My husband says I'm fat

Well so there I have it! My dearest hubby asked our daughter to tell me I shouldn't wear leggings as I've gained a lot of weight! Sadly he's correct,but what gets me most is that we've recently returned from holiday and in my brain I'm now thinking was that what he was thinking everytime he looked at me, that I was fat. But now if I loose weight will it be for me or him.

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43 Replies

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  • Firstly I would ask yourself - are you overweight? If so, is it dangerous to you? If it is dangerous then losing weight will be a benefit for you and he was being cruel to be kind by letting you know. If of course you are only a bit overweight or in your ideal weight range then I would stay as you are. You have to want to lose weight or it won't work anyway. What do you think about your body??

  • Ur hubby needs to be aware that you gave him your daughter, thats terrible he said that to you! There are a few words i could use to describe him but i dont wanna swear! I met my partner when i was 27, im 31 now, in the past 2 years i have put on 7 stone due to an accident, he still cuddles me, loves me, and is with me, if ur hubby is that shallow then its disgusting! Maybe u both need to sit down and talk and ask him the difficult questions, i did, it worked, i asked my fella "so u dont fancy me now am fat?" He was fine with it and we are still togetber, if ur fella dont like it, sod him! There are many genuine people who will take the time of day to learn about your interests and things that seem monumental right now do errode! Concentrate on you!

  • I think we must be careful not to jump to conclusions about someone's motives. I know plenty of men who worry about their partner's weight for health reasons but don't want to upset them. I wish instead of just loving me that my family had had an honest conversation with me before I got as big as I did. It's just my opinion not to assume the husband is a rat.

  • I agree Ella, I had put on over 7st since I met my husband many years ago and he's never said a word about it, when I got so fed up and started my journey I asked him why, his answer was he'd love me whatever weight I was ( doesn't help healthwise) but he didn't want to upset me ( he will always do his best for a quiet life lol) I've now told him to tell me anything that should he discussed for my health as I do him.

    I think Mummabear1 your husband was brave to tell you but chose probably not the right way, shows he's concerned for you just make sure you get him involved with your journey maybe the healthier foods etc will have a good effect on him too, after all it's not just weight that makes our bodies fit and healthy but how they work inside too and the best fuel to put in there.

    There's always that old saying "She/he's a TOFI. Thin outside, fat inside.

    Good luck on your journey Mummabear1 hope all your family support you in the right way❤️

  • Dear Ella and Itsbad,

    Did you not know that you had gained weight untill someone told you? and did you not know that your weight gain was causing you health problems.

    I would hate it if somebody stated the obvious and I wouldnt be too happy if someone asked me to say if I felt they were too fat. I am very happy for a family to point out health problems I might not be aware of such as a mole on my back but I do not need to be told about anything much else.

  • Hi Mandyjane

    Yes I did indeed know slowly over the years my weight was going up but life gets in the way and sometimes when you have other more needy family issues you forget yourself and on top of that comfort eat, then you can move into depression where nothing matters anymore least of all yourself, sometimes when no one tells you they are worried for you you feel like your worthless it's not just about the weight issue anymore that gets lost forgotten about, I guess there will be some on here who can put themselves in that position too and others who could never imagine being like that but it wasn't until my weight finally caused a health issue that I woke up so to speak and finally had the strength to actually help myself I would just have loved someone to show a concern for me as I was caring for so many others.

  • I can relate to this Itsbab x

  • I can see how that might be but you would want someone to be concerned about all of that, not just the weight issue. I think I am particulary upset by the man reportedly raising the issue as her not looking good in leggings. That doesnt sound like concern for wellbeing. I am sure you wouldnt have wanted someone to turn round and say that you dont look good anymore when deppressed. Somebody sitting down with you, giving you some time and supporting you to make changes is respectful and kind.

    Sending you a message via a third party to say for you not to wear leggings sounds selfish and bellittling. It may be a rather pathetic attempt to express concern for health and I do not know the man but if a man said that to me he would find himself eating those leggings. It is often not what is said in life but the way it is said.

    It sounds like you are doing a great job of helping yourself now.

    I would always wonder if someone was depressed struggled with weight as well as other health issues if there was an undiagnosed thyroid issue. I would imagine you GP has done a blood test for thyroid at some point. It may be worth getting hold of the blood results and posting on thyroid uk which is another health unlocked group. There are huge numbers of people with thyroid issues untreated or under-treated.

    Well done for getting this far.

  • Thankyou I am but trying to get somewhere with weight it's off and on at the moment. No my GP has never done a thyroid test thanks for bringing this to my attention it's something to look into at least👍

    I agree using a third party especially a child is far from an adult way to mention you think your partner needs to loose weight maybe he just isn't a very good communicator or knows how to put things in a more constructive and caring manner.

    Good luck with your journey to a healthier you😊

  • Very true. Our feelings about weight and image, and thus value, are so painfully linked Ella that we can feel devalued by someone's concerns about our weight. I try to be logical about it but it is hard not to be wounded if anyone draws attention to my eating or weight. If a partner is worried about weight it can be so tricky, I agree, to come forward and help. A comment about how someone looks in their leggings is a pretty clumsy way to do it I think you'll agree, if indeed it is concern that motivates him.

  • Me too. None of my family mentioned my 2st weight gain, and I really wish they had... in a constructive way of course!

  • I also thought he was very rude. It's not nice to make her feel uncomfortable in her own home, I don't think! He could've gone about it a different way. Maybe addressed it in relation to her health, rather than framing his criticisms around beauty standards.

    I guess we're all different. I, too, have blunt family members who'd say things like that. I just learned to ignore it, and I'm trying to focus on the benefits losing weight will have to my health and mobility, rather than my looks. But it's difficult though, lol.

    I hope the lady from the original post doesn't feel bad about her body. I'm 280lbs, and I'm starting to wear leggings, usually with a long, oversized tunics/blouses.

  • My ex-husband would constantly tell me I needed to lose weight, I look at photos from that time now and I can see there was nothing wrong with my weight back then. If you need to lose weight, please let it be for yourself, not to please someone else.

  • Definitely! Sod the other half! Its ur journey! It will happen but not overnight. Xxx

  • My daughter put on a lot of weight and when she looked at her wedding photos she asked why nobody had said anything to her. She didn't realise until then that she had put on so much.

    It's such a hard thing to know if you should or shouldn't say anything because it is such a tender topic. Even if you do want someone to say something it still hurts.

    I don't know your hubby or what he is like but he may be concerned but didn't want to hurt your feelings. He may have thought that it would be a bit gentler coming from your daughter.

  • I agree with you. It often takes the truth from those we love to make us face facts.

  • I suspect his intentions were genuine but to use your daughter to get the message across was a low blow.

  • Thank you for all your comments. I'm still trying to digest my husbands comment. Yes I am overweight, I weigh 11 stone 6 and I'm 5 foot 4. I need to loose 1.5 to 2 stone to be back at a weigbt that I feel looks good on me. Not so insurmountable. I spend my life looking after others which I love, my 2 children are reaching an age where one is off to uni this year the other is starting 6th form. I'm going through an early menopause so I know HRT is not helping my weight issues, should I stop hrt? I also know this is making me irrational. Yes I want to loose weight, yes it will be for me but now I have to take a bigger picture, so to answer a few more points raised, do I think my husband is genuinely concerned about my health, no. This is just the tip of that iceberg. I may have instigated the comment days before when I asked him if he was still part of our marriage! Irrational? Maybe this is the kick I need, loose the weight and become fitter, maybe I need to find me again rather than the wife, mother, nurse everyone's go to person then I can look at the bigger picture, so was he being cruel to be kind, jury's still out!

  • You have a lot going on there Mummabear1

    The menopause can play havoc with our emotions as well as our weight. My suggestion is try to think of it as making healthy choices, for the good of your physical as well as mental health. And the whole family will benefit. 😊

    As we get older, our bodies do change. And many women struggle with weight gain and changing body shape. You are sensible to tackle it now before it becomes a bigger problem.

    Have a good look around the forum and please ask if you any questions

    Best wishes

    Anna

  • I feel for you it's so hard as women reach the age where their children are finding their own lives they are loving life and as a mum you feel not needed anymore they are moving out, going to uni etc. Maybe some of us have ageing parents to help look after, add on the menopause and it's a recipe for disaster, the emotional side can go from quiet waters to a force 10 storm, I should know I'm there and it's not always a nice place to be.

    I think at 11.6 and 5'4 yes you may want to loose weight to get to a healthy range and you haven't got far to go, personally I think the foods will benefit you greatly feeling better inside, give you more energy to see things in a different light. I am forever googling foods to help sleep, to give more energy, help ease hot flushes, happy foods and yes some foods release the happy feelings in us and it's not just chocolate lol.

    Spend time researching all about foods and their benefits, maybe get a fitness tracker to use to count steps, log foods etc I find that helps me. Lastly you are unique, you have to look back on what you have achieved, make lists you will see just how much you have done and be proud of that. Think about what you want to do in the future and start making little plans to do it that might be a small thing or working towards a new goal such as learning a new skill, train for a job change etc.

    It's really hard because the menopause causes havoc with our rational thinking at times and can easily lead to depression. If this is so speak to your GP and explain your position to him/her.

    I wish you every success on your journey, shout out if you need help everyone on here is fantastic with advice as you have probably seen already.

    You are worth every bit of effort and deserve to feel good about yourself so do what's right for you and you alone, it's how you feel that matters❤️

  • Lovely reply Itsbab 😊

  • Brilliant reply :)

  • Always lose weight for you Mummabear1 you are the most important person.

  • Sometimes things are said and people do not understand how the words are taken .

    It's awful that you are thinking about what has been said .

    Do whatever you need to do for yourself.

    Good luck in your journey.

    Gary

  • Is your husband perfect? Do you choose what he wears? and I think it was a bit cowardly to ask your daughter to say something.

    You are not fat, you are a soft sexy lady.

    Have you actually weighed yourself? If so please bear in mind that longevity studies have showed that a person who is overweight is likely to live longer than people who are 'slim' and much longer than people who are underweight. If you are considerred obese on the chart you may want to consider losing weight.

    Also sudies have shown that men actually find women who are in the overweight bracket more attractive. They may not say that as it is fashionable for us to be thin but shown films of women it is the overweight women men look at for longest which makes good biological sense as slightly over weight women are more fertile.

    Also f this is just a bit of holiday weight gain it might be best to just let it drop naturally. Diets are usually counter productive and can lead to increased weight gain and disordered eating.

    If you do need to lose weight then practcing mindfullness would be a good start it is very good at helping with impulse control and emotional eating. You might also want to calorie count with something like myfitnesspal as long as you only aim for 1 pound or less a week to lose.

    It is also a believe considerred very attractive by men from african or west indian back grounds for a woman to be over weight. I would let you husband know that if he does not like the way you look there are plenty of very attractive men who do.

  • Haha lilacil that's exactly what I would do.

  • :D x

  • Oh Mummabear1 I can feel how hurt you are. Such a difficult one - your "dearest hubby" (how lovely a description of him) didn't tell you directly, but asked your daughter to tell you, and now your thinking is in overdrive.

    Take a deep breath. We're here, everyone here knows what it is like to weigh more than is good for us, and what people think and say about us - for some reason society thinks it's 'OK' to be judgmental about weight, when we wouldn't tolerate in other areas of life.

    Looking back though, I think you have actually lost 6lbs since you first posted on this site. Which is a huge achievement - especially weighing in after a holiday. :) One more pound, and you could proudly wear a 7lb badge.

    I can't tell you whether you want to lose weight for yourself or your husband - only you can do that. MisterB never told me to lose weight, although I certainly needed to. Now he's forever telling people I have lost weight, and how good I look (((blush))) Maybe because I made the decision to do it myself, in my own time, and went about it quietly, I was more successful, and have stuck with it.

    You make your decision, in your time, and know you will be very welcome here. If you want to join the Weigh In today, the Feelgood Friday Folks would welcome you with open arms, and you can share all your highs and lows, mental and physical ;) there with us.

  • Hi there. I'm about the same height as you (I am 5'3) and 48 with two 'grown up' children and have been going through the change for the last 4-5 years. Weight had crept on over that time and before it too. A year ago I weighed a bit more than you - 13 st 1 lb - now, after following the NHS 12 week plan and sticking with it, on and off, while gradually increasing my activity, I'm settling at around 8 and a half stone which feels right for me. (Finally back to my pre-baby size in jeans: only taken me 21 years...) If I did it, you can too,, if and when you want to. What made me take action was my kids. Both my parents died in their mid sixties, one from a heart attack and one from cancer. I want to give myself an increased chance of being around for them longer than my parents were for me - even though I was an adult when they passed, with kids of my own, they are still gaps in my life. And I knew my weight was worrying one of my children as he mentioned it to me - he has aspergers and does not always filter as others would. In this case I took it as he meant it, ie scientifically and well intentioned. People can't always vocalise their concern for you openly or appropriately though due to all the issues we have with weight and self esteem, but the links between obesity and health are pretty much understood by now. So lose weight for yourself, for your kids, to ease the pressure on the NHS, to improve your family outlook, to feel more energetic, to boost your mental health and a load of other reasons; there are so many, it's hard to settle for one! Oh and let your hubby come along for the ride if he can be part of the solution - but you are in charge of you!

  • Well, what can I say? Thank you one and all, some of the above comments made me cry others made me laugh but what they universally did was send the message of confidence, which took a nose dive yesterday. But I do want to shift this weight for me. I've just signed up to do mindfulness walks once aweek, my tai chi restarts Iin 2 weeks. My GP is referring me to a menopause clinic? So a productive me morning which is rare. Fortunately my husband has given me space this morning which is very advisable. X

  • I hope you find the inner strength needed to lose the weight and to be happy! Don't be swayed by people's opinions on your relationships on here as they don't know you or the situation. Good luck, keep posting. As you can see people want to give support.

  • So glad you are feeling so positive now and starting to put strategies in action for yourself, 😊 good luck with the clinic hope you get lots of advice from it👍 Enjoy your free time and pamper yourself a little because as L'Oréal says "You're worth it"

  • Mummabear1, So glad you are feeling more positive and confident this morning. Do this for you and those around you will benefit from the change. Good luck on your journey.👍

  • Ah that is a slap in the face to hear! Even if you are carrying weight, it's hard to hear that your OH sees you critically. And I understand the retrospective horror after your holiday. If a partner is concerned about weight we hope it is because of health not appearance.. We all want to feel like our OHs are blind to our flaws, but I guess if he donned a top hat and replaced it every 2 weeks with a taller and taller one to the point that he had to stoop down to get through doors, you would see it too. Haha! Not that this makes feeling criticised any nicer. Don't be downhearted about this, if you are overweight and need to lose it then you can, and feel much better about yourself.

    I would say you do need to do it for you. Our partners are our team mates and we owe them looking after ourselves to keep ourselves alive and healthy for them (attractiveness is subjective) but in the end it has to be very much something you want for yourself.

  • Sometimes our partner /family may see our weight as a problem, not because of looks or even physical health, but for the way it may have changed us, our personality and confidence.

    I was 2st overweight through my 50s but at 5ft 5 and 12st it wasn't too difficult to disguise , tunics, looser clothes that skimmed over, more focus on hair, scarves, makeup anything to detract from my big hips. BUT and the important "but", is that I didnt feel good inside, I hated being undressed, I refused to go on a beach, I turned down social invitations , and frankly was not the happy woman I once was.

    Obviously this wasn't nice for my partner as my issues and inhibitions affected his life too. Consequently he withdrew and so did I , our relationship became a bit distant. In my opinion, it would have been far kinder if he'd tackled me about it and made me admit that I felt fat and unhappy with myself.

    The good news is that in 2014, I did eventually realise this myself and I dealt with it. He was very supportive and is very proud of me. Now 3 years later and still at my happy weight (lost 2.5 stone), we are now doing all the lovely things we missed out on before. I just wish I hadn't wasted ten years of "fatness" ... life is too short!

  • Well articulated :) This is what I was trying to say, too - being a little overweight shows in so many other ways and has such a big impact on our lives and those around us.

    I'm glad you've found your happy weight! :) x

  • Thanks Victoria. Yours sounds like a happy outcome too !

  • I've read all the comments and we are all different I am one of the most honest and open people you will ever meet. I am currently single and maybe this is why. My philosophy for relationships is, if the conversation is difficult to have, then that is all the more reason that you must have it. I make this very clear from the start. If I wonder about anything I ask my partner, I do not allow myself to worry or stress about things that may be nothing or may be just the way I am feeling. I find being open and honest is the best way for me to be and I expect a partner to be the same. There is absolutely nothing that I wouldn't discuss, regardless of how difficult it is. But as I say maybe that is why I'm currently single.

  • I agree with you, Dipper - and was going to pot something along the same lines.

    Late last year my partner started to mention I had put on a bit of weight, and was I going to try get in shape, etc, etc, - and it took me a LONG time (and allot of discussions and more heated ones) to realise this wasn't about how I *looked* he wants me to be happy, healthy, and full of life, not for him, but for myself. He always makes it clear this isn't anything to do with how he feels, or how he sees my body, but so that I can do all the things I want to do in my life, (I have various other issues that being overweight exacerbates).

    I too, was about the same weight as you, Mummabear1 , so I too understand how it feels like I wasn't even that overweight, and allot of people ARE happy to be curvalicious. :) But I wasn't, and maybe that is all your hubby has noticed, too? As stereotypical as this will sound, men *aren't great at communicating, and is there a chance your hubbys message wasn't gracefully translated by your daughter?

    I think Dipper is right - sit down and talk honestly about how you both feel.

    My partner is now too on a health kick with me, and we are having so much fun discovering great food, and exercise.

    All the best <3

  • Well put victoria-anne if you can't be honest with your partner, who can you be honest with?

  • This sounds like wise words.

  • While i like my medicine with some sugar and my love decidedly untough I do agree with the sentiments here. I think being a team sometimes means saying tough things to help your partner get back to where they're happy

  • Hey!

    I sympathize with you for feeling that way but I think Husbands always have great expectations from their wives. They always want them to be fit and healthy and that's why they keep putting the wives down. There have been so many incidents when I would show what I am wearing to my husband and he would give a very diplomatic answer that your dress looks nice but it's a little tight from the Hip etc.

    Hence I came to a point when I started to lose weight through this Mobile App called Mevo App! I lose quite some weight with this weight loss app and i finally could make my husband happy :)

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