So upset

[Justswimming]

So my boyfriend says that i weigh more than he does..is that nasty or what? Hes 5' 11 and 205 and im 5'8 and 189 ive been trying to lose wt and i called him an a****** for saying that. Am i right? If you say you love someone shouldn't you try to help not hurt?

[Just1-one1-more]

Have you told him how it makes you feel ?

[beth1994]

I agree with what Just1-one1-more said, but you could also ask if he would be able to support you with trying to lose weight, i.e. Develop a weight loss plan together that you can both get on board with?

[Minniewinny Host 5 stone Maintainer]

It depends on how he said it..

I was heavier than my hubby for quite some time, he's 5'11" and I'm 5'2".. I'm lighter than him now.. 😉

Make your mind up to be totally self motivated and determined and you will prove that your losing weight for your benefit.. no one else's! Others benefit by your contentment when you get there and all your happy victories along the way..

Cheering you on 🎉🎉🎉

[iparkecandothis]

Sending you a hug Justswimming.

You're right, that really isn't very nice of him. I am 5"4 and heavier than my 6"1 boyfriend - that's just the way it is at the moment, and I would be very upset if he 'made a thing' out of it.

What might help is, talking to your boyfriend about the things he can do to help plus the things he needs to not do to support you. I don't think people 100% understand how upsetting it can be to have your weight talked about when you're dieting.

I had a chat with my partner when I started, and we agreed a whole bunch of things that would help me. He's been very good at sticking to them so maybe yours could too? I've made a list of a few examples in case that helps:

I have asked him to: remind me to do half an hour on my exercise bike if we're just spending the evening in together watching TV; make a nice comment if he notices I'm looking a bit slimmer; suggest health alternatives if I suggest an unhealthy dinner (like a jacket potato instead of chips)

I have asked him not to: suggest we have a takeaway when we get home and we're too tired to cook; make comments if he sees me eating something fatty or sugary; bring me sweets or treats as a present if I've had a bad day

Hope that helps!

[IndigoBlue61 in reply to iparkecandothis]

Excellent reply and great strategy 😊

Without sounding sexist, sometimes we assume our partners will somehow instinctively ‘know’ what to say and do. I have to be very specific with my hubby 😊

[iparkecandothis in reply to IndigoBlue61]

Exactly right IndigoBlue61!

I would also say Justswimming there's a big difference between a chap who is a bit clueless about why you're upset (like my partner was!), and a partner who is making comments he knows will upset you.

I have an ex who used to make little snide remarks about my weight and it was so hurtful.

If he's just clueless, explaining fully what you need will definitely help. If he's genuinely being hurtful, maybe have a proper heart to heart with a friend about it?

[IvanTheHorrible Maintainer in reply to IndigoBlue61]

LOL.

It's true though. Women assume that men can read their minds; men are painfully aware that not only can we not read minds, we're generally pretty useless at figuring out what people are thinking or feeling.

When women spell things out to us (preferably being polite about it, of course) it's generally a bit of a relief!

Justswimming : I agree with Just1-one1-more 's comment above - although it's instinctive to respond with something equally hurtful, it's worth trying to train yourself to say "when you say X it makes me feel Y". This tends to lead to a more productive discussion.

Without attempting to mitigate a hurtful and unhelpful remark, it's worth considering where it comes from. It's probably a combination of frustration with himself, fear, and dissatisfaction with the fact that both of you weigh more than you should. While his remark might not be technically accurate, it's not far off the truth (considering you're shorter than him), and even if the truth hurts, it should not be dismissed lightly. Both of you are at risk of unpleasant illness; at best, life will not be all it could be.

The solution, as a couple of other people have remarked, is to remind yourself that you're a couple and that you can work together on this. It's hard to lose weight all by yourself - but if you're both in the same boat, you can cook weight-loss meals that you can both benefit from. You can encourage each other and celebrate progress together.

Incidentally: if you've been trying to lose weight for a while and it isn't working, then change your strategy. Something that doesn't work today won't work tomorrow either.

[S11m]

Hi, Justswimming

¿Is he trying to be hurtful?

¿Is he just being insensitive and clueless?

¿Is he trying to support and encourage you in your efforts to lose weight?

If possible, if someone tries to insult me, I deliberately miss-interpret what they are saying, and thank them for a compliment!

...so you can assume that he is gybing you a bit to support and encourage you in your efforts to lose weight... and thank him for the support and encouragement!

[UnfitNoMore Visitor]

Well, if he’s 5’11 and 205 he needs to lose some!

I dunno how he meant it, and you called him out on it. He may not have meant to hurt you, but now he knows that he did he needs to be careful no to repeat it. Second offence and I say it’s shoe to the soft bits 😂

You’re trying, you will succeed, it takes time, in many ways the longer it takes the better. Focus on your mission, remove negative thoughts about it from your head, and threaten removing his negativity from the equation too if he repeats.

[granger2000]

I completely agree with you- don't let him get you down for it

[mumchum]

Hi his comment wasn't helpful and difficult to know how he meant it. Men in general think differently to women - sometimes my OH will say something I take to be hurtful and when I challenge him, he says oh you know I didn't mean it like 'that', I was just joking! Hmmmm.

Anyway don't waste time thinking about a stupid comment and concentrate on you and your health. Positive thoughts lead to positive actions.... than its an upward spiral. Do this healthy living stuff for you and you will reap the rewards. Negativity can jog on!

How are you doing today?

[maya002]

talk to him about it. no one should say that ... if the way he said it was not nice then you actually have the right to feel bad. If you want to change something for yourself - change but at your own pace and healthy. Never do anything for someone

[mx5mada]

What a sensitive soul? Have you been together for long time? What matters is what you think not him!

[mx5mada]

Just swimming only you would know if he is trying to be hurtful or just stating a fact! That you ask the question means you think he is trying to be hurtful! Put him straight. Comments are not helpful! Be sure you are not just guessing and talk! 😁😁 good luck

[Joanney69]

As the others have said, I think you need to talk to your bf & explain how his comment made you feel - sometimes men say things that don't make sense (after all you don't actually weigh more than he does) or sound mean when it may not be meant that way.

At the end of the day, you are trying to do something to improve your health for you, and no one should undermine that - there is always someone here who understands, so don't be afraid to come onto the forum to have a moan if you need to - the what's happening thread is a general chat about anything 😊

I still actually weigh more than my OH, I am an inch or so taller than him, but soon I will be lighter, but we don't compare weight! He did say a while ago that last time I lost weight, I didn't look like the real me, which unsettled me for a while, but it wasn't meant nastily. Tell your bf you need support in your endeavours, but if he won't help, don't give up, you're doing this for you 😊 💪