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Too Overweight to Date?

I am relatively new to this forum and do not go on it much. Here's the problem. -I am an older woman who has been divorced for many years now. After my divorce I had an 8 year relationship with someone. That ended 2 years ago. I have no other way to meet men except on dating sites. I work from home and never get the chance to meet many people. I am only 5'0 tall and weigh 148 pounds. I know that this may not sound heavy to some people, but believe me-on a very short person, it's a lot of weight. I put myself back on a dating site with only my head shots. If I do "talk" to someone on the site I tell the truth about my weight. I'm not looking to fool anyone. But I'm just too self-conscious to actually GO on a date. I have lost 6 pounds so far but it just doesn't seem to be coming off now. My question-do I wait to date? Do I wait until I like the way I look, or put myself out there now?? I can't tell you how self conscious I would be to actually meet someone in person at this weight. 😨😨 But I can be waiting forever for the weight to come off! I want to go out and enjoy myself while I am still young enough. What to do??? Has anyone else been in this situation before?

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You have to do what's right for you Downandout123. I think there may be a danger of using your weight as an excuse not to put yourself out there? There's always a chance that something will be wrong with us that somebody doesn't like, or someone loves us in spite of, or even because of.

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Thank you Concerned. And that's another thing-if I am rejected, who is to say that it's DEFINITELY because of the weight? It could be any number of things, but when men on dating sites choose not to see you anymore, they never say why. I think I have to wait this out, but at this rate, I'll be too old when/ if I ever DO lose the weight.

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I don’t believe you can postpone living your life. If we wait until we are happy with ourselves then there’s the danger we never do anything. 😕

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"Happy with ourselves"- how true!! If I waited until I was happy with myself I would NEVER do anything because some other issue would always get in the way!

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Exactly 😊. The right person is out there for you I’m sure ❤️

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Life's happening now so go dating now if you want to. Life doesn't start when you have lost weight.

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Even when I was thin, I was very shy so never experienced a very fulfilling life. Now it's much worse though.

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There you are then. It's about confidence, and like most of us, your appearance is a big part of that but don't put things on hold, get on with the healthy eating and the dating at the same time. Good luck :)

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Thank you!

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I am 4ft 9" and weighed 196lbs at my heaviest :-)

Back then, I too was single following a divorce. I have to say that most of the men I dated seemed to like women with a bit more flesh on them :-) I actually met quite a lot of people, and have to say I was astonished at how much more accepting people are these days (I have a very obvious physical disability).

So whilst the extra pounds might seem like a problem, in reality, it probably won't be. People are far more likely to be attracted by your personality.

I wouldn't say up front to people on a dating website "Oh, by the way, I'm overweight..." or whatever... as to many (decent) men, this wouldn't be an issue.

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I find with men it's not weight that puts me off or being bald.

It's bad attitude that puts me off and it's the same for women.

It's not appearance that turns men off but bad attitude most certainly does.

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No question about that! 😊

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What can I say Pineapple27, I've said it before and I'll say it again-you are TRULY an inspiration to everyone on here!! You responded to me when I wrote my very first post, and I never forgot what you said!! I wished you lived here in NY-I'd like to get to know you! You must have thousands of friends with your attitude being what it is! Best wishes to you always!! 😊😊 And btw-4 stone is an awful lot of weight to lose! Geez-I don't know how you guys keep up with your weight in stones instead of pounds. It sounds so difficult! 😅

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I work in kilos but a rough equivalent to your question would be if you counted every distance only in feet and said that to someone who used miles :)

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Got it! Thanks!

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When I was 44 and weighing 14stone plus, I joined a dating site. I kissed a few frogs - one was way shorter than me and couldn't cope with the height difference; another was still crazy about his ex, another was still married and wanted a "bit on the side"...you will meet all sorts with their own problems and so long as you are just yourself, kind, caring and interested in the other party....well it is his loss if he doesn't choose to pursue it.

I eventually met my current partner who could see past the flab, and after a rocky beginning, we eventually ended up together and have been together for 16 years now. He has always encouraged me to make the best of myself, and helped me to lose weight and get fitter.

If is of any consolation, my ex-husband left me for a 5ft lady with a roly-poly figure, (looking a little like his own mother), older than I was - but she lived in the States, with no children and no mortgage.... so off he went! Strangely enough, he is still with her, so in the end, we all finished up more settled and content with our new lives.

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Great story!! " Looking a little like his own mother" 😅😅 I wish you continued happiness with your partner!!

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As some others have said, it's too easy to make excuses. I've been single and avoided dating for 26 years! I realised that being heavier meant I didn't have to deal with as much unwanted attention so I was happy being bigger and I didn't even try to lose weight until last year, when I decided to make the effort for the sake of my health.

My reluctance to get back onto the dating scene was due to how very bad my last relationship was, a lack of self confidence, getting comfortable in my little rut and being scared of repeating past mistakes. Was also busy taking care of my son (with special needs) and dealing with multiple health issues. Most of the time I'm happy with my own company but I do sometimes wonder how life would have been if I'd ever stopped running away from dating opportunities.

If someone doesn't appreciate you for who you are now, then they are not worth it, don't be like me - hiding away from life can be all too easy.

Good luck x

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Yes I know-I've been hiding away too-not even just for weight but for insecurities. Thank you for your reply!

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Hi Downandout123

I divorced 30 years ago (aged 42). Having been overweight since having children (and short too), had no confidence to go back to dating.

Fast forward to now - aged 72 - I've been on my own for all that time, not even one single date! I really wish I had met Mr Right, it would be lovely to have someone here, to share things with. Someone to comfort me in bad times, and who I could support and comfort too.

As Concerned says, you have to do what is right for you. All I will say is that everyone has something they don't like about themselves, we are all flawed in one way or another. No-one is perfect. It's what is on the inside that matters, not the outside. I also agree with the comment from ArctoLindy - if someone doesn't appreciate you for who you are, they are not worth it. If you met someone you liked, would it bother you if he was overweight? That works both ways.

Only you know whether dating now is the right thing for you. I wish you all the luck in the world, whatever you decide.

Mouse 🐭

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Thank you Anon-E-Mouse! If you feel like you might want the right man in your life now, then what are you waiting for? It's NEVER too late! You asked if I would date an overweight man if I liked him. Honestly, yes-but that all depends on how overweight he is. Obviously, he has to be attractive and have a great personality to me for me to want to date him.

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People come in all shapes & sizes as we know Downandabout. You may meet someone your not sure about with looks etc but then realise what a great person this is, like you are! I met an amazing man who I wasn’t sure about to begin with & now we getting a house together 😊 I am 1” above your height & 25lbs more. I have lost weight & now back where I started from, & starting losing weight when my husband left me 12 years ago when he told me my weight was an issue - but I showed him & he’s regretted it since. If a dating website is what you want to go on then go for it! I didn’t date for two years through confidence & just not feeling wanted to but then had several dates where I met guys just being out & about. I agree confidence is a big thing, you have had a great start on your weight loss so just keep going. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Maybe post a pic with a flattering pic of yourself that you love. 🙋🏻‍♀️ You need to try to be a bit more positive about yourself & I truly know where your coming from ❤️ Why don’t you change your name to Gettingupandgo or Startingagain & help you start to feel a bit better. 🤗 Am going to start following you to hear your news! You can do this! 👌🏻

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Thank you so much Realthing!! Congratulations to you! You said that you have met men being out and about. To be honest, I have never met a man like that. I'm trying to figure out a way to meet men in real life, but I have no idea where. The supermarket? No. The park? No. Walking my dogs? Nope-never happened. I dont go out to bars and I wouldnt want to meet one there anyway. Gym?-No-I dont go to the gym. I had asked my cousin a while ago if she knew of someone that might be interested, and she never came up.with anyone. I'm out of ideas.

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Well it is difficult to meet people I agree & I guess I was lucky enough to have friends that I could go out with. I did meet my partner whilst out after a music festival. But don’t lose heart I know someone who met her husband to be at a deli counter in the supermarket & they went back the following week at the same time! Another met hers at a gym. Just try to relax about it. Xx

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Thanks, I will. I've got a lot of work to do anyway in the meantime on myself!

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You shouldn't be worried about your weight if you want to be with a genuine person. I'm not happy with my weight as I'm also short so I do understand where you coming from. Online dating site, never used them but I heard it can be dodgy sometimes but others do find their true love, its hard to believe but it happens. I wish you good luck xx

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I met a man on an online dating site many years ago. We had an on and off 8 -year relationship and lived together. We finally broke up nearly 2 years ago. I wasn't heavy when I met him.

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Hi sorry late replying to your message about my mouse phobia as only just seen it. I still have the phobia and for a second time last February 2017 they decided to come into my house again. I kept seeing them but my husband never did. I paid £100 for an exterminator and he was great. He said they were coming in through the air bricks so we had to put netting over them. He came three times altogether but sorry he can’t travel to your house. Haven’t seen any this Winter but it’s always on my mind. My daughter stroked a tame rat at Vets and it made her ok with rodents but I reckon I am stuck with my phobia. My husband put poison in our garden shed so that may have helped as well. Hope you got rid of your mice x

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Hi, I'm SOOO GLAD you got rid of your mice problem!! I have trapped 18 already. 18!!! I haven't seen any in maybe 2 weeks, but I'm sure they are still here or coming back. It's absolutely AWFUL to be terrified in your own house!! If I can get some health insurance, I have to find a therapist to work with to help me get completely over this phobia.

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My daughter tried hypnotism for mouse phobia but no good. No wonder you are terrified all that many mice. Look outside your house and see if any tiny spaces they could get through and you could put wire wool to stop them. I was recommended to the exterminator but he wasn’t as expensive as yours. It was well worth £100. Even now if I see a tiny movement out side of my eye it frightens me and is usually nothing. Good luck xx

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