Feeling Rebellious

Ahhh dear me! :P

I've been so naughty today and there is no way I'm getting to my target by next weigh in! :P I've been getting huge cravings today and I gave in. I made toast and ate it (4 slices) and then I had two packs of crisps and then one of those Mr Kipling apple and blackcurrant cakes! OMG! Like I'm not even attempting to count the calories. :P I know, huge binge or what!

What is slightly puzzling I guess is that I don't care too much...I'm getting really fed up of counting calories all the time and getting into the 9 stones seem insanely difficult and I don't think I will ever get there (especially if I continue to binge eat like today)! I work hard and watch what I eat most of the time and it's just too much some times; so yes, today I cracked. :P

I'm thinking I might just have to learn to be happy being in the 10 stones...I'm now a size 12 (that's a huge drop from size 20/22 which is the size I was when I started) and no, not yet in a healthy BMI. I'm wondering what will happen if I refuse to count calories anymore and just eat what I want (bear in mind I'm vegan anyway and I do enjoy eating fruit and veg) so I don't think I'll ever get as big as I was again but I feel I can't stop till I have reached a healthy BMI...well you know what? Part of me thinks that even if I get there I will not stay there...so why bother?

I can't apologise for being all depressed because if I'm being honest I don't feel depressed...I know I binged and I enjoyed it. With that in mind I guess I should apologise for the rebellious post? Anyone else ever got like this or did they clear off when they came to this conclusion? :P I'm not sure what I want anymore! If I stop trying to lose weight and just enjoy food again without constantly worrying how many calories/fat/sugar etc is in it can I still post here? I feel I'm a bit in limbo... :(

Sazkia

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43 Replies

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  • Your weight loss overall is inspirational ! Do you like your shape and energy? If so then maintaining where you are could work for you. There would be less pressure as you could give yourself a half stone window or something. I have never been in your position (yet - give me time) but you will probsbly know when you are happy as you are. I would probably weigh quite regularly though it weight might creep up again. Good luck, be happy but don't leave us as your support for everyone is great.

  • Thank you, EllaMidlands :)

    I think I might try to maintain but after a little break for a week or two (a break from counting calories not from here).

    I enjoy being active on the forum and I think being active and offering support here will keep me eating healthy too. :)

    Sazkia β™₯

  • You can still be on the forum and maintain 😊 We need positive supportive people like you 😊

    I think it's your body saying enough, I'm happy at this weight 😊 You have done amazingly well 😊

    Whatever you decide we are behind you 100% 😊😊😊

  • **HUGS** Thank you, Anna61 β™₯ I think you're right, I guess I'm just using this forum as a sounding board for my thoughts is all. :)

    I love this place and the people, more than you all really know. :) This place is a big part of what helped me lost over 4 stone and I think you will all be a big part of me maintaining as well. :)

    β™₯ Sazkia β™₯

  • Felt like that for a few days now. Almost ate a packet of crisps about 30 mins ago. I stared at it for quite a while and somehow went for a bowl of fresh salad but I know how easy it would have been not to.

    Don't wish to be contrary but eating toast, crisps and cake, as a vegan or not, is unlikely to be helpful when maintaining.

    I'm not sure I can come up with something terribly clever to help you but I am concerned for you and hope you can find a way of regrouping your thoughts.

    Wishing you all the strength you need.

  • Oh I was not saying toast, crisps and cake are healthy (regardless of being vegan or not) and I wouldn't eat all three every day - today was a binge! :P

    But yeah, I don't think there is anything clever to say to get me losing again because I'm sort of thinking I might have lost enough. I think the binge was a sort of rebellious act towards myself lol...no idea if that makes sense. :P Only, no part of me protested or felt bad for it afterwards - all aspects of me (you know, the side that's naughty and wants stuff, the side that's good and is usually what stops me etc) seemed to be in agreement for once. :P

    Yeah, what I meant was still be mindful - like I will still be trying to eat plenty of fruit and veg and water and exercise regularly but not count calories anymore and not worry too much about other stuff. Does that make more sense? I think because I'm not sure yet it is coming across that way too! :P

    Sazkia :)

  • I too went a little bit over the top with the calories yesterday and ended up consuming over 2600 calories. I normally try to stay around 1600 cals. I had to really push myself to record them on my fitness pal. I have tried to cut down today but it is hard. This is the first time in 6 weeks that I have eaten chocolate and I feel like I have let myself down. Had a few drinks and this then let my guard down. 😩

  • It happens, especially in the beginning when making all those changes! I see you've lost three stone so far, is that all in 6 weeks?

  • Started plan Jan 15 and by April16 lost 3.5 Stone. Put back 17lbs by Jan 17 lost 10.25 lbs this year so far. Starting weight 2 years ago was 17stone 3lbs, had a stressful job which I have now left. πŸ˜€

  • Ah I see! Okay, I was a bit worried you had lost 3 stone in 6 weeks and like wow that would have been quite unhealthy but I see that's not the case!!! Thanks for clarifying. ;) :D

  • Thanks you have done so well I am sure that you will succeed on whatever you decide to do. Don't give up. Looks like the technical blip has righted itself haha !!!🌟

  • Well done for recording them...I am ill disciplined when in binge mode and just give up on MFP

  • Yeah I know what you mean I nearly did the same myself hehe !!! Thanks for your reply sue πŸ˜€

  • I recognise everything you write and I think it is a very importing issue to address.

    After months of obsessing over food and constantly weighing myself I am now struggling to regain a good relationship with food without regaining the weight.

    I don't know the answer, but I do think it has to do with mindful eating. Slowing down, eating only when physically hungry, listening to my body... easier said than done...

  • I think you're right - it's all about being mindful for sure. After I had my binge I sat back, honestly reflected on what I was feeling and thought - I'm full now.

    A year ago I would have felt awful about a binge and comforted myself with say a pizza or a burger (I was not vegan then) and just refuse to acknowledge my habits. Today, however, I binged and thought; 'Okay, so I binged. I liked the food, it tasted good and I don't feel bad about it but I don't need or want anymore because I'm full now'. I think that alone shows how far I've come. In the past (before I lost all this weight) I just ate ate ate....I never really thought about it and I didn't allow 'being full' to get in the way. Now, I'm mindful. I really hope this is making sense but not sure because I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. :P

    You're right though, all of this is easier said than done! I actually think losing the weight back then was the easier part...it's far more difficult now than it was say last August! :P

  • You have come such a long way, Sazkia. I am in awe of the changes you have made to your life, and I am sure you will be able to maintain your new weight - it is not going to be easy, but you will find your way!

    I think what makes maintaining so difficult to cope with is that it has to be for life... It won't work to 'get back to normal'

  • Sazkia you have come far, my sister was 19 st five yrs ago is now 13st 3lb. She is a size 14 and looks amazing! She like you got fed up counting calories and now just goes by how her clothes feel. And has done this for over a year now and this works for her! Holidays she can put 4to 5lb on but within a couple of wks it's off again, she is happy with her life and as she said eating is a big part of it, to me she has cracked it and well done to her. I hope you don't mind me telling you all this, but I think you like my sister will find your own way of looking after your Heath and weight. Good luck to you, and look forward to your posts. X

  • Thank you, I think it'll take a while for me to work it out but yes, you may be right and I'll find my own way of doing it, like your sister! I'm very glad she did so well and is now well adjusted and happy. :)

    Sazki :)

  • Well don't beat yourself up over it is what I say, be mindful you are a human and we humans are a long way from infallible πŸ˜ƒ...Or am I just using that as an excuse? Hmmm.....πŸ˜—

  • hahaha I don't know, are you? :P We humans are NOT perfect though so nar, you're right! ;)

  • Oh yes easier said than done, we all have blips, gained 2lbs struggling to get motivated and get it off

  • I do understand the rebellious feeling, I've never been able to calorie count for more than about 3 months as I get so cross with it, I know it works for weight loss and I know some people are really helped by the structure but it irritates me. That's why at the moment I'm trying to see how much I can loose without counting and it is coming off albeit VERY slowly. I'm aware as I have 2.5 stones to lose this might work for now but not when i get a bit lower so I'm saving that 3 months motivation to count calories for when this grinds to a halt. It sounds as though you have reached a real fed up point and healthy eating without counting might be what you need even if it's for a few weeks maintains break, and without the counting frustration the binge might be less likely. πŸ˜€

  • I've been counting calories since the end of July 2016 so yes, I think I'm truly fed up of it now! :P I'm going to try a couple of weeks not counting calories at all and just try to be mindful but not too critical of everything I consume. I will see what happens. If I maintain during that time I will be extremely happy. If not then it's back to the drawing board and more than likely another post with me rambling on about how I've no idea what to do and I'm losing the will hahaha! :P

    I think this is going to be an interesting couple of weeks, for sure! :P

  • Sounds like a good plan!

  • That sounds like a good plan Sazkia, it will give you a good idea of what you can achieve. You know we will all still be here to support you, and for some of us just starting out it will help us to know what to do when we get to your stage. Good luck and keep posting:)

  • Aw, thank you lucigret that means a lot and yes, going through this might come in use for newer members later down the road! :)

    Sazkia :)

  • It is heartening that not counting calories is working for you, even if it is slow progress it is progress all the same. :)

  • I don't think you need to feel depressed or apologise about anything! OK, so you 'binged', but that has come after months of impressive hard work. Having an 'off day' is perfectly acceptable, in my view, in particular when you've come so far. If you feel happy, and at peace with yourself, that is the most important thing, so I'm glad you're not feeling critical towards yourself. As has been said time again on this forum, think of it is a long term change for life, not a diet, if that helps you. Personally, I feel I need to have a bit of the sweet stuff in my life on a weekly if not daily basis. If I cut out a food completely, I will immediately want it. I love toast, so why would I stop eating it? I just balance it out with other things. If you are mindful and perhaps don't eat like that everyday, you should be fine :D

    That may be why it's taking me so long to lose the last five pounds I'm aiming for, but in a way I do like the route I've taken, because I'm eating treaty things in moderate amounts.

    I hope that makes sense, I'm very tired today so I'm a little muddled!

    Think about it carefully, but you don't have to decide anything at all right now. If I were you I would just play with maintaining, either counting calories or not, and reassess how you feel in a couple of weeks' time. I wonder if you would be sort of on 'autopilot' with calorie counting, so you'd instinctively still be eating moderately, as you have for so long?

    Also, think of the incredible amounts of calories you're burning with all your exercise! I think you've earned

    Also also, don't stop posting on here please :)

  • I won't stop posting on here, I love you all. :) β™₯

    You've raised some good points and I do wonder after months of calories counting if I'll roughly have an idea how many I'm eating even if I don't count them! I'm definitely going to relax a bit over the next two weeks, no counting calories. I'll be mindful though. :)

    I'm loving working on my fitness too, OMG I love running so much! Guess who is going to run her 3rd 5K this week? Yep, ME! :D Three 5ks in one week! I couldn't dream of doing that last year!!! I'm not aiming to sprint it but just to complete it so my time might be quite a bit different but I'm happy with my increased physical activity. What's great about it is I don't feel I've pushed myself too far with it either; which may have something to do with increased calories. :D

    I'll be amazed if I haven't gained weight at this weigh in on Tuesday, besides eating more calories I have also been working out a lot more too so I know I've been building muscle. :)

    Sazkia β™₯

  • Glad to hear you won't leave here :D

    Also am glad that your running is going so well.

    Thought of another point then I will stop pontificating... in my opinion the fact that your attitude to your toast feast (which sounds yummy, to be honest) today is so positive, putting things into perspective, shows what a great emotional transformation you have undergone, which is at least just as important, if not more important, than your physical transformation <3

  • I agree! :D I see no point in making myself feel bad about it; what is done is done and that toast was blooming gorgeous! :D :P I love my toast! β™₯

  • You have done so well Sazkia. I wish it was me. ..I am struggling big time. However I have to keep trying. A blip now and again may be a good thing . Please do not give up, have an enjoyable binge and start again tomorrow. x

  • I am sorry to find you feel you're not doing well but you're right, all you can do is try. Try and not allow it to get you down though, those feelings won't help. You will get there. :)

    Sazkia β™₯

  • At least I am happy and healthy which is the main thing. I have been walking a lot more,which is good.😊

  • Exactly - you have your health! That's wonderful about walking more, that will help both with weight-loss AND your mental well-being. You're doing better than you think, I'm sure. ;)

    Sazkia β™₯

  • A planned 'blip', upping natural fat intake for a week or two every month to maintain weight, reduces the risk of reaching a plateau Htrep, provided you reassess your needs afterwards.

  • Keep going Htrep, you're doing really well, a stone gone I see, I wish that were me! We all want what others have achieved and we all just need to support one another and stay focused. Keep up the walking great exercise for body and mindπŸ˜„

  • It sounds like my week. My partner bought in a loaf of bread that I adore from Aldi...And I ate most of it that night with various fillings and when bored with fillings just margarine. Thank God there was no real butter and no jam in the house or the lot would have gone ... And in between the bread I had a tin of chicken soup too I still just want to eat but I didn't feel guilty although I think the guilt is lurking now. I was a bit better yesterday and made some healthy spinach and broccoli soup to slurp on. I also hadn't tried running for a week so also managed to go out and do my C25K instalment,so am feeling a little more positive

  • I know the rebellious feeling, having had it myself - the difficulty for me has always been that I've responded to it before I got to my goal weight and as such always ended up feeling that I'd blown the diet anyway so why bother continuing? I like your attitude of being mindful even if you forget the calorie counting. Maybe it's time for a change? Try a new sort of diet if you still have weight to lose, even just for a few weeks, to give you a new sense of interest in achieving goal. Or a new hobby (something not associated with weight loss, mind!) to get your mind off the all-consuming calorie demon. Being kind to yourself, as you know, doesn't have to involve crisps and cake - so long as you can remember that maybe it is, as you say, just time for a break.

  • Thank you! :) I have been getting into my running and would love to work on that more so I might look into joining a running club!

  • Sazkia maybe this is a good point to maintain. I'm at a healthy bmi and have been there for over a year now, but only just, by a few lbs. So don't get hung up on that bmi number. I think a lot of people have builds that mean a bmi in the 25s or 26s is perfectly healthy. I wanted to get firmly in the 9s which I just about managed (a few times!) but I think my body is just happier in the 10s. So I feel we're in a similar position.

    Firstly, I agree with a lot that IbenCopenhagen says in her reply here. I have done the same as you and more, rebellious days is a great term for it. I really got fed up with calorie counting and have completely stopped. I'm not even weighing myself now as my scales have broken and I refuse to replace them! I'm trying to just react directly to my awareness of what I eat rather than the effect on the scales etc.

    Secondly, elliebath has posted a few times to explain that maintaining isn't a flat line at the end of our weight loss journey. Weight will still fluctuate in the same way as life has its ups and downs. So maintaining isn't about being a perfect angel all the time, it's more about keeping your eye on the ball :)

  • Very good response there. I really like the idea of not weighing myself and actually try instead to listen to my body! I feel real sluggish today (because let me put it this way....a few hours after this post I stayed up late and 'helped' out the freezer by eating half a strudel and ice cream (vegan of course) as our shopping arrived and we needed room in the freezer! :( I don't know what has got into me lately! I know I'm due anytime next week, so it might be partly hormonal. I have worked out big time this week, with a lot HIIT so it might also be in part to that plus a large side of being fed up! This morning I don't feel well, just really sluggish, moody and fed up still. That alone should help me not binge like I did yesterday. I think it really is time I just take a break for a while....no counting cals, no weigh-ins. I tried my size 12s today and they still fit fine so I get I can't blow all my hard work in one day so that's reassuring. :P I will weigh in this Tuesday purely because I'm taking part in a challenge and it's the last week and I want to held accountable for weigh gain. After that I think it's time to work on my relationship with food again - not my relationship with calories; that's all I see when I see food now!!

    I have been thinking of focusing more on my running too and join a running club. The way I see it is I will have people in real life that expect me to turn up and join in so that will help. :) I half think that if I focus on my fitness and changing body composition I might gain a bit but actually end up looking better as I get fitter and gain more muscle. Many possibilities out there. ;)

    I think I am going to try and stay in the 10s, getting into the 9s would be awesome but I don't think it's going to happen for me so I shall try to just maintain instead so I'll join you guys! :D

    Sazkia

  • I agree that the calorie counting is wearing but is it logically possible to rebel against your own rational decision?

    I am convinced that the key to maintaining long term healthy eating is happiness. I have found the happiness [ see pinned posts] stuff very helpful.

    As you have been losing for so long, I feel sure you have seen it already, but it seems too simple to work. But it does, at least for me. It keeps you finding and appreciating what delights you. .... and stops you getting bored.

    Reaching a healthy BMI is/ was the mini [ not so much mini as a stage] goal I managed to just achieve this week; [24.9 is showing as healthy for me.] And you're not far away from that very worthwhile objective.

    Stick with it - everyone's rooting for you.

    Oh... I almost forgot... Very well done on the great weight loss to date.

    Cheers,

    Geniii

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