This "life" I lead doesn't feel as though it's worth living…

So, here we are again. I don't know why I'm so saddened by being at this point once again. If the rest of my life is anything to go by, then this should've been totally expected. I can't think of one point in my life where I've achieved anything worthy. It's been a hell, full of failure.

Let me cut to the chase. I've gained 1½lbs since last Wednesday. I didn't expect this. I didn't do anything drastically different this week. Really, I'm quite a boring, repetitive person. You've most likely picked up on this through my writing and vocabulary.

The only thing I've really changed is… I don't even know. Maybe a few of the days, I tried my hardest to hit between the amount of calories suggested by the BMI calculator, as opposed to the very beginning of my "weight loss" journey (I was under-eating).

I was so stupid. I got sucked in by others' successes on here. I thought that I should aspire to their accomplishments, that they would be achievable for me. But, there was always an inkling of doubt that lingered in the back of my head, reminding me of the stupidity in it.

Which brings me to the point I'm at now…

I'm genuinely considering dropping this all. This is a totally serious consideration, unlike my other posts that can be attributed to bursts of frustration.

I've skipped college for 3 days, which started on Monday when I caught on to the trajectory my "weight loss" was going. It has been arguably the worst few days of my life in a while, years.

I've never been religious nor superstitious, but I'm starting to wholeheartedly believe I've been cursed from birth, lol.

Gosh, what a "life"… it hurts so much.


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31 Replies

  • I'm so sorry you feel so down. Have you been to the doctor to discuss your well being? Doctors are getting better at dealing with mental health these days.

    I do hope you carry on, checking your posts I can see you weighed 300lbs. You will benefit hugely from losing weight . I wish I had done it years ago.

    Good luck x

  • No. I don't really feel comfortable going to mental health services, I also have social anxiety. I've also heard the waiting times for psychiatrists is awful, and that antidepressants cause weight gain.

    I don't see myself ever losing weight.

    Thanks for the reply!

  • Hi DiDIZia, Please don't give up on your weight loss journey. I joined this forum 5 weeks ago and have been looking at the posts daily. They have given me a huge amount of encouragement and it's great to see other people on the same journey and how they deal with the barriers that stop us from giving up. I didn't record my weight until this

  • Sorry sent before I had finished post. The tips on this forum are fantastic. I didn't log my weight until this week now on day 3 and so far so good. Like EllaMidlands said please speak to your GP. I had to do the same last year and counselling has really helped me. I am in my 61st year and wished I had dealt with things differently 30 years ago. Please don't give up all the tools are on this forum to help you. Good luck and a hug from me.

  • DiDiZia, I lost weight whilst on anti-depressants, as when I started to feel better I walked more and I wasn't comfort eating the same way. Why not go and have a chat with your GP? You don't have to sign up to anything you don't want or are not comfortable with, but it will feel like such a weight off your shoulders getting it out there. Baby steps x

  • Hi Jordan,

    I feel heart sorry for you, because you've got yourself on a downward spiral and we're not in a position to be able to physically help you. If you don't take the steps to get professional help, then you're going to continue to get deeper into your depression.

    You know, that being on the spectrum, makes you more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression, which coupled with difficulties with social interaction, makes for some very unhappy times. I'd like you to read this and any other material that you can find yourself, to see if it will give you the impetus you need, to seek help. Maybe you could approach NAS, for advice?

    Negative thoughts lead to negative deed and vice versa. What's possible for us, is also possible for you, but you have to believe it and you have to give it time. There will always be ups and downs on your journey and you need to learn to go with the flow.

    You can do this, my friend and we can help you :)

  • Hi DiDiZia

    Your post is so sad - my heart goes out to you. you are so down on yourself. You do really need to get help for your depression because until you do you will find it so hard to address your weight problem. It is clear that your problems are interlinked. Please see your GP and ask for a referral. Some of us get very upbeat about our successes and I can see that from where you are it must feel irksome. Daisy1925

  • Oh no! I can totally relate to how you're feeling and really would like to try and help. You're at college so am I right to think you are a young person?

    I am a college lecturer (now redundant so not strictly true but I have lots of experience). I currently work in children and young people's mental health as a business manager. The charity I work for help 10-24 year olds. I am not a clinician but have a good awareness of the sorts of issues young people present with.

    I noticed you have said you're not happy with accessing mental health services. Is that because of the stigma? It's not uncommon to feel this way and I wondered if I could help you to change your mind? If you have any questions, do please ask and I'll answer as best I can or check with colleagues if I don't know.

    I know it's important to you and I have felt the same bore about weight gain. I am not in any way trying to minimise your feelings but hand on heart, you are not going to look like you gained 1 1/2 lbs. When I lost weight I had to lose 2 stones before anyone noticed.

    Please don't despair. Your gain could be for a number of possible reasons. Fluid retention or muscle gain are just a few. When I used to post on weight loss forums we'd say 'don't worry, a big poo will sort it'. 🙈

    Drink plenty of water and eat plenty of vegetables. Keep up your sterling work. You can crack this.

    Is there anything you want to ask me regarding mental health services? If you can, do speak to your GP and see what's on offer in your area. There may be counselling available at your surgery. Another option is to speak to your college and see what they can offer. Asking for help is a huge step, I know but it's the first step towards feeling better.

    Sending hugs. Xxx

  • I meant before not 'bore'. 😊

  • Yes, I'm relatively young at 19 years old.

    I don't really want to go, because my sister or mother may find out. Mental health is kind of a taboo subject in our household, and my mother looks down on it all.

    When I was 14 years old, I was sectioned for 28 days. They concluded that I have atypical autism, and hinted at depression. They said they wanted to keep me in longer due to my low self-esteem.

    I've heard stories of doctors sending letters home, and family members accidentally opening their letters, only to find out about their family member visiting mental health services.

    I don't want this to happen to me. To be frank, I don't trust doctors or psychiatrists.

    My doctor is useless. I have itchy welts all over my body, it's usually worse when I wake up. She led me to believe it was scabies, then insect bites (crazy!), then I started to take allergy tablets myself, and poof! They were gone. It's hives, my skin is having an allergic reaction to something, but she won't even allow me to have an allergy test!

    Another incident happened last year, when I couldn't even walk for 2 minutes without stopping due to breathlessness, dizziness, and light-headedness. She tried to imply it was lack of exercise. I had to do investigating myself, and I discovered I have anemia. I took iron tablets, and these symptoms receded in 2 weeks. She gave me a blood test when I let her know, and it said my iron levels were almost half of what they should be.

    I've had a teacher laugh with other students at my weight. Really, many older adults aren't much better.

  • Oh my word. It's absolutely no wonder you have lost faith in the services and I'm terribly sorry to hear that. At 19, in NHS terms, you would go straight into adult services (unless there is a local provision like ours which probably isn't the case). If you tell me where you live, I'd be happy to investigate whether you can self refer.

    Things improve all the time and have hopefully greatly improved since your negative experience. For one, at 19 any referral should be confidential and nobody should be discussing it without your consent. You can decide how you should be contacted and so if you request no letters then no letters should be sent.

    As for your teacher doing that to you, I am truly appalled. I would encourage you to complain but realise that's a difficult thing to do. Perhaps when you get to give anonymous feedback. Just travelling so apologies for ending abruptly. I'll check back later.

  • That's nice to know that it can be confidential. That's been the biggest hurdle for me, lol. I live in Shoreditch, Hoxton/Haggerston Hackney.

  • Let me have a little nose at what's on offer and I'll come back to you.


    Have a look at this page. I think these sound ideal. I promise they would treat your case confidentially. Tell them to make a note that your family are unaware and you wish it to remain that way. It's not unusual.

    I telephone clients all the time and if they're over 14 I only disclose to Mum or Dad if the file tells me that they are aware.

    Would you be prepared to call them? If not, is there someone who could call on your behalf?

  • Thanks a ton for the link and your help!!

    I have emailed them. I'll see if they reply. If not, I may call in, but I'm not very good a speaking.

  • Ah well done! I'm sure they will respond. Hopefully this is the first step to you feeling lots better. It's okay not to be okay. Good luck lovely. Xx

  • Hi I agree with the others that you could be suffering from depression and/or anxiety. There are two good depression sites on here and I think it would help you to join them.

  • Thanks for replying.

    Yes, you're right. I've had depression for about 8 years now, since I was 12.

    I'm currently following one​ of the depression sub-forums on here, though it does depress me even more sometimes, lol.

  • I believe I suffer from both. Depression's always been bad, but my anxiety is worsening. There's nothing much I can do about it, though.

  • I am so sorry that you feel like that DiDiZia every life is precious and your no less precious than others. My weight goes up and down like a yo yo, I know that because I weigh myself every day.

    Perhaps think about a couple of small goals to aim for, going to college every day would be good.

    Have you looked at what others are eating on Daily Diary or thought about the Happiness Challenge.

    Take care

  • I think I'm just kicking myself, because just a few months ago, I was a stone lighter. I started near-starving myself for about 2 weeks, then I ended up relapsing, hard. So, that lead to me gaining more weight than I had lost. Which means I'm now trying to get back to that starting weight.

    This basically means, even when I do lose 1 or 2 lbs, I'm not particularly happy with it, because it's still heavier than my starting weight a few months ago, lol.

    Luckily, I don't have college until Monday. This'll give me time to reflect, and perhaps look for ways I can help myself, and also look into my eating and exercise to see what I can change.

  • I do understand how hard it is . Please don't go into starvation mode because it throws your body into turmoil and almost inevitably a weight gain is the result. Slow and steady really is the way forward even if it is frustrating at times.

    Keep coming on the forum, it is almost like therapy. No one will pass judgement on you, everyone just supports as much as they can .

    Take care

  • Hi.

    I really feel your pain. I wish I had some wise words for you. I'm a newbie as of today but certainly not a newbie at feeling hopeless and down. I read your post and didn't for minute read "failure", I sensed a survivor. Someone who keeps getting up and trying again. The fact that you posted how you are feeling shows you are someone with courage who is not ready to give up. EllaMidlands is right you should also speak with your GP for some support.

    I have been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive DIsorder, I also have social anxiety. For me I waited too long to get help, now I have to come to terms with difficulties I face and manage my condition the best I can. Its not all roses but I have learned a lot about myself along the way. Perhaps talking things through with someone, anyone, would free you enough to see what I saw in your post and thus achieving whatever your goals are.

    The best advice I ever received was " fake it till you make it" we humans are very hard on ourselves, our brain doesn't tell us this, we tell our brain this and it controls our mood. On advice I tried a few techniques to fool myself into feeling better. One was to never say any discouraging or negative things about myself, to my self or in to myself and if a compliment was given I had to simply say "thanks". Harder than it seems to someone who feels down. But out gave me a giggle trying.

    Lots of luck

    You can do this x

  • Hi nice to meet you Fortynfedup. I totally agree with you. Putting on a 'face' all the time is exhausting and not to be recommended, but smiling more will attract positive reactions rather than negative and this alone can make you feel a bit better. After all no one likes or is attracted to a sad sack are they?

  • Hi lilaclil

    Nice to meet you to. How's your weight loss journey? I'm a newbie and it's only day three and I want to eat my weight in chocolate lol. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, after all, even just two days out of seven on a diet is better than none.


  • Hi Fortynfedup. I am not following the NHS plan mainly because I don't have that much to lose, around 1 stone but a little more would be nice. At the moment I am concentrating on tweaking my food habits and adding more fruit and veg and less biscuits and cake etc.

    I aim to eat more healthily and hopefully lose some weight at the same time. However I have lost around 4 1bs in the past 6 weeks and it is encouraging me to cut down on the crap. Eg I went for a roast today but didn't, unlike my friends, have a dessert. Being poor also helps!

    I do read all the posts on here and follow the stories and think it is helping to keep me on the straight and narrow, but I can't bear calorie counting!

    They are a lovely crowd on here and will help and support you all the way.

  • Thanks Lilaclil.

    I was so good the first 3 day and then its kind of fallen away a bit. I've still eaten less than normal and moved more so I don't feel I've failed but I do hope I've lost a pound to keep my spirits up. If not I'll just need to try again.

    I really need to write things down and get excersize, I cheat less if I do. Its so hard with work and a big family. I know, EXCUSES!!!

    How has this week been for you so far?

  • Lol, I'm assuming you mean the weather! It really clammy tonight.

    I'm planning a big Italian salad for lunch tomorrow with some chicken skewers.

    Good luck for weigh I.

  • Hello again DiDiZia - well done you for being honest about how you feel and engaging with other people via this forum.

    And you are not stupid at all - you are thoughtful and you want to do something about your health. These are not stupid things. Don't give up. You haven't yet found what works for you - and you need to find it. Make that your mission?

    I guess college may be finishing soon for the summer? Is there a student welfare officer or guidance person there you can talk? Or a GP about your weight? Would it help you to take that kind of step to getting some more help in "real life"?

    I don't recall seeing you in the Daily Diary - mind you I don't religiously read everyone's post. If you don't use it, I can recommend it as a way of recording what you are eating and the calorie counts. And people do offer kind advice there, I certainly have been finding it helpful.

    It's like any project - a cycle of plan, do, review (and crucially go back to the beginning again till your project is finished). If what you do isn't working, you need to review and reassess and make a different plan. That is perfectly normal. If you need more help, get more help.

    I know it sounds easy for me to say, when I am not in your shoes. But I do know what it's like to have to ask for help. And I am a bit of a loner so it's hard for me - but ultimately worth it. I hope you find the same.

  • hello,

    Do not give up,sometimes things go wrong,you feel like nothing goes right,but you can do it,

    talk to people you can trust,there is alot of people who feel the same as you.

    Good luck,keep in touch

  • This post saddens me, I really feel for you and wish I could help. Please follow the advice others are giving you, it is / feels like a constant battle to lose weight, especially if others are destroying your confidence. Hope you keep trying, you are worth the effort!

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