Well Meaning Comments 😤: I know this is a... - Weight Loss NHS

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Well Meaning Comments 😤

Dyfodol
Dyfodol7lbs

I know this is a problem that many of you will have come across on your weight loss journey so I would appreciate any advice you may have on how to ok it in my own head.

I returned to work yesterday after being on furlough and had a great day working with colleagues that I like and admire. When the subject of weight came up I proudly stated that I have lost half a stone and that I’m working towards losing another 2 and a half stone to achieve my goal of a BMI of 24/25 and a dress size of 12/14. As it happens I did actually achieve this same goal two years ago but then struggled to maintain and regained the weight. Remembering this one of my colleagues piped in with ‘Ah I remember when you lost all that weight before and I think you went too far and got too skinny’ . (At my lightest I had a BMI of 25). Then the other colleague came in with ‘ I think you look the perfect weight now’ My BMI today is 29.9.. only just short of obese!😤 Luckily the conversation had to end there ( well we were at work!😂). I know it was meant as friendly advice but now I feel like they will be exchanging concerned and worried looks as I continue to lose weight, imagining they are witnessing my sad descent into ill health and an eating disorder.

I know I should just forget about it but as I’m still mulling it over today it must have got under my skin. So how do I stop such well meaning comments from taking the shine off my weight loss achievements?🧐

37 Replies
oldestnewest
lucigret
lucigretAdministrator

People and their well meaning comments can leave many of us feeling annoyed, hurt, frustrated. I'm not sure of the answer to your question to be honest. Just remember you are doing it for you not for them and as long as you are in the healthy weight range that is recommended for you and not going below it, then you know that you are doing the right thing.

My advice would be not to discuss it with them :)

I totally know where you are coming from. I lost about 3 stone 3 years ago (I’m currently 12lb heavier) and get/got lots of comments like - you look fine as you are/don’t lose anymore weight/you’re far too skinny (at my lowest point I was a size 14 (5ft 6) and still a stone away from a healthy BMI. (I do have a slim face though which doesn’t help).

I’ve decided this time to do things a bit differently. Firstly I’m not telling anyone I’m losing weight and secondly I’m aiming for a healthy weight nearer my BMI than before - even if it takes a year or so and again not discussing it with anyone.

I think it takes people time to adjust their perception of you and get used to you as a slimmer fitter person. Making these changes can make some people insecure.

Don’t let it get under your skin - you’re doing great and making changes that will benefit your health in the long run 😊

I quite like that idea of just keeping it to myself. I think I will just change the subject if it comes up again. It seems obvious but I probably needed reminding that this is my journey and doesn’t need to be approved by others! Thank you both. 😁

Food4Fuel
Food4Fuel7lbs
in reply to Dyfodol

I think it’s really hard not to talk about something that you are proud of! If anyone asks me I’m just going to be vague and say something about how being on lockdown has given me more chance to exercise and cook healthy food 😊 all the best with your journey too!

BridgeGirl
BridgeGirlAdministrator
in reply to Dyfodol

I never spoke to anyone about my plan to lose weight. It took quite a while 'til anyone commented (positively) and I just responded to whatever they said. At one point, I was told I didn't need to lose any more. I just ignored it.

Just do your own thing and come here to chat to people about what you're doing and how it's going :)

Chasarama
Chasarama1st 7lbs

Im so glad you posted this! I had a similar issue at work the other day when people noticed...

I wanted to snap but being the boss would get me hung if i speak out of turn... i remembered something a patient of mine once said when we were talking about it:

“Im glad you think i dont need to lose more but i do and thats all that matters love”

She said it with such sass (being 93 she knew what she was on about) and i say it every time!!

Hope it helps! Xx

Dyfodol
Dyfodol7lbs
in reply to Chasarama

That’s brilliant! 😂 Thank you. I will definitely use that line! What a great woman.😁

IndigoBlue61
IndigoBlue61Administrator
in reply to Chasarama

Love that! 😊

Thank you! Good luck with your journey too. I’ll definitely use your lockdown excuse! I think if I feel the need to do any boasting about my weight I’ll restrict it to here where people get what I’m trying to do. 😊

MissisB
MissisBAdministrator

There seems to be a bit of a theme here - I didn't tell anyone what I was doing, just made changes.

Apart from that, it is your choice on the weight you want to be, and you will receive plenty of support and encouragement here - and as long as you are at a healthy weight, and achieving and maintaining this in a healthy way, then stand by your decision.

Dyfodol
Dyfodol7lbs
in reply to MissisB

Thank you. That is the core of it really. It’s just nice to get the approval of others but it isn’t needed as the important thing in this is that I become and remain healthy and happy. I think I forgot I didn’t need their permission!🙈😅 Thank goodness for this community for helping me get back on track. 😁

MissisB
MissisBAdministrator
in reply to Dyfodol

They're just jealous. ;) And it seems to be a thing in our society that people say "you don't need to lose weight" - when actually you know you do for health reasons. Why we do this about weight when we wouldn't if someone wanted to give up smoking for example ... strange world.

Sorry, but I think you are setting your colleagues up to offend you. When you open a conversation about changes you plan for your body, you are inviting others to discuss your body. They really have two choices, to agree with your plans to lose weight, thus implying you are fat now, or to do what they did, and say you look great now.

Calling someone fat is so offensive in our society, that I would probably chosen to say how great you look now and you don't need to lose any weight, as the path of least offence, no matter how much I didn't agree.

I now know the only response is "Hmmm."

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer
in reply to Subtle_badger

Agree and its a tricky one. I try to come up with something like, well you look great now, but obviously it’s all about how how YOU feel.

IndigoBlue61
IndigoBlue61Administrator
in reply to Subtle_badger

Yes, I was just going to say this, I’m guessing the “you look just fine” was meant as a positive not negative comment 😊

There are people who prefer others chubbier, there are people who prefer others skinnier, there are people who don’t like changes - even in others, there are people who constantly need change, there are people who get jealous, there are people who celebrate your success... we can never please ALL of them, can we?

I had a comment that I should “go and see a doctor“ because I “used to be so pretty” before losing weight (I strongly suspect that person to be a BBW lover 🙂).

There’s a reason why BMI is rather a wide range, we could aim for the upper healthy range or for the lower healthy range - it’s up to us.

Depending on my mood and the relationship with the person, if they comment about me not needing to lose any more weight, I might ask for their BMI to compare with mine 😊 If they feel they have a right to judge what’s good for me, surely I can have my opinion about what’s good for them?..

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer

Well. People can be so annoying!

Sometimes people tell you that you don’t need to lose weight because they think they are complimenting you. Its not what they actually think, but it seems polite. Or they are jealous because they are a bit magnificent around the middle themselves, or they want to keep us as the fat ones when they are skinny.

I find people can’t argue with health reasons, I have countered you don’t need to lose weight /stay off the sugar etc, with actually I have early onset arthritis in my knees and those extra pounds are/were causing me pain in my knees. So, I won’t have the cake thanks. It’s great that you think I look good as I am, but it’s not just about looks for me, it’s about health and feeling well in myself, thanks. So MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. (I don’t say that bit.)

IndigoBlue61
IndigoBlue61Administrator
in reply to Slim_for_good

Another great response 👍

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer
in reply to IndigoBlue61

Ha. People ask say even more irritating and intrusive things - if possible - about starting a family. I had major fertility issues, but got so fed up with the hints, so used to say things like ‘My infertility problems are quite complex actually and it will take a while to explain them to you. So shall we sit down? You aren’t squeamish are you?.’ And those poor hapless fools found they had to rush off and never mentioned the patter of tiny feet again.

IndigoBlue61
IndigoBlue61Administrator
in reply to Slim_for_good

I bet that shut them up!! 😂

Slim_for_good
Slim_for_goodMaintainer
in reply to IndigoBlue61

Other top tips for getting people go away - on the train pat the empty seat next to you encouragingly and bellow oh do sit next to meeeee! Probably only works in the UK....

IndigoBlue61
IndigoBlue61Administrator
in reply to Slim_for_good

Hahaha this literally made me laugh out loud 😂😂😂

Dyfodol
Dyfodol7lbs
in reply to Slim_for_good

😂

Migo2010
Migo20102020 July

Hi, I had the same problem when I was at work and finally got down near my healthy weight. One problem is that as I lose weight, it tends to come off in the wrong places and I did look a bit 'gaunt' in the face. If this is your problem you will find that as your body gets used to its new weight, the gaunt look will disappear and you will be looking and feeling fantastic.

The other thing you have to remember is that most people are either overweight - or feel that they are - and you are actually achieving what they have not been able to do and so it makes them feel uncomfortable.

Take pride in your new appearance - and enjoy feeling 'well'. Well done on your journey so far. Don't let anyone rain on your parade.

Food4Fuel
Food4Fuel7lbs
in reply to Migo2010

Good info about the gaunt look - as it’s something I struggle with. I’m hoping if I lose weight slowly and eat lots of healthy fats too then it might also help. But it’s really good to know it settles down 👍🏻 thanks

Ziva09
Ziva095st 7lbs

What I've learned in my up and down weight world over the past 45 years -

Most people won't bring up the topic themselves, but feel just fine joining in if you do. So, as others have suggested, share your GREAT news with only the right people (I'd never share at work - got enough problems without adding my size into the mix!). Tell us on here as often as you'd like, we're all cheering for each other.

Secondly, when someone does bring it up (or a few other things that have happened in my life) I pause for a moment, just look at them, and then say "Gosh, why on earth would you be interested in something as personal as that?" Then say nothing. Sentence structure is important - all the pressure is on them. Usually they scurry away.

Practice saying it until you can do it without any thought. (It works for weight, sexuality, when are you starting a family, etc etc etc.)

You're doing great - keep it up, and the XXXX with the busybodies.

Barcud
Barcud50kg

Perhaps you should tell them their opinion 'Dim gwerth rhech dafad'*, seriously, its your journey, I didn't tell anyone what I was doing but you can't hide losing eight stone, people are starting to tell me I don't need to/shouldn't lose anymore despite me still being 10 kilos from being in the healthy BMI range. Be strong, you are doing this for you! I think this is one of the great things about this site, we can all relate but can't see each other to judge and we appreciate every journey to a healthier lifestyle is personal.

* 'Not worth a sheeps f&%t' a wonderful Welsh expression.

Diolch Barcud! (Thank you!) Love that!🐑😂 It’s true, this site is great to help you refocus when something in life throws you. It’s good to share with people who have been there and done that. Lots of positive, supportive comments are brilliant too!😁 Congratulations on your amazing weight loss journey so far and good luck with those last 10 kilos.🤗 Nos da (Goodnight)

Hello, I never breathed a word about my intention to loose weight, just embarked on it.

I go out a lot and I found nobody commented on my lack of appetite - interestingly before, I was always accused of finishing the bread, aioli etc, which was true, a gargantuan appetite.

I get huge satisfaction from my slow but steady weight loss, yes a few disappointing blips but recharge the motivation and off I go again. The only place I discuss my weight is on this site because everyone is so supportive and encouraging.

You're doing great and you're doing it for you, nobody else.

Dyfodol
Dyfodol7lbs
in reply to Lavender54

Thanks Lavender 54. Yes, I’ll be keeping my plans very secret from now on. Congratulations on your steady progress. You’re an inspiration. 😁

You’re taking control of your health and well being it will make YOU healthier have more energy and feel better about yourself. You will even choose the size of clothes you want to wear. In the scheme of things their opinions no matter how well meaning are pretty low down in the scheme of things.

Dyfodol
Dyfodol7lbs
in reply to JeffDavies123

Very true! 😊

Nina9
Nina92020 June

I have dealt with this by not discussing my weight loss, diet, Bmi, food, health etc etc. outside of my slimming buddies. If someone gives makes a comment on my new shape, I just say "Thank you - I am feeling 10 years younger" - that seems to stop the conversation. Try not to brood on your colleagues silly comments - I am sure you are looking and feeling great - they are just jealous !

Dyfodol
Dyfodol7lbs
in reply to Nina9

Thanks Nina9. I avoided the subject very well today even though everyone seems obsessed with their weight! Must be on everyone’s mind after months on furlough.😏 I was careful not to contribute my own experience and luckily everyone was happy just to carry on talking about themselves. 😆

Reving
Reving7lbs

Hi Dyfodol I agree with the not telling people and just wait till they tell you, you look fabulous. Ive never told myself let alone anyone else until on here that I'm dieting and I still tell myself I'm learning a healthier way of eating and living 😂 you're doing great keep it up.

Dyfodol
Dyfodol7lbs
in reply to Reving

That’s it. Healthy living and eating until we all and feel fabulous! 🥳 Good luck Reving, on your journey to a healthy you. 🤗

Reving
Reving7lbs

Thanks you too. :)

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