It's very discouraging to know that I've been doing this for such a long time, yet have not made much progress.
I've been dieting, thinking about what I'm going to eat 24/7, weighing myself several times a day, ruining my ankles with exercising, and holding onto hope that I'd lose weight for over 2 months now. I've dreamed of being at a healthy weight since childhood. In primary school, I would place the sides of my palms over either sides of my thighs, and imagine what they'd look like if I was a slimmer person.
This hope, in addition to a strange bout of confidence, is slowly but surely diminishing. As that diminishes, the temptations to "cheat" grows day by day.
I've been very good, I think. I haven't eaten chocolate, cake, or any treats in months other than the odd biscuit every week or so, and I usually throw half of it away, lol.
But, there comes a point when you think “Meh, what's the point?“. I was morbidly obese when "cheating" was my lifestyle, and I'm still morbidly obese now, even while eating less calories than what your average person would eat.
“Calories in, calories out!“ I always hear slimmer people say (online). Pffft. Yeah, if it was that easy, I'm sure there'd hardly be any obese people.
As my dieting is a secret, my mother still buys be a lot of junk food. I've now accumulated 2 tubs of chocolate ice cream, 3 large bars of chocolate, 2 big packets of sweets, and a chocolate cake. I'll find a way to throw them out, but I always drag myself back into reality, and tell myself “It wouldn't make a difference whether you dieted or scoffed them all down. You'll always be this size.“. This is true, for a very long time.
Just random thoughts that swirl through my mind. Nothing much!