Here we go.
For a while I've considered joining a forum of some sort to perhaps find a bit of encouragement or to feel that I'm not alone.
I was a chubby child once I reached maybe 8-9. About 2 stone (15kg) overweight by the time I was 13.
I joined Weight Watchers and successfully lost 15kg (roughly 2 stone).
But there were problems with this. No one at Weight Watchers cared about teaching a young teenager about metabolism, energy, body shapes etc. I developed bulimia and wished I could be anorexic. I once made it 5 days without food but then gave in. (which of course is good) I could not see the slimmer person in the mirror, I had developed bulimia and body dysmorphia. I am "athletically" built, meaning I have a wide frame, broad shoulders, not much of a waist. To me I was just fat still.
And due to not being taught anything other than just losing weight at WW, I soon put on all the weight again. And then some.
Since being about 16 I've tried alot of diets. LCHF (Low calorie high fat), WW, Slimming World, a form of the Atkins diet, shake meal replacement etc. You know how it goes.
My main issue is binge eating. At night. And I have a high metabolism in the morning, so even if I eat a good healthy breakfast with proteins, after 1.5 hrs I'm starving.
It calms down in the afternoon and then, boom, binge in the evening.
On top of this I have a raging sugar addiction. In my early 20's (I am 30 now) I actually went 2 years sugar free. I.e no refined sugar. No sweets, no biscuits, no soft drinks etc.
I have no idea how I did it. But during that time... I had reoccurring dreams that I ate chocolate, and in my dreams I would feel awful with guilt and failure. And I would wake up and be sooo happy it was a dream. Apparently addicts have these dreams. People who have given up smoking or other drugs.
And the feeling of no longer being imprisoned by the addiction, by the incredibly strong urges was... It was fantastic. But then I started again. People said "you'll feel really ill and won't enjoy sugar if you start it again" you know what. They were wrong. I still loved it.
Every day I plan how to get my sugar fix. Am I going to go past a shops so I can buy chocolate? Do I have anything at home? (no because I've eaten it all)
So that was like 8 years ago.
So last year a friend of mine who has studied nutrition, sports etc for years, who was asked to be one of the coaches for Biggest Loser UK (he turned it down) he sat me down to help me. Cos I got back problems and all doctors are convinced it will all go away if I lose weight. (I have MRI scan to say otherwise, but it would definitely help to lose weight)
He sat me down and explained calorie counting. He broke it down so I could understand how the body truly works and why calorie counting works. And how I HAVE TO have a "cheat day" literally just to keep my sanity so I don't fail due to constantly depriving myself stuff I want. And I was not allowed to eat less than 1100 per day so as to not send my body into starvation mode etc.
I realised that reducing calories is THE way to go. It's inclusive, it's maintainable, it doesn't deprive you completely. Because let's face it, for me personally, none of the other diets have been sustainable for me.
A side note - Weight Watchers is the reason I had gallstones as a 15 year old. Due to all the low fat products I was eating. There is so much unnatural crap in them my body couldn't get rid of so I got gallstones and I had surgery to remove my gall bladder.
So I did it. After 1.5 weeks I was literally crying because I was so hungry all the time. But as we know it takes about 2-3 weeks and then your stomach is used to it and has shrunk.
But the same old problem happens.
I do something religiously for about 2 months and then I.... Fail.
And I don't get back up on the horse because it's too hard.
It's the same story every time. So here I am. 5 foot 6, weighing about 15.7 stone (about 100kg) and I am most likely getting married in the next 1-1.5 years and I'm thinking, I don't want to be a fat bride.
But even more so because I truly hate the fat people problems I have. Especially clothing.
I've considered seeing if I can undergo gastric bypass or similar but I feel like my emotional connection to food is deeper than just shrinking my stomach.
I just feel like I will always fail.
I look at before and after photos, I see people who have successfully lost weight and look really damn good despite being in their 30's, 40's and I just feel like it will never be me. And I don't understand why I am such a failure. Why I always submit to cravings.
If you've read this far, well done.
I just needed to get this all out. And maybe get some inspiration.
Does anyone read this and think "this is exactly how I feel"?