No self confidence

The battle with me in not knowing what is healthy and what isn't, what makes up a good diet and what doesn't (I have an honours degree in Nutrition), it's 2 things really. Firstly, due to me being a chef and being very hyperactive, It seems like I have an insatiable appetite. I am just hungry basically all the time.

But my main problem is my attitude towards myself. I hate myself. And everyone seems to hate me. I am not a teenager anymore and I hoped these mood swings and the feeling of being ostracised would go away once I was in "the adult world" but they haven't, they just seem to have gotten worse. I hate the fact that I'm not very good at putting my point across- I am smart but I just don't convery it well at all like others. I've never been a good looking girl. I was thin once but not anymore. I've failed at everything I thought I wanted to do. And all of this would be ok, I could be the massivest failure ever, as long as I had friends and was happy. But I don't. I have failure, no friends, and I feel like such a freak all the time. Nobody should have this thing in their head telling them "for gods sake "name here" just try not to say anything weird" all the time when amongst people. Ugh, life.

32 Replies

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  • Aww gentle hugs! I bet you are lovelier than you think. I struggle with socialising too and always have, especially now I'm very overweight. I have no friends in the town I live in and sometimes I feel a bit insecure about it aswell.

    My best friend (who's moved away now) has been diagnosed recently with Autism Spectrum Disorder and what you said sounds similar to her in a lot of ways. Have you ever talked to your doctor about how you feel? even if you don't have ASD it may help to talk to doctor anyway if your struggling and feeling down?

    YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! I know when you're lonely it can feel like that but navigating life isn't easy, nobody is as perfect as they seem.

    As for being hungry all the time, how are your blood sugar levels? Do you get crashes? I have hypoglycemia and need to eat low GI. I also started taking a few vitamin supplements to balance blood sugar and I'm much less hungry now. Almost normal ! πŸ˜‰

    Just remember just because you are struggling with some parts of your life does not make you a failure.

    I hope ive said something useful and haven't offended.

    πŸ’š hugs



  • I moved recently for a new job and I guess since then I've really thought a lot more about the way I interact with people. I have ADHD (attention deffasit- diagnosed at 13), but of late I've really wondered whether I may be autistic too. Just because over the years I've always found it difficult to make friends, and lately I feel like I literally have no idea what people are thinking (eg. Empathy is it?). Blood sugar/vitamin wise I am in perfect health, but I have been told I produce too much cortisol, leading to increased stress. Thank you for replying, I feel just a bit rubbish about myself I guess.

  • Heya, you're very welcome. I understand how you feel I often feel rubbish about myself. even though I have a chronic illness which makes it hard for me to get out and socialise I'm like 'why don't I have any friends? I must be deficient in some way'. Its hard to be kind to yourself though especially if your mood is low.


  • I hate to disagree, but you clearly aren't a failure! :)

    You've achieved an honors degree and have clearly made it through chef training. You also sound like you have an interesting job (which you presumably had to apply and interview for), so you've clearly succeeded at many things in life. I think the trouble is that we all tend to focus more on the things we don't have/don't do well rather than the things we have/have done well.

    I think albinohedgehog is right, you should see your doctor to see if there might be something else that's causing the problem, either with your moods or physically with your hunger.

    In the "no friends" category, didn't you say you were working as a chef in a restaurant before? Given the hours you said you worked, it's no surprise you don't think you know anybody. Doesn't sound to me like you had time to get out and make friends! So maybe you could think about what you're interested in and see if you could join a local club or volunteer. Anything that would get you out of the house and interacting with other people. That's the problem with work really. You may get along well enough with your co-workers but that doesn't mean you have similar interests outside of working hours. So maybe you could look at finding places you'll be able to meet people with similar interests. :)

    And the most important thing is to find out that you love yourself. I don't think you're going to get anywhere until you realize that you are a wonderful person and you are worth being healthy and happy. :)

    Good luck, we're all rooting for you.

  • You don't really need chef training to become a chef- in reality unless in rosette/Michelin places, the majority of chefs are either Eastern European low wage workers, or young lads that failed at school/have a criminal record. I did a year of catering college. Anyway,it's a little more complicated than that- I used to work as a typical restaurant chef (for about 9 years) but after graduating recently have got an Npd tech/development chef job (inventing new products for supermarkets)- which had normal 9-5 mon-fri hours. So that isn't the problem. I moved recently, city I've never lived, and I did make a few friends at the local pub, but my fella didn't like me going to the pub and drinking too much so I've stopped now. I agree about "the most important thing"- but I don't know how to start liking myself, I have no idea how to start.

  • Sorry for the late reply, didn't manage to log on here yesterday! :)

    I think that a chef is someone with training, other wise you're just a cook. I worked as a cook in a nursing home for a couple of years so I know what you're saying about training in that aspect. But as you said, you did go to catering college so you've definitely succeeded there. :)

    Not being an expert or a professional, I can't really tell you how to like yourself. The only thing I can suggest is to look for the positive in yourself. Think of the sort of things you admire in others and find them in yourself.

    And, not being an expert, I've Googled a little help. I hope it can point you in the right direction:

    Good luck. I'm rooting for you to succeed. :)

  • Heya, thank you for this link, it was really useful, makes me think about all of this in a different way.

  • That's the good thing about the internet, you can find just about anything if you rummage around a bit! :)

    Glad to be of help.

  • You sound very like me in my younger years. As a teenager, I completely rejected the rest of the human race and chose to spend my free time with dogs and horses who are always pleased to see you, never criticise and never answer back! I am better with people now, mainly in a one to one situation, but still not keen on socialising at parties, so I can feel some empathy with you.

    Your relationship with food is probably as a source of comfort when you are stressed, and this is a habit that is as hard to break as any addictive habit. However, habits can be changed; you just need a strategy, a plan of action, and a good reason to do it.

    The important thing to focus on is that the rest of your life starts today. Nothing that has gone before matters - from this moment forwards, you can re-write the book. Tell yourself; I am an intelligent, educated woman with a warm and friendly personality. I am in the driving seat and I will choose where my life is going. Then make a plan of action.

    Get a calorie counter like myfitnesspal or nutracheck and plan some interesting menus keeping your calories between say 1500 and 1900 to start with. You can drop the amount as you lose weight. Prepare some healthy soups, have rice-cakes, fruit teas ready for those hungry moments. Focus on what you plan to do when you are slim and fit and promise yourself you will do it.

    Lastly, come and chat on this forum when you feel peckish, you will meet other like-minded individuals, all of whom have had their own personal struggle to lose weight.

  • Thanks for the support, yeah even though I'm in my mid twenties now I still feel like I did as a teenager- self hating, stressed, depressed, socially isolated, it's weird. Maybe it's because I never had time to actually explore and tackle these problems, and now that I feel it is affecting my adult career and future happiness, it really scares me. It's funny I say I'm weird socially- I would say I'm an extroverted introvert- I love going to parties, but I never get invited out by anyone to do anything. But sometimes in a room with 1 or 2 people I don't know what to say. I am on a 1400kcal plan, but it's like this week- Monday-Thursday I did amazing, worked out every day, ate really healthy, then yesterday felt really depressed, and dizzy too, and so didn't exercise and had a load of pasta. And I bet you when I go to the gym and weigh in I'll have put all that weight back on or more. It just takes one dsy a week to screw up any hard work.

  • Hi firstly welcome to the forum here you will not be judged only encouraged and given advice if you ask for it.

    Secondly I think you are excellent at putting your point across on paper/writing anyway and a failure hell getting a degree, years at uni and obtaining a job as a chef, feel proud, very proud of yourself πŸ‘.

    When I grew up I was always trying to please my parents which no matter what I did wasn't enough, I was second best and the feeling ruined my years upto recently where I became selfish to a point and started thinking of myself more hence sorting myself out, starting with weight loss and this brilliant site which can help you along the way too.

    Who said you are not a good looking girl? I have never been fantastic looking by any means but I am who I am and so are you, people like a smiling face and an honest friend someone who can keep a confidence and show loyalty.

    You work unsocial hours probably, like has already been said try to join a group, my daughter has just joined a group who like outdoor pursuits as she is still single and many of her friends are married now.

    It is worth a trip to see your GP just to inform on your weight loss plans and also your feelings about yourself which are more common than you probably think.

    Keep posting and reading all the lovely advice already given with more probably still to come. Good Luck

    Bev πŸ’πŸ’πŸ’πŸ’πŸ’

  • I don't know, I was bullied a lot at school for being ugly, and even at a lower weight when I was at university I felt like such an ugly duckling compared to the other girls- I've never known much about makeup or fashion or anything, never been a very "girly girl". That's why I got on well as a chef I guess, I've always usually been the only woman in the kitchen. It's a little complicated- I used to be a typical "restaurant chef" (eg antisocial hours) but now I'm a development chef, so I have like normal office hours. So that isn't really an excuse anymore. Yeah, I really need to see my GP, just haven't got round to it since I've moved. Seems like ever since I was a teenager doctors didn't believe the ways I was feeling, it's so strange.

  • Sometimes when things either said or done at a young age stick in our minds like a seed then as he years go by any comment that could possibly be related to it adds on then we start to actually believe it. Usually if it is girls doing the bullying quite often it can be related to jealousy of some sort so they target the person they are jealous of.

    My middle daughter has always been a Tom boy right from the moment she could express her desire not to wear a dress etc she always had boys toys and played football and such. Make up was off the agenda till she was 16 and even now she only wears minimal make up.

    If you work with men and are a lone woman I think you must be amazing I don't think I could do it.

    Have you ever spoken to anyone and asked them for an honest opinion of you? I imagine if you did you would be surprised at their answer.

    I hope you manage to see a new GP sometimes you just have to find one who will listen, hopefully you will.

    Best wishes Bev

  • Yeah I went to an all-girls school and it was a bit lethal to be honest. It wasn't jealousy I was very shy and even stranger than I am now. But the weird thing about me now is that I'm much more "out there"- like i'll go to parties, chat, etc., but inwardly i'm panicking and worrying. Very strange.

  • Hi Chefmel :)

    Firstly, well done on taking steps forward. For someone who states they feel they can't get themselves across very well I think you explained yourself extremely well and you come across as a lovely nice person. :)

    I am sorry you feel so bad, it's not nice I know. I guess I just want to tell you that you're not on your own; here you'll find kindness and gentle encouragement. No one is here to judge you. This is YOUR life and we're all different to some extent. There's only acceptance here, from my own experiences anyway. I hope you find this to be the case also.

    There is lots of advice on nutrition and exercise and even mindfulness, which can help with anxiety and other similar issues. Please take the time to have a good read through the pinned threads on the forum.

    Good luck and it is very good that you're a member of our community. Welcome. :)

    Sazkia x β™₯

  • Thank you, I've found everyon really welcoming and friendly on here. I've always thought I've always been tried to be nice and good and friendly, and it hasn't got me anywhere, and I have met some really nasty peices of work in my trade and they seem to have all the luck. My doctor a while back said I have generalises anxiety disorder, which I'm on sertraline for, but I've been a bit shaky/ don't think it has been working lately. Also if I'm honest I've thought for years I have bi-polar, not anxiety, but doctors don't seem to want to listen.

  • You're welcome. :) I am really happy you have found this to be a welcoming and friendly place. :) I know the chef industry can be very stressful and I am sorry to learn you've had negative experiences. I think I remember reading someone's post, suggesting to you that it might be worth meeting people outside that circle? A change of scenery and some new faces could help you feel better. Then of course, there is always this forum. :) I know from experience anxiety can be a nightmare, I recently had a panic attack (I suffer from social anxiety and depression) and it completely drained me. :( I came on here, people were kind, supportive and encouraged me to be strong. That helped so much, I can't put it into words how much that helped. :) Could you possibly ask to see a different GP to discuss your medication? It's important you feel like your Dr is listening to you. When I was first getting my diagnosis I also had worries what I was suffering from was bi-polar, I had terrible mood swings, so high one minute then very low the next...that's calmed down a lot since (I've been on medication on and off for about 3 - 4 years now) I started on one drug but found that after a while it did not have the same effect so I discussed this with my GP and tried another, which fortunately seems to be working (fingers crossed). It's important that you have a frank and honest discussion with your GP but if they won't listen you have the right to change your GP.

    Sazkia x β™₯

  • As I have moved recently, it will be a new gp I'll be seeing, once I've got my act together and signed up to new surgery. I think maybe I need to try a new med, doesn't seem to be working at all.

  • Well get on to that and good luck. Let me know how you get on, please. :)

    Sazkia x β™₯

  • It's reassuring that you question what you've been taught.

  • Hi Chefmel πŸ˜€

    You hit the nail on the head with your last word LIFE!!

    We only have one ...

    Please don't waste yours feeling unloved, unworthy and unliked. You have expressed yourself perfectly. Your obviously a very capable person achieving all that you have πŸ˜†

    Don't hide behind yourself ... embrace what could be the start of something fantastic for you. Follow all the fantastic advice already given πŸ’–

    I can't really add anything else but to say ....


  • I fell I am an outgoing person and that theoretically I think life and love is beautiful, but I still hate myself and find myself lacking, I don't know how to change this self loathing behaviour.

  • I'm sure you will find your way Chefmel πŸ’– let us know how you get on with your journey. Someone is always here to help xx

  • Aw big hugs, life can be hard sometimes but you are not a failure - you have an honours degree which speaking from someone who is currently going through it (also in Nutrition and Human Health) I know how hard that is. I worry every day about being judged for studying this when I'm currently obese but people do not know my background which has lead to my weight gain and I'm working on trying to sort it too before I graduate! What I am trying to say is that lack of self confidence is often linked with being overweight and these types of concerns you are expressing are common. I sometimes feel people don't like me and I over-analyse everything but often we don't give ourselves credit for all we have achieved in life, we are our own worse enemies and need to give ourselves a break. I would maybe get checked out by a doctor too if you are really always hungry etc... could be an underlying problem. As to the friends it is hard, if you are not working all the time try to join a club or fitness class. Its difficult at first but I promise gets easier and you might make a friend or two as well as exercise. It is a vicious circle when you maybe don't want to go out and socialise, it gets harder the more time goes on and you just have to take baby steps. Think about counselling if you can, or CBT etc re feelings of yourself, really does help!! You can discuss this too with your GP if it is really bad and reach out to people here too like you are doing... you are never alone! x

  • I think you are right, I really overthink EVERYTHING, and instead of praising myself for things I achieve I put myself down for my failures. I don't work all the time, and I've been going to fitness classes/ the gym a lot but I don't really talk to anyone. I wonder about the hunger- personally I wonder if there is a link between ADHD and appetite, should've looked into it during my nutrition degree ey? Lol! Thanks for listening!

  • Hi and welcome Chefmel :)

    Take a look at the Pinned Posts section, to the right of your screen (bottom, if you're using a mobile) and have a look at the Welcome Newbies thread.

    Look at the Topics section beneath that, for posts that could answer any questions you may have.

    Consider joining any, or all, of our challenges, as they're fun and motivating.

    Join us for the monday group weigh-in. If you follow Lowcal and myself, you'll be notified when we post the threads. However, the latest thread can always be found in the events section, to the right of the home page.

    Be active on the forum, as that's where we exchange ideas and get our daily dose of motivation and inspiration :)

    Wishing you all the very best :)

  • Hugs, please go & see your Gp , they will listen to you & give you some ideas about how you can learn to love yourself again. Once you can do that I'm sure that everything will start to come together.

  • I'm honestly scared about visiting my GP about this. I feel the second I go in there and say: I find myself getting more and more socially insecure the older I get, I think I may be autistic, the doctor will immediately dismiss it, and just think I'm a hypochondriac.

  • That's not good , have you thought about contacting the Autism Society ? They will have a local branch that should be able to give you some support. If you feel that your gp would treat you that way maybe you could ask to see another Doctor ?

    I recently had to visit my gp twice in the last two weeks & I was worried that they would think that I was wasting their time but they didn't .

    I hope you can get some help soon xx

  • Hello

    I have nothing to add to these excellent answers above but I just want to wish you well in your weight loss journey 😊

  • Aww Hun really new to this site but couldn't read and run.

    I'm soo sorry your feeling this way.

    It easier said than done but try not to put yourself down so much. You clearly not a failure. You have managed to complete a degree in nutrition and your a chef, which is amazing.

    I found being in stressful and demanding job, does not make time for much socialising or anything else and you can become overwhelmed.

    Social media doesn't help aswell as you can focus on what other people are doing in their life and comparing it to yours, don't forget people only post what they what you to see and likely have the same struggles .

    I agree with comments and maybe trying social clubs to help you get out there and have a bit fun aswell. Why not treat yourself as well hairdressers, massage, spa day etc

    I also agree with the comments in regards to seeing your GP. They are an amazing source of support and can direct you to services that may help.

    I wish you all the best Hun xx

  • Well as I've explained in replies up there antisocial hours ain't the problem anymore, because as a development chef my house are basically normal office ones now. True about social media, a lot of my friends are happier and more successful. And never inviting me to anything, lol. I'm trying to be good about my money so I can't really afford expensive things like that. I'm not skint or anything but those are rather luxurious treats. Hope once I sign up to my new local gp now that I've moved they'll be a bit more helpful than the ones I've had in the past. Thank you

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