After comments received off a previous post it's made me want to talk about some difficulties I've had recently
I feel it's best to fully get this off my chest by typing so it's okay, dont feel obliged to reply but please read it and if you feel you're struggling with this too then don't go unnoticed and seek help
So before Christmas I was 11 stone 4 and i had unrealistic expectations that I would maintain that weight while at home (almost impossible where my mum's concerned). So throughout the 3 weeks I was home I put on 4 pounds and I'd never felt so ashamed in my life. All id received were compliments from family but all my mum kept saying to me when I got back was how thin I was, I knew I wasn't thin, I was slim, at 5'7", medium frame and of a bigger muscular stature, I knew I was just slim. But I feel as though since coming back to uni, I started viewing myself differently, when I looked in the mirror I saw a fat person and soon every minute of my day was filled with thoughts of food.
I'd go through days of pure binge eating- eating over 6000 calories in one go and then days of starvation, living off a banana and black coffees because i was scared to eat a real meal incase i couldnt stop.
I wanted to lose weight but all this was doing was making me put it on and I couldn't find a way out, I hated to see myself and it made me cry. Although my friends told me I was still slim and in proportion for my height and frame, I couldn't see it and didn't understand how my eyes would be deceiving me.
One day I broke down in front of my best friend and admitted it all, she was so supportive and encouraged me to seek help. Because i wasnt purely binge eating or only starving myself and losing weight I didn't think there was a real problem there but when I went to see a doctor they helped me realise otherwise
Since seeing a counsellor, which I will continue to do, I'm trying to remind myself anytime i think negatively that it's all in my head.
It's so hard to divert my mind from food, it's always there but I think this forum is also helping too, I feel more sensible about food and know when to stop but also to not feel guilty for eating it. I sometimes think about making myself sick after I eat a meal and don't feel I fully deserve it but I have to remind myself that I do because if I don't then I won't be fueling my body or have enough energy for the day.
I'm currently reading a book I was given by my counsellor called body image problems and that's very useful with helping you understand the root of the problem and how to help yourself in between therapy sessions.
Food is something that has been troubling me for the past 3 months but slowly I'm getting control, I know it's not a quick fix but I feel a little more in control each day and hopefully if there's anyone on here feeling the same as me, it'll encourage you to seek help
Thank you (sorry it's so long)