A concerned girlfriend

Hello everyone hasn't posted for a while.. Thought I will asked this community some advice.

Just started dated a guy we met online we have been on a few dates, I quite like this guy.. My concerned is he is massive obese .

I on the other side I am into fitness, gym 4 days a week, doing yoga, spinning classes, body, the I als run for 3 mins on the treadmill , I tried to combine cardio with strength.

I am not thin, but healthy, I Weight about 62kg, I am not obsessed or anything just like to keep a healthy balance in life ,

Back to the story my boyfriend weight is a problem for me, how can I tell him that he is overweight and he need to do something about it without hurting his feeling..

I need a way to tell him to loose some way. Deep down he is a really nice person, I do not want to sound as if his weight is an issue for me, but deep down I know it is, and I know that my friends and family will make nasty comments about him. I have never dated a man that is very overweight before, I have noticed that walking is already a big problem for him, as he got out of breath so easily..

Any advice will be greatly appreciated . Thank you.

15 Replies

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  • Maybe this is an attraction of opposites? Unfortunately, he will have to make the decision himself to lose weight - nobody can be pushed into it; and the best way is by you showing enthusiasm when he makes the effort to join you for walks, when he refuses a 2nd helping, when he chooses a healthy option to eat. Suggest he joins you for a bike ride perhaps - a lot of men find cycling a good way to lose weight as it doesn't strain the joints and brings out their competitive nature. Swimming too might come more easily to him. Show him some tasty (low-fat) recipes and suggest he tries these if he likes to cook. A little encouragement and praise goes a long way. Work on building his confidence and self-belief. Be interesting to hear how you get on!

  • Thank you DartmoorD..

    I will take your advice on board. Interesting name..

  • Am sure you know how difficult it to lose weight and keep it off...just sayin'

  • Thank you Texie, no I don't.. My biggest size I have been is a size 14, which that I found was to big for me, and I felt very overweight..

    I am not judging .. My concerned is not about vanity, but more of a health problem..

  • I am a big guy and it's not easy carrying a lot of weight around. I'm doing this for myself because I hated having sore legs or ankles when I walked. I got severely out of breath just getting out my armchair and walking up the stairs was like climbing Everest. Not going to mention about passing the Yeti on the stairs. (Wife wouldn't be happy). Now 7 weeks on I'm at the gym every weekday and I walk more that 30 miles a week. I also stick to a calorie controlled diet. I'm eating more food now than I ever was and I'm never hungry. The difference is that the food I choose to eat is not laden with high calories. After 7 weeks I no longer have any pains while out walking, my breathing has got much better and I look forward to my daily exercise routine. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if your boyfriend starts doing any form of exercise then he will feel better in himself in no time. If you continue to make the right food choices yourself then he will follow. Cook together, and make wholesome healthy food. As your bond grows then he will want to be around you 24/7. He is already going walks with you and although he is out of breath it shows that he is willing to make an effort because he enjoys your company and every minute you are together. Encourage him to join you at the gym or have a nice weekend walk in the country. If he feels the same way about you as you do about him them I'm sure things will work out for you both without you initially having to approach the subject of his weight. I'm sure that he realises that you're the best thing that's happened in his life in a while and that he needs to be interested and involved in your life choices so that he in turn becomes one of them. Good luck to you both.

  • Thank you for taking time to give me your advice. Very much appreciated. All of your comments are and advice a hugely appreciated. I wifi tried my best to do everything I can for him to maintain a very health life . In life we don't choose who we fall in love with..

    Respect to all of you..

  • DartmoorDumpling is right, it needs to be his own choice, but there is no harm helping him get some exercise. Speaking as an overweight man myself though, try not to make it seem like it's about weight loss or his appearance. It's not that men aren't interested in our self image, but part of the official course of manliness that all men here to pass in order to become fully fledged menly men is to not make it seem like we are interested. Almost like weight is a feminine issue (I know, it's not, but it's not like Nuts has a diet and weight loss section or asks what trendy diet Mark Whalberg is on this month). Maybe say you want to do more together and that you think exercising together will strengthen your relationship, then it's not about him it's about the two of you.

  • My husband is very overweight but he knows it as your partner will

    All you can do is support him but he must want to change as you can't do it for him .

    Be sensitive tactful but honest. Sometimes it's better to be truthful as long as it's done in a kind way.

    Hope you find a way to make sure your both happy

    Alyson

  • It's admirable that you care ❤ but sadly it has to be his choice or he won't do well.

    All the times I tried in the past when people said I should lose weight I failed. Last year I decided myself that I was going to do it, didn't tell anyone. But I did it for me, no one else. And i have managed it.

    You could suggest hon joining in with your activities or makubg healthier foods. It may well trigger something in him that makes him decide he wants to do it. Good luck :)

  • Thank you Osiris , I promised I will do my best,

  • Hi, I'm a newbi but a morbidly obese newbie, I have lived with this most of my life (I am 64) it is some thing only he can decide to do.. believe me if you push to hard he will dig his heals in. We do have our pride even though it is misplaced. We know what we should do but find it hard...mine is psychological and deep rooted... there are many reasons why people are so obese. He needs to find his... I always wanted people to love me for who I am NOT for what they thought I should be. I know it's not easy to sit back when you want to help. Walking sounds a good way of being and doing things together. Wait a while on the gym .....easy steps ( gym scares me to death) always think people laugh behind my back.. I wish you all the best and hope your love pulls you together. Xx

  • Thank you Shoyps,

    All of you gave me great advice and it came from your heart. I hope there were more of you guys out there , who will make the world a better place.. I wanted to talk to my close friends about it, but was so scare that she was going to judgmental, I could not talk to my daughter as well, but having you guys to chat to and asked for advice has made a huge impact..

    Cheers guy take care all of you..

  • I am sure he must make his own decision, as others have said, but encouragement, praise when he makes healthy choices, serving him healthy and delicious meals, inviting him to go for lots of walks every day and a house completely void of unhealthy snacks and drinks - it really makes a difference!

    That is what my husband does for me and I love him for that :-)

  • Thank you

  • Hi Edithharrison,

    It really depends on his relationship with food. If he has gotten fat "accidentally" through ignorance and a little bit of sloth, then just living alongside you will help him lose weight. If food is a comfort in an otherwise miserable world, then having a happier life may help him lose weight. But unless he asks you for help and means it, he is "choosing" (however unconsciously) to be fat and unfit. There may even be medical or psychological reasons why he "needs" to be fat.

    I support 2 lovely men, Mr Flytrap and Flytrap Junior, who both don't want to be fat, who intellectually know how to lose weight and be fit, but whose natural tendency is to overeat. They comfort or reward themselves with inappropriate foods both in choice and portion sizes at every opportunity. They then feel guilty and that makes them go off plan too. I actually got fatter helping them to "diet" at their requests. It also changes the dynamic of your relationship with you becoming the diet and exercise police and them the (naughty) boys.

    We've all worked with guys whose partners have sent them out with a good planned breakfast and a planned packed lunch, who've either eaten the lunch at teabreak or simply binned it before heading out for Greggs or something fried with chips. Then there are the ones who pose in the gym and get themselves a high kcal snack and sport drink or double their dinner size because they have earned it.

    If he wants to lose weight he will unconsciously or deliberately pick up your good habits. If he isn't able or doesn't want to then he might oblige in the honeymoon period but will start "cheating" his way back to his comfortable weight as soon as he feels safe in the relationship. So all you can do is give yourselves time and maybe review where you are and how you feel in a few months' time. Is he so lovely that you can overlook the health problems or are you finding his (lack of) health is over-restricting your eating and exercise preferences? Because if he doesn't learn good habits from you, you might find yourself learning his bad ones.

    Take those walks gently for him. And remember that he can probably lose weight while eating twice what you can kcal wise. Maybe a new toy, like his and her fitbits, would get his competitive feelings going? You can ask him to help you be healthy rather than you asking him to be.

    Sorry to go on, but we girls all love a fixer upper. They just don't stay fixed! Good luck with your decisions. I do so hope you are more successful than I have been (yet!)

    Venus

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