low-carb/ben...

youtu.be/N2KD-nTiJ14?t=5

This simple way of eating could certainly help healthunlocked.com/api/redi...

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to moreless

Hiya. I thought about it. I mentioned it to my doctor 2 years ago and I was told I’m exaggerating and that I should stop reading stuff online 🤦‍♀️It put me off going to doctors ever again but perhaps I need to do this because I’m scared where I’ll be in the next month or so if this carries on. Thank you.

moreless
morelessAdministrator in reply to Pixianna

My advice would be to pay for a comprehensive blood test and then get the members of the TUK forum to interpret them for you. They are extremely knowledgeable and very helpful.

Hi Pixianna

I want to echo what people have said about being kind to yourself. You are worth it and enough as you are.

What stands out to me is your lack of sleep, I'm not sure anyone can be motivated with only 4 hours of broken sleep a night. I have had similar bouts of insomnia and have felt the emotions you describe. I really think you need to speak to the GP about this. The telephone appointments can be daunting, I would much prefer face to face also. However you are worth pushing through and having that appointment. xx

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Ducky33

Hiya. Thank you for your reply. I do need to make an appointment even if it’s a phone consultation because I can’t carry on like that. I’m scared, panicked, confused and full of rage inside towards myself for feeling like that. I don’t want to feel like that anymore.

elliebath
elliebathMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

Another way to talk to your GP is to write a letter. I once wrote to my GP explaining my problem. She was very nice and called me in. The appointment was more efficient as she'd already had time to think about "my case" and I felt less inhibited.

Hi Pixianna

Okay so I’m going to be that kick up the arse you need I’m the same as you lost nearly 3 stone but I still have at least another 3 to lose so yes I’m still fat and that can get you down sometimes as we all want that magic pill, but what you need to focus on is how good you felt when you started losing weight that feeling beats any bar of chocolate, do you have any photos to compare or old clothes to put on and see how far you’ve come . I find getting up and doing exercise helps me focus for the day then at night my partner works nights so I go to bed early and watch telly in bed away from the kitchen, if you feel like snacking brush your teeth it never tastes nice after that 😂. Or go for a walk that helps so much mentally aswell. You need to stop punishing yourself give yourself some credit for what you have achieved which is amazing try to focus on not putting the weight back on rather than fighting to get it off all of the time I also use the app my fitness pal to count calories it’s so easy and helps me make the right choices.

Pick yourself back up stop feeling sorry for yourself bloody hell ive got a kangaroo pouch belly after having twins but nothing a good pair of knickers can’t hide 😂😂 no one is perfect even skinny people wear the Bridget knickers to hold flabby bits in it’s apart of all of us after kids You can easily hide it under clothes and any partner you have won’t care if they do their the idiot and don’t deserve you and your womanly bits, you’ve done the right thing posting on here so you still want to do it make today a fresh start come on you got this girl 👊

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Mummywilliams

Hiya. Thanks for your reply. I can’t wear my old clothes because they fly off my bum. I had to get rid of 90% of my clothes because they were too big. I started buying size 14 which I haven’t worn in like 12 years. I even fit into some size 12. I mean that’s great. I feel great then unless the t shirt I want to wear reveals how big my stomach is then the feeling is gone so I usually buy t shirts that are slightly baggy or long ones that hide my whole stomach. You mentioned that the great feeling I had when I started losing weight beats any bar of chocolate. Not in my case. I want it. I want it now. I want it so badly I can’t stay away. That feeling inside me is so intense I can’t stop myself. I have days when I won’t touch any sweets but that craving then comes back million times worse and it hits me. I want to get up and exercise but my legs are always made of candy floss. My mind is racing but my body doesn’t follow. I mean I go for a walk before work every morning and then sometimes in the evening which makes me feel great but not great enough to turn it into exercise even though I’d love to be addicted to exercise and be slim and love myself. My husband has never ever said 1 negative thing about my body. He has never told me I should lose weight. He has always said how much he likes my body. But that’s him not me. I had a very toxic relationship with my ex who was telling me constantly how fat and disgusting I was. He took my money so I wouldn’t eat so I could lose weight. He used to print of pics of skinny (not slim) women and plaster whole bathroom with them as a motivation. He used to tell me how he doesn’t want to touch me because he’ll be sick. There’s a lot more to it but I won’t go into it as it’s too much to write. I have noticed that I thrive on abusing myself mentally now. I know how weird that sounds but telling myself how disgusting I am and punching my stomach gives me a feel of relief for few mins. I have around 3st left to lose. I am 5ft 1 and I weigh 11st 10lbs (at least I did a week ago) maybe even more now.

Mummywilliams
Mummywilliams2st 7lbs in reply to Pixianna

That’s so horrible of your ex glad he’s your ex but do feel you might need some help to deal with the damage he’s caused or you will never feel happy with your body 😕 try having a piece of chocolate just limit it to within your calories I have crisps and biscuits every day

Good luck xx

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Mummywilliams

I am happy he’s an ex. We have a child together but my son sees him rarely. My son said that my ex used to say nasty stuff about me. Since then he hasn’t been going there as often. Thank you. I’m feeling positive for a change x

basten
basten2020 July in reply to Pixianna

Fully understand.ive eaten fat and veg and still crave sweet stuff. All the time . Not keen on too much fatty meat as I have trouble chewing it no matter how well done. Yes sounds like half your problem is no. 1 your ex and no.2 not liking yourself your body etc. I hate my body. Always have. But now I say...right look at that woman there....shes got a big arse or big belly....what do I thi k of her? Answer. Nothing. I just see her fir her. Its what's inside that counts too. You bash yourself up with that big stick. Your partner loves you for you. You sound like me you have to have sugar?? No matter what you've eaten. We have and are going to feel crap stopping it for days. Grumpy moody depressed headache lethargic. I've gotta try I'm overweight. Not keen on eggs either nor bread constipates and bloats me. When we set our goals too high and fail to achieve we are the first to say we are useless. We are not. Small steps.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to basten

I always crave sweet after dinner. It’s such a strong craving as well. Sometimes I try to keep myself busy so I don’t think about it but I can’t stop. I know my husband loves me for me but I want to lose weight to get my confidence back. I used to be social and quite outgoing and if I was after something whether it was a new job or something I had the confidence and determination to at least try and get it. Now I just lock myself out. Out of sight out of mind type of thing. When someone pays me a compliment I never believe it because why would I? I’m 3st overweight with belly hanging low covering my lady bits. My boobs sag like hell. That’s not a body of a 33 year old. That’s a body of an 90 year old.

elliebath
elliebathMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

My daughter is 5ft 1 age 32 so roughly the same age and height as you. Two years ago she was very low and went up to 12st and felt even worse. Eventually she agreed to see GP who tested her cortisol hormone, it was thru the roof. Her GP recommended: daily exercise, fresh food, mainly plant based with some added chicken/ fish /eggs /cream/oil... no white carb, alcohol or sugar. The change in her was amazing. She is now a fit 9st , sleeps well and much happier 😊

Edit: PS she isn't a total saint she has the odd dessert or half a pizza with friends, but very occasionally.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to elliebath

I was 14st 2lbs last year. I am 2.5stone lighter now but the fat is still all over my body especially my belly and my thighs. Thank you. I’ll get in touch with my gp and see what they say.

elliebath
elliebathMaintainer in reply to Pixianna

That's a great first step. Well done ☺

elliebath
elliebathMaintainer in reply to Mummywilliams

Hear hear Mummywilliams

Hands up all of us who own a pair of lycra Bridget Jones's!!!

Me for one !! 😊

gman1961
gman1961Working at it

Very positive to come on here and share your situation and how you are feeling .

Sometimes we don't know where to start ,but you have taken a step forward in trying to sort things out.

Seek help from your G/p and then little by little.

Good luck Pixianna.

Gary

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to gman1961

Thank you Gary.

Kazzy18
Kazzy182020 May

Hi Pixanna,

I’m sorry you have got to such a low place, I know how you feel. I felt like this once, finally went to the Doctor and was eventually diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease (hypothyroid). While it wasn’t a magic bullet that solved my problems by any means, it did help me understand why I struggle with weight, mood and other symptoms. So I echo the above comments to get a doctors appointment and be persistent in wanting full blood tests, even though we are in peculiar times, Doctors recognise that other illnesses are still here!

The other things that help me are getting out to exercise, just a regular walk outside can help. If you don’t do this already, then it’s a good place to start. I’m. Great believer in the positivity of being outside when things get too much.

Foodwise, keeping a diary might help. When I wrote it down is when I do better and make better choices. I also use my Fitbit app to log my food, or you could use something like my fitness pal.

Good luck, keep posting for support!

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Kazzy18

Hi Kazzy. Thank you. I will definitely call doctors at some point. I must. I do walk every morning before work and sometimes in the evening if I don’t feel all panicky because of people being around where in the morning I rarely see anyone. I did use Fitness Pal but kept on forgetting to make a record of my meals 🤦‍♀️ or perhaps I didn’t do it because I was scared of what I’d see. The thing is my brain isn’t in sync with my body. When my body is willing my brain says it won’t help, I’ll always be fat but when my brain is like yeah let’s go girl, my body is made of candy floss and I can’t move. I hate that feeling. Hope it makes sense.

Kazzy18
Kazzy182020 May in reply to Pixianna

It really does make sense. When I am having a bad thyroid day I can almost feel frozen....like I know what to do but can’t make myself do it. It’s often referred to as brain fog which describes it perfectly I think 😆. Should you suspect your thyroid might be an issue, you should find the thyroid forum on this website, it’s a wealth of information.

I do find recording My food tiresome but it does make a difference when I can be bothered.

Definitely get onto the Docs...they also found I was very deficient in vit d so I now have to take a supplement which helps.

I have recently been reading books/listening to podcasts by Dr Rangan Chatterjee, he is a GP who advocates a whole lifestyle change Including diet, exercise, mindfulness etc. He is quite inspiring and I’m working on incorporating his advice into my life.

Also, if you feel like you can’t say these things to your Dr, I suggest you take your original post for them to read. Sometimes it’s hard to say it out loud. And if you are fobbed off, make an appointment with a different gp straight away.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Kazzy18

Brain fog? Yes, it does describe it well. Well if I look up my symptoms it does come back as thyroid issue. Not sure which one as I seem to have a little bit of both. I have joined that forum but there’s so much info I have up reading it.

During the whole COVID 19 we only have phone consultation and we can’t choose to speak to another doctor unfortunately. However, I am going to try. I am off work today and I could do it today but for some reason I feel very strange about it. I know once I’ll start talking about it on the phone I’ll start crying and panicking. Typing this now makes me well up.

I’ll have a read about Dr Rangan Chatterjee. Maybe he’ll help me too.

Jeromicus888
Jeromicus8882020 April

Hi Pixianna I am so sorry your not well and am struggling. I understand how hard it can be as I myself am struggling to lose 3 stone Ok get some chromium tablets they will stop any sugar cravings. I suspect you have many health issues which is making it so difficult for you to lose weight. Look up Candida albicans. Cut out sugar wheat and dairy if you can. Keep a food drink medication and symptoms diary. Try and set a good sleeping pattern as insomnia is shocking I too don’t sleep well. Tell yourself you will do this. I am currently trying all I can to lose weight. The one diet I found that helped me was the one food diet. You don’t eat anything out of a packet or Tin it’s basically salads, fresh fish, veg, seeds and nuts etc as you could be lacking in certain nutrients or vitamins or you’re not absorbing them properly. Make sure your getting vitamin B 100 try also vitamin D too from Holland and Barrett. Could you go walking with a friend or even your husband or son. Weight is very personal and some people don’t worry about it at all and others just want to be slim and healthy. Who can blame them when we are bombarded with the images of looking perfect 24/7. No wonder we all Feel so down for falling short of perfection we are putting ourselves under such physical and emotional strain which is awful but we all do it. Try to get as much fresh air as possible and ask at the Drs if there are any support or slimming groups nearby. Would counselling help are you under a lot of pressure in other areas of your life if so that’s just more added stress. You could have problems with your adrenals and thyroid. I will find you a telephone number for nutrivital as they do lots of great supplements that may help. Has your dr tested you for thyroid issues and could you ask them to do full blood work tests. You need help and support do you have a best friend who could diet or exercise with you as it may help you. Try drinking only bottled water as the tap water is filled with all sorts of stuff which will not help you get better. You deserve to be happy and it’s not good with the lock down as we are not used to this level of pressure fear and isolation. Try watching as many things on tv that make you laugh as the emotions will help you and this will lift your mood. In the morning get boiled water a fresh lemon and Manuka honey mixed together and drink on an empty stomach this will settle your tummy for the day. Try Epsom, magnesium or Dead Sea salt baths as this helps you remove toxins from the body. Go onto you tube to find some inspiration on diets health and wellness and tell yourself you will be happy slim and healthy over and over again. Wear your best clothes get dressed up and get out even if it’s just walking with your son and husband. Am so sorry to see you suffering no wonder you are so down and being a wife and a mum comes with a lot of pressures but it’s great to see that your husband and son are not putting you under any pressure. My last partner made me ill as he was obsessed with my weight thank heavens I got rid of him. 😂🤣😂. I wish you the very best and I hope you have a lovely day. If you need someone to talk to this site is the best everyone is so nice and will go the extra mile to help us feel better or get us advice which helps. This site has kept me sane when I thought I was losing my mind. Please let us all know how you get on. Cheers. J. xx

Camella
Camella2020 July

Hello lovely,

According to the nhs:

Your diet should include plenty of fruit and vegetables, (at least 5 portions a day), whole foods (such as wholemeal bread, wholegrain cereals and brown rice), lean meats, fish and chicken.

Your GP may be able to refer you to a dietitian if you need specific dietary advice.

Weight loss of just 5% can lead to a significant improvement in PCOS.

Calorie counting can be confusing. Keep it simple, use the nhs 12 week weight loss plan. This is a simple plan. Each week there is a calorie sheet to complete. The easiest way to do this is by using the nhs calorie counter. It gives you a rough idea how many calories are in each meal.

I think it's worth getting into for a month or two because, you are able to monitor how much you are eating. This is important in order to track the deficit. You need to move more and eat less.

You said you feel good after you exercise. So do this more. Even if you don't "feel" like it. Exercise releases endorphins - in turn this makes you feel good.

I think you will do great. I know you mentioned that you struggle with motivation - you just need to get a workout partner to help with your motivation. The trouble with motivation, is that it comes and goes.

What you really need is drive and commitment. Use your beautiful children and grandchildren as the force behind your drive to want to change.

Ideas to get fit:

How about join a local walking group or cycling group? The gyms open 25th July. Sign up tomorrow and ask a fitness instructor to provide you with a fitness programme. You said you need to get kick start. So start now babe. You've got this!

No change will happen - unless you start to make those changes yourself.

I'm a fitness enthusiast. Join me on Instagram. My username is kimoraxxxx

I help alot of women with self-confidence, fitness and motivation. It's a free online platform that I utilise to empower women.

I'm here to help you. We can talk more on Instagram.

Camella X

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Camella

Thank you for your reply. I know about the nhs 5 portions of fruit and veg but tell me how does one make themselves eat something they either hate or don’t want to eat? I mean I like fruit and I’ll have some occasionally but veg to me is like marmite to those who hate it. I eat lean and fresh meats, I eat wholemeal bread. I can do the nhs 12 week plan and see how I get on. I don’t have a workout partner cause I’m a loner. I had a good fitness mate but she moved to another job and since then she barely gets in touch. I would love to join a gym. I almost did months ago and then the lockdown happened. I don’t want to do this on my own though. I really don’t. Considering how I feel about being around people joining a gym or walking group would be a huge struggle for me. I want to but I don’t at the same time. I’ll have a look at nhs 12 week plan and go from there. My meals are always pre planned for whole week and I cook everything from scratch. I use low fat meat. My meals aren’t the problem. My cravings are. I actually removed Instagram yesterday as it didn’t do anything for me.

Camella
Camella2020 July in reply to Pixianna

Hello lovely,

I understand. You will love the nhs 12 week plan. It's great. It offers structure. It's fabulous. Let me know how you get on.

That's great about the fruits. Keep it up! I understand about the vegetables. How about putting your vegetables in a smoothie? I've recently bought a blender to help increase the amount of vegetables I eat. That could be something to give a go. Introduce more veg then fruit because once the fruits are blended, they release sugar which in large quantities can affect tooth decay etc. So always use more veg then the fruits. I like to snack on vegetables aswell as eat them for my main meals so that I achieve my 5 a day. If you struggle with eating veg in your main meal, you could have carrot sticks or cucumber sticks - they would make lovely healhty alternative snacks. Do you like any of those? What about sweet corn - do you like it? Tell yourself - your body needs it. You need to do it for your health. You get use to it and start to like it. 😁

Your cravings - do not remove something you love. Such as sweets. Chocolate or crisps. You just need to have them in moderation. Today why not try this. If you like Haribo for example just have 1 option of the Haribo brand, not everything. If that makes sense. Same with chocolate. So if you like Galaxy don't get Mars, Twix, Milky Way etc. Does that makes sense? Start to just limit to "one type" . This will be a massive change. Another change only go to certain shops as well. So a new habit might be to reduce the places where you go to get the snacks you are craving. Does that make sense?

Another trick - if you want that craving perhaps you have to "work for it" - the work might be to go for a short walk. Something you would not normally do. But it positively contributes to your health😁 This way you are staying accountable and you are not letting yourself off the hook.

Finally, do not bulk buy. Have a rule. 1 or 2 per day. Stick to it. Develop a positive habit and control the relationship you have with food. Commitment as I said earlier. You've got this babe. 😁

As for fitness - you've got this. It's good that you'd like to join a gym. But I understand you are not ready. There are alot of women only gyms. How would you feel about that?

Or you can train online. U tube videos. I've done some videos. I'm doing a homework out at the moment to help women. It's free. Camella Davis - u tube. Its ultimately helping women to achieve a 5K. The workout for the first 6 weeks is all at home using stairs. You do 1.2 miles on your stairs. You build up to this. It's on my Instagram. After speaking to your doctor about whether or not it would be appropriate for you. You are welcome to have a go!

Gutted you are not on Instagram.

Camella X

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Camella

I do like smoothies. I guess I could try vegetable smoothie. What vegetables do you recommend for blending? My husband bought me a proper smoothie blender and while I used it everyday last year, this year I can’t seem to be into it.

Carrots are a big no no unless they’re cooked and soft. I love my soups and j always add carrots to them. I like cucumber but I won’t have it on it own. I like it with salmon or ham for breakfast but I need to fancy it in order to eat it otherwise I feel physically sick. Sweet corn is a no no. It’ll be easier to say what I do like. I like cucumber, lettuce, mushrooms, peas, green beans, broccoli and sometimes cauliflower. That’s literally it.

I love my galaxy chocolate. I don’t like any other sweets but chocolate. I started buying chocolate that my husband liked but I don’t hoping it’d stop the craving but it hasn’t. It made me super grumpy.

I have literally 1-2 chocolate bars but I’m not very active (5k steps a day is like max nowadays) so it all makes me fat.

I’d love to do YouTube workouts (I did before) but it’s not that I don’t want to exercise as such, it’s physically getting up to do. I’m super lazy. I’m a couch potato if you like.

Camella
Camella2020 July in reply to Pixianna

Hey hey hey,

That's great that you like smoothies. That's wonderful of your husband to buy you the blender too. I understand. We just need to get you back into the habit of making the smoothies. Why not start by choosing what days you will have your smoothie to help ease you in? Start with twice per week and stick to it. Make a smoothie tomorrow perhaps. Use all the vegs that you enjoy aswell as, spinach, kale, cauliflower and carrots. These are all good options to add to your smoothie. Add nuts, seeds, berries and dark leafy greens and milk. That way you get your 5 A Day fruit and vegetables. I personally love banana and spinach! nhs.uk/live-well/eat-well/h...

This link will take you to the nhs website for healthy breakfast snacks - "lighter bites" it's a green smoothie. That's probably closest to the one I regualry drink only it has more fruit in it such as mango and peach. Try it - it may inspire you. You like cucumber, lettuce, mushrooms, peas, green beans, broccoli and cauliflower. That's loads of veg. Keep this up - keep introducing them in your meal prep!

Consistency is key. You have to do it for your health. You have to do it babe. It's simple. You have to do it.

The cravings won't stop unless you put something in place or limit the amount. Does that make sense? You have to be proactive in changing your lifestyle. You have to be proactive in changing your lifestyle. Re-educate your brain to say, "I'm going to try something new". If you don't do it. You can not change. You will stay the same. You have to do this for you babe.

So what I suggest is when it's gets hard and you feel "grumpy" go for a walk. De stress - we can all walk whether we like it or not. It's great to release those endorphins and make you feel happy.

Then ask yourself if you still want that chocolate. If you do decide to buy it, eat half and throw the rest away.

You have to control it. Does that make sense? Some change has to happen. It needs to happen babe.

It's all about the mindset. You have to be strong.

How do you feel about limiting the number of shops and not buying in bulk? Will you do this? Ask your family to support. There's no point your partner coming home with all your favourite chocolate. Get the family involved too - that is a must. Inform them of your goals so that your family are on board.

Couch exercises will be great for you. Why not get workout dvds and do them from your couch. Or do squats equivalent which is standing up from the sofa and sitting back down. Aim for 5 per day for two times per week to increase your strength in your lower body. How does that sound? When it gets easier, you just add more reps. That way you are in control of your workout and you go at your own pace. It will strengthen your bum, calfs and legs.

Do not give yourself a label. You are not a couch potato.

You a working progress 😁🙌🏿

Camella X

Lynne64
Lynne64Restart Jan 2020

Hiya. Like others, I think the first thing you need to do is see a gp to discuss your mental health. Medication might be needed just to try to stabilise your mood. But that's only the very beginning of what may be a long journey for you. You clearly have very negative thoughts about how you look. I didnt hear you say what a rubbish wife or mum you were, so that really gave me hope. It appears to be all centered around your body image. And I'm not minimising that, having that apron of low hanging skin must be very distressing. Perhaps through the gp and psychological services, there may be a way to address it. But mood stability needs to be the first place to start...then comes the hard part where you need to address motivation/negative thinking/ excuses for eating crap (which makes you feel crap) But start with your gp. So many of us on here, came here cos we have issues, leading to issues with food. As food is so much more socially acceptable that drugs and alcohol. It's cheaper too! Do let us know how your getting on and I will be thinking of you

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Lynne64

Hi Lynne. What you just said really hit me. You’re right. 100%. It’s all about my body image. I think I’m a good mum and a good wife. I only started thinking like that though not long ago. I used to see myself as a total and complete failure in every single way possible. While I still have moments where I think I should’ve done more to ensure my son has a good shot in life or to ensure my husband doesn’t stop loving me. In the end I addressed my insecurities, had thinking storm and realised I am the way I am and I feel the way I feel due to my weight. Due to how I was treated by my ex husband because of my weight. I can’t seem to shake it off. He’s done horrible things to me. My current husband though is amazing however, he doesn’t understand the whole I feel like shit and I panic and I don’t want to get out of bed. He’s had to grow up and go to work and look after his disabled mum from very young age (12 years old) and I think it’s made him tough mentally and he doesn’t let negativity rule him. I’ve always been the way I am but it’s never been as bad as it is now. I feel like a helpless child. I do agree that food in so much socially acceptable than anything else. I just don’t get why I can’t make myself understand that I’m basically killing myself or shortening my life by eating crap. That few mins of bliss after having chocolate is amazing but the hours of hell afterwards break me.

Lynne64
Lynne64Restart Jan 2020 in reply to Pixianna

Gp for you sweetie! Now I'm not going to give you healthy eating tips or how to manage cravings, cos you know how to do that, you currently just dont have the emotional or psychological wellness to follow through with that at the minute. I'm so glad you have a lovely hubby. And with your wee boy, your doing the very best you can at the minute. With the right help, who knows, you might be in a much better mental place by the time dreaded puberty comes along and you'll be fit for chasing him home 😁 there is hope because your alive! Of course, it's going to be hard, but your survived an abusive relationship and got out! That means, whether you accept it or not, that you have strength within you, lots of it. Your just not able to access it right now, without help

H61g
H61g6lbs in reply to Pixianna

I’m with lynne here. See a gp. You are perfectly within your rights to request to speak to a different doctor or move gp practices. You’ve had a traumatic experience and you need some mental health support which you can access via your gp. You are not going mad, you just need someone to talk to who is skilled enough to help you move on from the trauma and address your body image issues. Wishing you all the very best.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to H61g

If I had the money I would’ve gone to psychiatrist for counselling. I hate feeling that. Since my ex that’s how I’ve been feeling. I’ve just bottled it all up for years and now it’s all coming out and I can’t seem to stop it.

as2pls
as2pls2020 July

Please don't punch your stomach.....you don't deserve that! I think all previous posts have done really well so whatever tips and tricks they have run with it!

I am working from home so have'time' at the moment to do a 2 hour 15 minute walk ( usually around 16k to 20k steps) which by the time I come back home and have some dinner within an hour I have s wave of sleepiness. I have been told not to look at screens 2 hours before bed as this stops melatonin production which aids in sleep. I wake within 2 to 3 hours throughout night but dont touch my phone. Sometimes I am too hot so open windows. I sometimes put some rain or fan noise on and concentrate on that. I think fridge or hoover sounds help too....I think its the white noise.

When i go shopping i do not buy chocolate, crisps, cakes. For kids I buy kinder egg each week and thats it. For their treat/snacks they have the mini sugar free chub a chub lollipops, ice cream cones with ice cream once a week, and the naked natural bars.

If you do the shopping , you are in control of what comes into the house.

I like no fat quark , low fat pineapple cottage cheese and at moment using half spoon silver sugar and nativa but looking for improvements.

I think Dr Unwins teaspoon equivalent sugar glycaemic index is good.

I try to do 12 hour fasts as well as my 2 hour walks. I will still have teas, a coffee, low cal soup but will eat around 5pm. I have steamed green beans, low fat cottage cheese or wuark, 1 or 2 chopped grapefruits. I fill up in zero fizzy pop....not ideal but the bubbles in them fill me. I like zero tango and vimto. I make lebtils, beans, tofu as my source of protein.

My diet is not the best but with this so far I lose 0.1kg each day so its taking around 10 days to 2 weeks to lose 1kg.

As everyone says it takes minutes to scoff a few hundred cals but hours to burn them so start Looking at the packs. It demotivates me now from eating this.

Sleep is really impottant if you are struggling see your gp.

Hi Pixianna,

First positive about you: what a beautiful name! Next positive: you have a man and a son who love you.

First negative: the two who love you most are letting you down. Not intentionally maybe but they need to see your pain and help relieve it. Too many partners accept changes in their partners when they should be working with them to make them happy. If you see that your partner is unhappy, struggling, ask them to tell all about the problem then say "Okay, let's fix it together." Don't say "I'm okay, but you need to sort this out on your own." Both change eating and exercise habits so both improve health.

Your description of really bad sleeping, feeling guilty, snacking, no, bingeing on bad food is me too. I rarely go for hours sleep and have been that way for thirty plus years, I think it's a totally genetic as y mother was the same. She would not go to bed before 12.30 am " as I'll only be awake early." I have just spent a couple of days with kids and grandkids and had the best theee nights sleep in years so maybe really try to fill the day with exercise and physical movement maybe? Being stressed is not exercise.

I had a spell in hospital for years ago with cellulitis. Button by a bug in January, I had five fises of antibiotics before and hospital worked. A week in there, correct antibiotics and home. I was so ashamed of myself. Although the consultant told me being super obese was not the cause it was a reason I was unable to fight the disease I am certain. My real shame came from seeing people with major problems, fighting, using vital resources, while I was there with a bad leg, it was my lightbulb moment. I determined that I would never be a drain on the NHS again and that I would never be fitter that the day I die. I looked for a way to lose nine stones and get fit. I didn't fancy the mass crowd in a room type of group so went for the Campbridge weight Plan with a lovely lady called Jo Harding. I wanted to one-to-one help and face to face contact, both for pressure on me and to release pressure if I fell by the wayside. It worked. I still need to lose maybe three stones more but I feel fantastic. This is from a man who, going from one pub to another on the opposite side if the road would call a taxi go get there.

I walk a lot. I do get tired, fuzzy, if I walk a long way (3/4/5 miles plus) so do it every two or three days only. I fall off plan regularly but get straight back on. If I am asked out for a meal, Christmas or birthday, etc, I go. I eat whatever is given to me with out complaint, I try not to take too much but drink alcohol too. I have a great time. Then the next day I am back on plan. Who cares if weight loss has stalled? It starts again I promise you. I am living life again. I actually got fed up with the compliments! Jo, told me to accept them as they were well meant. There is a danger still though from friends and family. When I say that I need to lose three more stones they screw up their faces and say"Really? You dont want to go too far.." it is call ed killing with kindness and it is a real danger. They have no right to stop you becoming the person you want to be. I am a still borderline obese so I want it gone!

You only have one life and you are obliged ONLY to yourself. Live it, enjoy it, and others will accept it.

Please do what you think is right. Take care and go for it!

Stillontheroad...

freeway15
freeway15Restart July 2020

Hi Pixianna

I wish I could give you a huge hug. I understand how you feel and how you over analyse everything. I was similar and went to my doctor who sent me for CBT therapy with healthy minds in Buckinghamshire. It’s counselling but they teach you a better way of handling the stress and anxiety of all the endless options that have to be considered.

I am not cured but I am more accepting about my life and have found a better happiness for me. Happy for you to call me or do a zoom meeting if you want someone to talk to first. But going to a doctor is not failure - it’s strength.

Hippa
Hippa2019 December

You could try not having those treats in the house - I have had to do that with crisps which I cannot resist. If you have them, buy only one pack for yourself. I have stopped buying multi-packs for this reason, even though they work out much cheaper. For a sweet craving, try having a cup of tea with a big spoonful of honey in it - it is very sweet, less than 50 calories and surprisingly good at satisfying the craving (especially as it takes a longer time to ingest). You will also be unlikely to want another one. Other than this, drink a lot of water to feel full? Just some ideas which I use that I hope can help. I have managed to go from close to 14 stones to 12. I am stuck at this weight for the last few months and want to get back on track as I am still overweight but am glad that I have not regained it. Good luck!

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Hippa

We do shopping online and get it delivered so that’s how I try and control what I buy. Normally I’m not a huge crisps fan but chocolate is my weak point. I can have 1 chocolate bar a day but that stops me from losing weight. I was 14st 2lbs when I joined sw nearly a year ago. I’m at 11st 10lbs (11st 5lbs on sw scales). I need to lose more to enjoy summer wearing shorts and vests without feeling like a fat lump of crap. I drink roughly 3-4 litres of water a day but that makes me more hungry I’ve noticed. I’m always hungry.

Dancingshoes58
Dancingshoes58Restart July 2020

Hello, I am sure you must have heard the term depression. Like you l lost a lot of weight and put some back on due to this pandemic. Please go and see your GP and talk to them. There is a lot of help out there. I can hear determination in you but you need a little or big push to control other underlying issues that are distracting your daily routine. Hope this helps.

Hello and big thanks for sharing, these things are not easy to be open about. It’s a weight loss forum of course so we have a tendency to look at things through weight loss angle - things would get better if only we lost weight, right? That means we need to sort our food and all will fall into places, right?... What you say, however, is so much more than extra weight. It’s body image, it’s self-esteem, it’s ability to relate to others, it’s traumatic experiences, it’s feeling of failure, it’s a lack of sleep... To me this sounds more like PTSD than sugar cravings, even though I’m aware how dangerous it is to randomly throw some diagnoses around. People have been mentioning going to see your GP, somebody mentioned CBT and it would be absolutely great if you were able to follow that up. Only it’s sometimes near impossible to make oneself do what they know they should be doing and when they are not able to - makes them feel even more like a failure. It’s great you were able to share this and answer other people’s comments. How can we help you or who could help you to make those difficult first steps like making that call to your doctor? A lot of difficulties come from our overstimulated sympathetic nervous system, disrupted sleep including. Maybe some breathing exercises, relaxation techniques or mindfulness apps could be the first little step enabling you to make another one? I hope you will find some relief soon and we are all here for you, as I’m sure you realised from the number of replies to your post.

CherryClouds
CherryClouds2020 June

Hiya, (Apologies for the essay I didn't mean to write this much)

I really resonate with what you're feeling here as I have very similar days. The above comments has done really well in giving you some advice so I thought I'd put my hat in the ring too.

It is really hard to get grips with your mental health and that in itself is another journey additional to the weight loss. You've been through sooo much and you've got to really reward yourself for that. 3 stone is amazing! The fact you can look back at pictures, feel those little differences (even if small) and that you had to throw away your clothes as they wouldn't fit you anymore is amazing! Be kind to yourself here that truly is an amazing thing.

You said you stopped sw because you felt you were paying to get weighed, that's fine you've used them for what you wanted and to help kick start this. Now you're really going against yourself as you're probably not seeing those changes further but as you said, you felt you were adopting unhealthy behaviors that could not be sustained, practically starving yourself just for that weigh in day to show some results. It's good you've recognised those habits were not for you or sustainable, the first step in anything is recognition.

I suggest maybe taking a break from actively loosing weight, counting calories or whatever and maybe focus more on your mental health instead. This is not to say go straight into old habits but maybe just being less conscious of that side of things, carry on eating somewhat healthy foods in moderation, listen to your body when it wants food and when it is full, use smaller plates etc. There is a lot of little things we can do in a day that doesn't take that much effort or thought to do and no need to change our lifestyle drastically. Look into little goals rather than the bigger picture. There's many pieces in a puzzle until we get the full picture similarly there are many checkpoints or milestones in a journey before getting to the destination. What is your end point? is it realistic in the time given? what smaller steps or goals can we put in place to help reach that end point?

For me at least it sounds like you're stuck in a viscous cycle, our thoughts, behaviors and physical feelings are all linked together. One things triggers the other. For example, we step on the scales there's no change or a little gain... so then there's negative thoughts of us "not changing", "stuck like this", "fat forever", "unattractive" etc. So we then increase our bad eating behaviour such as eating loads of chocolate etc for comfort as it gives that short term good feeling ... but this obviously doesn't last as again the thoughts come in but now with the added feeling of guilt, this makes us feel even worse in ourselves and can turn to internal anger which ultimately turns to low mood. Now with low mood we now don't want to do anything and just comfort ourselves with either more food or no food at all. Then there may be a spike of confidence or motivation but ultimately again the cycle just continues again.

This cycle is the basis of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and the example is not based on anyone in particular it just seems to be the same thing I see in people but if you see yourself in it then great maybe CBT is for you.

CBT works to break this cycle by focusing in at one of these areas for example if we were to look into your behaviours. You've said in previous posts you look at pictures of before and afters of people who have lost weight (I'm guessing on Instagram). Comparing our-self to others is going to do us no favors and just fuel those negative thoughts. Every body is different. We all have different genetics, environments, stressors and lifestyles that influence us. If we just look at lockdown for example, majority of people have been furloughed and so had the time to workout a lot, focus on good eating etc. but others have still been working through this stressful time and so haven't had this gift of time to do these changes. You said it yourself you've been working the whole time, this is very stressful on out bodies as like it or not we're in a pandemic and it's going to have influence on us. If you are seeing these on instagram, unfollow that account and follow more body positive ones. I've been guilty of doing the same but now I follow pages like alexlight_ldn and yourbodyisworthy (if you want to have a look at them) as it makes me feel not alone in my body. Fill what you're looking at with more positive things or things that make you feel better, not worse.

Sleep- sleep is a huge things that effects our mood and thought patterns. During the day our brain fills up with byproducts of our normal days thinking and what a 6-8 hour sleep does is it flushes these all out. If we don't get decent sleep then the byproducts are there and getting in the way of the processes our brain needs for today and so we become sluggish, less concentrated, moody and tired (in the most simplest way possible). Have a look at some sleep hygiene stuff to help your sleep better. Identify the things that are doing bad and change it. For example someone mentioned screens before bed. They are entirely right, screens mess up a lot of things like giving off blue light and keeping us stimulated. This means our sleep cycles are off and we are more prone to headaches. Sleep is also important for body and muscle restoration. So it also means that it would have effect on our weight loss or gain. Like I said have a look at some sleep hygiene things there's lots of info out there the sleepcouncil.org.uk has some good resources.

I concur with the others saying you should seek some GP support even if it's to talk about your concerns. I know some others have suggested depression and things for you but in all honestly that and anxiety is a diagnosis flown around and used too much in the wrong way these days. I'd say you're struggling more with low mood due to your currently situation and frustration. However, it is always worth checking of you physical health such as thyroid etc to see if that has an influence. The GP may prescribe some medication for mental health which if you want to take them then do, there should be no stigma over this and many people feel it gives them that bit of change they need to go to support or to carry on moving with their goals. For mental health support you can always self refer to your local IAPT services. Here you would be triaged by a practitioner and found the best therapy for you, be is guided CBT self help, higher intensity CBT or even counselling. Or there's lots of other places just as healthy minds, mind, relate etc that can offer therapeutic support. Issue being is waiting lists, but usually with guided self help it's a lot shorter and can give you the ground work.

On the other side of that though, I know it's not best to suggest but if your 'apron' is prominently loose skin and this is the main thing that triggers your low mood maybe entertain the idea of a tummy tuck. This obviously is only for loose skin, not weight loss and an option only if you are happy with where you are at weight or size wise. It can help with body confidence and things, if that is the main thing you feel is holding you back. At least for me weight is just a number on the scales I just want to feel better in myself and this would be an option for me when I'm at a weight I am happy, maintain and feel good in but I may/will have loose skin that I can't get rid of. Again, for all the haters this is just a light suggestion to put it out there and by no means am I saying this is a resolution to the problem or anyone's problems for that matter.

- I have and am in a very similar situation to you so I somewhat know what you are feeling (I'm not going to say I know exactly how you feel because I'm not you, nobody is).

Talk to me anytime if you want support, sometimes we just need a buddy to help us through. Just to clarify, I'm a trained and practicing Counseller, CBT therapist and PWP (psychological wellbeing practitioner) so I know more than a little of what I'm talking about when it comes to mental health.

I could write so much more to you but I think I'll stop there for now haha didn't mean for this to become a mini essay.

The journey of weight loss is different for everyone and maybe you're just stumbling right now as there's some dips in the road but with some support and guidance you can find your way again. This is not to say it's going to get rocky again but maybe when it does it'll feel a bit less harder than this as you would know how to deal with it better. Keep your chin up and be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot here.

(I didn't spell or grammar check this so I apologize for my bad writing. I am also tired from working through all this :) )

Missdoubleyou
Missdoubleyou2020 June

Carbs definitely make me lethargic so it’s worth giving that a go.

You will feel dreadful for the lack of sleep so I’m sure things will look better once you get some help with that.

StillConcerned
StillConcernedMaintainer

Whilst carbs are used for intense activities, that isn't what's needed for most day to day stuff. So what's happened is that we've been sold this 'more is better' with regard to carb intake, which is then having the reverse effect because the insulin it demands is gumming up the works with visceral fat.

Half the RDA for carbohydrate is enough for most people, with more than that being converted, leading to insulin-resistance (PCOS), and dyslipidaemia.

You have a choice. You can either keep doing what you've always done, or you can eat the natural fat instead of your body making it from carbs. When you've been down the excess carb route, as most of the developed world has, your insulin is overstimulated too which causes the hormonal disruption and chronic ill-health.

The hunger is a symptom of not being able to tap into your body's reserves of fat because it is being instructed by insulin to store it rather than use it.

The worse it gets, the more lacking in energy you feel because the insulin keeps taking glucose out of your blood stream and storing it as fat instead of feeding it to the cells that need it, and then to make things worse you get cravings for sweet foods and/or starches because those cells are starving at the cellular level.

You don't need to eliminate carbs, but you can cut down and unless you start 'hitting the wall' when you're exercising intensely, you will be getting enough.

Oh sweetheart it broke my heart reading your post

I’ve been there and punched my stomach I hated it After speaking to my doctor I found out I was suffering from depression and had clocked on to my weight as the source of all my problems it wasn’t but I believed if I lost weight I would look better and I’d be happier and my life would all fall it to place

I’m not suggesting this is you but it could be depression or anxiety that is affecting your sleep and then everything else

Speak to your doctor and for me personally I strongly recommend yoga and just before bed breathing exercises

I hope you get whatever help it is you need

X

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Northernmummy

Thank you for replying. I am so overwhelmed with all those replies. I really appreciate every single person that took their time to say something to me. I’ve been thinking for some time if it’s depression because I seem to tick a lot of boxes. I will speak to my gp and hopefully this time they’ll listen. Thank you again. Much love x

Northernmummy
Northernmummy2st 7lbs in reply to Pixianna

Don’t let them ignore you I know it can be hard but you really have to push for the help if they won’t listen

I hope you get everything sorted soon

Stay strong sweetie you can do this x

Darp
Darp2020 July

Don’t beat yourself up it’s not easy to lose weight are used to be size 12 now I’m size 18 and since I’ve had stents and the menopause my weight just keeps creeping up don’t eat loads don’t give up it’s not worth it

Itsmesally
Itsmesally2020 August

Hi Pixianna, I have only joined this site because I read your post and all the conflicting replies. It seems that you have been through some rubbish times but have support around when you wish to reach out. What you may find useful is a website provided by Dr Chris Williams (Emeritus Professor of Psychosocial Psychiatry at the University of Glasgow, Scotland, UK and a Fellow of the Royal College of Psychiatrists). His main clinical and research interest is in the evaluation of educational self-help approaches based on the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach. It is called living life to the full and can be found on a google search. It is a free CBT course which many GPs have found helpful for their own difficulties. Try it and then see how you feel. I hope it helps.

IndigoBlue61
IndigoBlue61Administrator in reply to Itsmesally

Thanks you for that suggestion, I’ve just googled it and going to investigate it further 👍

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Itsmesally

Thank you. I’ll have a look.

WeeDug
WeeDug2020 August

Just a suggestion - might be worth asking your doc about sleep apnea, family member was in a vicious circle with weight gain making sleep worse. Then worse sleep caused tiredness, comfort eating and weight gain which made sleep apnea worse. You’re being so brave and honest about how you feel, I think ths is a positive post, takes a lot to be so open, you should be proud 😘

moreless
morelessAdministrator in reply to WeeDug

Hi and welcome, WeeDug :)

If you're here to lose weight, then this is a simple food plan healthunlocked.com/api/redi...

All of the information you need about the forum can be found in Pinned Posts healthunlocked.com/nhsweigh... and I hope you'll be joining all the Events, Challenges and Clubs that we run, especially a weigh-in and the daily diary.

If you haven't already taken it, here's a tour of the forum healthunlocked.com/?tour=true

We've found active participation to be key to successful weight loss and, of course, it's a good way to get to know people, find inspiration and share support and encouragement.

Wishing you all the best :)

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to WeeDug

Hi. I thought sleep apnea only affects people who are seriously overweight (I know few people with this condition and they’re at least over 8-10st overweight). I still haven’t gotten round to calling my gp. I’m dreading it.

Subtle_badger
Subtle_badger17kg in reply to Pixianna

I had it when I was just outside normal BMI. I was being treated for snoring and interestingly (to me, anyway), despite two different sleep studies, I was not diagnosed with apnea. When I had surgery to correct the snoring, I found I did not get drowsy during afternoon meetings anymore, so I must have been struggling in my sleep.

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June

I actually started writing an email today to a charity that deals with mental health issues. I’d prefer to trust them than my own gp or any other gp at my surgery. I have been looking into hypnotherapy to see if I can tackle my issues like that but it is an expensive business and I can’t afford it.

Donewithdieting
Donewithdieting2020 August

Pixianna - I’ve only just joined and yours is the first post I’ve read. I hope things have improved for you as you sound so sad. Give yourself a break! I could do with losing 3 stone but even if I lost 1 stone I would be overjoyed and very proud of myself! Don’t feel like you always have to follow the same patterns. Just because you have one day of junk food, doesn’t mean the next day won’t be a brilliant day where you eat healthily with just one treat. Please don’t punch yourself or anything like that. You really don’t deserve it just for being fat. Why do we beat ourselves up so much for it? We’re not hurting anyone apart from ourselves, what have we done that’s so bad?! So let’s get healthy for ourselves too, but be nice to ourselves along the way.

moreless
morelessAdministrator in reply to Donewithdieting

Hi and welcome, Donewithdieting :)

All of the information you need about the forum can be found in Pinned Posts healthunlocked.com/nhsweigh... and I hope you'll be joining all the Events, Challenges and Clubs that we run, especially a weigh-in and the daily diary.

If you haven't already taken it, here's a tour of the forum healthunlocked.com/?tour=true

We've found active participation to be key to successful weight loss and, of course, it's a good way to get to know people, find inspiration and share support and encouragement.

Wishing you all the best :)

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Donewithdieting

Welcome and thank you for you reply. I think we beat ourselves up for being the way we are because nowadays you have to be certain size and look certain way to be fully accepted by yourself and others. At least that’s how it’s like for me. I see a lot of pressure being put on people, both men and women, because that’s how this world is. I hate it but I hate myself more for looking the way I do. I try not to look in the mirror but how can I not. I want to look because I want to see what I’ve done to myself and I need to be punished for it. I don’t want to look because I’m scared of reality.

Donewithdieting
Donewithdieting2020 August

You do not need to be punished lovely girl - what have you done that’s so bad? Have you murdered anyone? Have you stolen from your family to feed your crack addiction? Do you harass old ladies in the street? Of course I don’t know you but I suspect the answer to all these questions is no. You are not a bad person, just a fat one like so many of us. Yes the media etc tells us we should look a certain way, but there are actually many more role models than there were when I was younger. You don’t see Lizzo or Ashley Graham beating themselves up and acting like they’re not as good as others. Look to these people for inspiration, not thin people. All thin people have done is weigh less - that’s it. They are not better than you in any way.

Try to focus on other accomplishments alongside this health journey. Is there a project that you want to finish or a course you’ve always wanted to do?

Also regarding sleep apnea - a skinny ex of mine suffered from it, so it’s not always weight-related. However I suspect your sleep issues are more stress related. Show yourself some love, that will help. I really feel for you.

Please when you look at yourself focus on something you like - even if it’s a detail like nails or eyebrows. You wouldn’t treat a friend this way so don’t be so mean to yourself - it won’t help with the weight loss anyway as you’ll just want to rebel against this meany inner voice!

Pixianna
Pixianna2020 June in reply to Donewithdieting

Thank you so much for your reply. The answer to all your questions is no. I’m from Poland originally where looks are 80% of each of us. I haven’t been there for 6 years because of the way I look. If it comes to plus size models they’re not how I want to be. I get where you’re coming from with the inspiration but I don’t want to be plus size anymore. I want to go to a shop and buy something because I like it not because it covers my fat. I’ve had enough of being overdressed every summer sweating my bits off because I’m fat but I don’t want to give up food I like because that’s the only thing that keeps me happy at the moment. I am currently doing an IT course. I finished business and administration course. I’m also trying to get into a department at my work that might kick start my career. However all those things don’t motivate me to like myself in any shape or form. I do agree with you and my sleep issues. I do think it’s due to my state of mind. How do I fight it though? Regarding friends. I don’t have any, never had any. There’s a girl at my work who wants to help me lose weight (she’s a fitness fanatic and a healthy eating supporter) however, it makes me feel like someone’s guinea pig. I appreciate she wants to help, I really do but I think it’s too late for me. I think I’m running out of patience and slowly giving up.

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